Partners OCD

[ThankYouMama]

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering. 

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

How do you think you will “reverse” anything if the cause is still there?

You can’t reverse harm caused to your 6 year old unless you remove the cause of the harm, in this case his fathers ocd

This with bells on. My god these poor kids.

With all due respect, both he and you need to get help with your respective problems. You are leaving him with the baby all day - you said you can't cope with both children in your own, but it seems like you can't cope with one? So he's putting up with this - imagine a post where the man, despite not working, absents himself from the home all day leaving his wife with the baby. What would we all say?

And obviously he needs help with his OCD. At some point, the childrens' schools are going to pick up on all this and a safeguarding referral could be made. You both would need to show that you've done your utmost not to allow your respective issues to damage your children.

Just reading through the thread OP and I'm sorry you are having a tough time with things at the mo. This, however, stood out to me. You can't reverse the damage being done to your children. They WILL grow up damaged. Its what they witness day in day out and there's nothing a GP can do to reverse that. So, what are your choices? Its difficult as both parents have issues (sorry for speaking bluntly just thinking out loud) no matter where they are they will be witnessing unusual behaviours. Him with his rituals and you with your anxiety and needing support if you have both children. I would be honest with your sons school for a start, they may be able to direct you towards any help, have you ever considered involving Social Services? It's difficult to give advice as you don't want to leave and what difference to the children would it make anyway? Is there a family member that could take them in? That's extreme I know. You have to think though, you make your choices, your kids are powerless and this is so unfair on them. Good luck with everything and do keep posting for support, you will always get replies that you cant take anything from but then someone will come along and say something that sticks.

This. Those poor children. What a terrible, toxic, strained environment.

OP this is a really serious situation you’re in and you are not facing up to that. You say you don’t want to leave him, but you’re both bringing up your children in a grossly abnormal way. Your child has already learned the same obsessions that your partner has. Instead of not wanting that to happen, you just say you’ll get the child assessed- as though it’s fine to live with OCD, which is one of the most intractable mental illnesses and one which impacts lives very severely. Your partner refuses to get treatment so if anything he’ll get even worse. He’s already blaming you for triggering him. The kids will be next. He’ll force them to live in his OCD world to avoid making him angry.

You say you can’t cope with the children without him, but you haven’t tried. Your anxiety is clearly made much worse by living with him, so you might well cope much better without him. You say you are financially comfortable so you could pay for childcare. That would be much better than him looking after them and teaching them how to be like him.

It’s obviously your choice but you really are not facing up to the impact of this on your children, and how it will have a terrible effect on their future lives.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

I'm not giving my children to a family member and I'm certainly not getting social services involved in my childrens lives, I wish I never posted on here, I should have kept it to myself.

I will fix this situation, I am going to open up in depth to my close friend who I am due to meet shortly, he has always been my support system.

I am going to consider enrolling the baby into full time nursery.

Is your friend likely to be honest or do you think they will just tell you what you want to hear?

Wishing you hadn't posted here because you don't like the responses doesn't change the situation that you are allowing your and your ohs mh to damage and abuse your children

You absolutely need to accept that and take steps to fix it.

Palming your baby off to full time childcare won't fix it.

They still need to live with a severely mentally unwell dad and a mum who can't care for them

What will fix it is you accepting that you and your oh need to take responsibility for your mh and doing everything you can to get treatment and minimise the impact it has on your children

@ThankYouMama Take your son to the GP and be honest about yours and your partners difficulties. He is more likely to receive appropriate help if they know what he is dealing with. Does his school know about his father's OCD?

By keeping your kids in this environment and him refusing to get help, you both are potentially fucking up your kids future mental health. I feel very sorry for them OP.

You need to sort out your anxiety and get them out of that. I'd hazard a guess it would improve if you're away from it anyway. Not wanting to go home during the day means your relationship is over anyway.

Poor kids.

Oh, he is honest. A little too honest.

I'm heading out now, thanks for taking the time out to reply and offer advice 🙂

You can’t “fix” people

I think you’re (rightly) blaming his ocd as an issue, but having a mother who ‘can’t handle’ looking after you is equally such an issue, which will also be having a massively negative impact on your DC. You both need help. Not sure your friend can provide that, unless he directs you both to seek immediate advice from your GP.

ThankYouMama
Serious mental health issues and being a self absorbed asshat are NOT mutually exclusive.

Whilst nobody chooses to have debilitating MH they still have a responsibility to do everything in their control to enhance their chances of recovery.

He has children and a wife. He has it all round the wrong way. You should not all be adapting to live in his warped world. HE needs to do the work to enable him to live in your normal world.

Stop 'asking' him to do stuff (join his therapy session for example) and start TELLING him what YOU are going to do.

Anxious parents breed anxious kids. You anxiety will diminish significantly with either his OCD under control or him away from you.

Tell him that you are coming to therapy
Tell him you are BOTH going to the GP for further help. If he doesn't agree then leave.

Don't be so ridiculous about 2 kids. What would you do if he got run over by a bus ? Put one in care ?

It will be hard no doubt but not having to be out of the house all day will make it significantly easier.

I was the ocd person in this situation. I'm not sure how my husband stayed so patient with me because my obsessions drove me up the wall let alone having to live around someone else's illogical obsessions. I started taking sertraline and it has given me my life back! I don't really have any symptoms of ocd left 🤞🏼

We are all concerned about your poor dc and what you and your h are putting them through. They have no say in this. You, as adults, do.

@ThankYouMama You say you go out at 8 and try to go to bed early, spending as little time around him or the baby as you can on week days. This would suggest even looking after one child is too much for you. Full time child care sounds like a good idea. Also please consider the children doing lots of sleepovers or weeks away with family and friends, as the more time they spend away, the better in terms of exposure to the severe OCD. My partner's parents had kind childless relatives they could have stayed with but extended family contact was listed to a few hours a year.

The answer isn't nursery OP. The answer is you looking after your own baby.

Agreed. I would be calling social services if I were anywhere near this family.

Huge issue. Bigger than the OCD imo.

I have OCD. I had it for a long time before I received any help. I was told 10 sessions is no where near enough to unpick something that has been left uncontrolled for so long. If possible I'd actually say a session twice a week initially would be really helpful.

Someone needs to get through to him about the impact on his children. Its terrible he can't see the effect he's having. My children are my greatest motivator for managing my ocd because I absolutely do not want them to grow up like me. It's distressing watching them do things that are going against my ocd but I'd rather be in emotional distress than the alternative.

You can't go on like this.

Are you anywhere near London or can you get there easily?
New research shows that OCD is a physiological problem rather than a mental health problem alone. A chain of links withi the brain have to work simultaneously and if they don’t, it can result in OCD. A referral to The Maudsley may help.
If however, he is unwilling to help himself, eg therapy and meds, then nobody could blame you for leaving. Does he know how far he’s pushed things?

@ThankYouMama You mention you and your partner live on inheritance but have you ever had jobs? Could either of you work towards even doing volunteer work? I think having outside distractions may help. Do you want a career? Even if you can afford not to work there could be psychological benefits to having more of a life outside of the home. In addition, it might be good for the children to witness you doing something productive, even if volunteer work. Seeing their parents do nothing their whole lives might not be good for them developing a work ethic. For example I gained lots of confidence and skills getting a job at 16. I spent the summer working as an Aupair in Spain. Seeing my Dad have an enjoyable career as a primary teacher helped me decide to take this job as I thought I too might be good at what he was good at. If my parents had never worked it might not have felt this was something I could do. I now work as a secondary school teacher.