Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

YABU, because it doesn't give him the chance to get to know the real you.

I have autism, and it's such a fundamental part of who I am that if any partner left me because of it, its a sure sign that they're not for me.

Others will probably disagree with me but I think its perfectly fine to tell him when you're ready. 3 months isn't very long. I wouldn't actively keep it from him, I'd probably start to let him know I've had some mh issues, prepare the ground, but I don't thibk you need to come out and say it right now

The problem is there is so much stigma around bpd I think he'd be gone before he had chance to know the real me.

Also, I know fear of abandonment is a key characteristic of bpd sp think you should seek some support from professionals or others with the condition to help you manage this.

YABU.

I understand the stigma and that it's hard but if he finds out you've been lying to him he will likely end it anyway.

I actually think that is really good advice. Thankyou

Autism isn’t quite the same as BPD though, in my opinion.

But you still have to give him a chance to decide if this is what he wants. It's unfair to take that away from him. If he won't stick around they get wasn't right for you anyway.

Honesty is still the same thing though.

As a fellow BPD suffered, I think if you want to form a serious relationship with him, and give the relationship a change to thrive, you need to tell him. You may behave in a way that is deemed unacceptable, and knowing about your BPD will help him to understand and cope. If he doesn’t know, how can he accept this behaviour?

I understand your wanting to wait - but I think that @ShakespearesBlister has it right here.

By waiting, you risk hurting yourself further as well - because if you get deeper in and your feelings grow - you'll be even more hurt if he does leave.

By telling him now, you're being honest, upfront, fair - and also saving yourself from further pain if he does leave. It's the right thing to do for both your sakes.

I agree with @007DoubleOSeven

I agree. Like others have said, I’d probably allude to it without saying it. On one hand, you want him to get to know the real toy. But on the other hand, if he’s the kind of person who would leave you for something you have no control over, is he really the guy for you? How would he deal with it if you had a relapse in the future?

You are not obligated to tell someone you are dating anything, but at the same time it is quite a big thing to keep from someone. I think mentioning that you have had treatment for your mental health at a relevant point in the conversation might be a good idea. You can then tell him you’ll discuss it further as you get to know each other better.

It’s absolutely nothing that you should be ashamed over though.

YABU, I wouldn't be happy at all if someone kept this from me early on.

And I'll probably get flamed for this, but I would have a long hard think before I decided whether to embark upon a relationship with someone who has mental health issues.

It's different to being in love with someone who develops MH issues later on in the relationship.

It might be better to get telling him over and done with sooner rather than later. His reaction will not change but he maybe hurt that you chose not to confide on him. It would also, were he to be negative, improve you a chance of finding someone supportive in the near future.

Having BPD IS part of the 'Real' you though.

I understand the fist few dates, but I think you owe him the truth now. He's an adult, he needs to be given the information to make his own decisions.

you lying could lead to him ditching you more than your diagnosis would.

Yes. But one does not need to share their private medical history with anyone they choose not to. It’s seen as (more) socially acceptable to have autism than it is to have BPD. Plus, BPD is an illness, autism isn’t.

The longer you leave it them more likely he is to break up with you when you do decide to disclose it I think, as he might feel you havent been up front with him?

Obviously a really personal choice to make and each situation will be different but I think if things are going well 3 months in it might be time to have the conversation?

I do understand everyone saying to tell him and its only gonna be worse in the long run if I don't and your absolutely right but iv lost so many people due to this stupid condition I can't deal with losing anyone else.

What happens if you have a relapse or your behaviour changes? Do you think he will be accepting of the fact¹q that you just didn't mention it? You need to let him make his own decision about continuing the relationship. Unfair as it seems BPD is a significant mental health condition and he has the right to decide, if he doesn't want to continue he's not right for you anyway.

Unfortunately you may have to accept that you might lose other people during your lifetime because of BPD.

All of us lose people anyway for one reason or another - sometimes just because of personality clashes etc.

Have you lost them because of how it's made you behave or because they know you have it?

There's a difference.

Also, for all you know he may have MH issues too.

That might bond you together or be a dealbreaker for both of you.

But ultimately you risk losing him whenever he finds out. Is that risk outweighing the benefit of his potential support?

Thankyou for being so honest I think a lot of people feel like this but don't have the balls to say it. Which is why I'm so worried about telling him.