Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

I’ve also watched my BPD brother improve, after supported living and intense DBT/MBT, going to AA every week as a newbie and still going weekly and being someone’s sponsor, following the steps every day for the last decade, not having any more romantic relationships, and more. He is unrecognisable to the man he was back then. I would never have believed it possible.

But this is not that.

I'm not in an episode iv never been happier people just don't like to admit people can change

No. Your last severe episode was only four months ago. For three of the months since then, you've been in an intense new relationship that you're hiding the extent of from your support team because you know they will have deep reservations.

You're idealising your partner and his future behaviour even though you're hiding a great deal of serious information about your mental health, current contraceptive status and history of having children removed from you because you're trying to trick him into having a child with you without discussion because you believe it will mean he then 'can't' abandon you.

You are so attached to this new relationship that you feel you would commit suicide if it ended, and in the very likely event that it does when your boyfriend finds out all the stuff you've been hiding, you will then likely have another severe self-harm crisis.

If it's truly all good and your mental health team who are professionals who will presumably understand your condition well and be capable of assessing whether you can change then if you tell them everything you've said here, they'll back you up and support you. But if it's not all good, telling them may well save your life, avoid a serious trauma for your boyfriend and prevent yet another child ending up in the care system.

Do the right thing, not the thing you want to do.

@007DoubleOSeven I genuinely don’t see any shame in the OP. I have hands on life long experience with BPD and right now the OP isn’t capable of feeling shame because she is too deep in denial.

Your all annoying me and its late me and dp are going to bed.

What else are you willing to excuse under the umbrella of trauma and ptsd? You're already excusing child abuse. Rape? Murder? lots of serial murderers fall in that category. Are they not objectively bad people?

People have been nothing but empathetic to OP for the first half of the conversation and she's taken absolutely nothing on board.

STOP COMPARING BPD TO CPTSD! THEY ARE NOT THE SAME CONDITIONS!

The only thing they have in common is a basis in trauma.

Same here!

Ffs calm down. I have not excused child abuse.

Thanks for this. Me and my brother are very different people who reacted differently to the environment we grew up in, with him having BPD and me having CPTSD. We are not alike. I’m sick of this being thrown around.

Sorry, last bit should say

If it's truly all good, your mental health team who are professionals - who will understand your condition well and be capable of assessing whether it's good for you - will back you up and support you if you share everything you've said here. But if it's not all good, telling them may well save your life, avoid a serious trauma for your boyfriend and prevent yet another child ending up in the care system.

I know, right? It's offensive to lump them together

You are defending a woman who has had not one, but two kids taken away. You are basically excusing her.

Which is what I meant.

My post was not meant to sound like I thought bpd is like cptsd. It was saying its trauma based, like cptsd is. Having great issues with formatting and jumping cursor in mn which explains poor punctuation.

Offensive to people with either condition.

That fact that BPD is trauma based doesn't cancel out the concept of personal accountability.

It's ok, it's because this "theory" has been bandied around a lot on this thread I saw red with your post.

Agreed. The first step to living well with MH issues is accepting responsibility for your own wellbeing

I am defending an individual who is deeply unwell and needs help. I have not defended her harmful behaviours or choices. I have told her what she's doing is wrong.

I understand that mh issues, drug abuse and alcohol abuse and trauma are each deeply complex issues. I know the harm they cause to the individual and those around them.

I can also see how intense your emotional reaction is to this thread and I have said that, especially from your posts, it's understandable.

I am also pointing out that if the goal of responding is to convince the op to behave differently then simply judging her without attempting to communicate effectively is not going to work and may cause her to feel more deeply entrenched in her choices.

And before you accuse me of anything else, my emotional reaction to this is the same as yours.

No OP you are going to bed because you aren’t hearing what you want to hear. Just to say it again loud and clear 90% of over 200 people who don’t know you said that YABU. This was when you had a poll.

Absolutely. Don't disagree with this at all

No im going to bed because I want to spend time with dp because he understands me

He doesn't "undertand" you, because he doesn't know you. He only knows the fake you.

How can he understand you when he does not know you?

He doesn’t understand you. He doesn’t know you. He doesn’t know any of your plans. He doesn’t know about your mental health. He only knows what you’ve chosen to share with him.

And what you’ve chosen to share sounds like very little. For your own well-being you should see your mental health team. Please. If you honestly want to make a fresh start you need the support to do so. This is not the way.