Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

Of course you would. They'd still have to pay their debt off just like everyone else.

Mental illness isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card to behave however you like without taking any responsibility for your actions.

What exactly was out of OP's control? picking drugs and alcohol over her own kids? Making more babies to traumatize with her toxicity?

Is compulsive baby making and abandoning in the BPD manual?

You do have some responsibility. My ex had a very abusive upbringing, but he refused to go to therapy. That was his choice.

I have bipolar. It's been high functioning for years to the extent where most people have no idea I have it. It got that way because I went to a lot of therapy. I also take medication during periods of symptoms restarting. I see a psychiatrist once every three months.

No-one chooses to have a mental illness. Upbringing and biology are definitely factors. That doesn't mean you can let the illness affect people without responsibility. Being accountable is a big part of getting well.

Really well done @Bpdqueen , that's a brilliantly healthy step.

I understand your worries about the involvement of others but in order to keep then on your side you need to cooperare with them. This will also be hugely beneficial to you - it will give you the support you need to create a really healthy relationship, it will also help your bf adjust to the news and feel safer with you and you have the chance to really prove you can do this by working with your clinical team all the way.

Ss don't like to remove children if they don't have to so don't panic about what ifs.

As a pp said, one step at a time- you've taken a hugely positive step today, I know its scary for you but the best steps usually are.

She’s trying to take some accountability by calling her CPN. That’s a big step from where she was mentally yesterday evening. Let’s hope she gets the support she needs.

She is absolutely doing the right thing by seeking help and she should be commended for that greatly. But she should also not have judgy rubberneckers coming in and telling her she’s awful for behaviour that is completely out of her control. Empathy is sorely needed here.

The behaviour is not completely out of her control though.

I don't see judgement - I see concern.

Having a mental illness doesn't mean you have no control over your actions. It may make you more impulsive, or aggressive, or argumentative, but lots of people have mental health conditions (including BPD) and they don't smash up cars or have their children taken away because they're on drugs.

The mental illness is a factor in people's decisions and may go some way to explain their behaviour, but it doesn't mean they can do whatever they want and then say "oh, it's because I have BPD".

This is premeditated behaviour to trap someone who doesn't even know you want his baby. It's disgusting, BPD or not, trying to create a new life to trap someone you've been with for any amount of time is predatory and irresponsible. I hope your CPN takes some action to prevent this.

Did you tell you dp that you were off the pill? At that point you had only been together a month. It stops working immediately, women get pg when they miss one or have a stomach upset. Honestly you seem rather irrational and impulsive, it won't take much for a cpn or sw to realise this. It was not just for drugs your dc were removed, but the impact that and your unstable behaviour had on their wellbeing.

Im pregnant im so happy its really early the line was only faint but it was there cpn said aslong as i engage with services and get back on meds everything should be OK. Dp is coming around after work so can't wait to tell him he's gonna be a dad.

Oh wow, congratulations! Please do engage with services and take all the medication prescribed to you, and good luck on your new journey.

Thankyou so much im gonna do everything they say to make this work.

But OP, you've only known each other for three months and you have serious mental health issues. What are you thinking, getting pregnant so quickly?

Weren't either of you using contraception?

Apparently not are you going to come clean with him? It will be a long road ahead, with or without him.

No i wasn't on contraception as the baby was very much planned and wanted

By you , not necessarily him. If he thought you were on the pill he took a risk but not as knowingly as you.

I'm gonna tell him he's gonna be a dad. Detail isn't needed the pill fails all the time How it happened is irrelevant, what matters is were gonna be a family

It’s best off that you don’t tell him that you came off contraception as there is a chance he might not understand and leave. What’s done is done now so forgetting about the past is vital.

And if he is not so pleased? You are just adding one deceit to another...

100% agree ❤

Yes because plastic surgery and debt is definitely equivalent to abusing and neglecting two children to such an extreme that a judge decides you can’t even have letter box contact.

Having a PD does not absolve you of criminal or moral responsibility

oh look, you are advising more deception and manipulation...

then in the same breath you complain about BPD stigma and stereotypes. You're the stereotype and it's hypocritical as fuck

I didn't abuse my children

What would be the point of her telling him now? The pill is not a 100% guaranteed form of protection for a man, only abstinence is. Telling him will only ruin her chance of getting her life back on track.