Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

Both

Three months is enough time to tell him, it is not fair to continue to hide something so big.

He either won’t be bothered in which case you have no need to hide it, or he will be bothered meaning he’s not the right one for you anyway.

Please don't be worried OP, as others have said if he can't handle it then he's not the person for you because BPD is part of you.

Also, many people with BPD go on to have long and happy relationships.

Depending on your age MH issues are so talked about I'd be surprised if he raises an eyebrow.

Or something in the middle where he wants a full and honest conversation with OP, regarding how the BPD affects her thoughts/behavior etc.

It might not be a case of 'stay or go' immediately.

Well, on the one hand you need to address any behaviours that still effect you and if you want a lasting relationship with him then he needs to understand where they're coming from.

There are ways and ways of telling him though and like I said you shouldn't actively hide it. I don't think you necessarily need to come out and declare you have bpd but I would start preparing to tell him and letting him know you have some mh issues and that can lead to xyz.

Tell him now. I do understand the hesitation as it’s one of the conditions I have.

How would you feel if after getting to know him you found out he was a sociopath or another personality disorder? Chances are you would be wondering what other important things he has kept from you.

If he cannot get over this then he’s not the right person for you.

Clearly at the moment you don't feel that your bpd has been 'apparent' so haven't felt any 'need' to disclose it. There's a danger that by leaving telling him puts you at risk of telling only if something happens to make it feel necessary. Your bf is then left associating your diagnosis with some form of difficulty. If he'd known about it for the last 3 months he'd have experienced your diagnosis as insignificant. He would also then be already aware so if your bpd impacted in some way it's not a surprise. Not telling him feels like you are making it an issue rather than a fact of your life.

Do you agree with your diagnosis? I believe that this is hugely and wrongly disagnosed in women who have experienced trauma. If I agreed with the diagnosis and was seeking support to help me I would tell him. If I felt that my diagnosis was a mistake I wouldn't share it with him.

When im well i don't agree with my diagnosis but everytime I have an episode and end up in hospital or getting arrested I kind of see their point.

I don’t have bpd but have something very similar in that regard and I say no don’t tell him, don’t ever tell him. You will never be given an honest chance because of the stigma surrounding personality disorders and other mental health conditions.

No good relationship was ever built on secrecy and lies. If now isn't the right time to tell him when would be?

Exactly this I just want a fair chance

Are you engaging in any therapies to help manage the condition?

Yeah I have a cpn, psychologist and psychiatrist. I also have an amazing gp.

Tell him.

You're denying him the opportunity to make an informed decision otherwise.

What happens if you're unwell and it comes out then?

Can you tell us what sort of behaviours have driven friends away? What can you do to cope in the future in similar situations?

Well yes but the thing is he won’t be making an informed decision will he? He will be basing their potential future on a societal preconceived notion of what bpd is, instead of who she really is which is actually what matters.

It isn’t as black and white as you want to make it out to be, this is really hard for people like us.

My husband has BPD, he told me about it before we even met face to face to give me a chance to see if it was something that I was willing to accept and give him a chance with.

I know that if he had kept it from me and ended up having an episode before telling me I doubt I would not have been able to let that go, and it would have destroyed him in that I was abandoning him at a time when he was vulnerable.

I also wouldn't have been able to look up strategies for when he feels negative about me and would likely have left when dating because what's the point in being with someone who seems to hate you? (luckily with him it happens rarely and I know that he will get over it in a few days so I just go about my business around him)

If you have a history of ending up in hospital or being arrested then that sounds pretty serious so I would definitely tell him now before something like that happens - for both you and him.

It sounds like you need to accept your diagnosis and seek counselling/ medication if you have not done so already - my husband is on medication and whilst he still deals with low moods etc regularly he hasn't had any serious episodes in many years.

We have been together for 6 years but only because he was honest when we were first chatting. Like a PP said, if you didn't know you were dating a sociopath then you wouldn't be happy about that when you found out - the main difference is that if a sociopath is rejected they likely wouldn't care whereas you very much would.

I have BPD. I have been with my DH for 6 years. I didn't actually say the word bpd. I did however run through all the symptoms, how they affect me, how they could affect him etc. I am a quiet bpd. I'm more likely to hurt myself rather than another person. We have very good communication about this and he said he has learned so much about mental illness. I asked him if he ever wished he had not bothered because of my bpd and he said absolutely not. He said he loves me no matter what.

It's really hard because I struggle to see what I'm doing as wrong and I feel people are very quick to blame my bpd whenever I don't agree with them or their being unreasonable. Based on what people have told me I'm abusive (which I'm not). I'm overly emotional. Obsessive, unreasonable, aggressive, dramatic, and manipulative. People say its like a switch In my brain and my doctors have described me as being like jekyll and Hyde.

Thankyou

Tell him when you're ready. I dated someone who thought he had it (turns out it was a misdiagnosis) but it didn't stop how I felt about him. We were both in agreement that it would not be an excuse for me to put up with behaviour or treatment that I was unhappy with, though, and I would have left had he been aggressive or obsessive.

Autism isn’t quite the same as BPD though, in my opinion.

Interestingly, women are more likely to be diagnosed with BPD when they are actually autistic.

When im well i don't agree with my diagnosis but everytime I have an episode and end up in hospital or getting arrested I kind of see their point.

See I think you should've included this in your OP.

If you're getting arrested/ending up in hospital you really must tell him.