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Original poster

Partners OCD

341 replies

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 20:53

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering.

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

OP posts:
WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 01/05/2023 13:33

Could you explain more about why you struggle with looking after your little one op? It's two separate issues. I'm glad you're getting counselling for yourself and being proactive.

WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 01/05/2023 13:37

@Gilead yes op said she lives in london, good idea. Is it Bethlam that has great OCD therapists too? As they're self funding I wonder if a residential stay may be beneficial on a voluntary basis?

Rummikub · 01/05/2023 15:57

Gilead · 01/05/2023 13:08

Are you anywhere near London or can you get there easily?
New research shows that OCD is a physiological problem rather than a mental health problem alone. A chain of links withi the brain have to work simultaneously and if they don’t, it can result in OCD. A referral to The Maudsley may help.
If however, he is unwilling to help himself, eg therapy and meds, then nobody could blame you for leaving. Does he know how far he’s pushed things?

Have you further info on this? I tried google but no luck

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 16:07

fourlambbhunas · 01/05/2023 12:30

I was the ocd person in this situation. I'm not sure how my husband stayed so patient with me because my obsessions drove me up the wall let alone having to live around someone else's illogical obsessions. I started taking sertraline and it has given me my life back! I don't really have any symptoms of ocd left 🤞🏼

I am so glad to hear that you're husband stayed with you and now you are better, you're proof that medication does work, if only my partner would take it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 16:17

WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 01/05/2023 13:33

Could you explain more about why you struggle with looking after your little one op? It's two separate issues. I'm glad you're getting counselling for yourself and being proactive.

I think it's due to fear, he is no trouble what so ever. He loves being outside, usually cries for a little bit once we at back home, but after 20 minutes of so he is back to his happy self.

Our 6 year old can be a problem when it's just me and him, although he is VERY well behaved in school and around other people, I'll list a few examples below

Sometimes he runs away from me whilst outside, I always think to myself what if he was to do it when I have the baby with me.

He does not understand that every time we to the supermarket or a shopping centre it doesn't mean that he has to get a toy/roblox/fornite voucher. There has been times when I have said "NO" and he gets upset and refuses to move, or he will not get back into the car ☹️

I can only admit, I am a very soft parent, I do not enforce any kind of discipline, outsiders would say that our 6 year old is very spoilt.

We have not long got home, we had a nice day out 🙂 my partner is not home, and he isn't answering his phone, he is fully aware that him not answering his phone brings on my anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 16:21

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 13:16

@ThankYouMama You mention you and your partner live on inheritance but have you ever had jobs? Could either of you work towards even doing volunteer work? I think having outside distractions may help. Do you want a career? Even if you can afford not to work there could be psychological benefits to having more of a life outside of the home. In addition, it might be good for the children to witness you doing something productive, even if volunteer work. Seeing their parents do nothing their whole lives might not be good for them developing a work ethic. For example I gained lots of confidence and skills getting a job at 16. I spent the summer working as an Aupair in Spain. Seeing my Dad have an enjoyable career as a primary teacher helped me decide to take this job as I thought I too might be good at what he was good at. If my parents had never worked it might not have felt this was something I could do. I now work as a secondary school teacher.

I live from off my inheritance, my partner has his own funds, he has never taken a penny from me, even though I have more money than him, he still pays the bills, pays for short breaks away for me and our 6 year old etc.

I am 27 years of age, I have a degree but have never had a job, I would like to work, I wouldn't mind working voluntary in a field where I am helping people. Once my mental health is more stable I will find something.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 16:22

WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 01/05/2023 13:37

@Gilead yes op said she lives in london, good idea. Is it Bethlam that has great OCD therapists too? As they're self funding I wonder if a residential stay may be beneficial on a voluntary basis?

Yes I live in London, and I do think my partner would benefit from a residential stay somewhere.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/05/2023 16:42

OP, I think you need to forget about getting help for your husband for a minute and think very hard about getting help for yourself. If anything were to happen to your husband or , heaven forfend, he should leave you - what would you do? How would you cope? You'd be alone with two small children that you would HAVE to look after.

Get therapy and get help for yourself first. You may feel better, stronger and more able to cope with helping your husband when you are having help for your own issues, and knowing that you could manage both children alone if you had to would mean that you could be sterner and more single minded about helping him (mostly because he couldn't threaten to leave you if you didn't stop asking him to get help for himself, and don't say he would never do a thing like that, because keeping up his rituals and compulsions may well be more important to him than you are).

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:03

@ThaThankYouMama What is your degree in ? I think working towards a career might be a good idea. Is your inheritance so large that you have been planning to live on it your entire life ? Just if it ran out before you die and you have no work history that might be an issue?

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:06

@ThankYouMama Has your plan up to now, for if your partner should leave, die or be in hospital ect, been to send the children to live with other relatives/ kinship care? With regards to you being unable to parents alone.

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 17:07

ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 16:17

I think it's due to fear, he is no trouble what so ever. He loves being outside, usually cries for a little bit once we at back home, but after 20 minutes of so he is back to his happy self.

Our 6 year old can be a problem when it's just me and him, although he is VERY well behaved in school and around other people, I'll list a few examples below

Sometimes he runs away from me whilst outside, I always think to myself what if he was to do it when I have the baby with me.

He does not understand that every time we to the supermarket or a shopping centre it doesn't mean that he has to get a toy/roblox/fornite voucher. There has been times when I have said "NO" and he gets upset and refuses to move, or he will not get back into the car ☹️

I can only admit, I am a very soft parent, I do not enforce any kind of discipline, outsiders would say that our 6 year old is very spoilt.

We have not long got home, we had a nice day out 🙂 my partner is not home, and he isn't answering his phone, he is fully aware that him not answering his phone brings on my anxiety.

Show quote history

Did you speak to your friend?

I think you need to reach out to your gp for some parenting classes or help or pay for them privately as well as getting help for your anxiety

You cannot go through life scared to parent the 2 children you chose to have

Gilead · 01/05/2023 17:13

@Rummikub , it’s all relatively new but you should be able to find something on Google scholar or perhaps bribe a friend with pubmed.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 17:15

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:03

@ThaThankYouMama What is your degree in ? I think working towards a career might be a good idea. Is your inheritance so large that you have been planning to live on it your entire life ? Just if it ran out before you die and you have no work history that might be an issue?

My degree is in psychology, so I am aware of exactly what is wrong with me.

I don't like or feel comfortable discussing this, but I have enough to live on for the rest of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 17:21

@Botw1

Yes I spoke to my friend, I've literally known him since prep-school so he knows me inside out.

He also said that weekly therapy classes for my partner is not enough, and that he needs to be admitted into a specialist centre. I don't think my partner knows how ill he is 🙁

OP posts:
Botw1 · 01/05/2023 17:22

@ThankYouMama

Are you going to take his advice?

Did you tell him you cant cope looking after your own kids?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 17:23

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 17:22

@ThankYouMama

Are you going to take his advice?

Did you tell him you cant cope looking after your own kids?

He already knows I find it hard to deal with both child at once, he is my support system when it comes to the boys. We are so lucky to have him in our lives, he'd do anything for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 17:24

Yes, I will be taking his advice. I don't know how to bring it up to my partner though, I know he is going to react badly at the suggestion of him going to hospital.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:28

@ThankYouMama. I think your partner does need to be admitted to a specialist centre. I also think you should would both be better off getting careers or at least being very active with volunteer work. I think having too much free time is probably making things worse. My partner has to keep busy, this helps manage his OCD. Your children might occupy you both somewhat now but they will grow up. If you both make productive use of your time it also gives them a good example of contributing to society.

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 17:33

Are you going to get help for yourself so you can parent your children?

piedbeauty · 01/05/2023 17:33

Sometimes he runs away from me whilst outside, I always think to myself what if he was to do it when I have the baby with me.

Hold his hand. Tell him clearly and simply what you expect of him. Tell him the dangers - cars, etc.

He does not understand that every time we to the supermarket or a shopping centre it doesn't mean that he has to get a toy/roblox/fornite voucher. There has been times when I have said "NO" and he gets upset and refuses to move, or he will not get back into the car ☹️

You are the parent. You have to teach him that he can't always get his own way and that shopping does not = a toy. God, if you can't do this, how will you stop him sciving off school, taking drugs, stealing things when he's older?? This is the easiest part of parenting. It will get really rough later if you don't get a handle on things now.

I can only admit, I am a very soft parent, I do not enforce any kind of discipline, outsiders would say that our 6 year old is very spoilt.

This is not doing your kid any favours AT ALL. Who will want to be friends with him?

We have not long got home, we had a nice day out 🙂 my partner is not home, and he isn't answering his phone, he is fully aware that him not answering his phone brings on my anxiety.

Why does it? What do you think might have happened?

Op, I suggest you look into parenting classes. And get help for your anxiety.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 17:35

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 17:33

Are you going to get help for yourself so you can parent your children?

I am already in therapy for my anxiety, I need parenting classes, I was discussing it with my friend this afternoon, he said that he'll come with me.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 01/05/2023 17:37

I hope for your kids sake you both get the help you need

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:38

@ThankYouMama It's really great you are going to attend parenting classes. Do you have supportive parents yourself who could give you parenting advice?

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/05/2023 17:39

The thing is that you keep saying you can't handle two children at the same time when you're older child is in school you leave the house, not taking the little one with you. What is all that about?

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:41

@ThankYouMama Do you think either of your parents might struggle with anxiety that you have picked up on like your son is copying his Dad ?