Close to killing myself

[SpiritWaning]

Firstly. I don’t know what I am expecting to achieve but writing this post. Perhaps it is because I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone else.

I am a man in my mid 30s. By most conventional metrics I would be deemed relatively successful. I recently bought my first house at more than £1m. I earn over £100k a year. Both of which could be seen as the completion of a rags to riches story, having spent most of my life up to the age of 24 in poverty. I also have a 4 year old kid. But there is a big problem, I am woefully unhappy.

This isn’t the first time I have had suicidal thoughts. In fact I’ve had them quite often but I’ve managed to brush them aside be in distraction with my super busy but dissatisfying job, my kid (who might be on the spectrum - TBD) etc… I’ve always seen suicide as an act of cowardice, especially if you have children and you might be about to tell was generally raised to repress feelings and carry on with a stiff upper lip but this time, I genuinely think I might do it.

ive never been good at discussing feelings, speaking to therapists etc… I’ve always just been moving a square at a time towards financial goals but these haven’t made me any happier.
Consequently I have a lot of trauma (mental and physical abuse as a child) which I have never discussed which might be a factor in how I’m feeling.

Ultimately I think the root cause is feeling unappreciated.

1. My job is generally unsatisfying and whilst I am senior enough that a pat on the back shouldn’t be necessary to keep me motivated, I find that because my life has been so work centric, I do actually need this from time to time.
2. My marriage is on the rocks. I feel undervalued and picked on for every little thing. I think the reason she does this is because she finds me uninspiring as a man because of weight that I have gained over the last few years and this seeps in to her attitude towards me in all regards. Simple answer would be to lose weight, but I generally struggle with life style given I work over 70hours a week on average in stressful conditions and with everything sleep 4-5 hours a day. Excuses perhaps/most probably.
3. my life is insured for more than £1m so in my head I’m worth more dead. Would be enough to pay the mortgage off and have a few hundred thousand left over. My wife could then remarry and get someone she actually loves and respects.

Again not sure what I am trying to achieve by posting this. Perhaps this is my condensed 13 reasons why or just cathartic in the hope that k don’t actually do this.

Hi Op
You Need and your wife how to deal with stress and demands of family life bringing up Autistic child,
I know there is a mumsnet parents board to help to deal/address issues with bringing up Autistic child ,seek support advice on their ,
And ask for help with social services child support service,

Also look on to Internet and youtube Talks/self help 📚 books, about effective ways /strategies to understanding/dealing with Autistim in children.

Hi Op
Also you need help support to re think your mindset ,
I really think looking on Internet for e.g Ted Talks/youtube Podcasts, even 📻 radio conversations,
On people who have lived your similar experiences high achieving very stressful careers and decided made a decision quality of life is better than being in a highly stressful toxic to your emotional wellbeing,

And have achieved a better work/family life /life in general balance,
Is what you Need to seek ,as it will make you realise this is Achievable attainable too for yourself and your family.

Also look at TV 📺 programmes ect of people who have achieved better quality of lifestyles/work life balance too.

Also look out read magazines articles of this kind of nature,

Hi Op
Oops sorry I ment to say people who have chosen the alternative of a better quality of life/work /family balance instead,
rathan stay in a detrimental toxic to your emotional well being career,

People who decided they prefer a different career /a job/lifestyle that is better for their wellbeing emotionally short term as well as long term too,

Have a serious think , have you got any interests in past or Curious about somethings that you could turn into paid job, that is better fit emotional for yourself/family life then?

What about taking a sabbatical and turning your hand to do some /bit of volunteering work you would enjoy or Curious about then?

You could do a stints of volunteering work for how many hours or days you want to , if you are Curious or interested?
All kinds of interesting wide ranging stuff too.

You would be Suprised the range of volunteering opportunities out there too,
and it would give you insights if that is kind of work you want to do?,
if that kind of work is something you would be interested in further for e.g re training going back to college doing Access courses to get qualified in that particular field,
Access courses give people a second chance by doing Assignments achieve credits to go onto uni,

Hi Op
Mediation /Mindfulness and Arts and crafts anything creative is very beneficial for your mind emotionally,
I know cause I have tried all these kinds of things too

Does your insurance policy cover suicide? If so there is generally a 1-2 year wait to claim after suicide, specifically to deter people from doing what you are contemplating. How would your family cope financially in the meantime?

You say you've never been any good at talking to therapists but you have written very eloquently here - have you considered writing down what you want to say and taking it from there? You might find if you deal with your issues that you feel more able to take care of yourself and get your weight under control. It may be though that your wife's attitude is down to you working ridiculous hours.

Cut back on your work, work on your marriage if that's what you want, spend time with your child. You will not find happiness in riches, start looking in the right places.

Hi Op
I was just thinking what could help you visualise a better improvement in your life,
Is actually seeing Achievable goals step by step,
Start small if you like, Many small steps will sooner or later obviously create something a lot bigger,

I was thinking about. Awareness display board 💡 idea,
Such as getting a corkboard display, and putting all kinds of stuff on the board you like to achieve for e.g if you wanted for e.g to go on Safari in Africa,
You would obviously put up an image of Safari wildlife from magazines cuttings ect on your display board.

If you wanted to do other achievable goals in life ,you would obviously put up mags cuttings/images from Internet ect on display too,
As I know as well,as you know its all to easy to get bogged down in emotional swamp/and be on a merry go around Carosal ride way,of thinking that's seems all consuming, which clouds your way of thinking with Clarity,
see what's what's really matters in life,

It's time to reflect ,come off the Hamster wheel /rat race of Career,
To seek the other possibilities out there in life,

You are very young, and proved you are very dedicated ect to your career, you do have good transferable life /works skills, that can carry you over to a better way of lifestyle/Career/jobs balance.

I think you are at Crossroads in your life, transition phrase which is this identity Crisis you are experiencing Currently.

p.s Spend some or more time being amongst nature too, you will feel so much better in unexpected ways,
Listen to good music you enjoy,
Even just go to a cafes or restaurant and watch the world 🌎 go by for a bit on a regular basis,
Even if you just have non alcoholic drink of tea 🍵 whilst there..

Work is not everything in life,

Best of Luck Op x

@SpiritWaning how are things today?

Update on my part:
I haven’t killed myself… well clearly I guess. I still have suicidal ideations on occasion but introduced distraction in to the mix, pursuing the gym. Its yielded some benefit having lost over 50pounds so far. Still a fair bit to go (I was really fat) but at least now I’m a more reasonable size (t-shirt size L), fairly muscular/strong and way fitter.

As far as my marriage is concerned. It’s not toxic nor abusive on either side but I do feel myself mentally distancing from her still. It’s still exhausting to feel I don’t measure up, even now when tackling her biggest gripe, my weight.
I was honest about my suicidal thoughts, maybe slightly nonchalantly/matter of fact I said there is a possibility I will kill myself, it’s just a feeling I try to manage day to day. I wasn’t really met with a concerned or affectionate response but rather guilt and the continued denial of what I say is lacking (feeling appreciated, affection, sexual desire/adventurism).

I won’t divorce her, she’s a great mother and I do hold out hope that one day we will find our way to a happy destination but I must say that the weight loss and looking younger is garnering me attention and it does feel nice/validating at least on the desire end.

Im not going out of my way nor have I had an affair but I can’t say it’s a zero possibility.

In the mean time I take it day by day just trying to find what happy looks like. Hopefully I get there one day.

Glad to read that you’re going to the gym, I really hope everything gets better for you. Thank you for the update. X

I’m so pleased to read your update.

One step at a time OP, you’ll get there. The gym is really positive, as is the fact you have hope for your marriage. That’s all you need, a bit of hope.