Close to killing myself

[SpiritWaning]

Firstly. I don’t know what I am expecting to achieve but writing this post. Perhaps it is because I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone else.

I am a man in my mid 30s. By most conventional metrics I would be deemed relatively successful. I recently bought my first house at more than £1m. I earn over £100k a year. Both of which could be seen as the completion of a rags to riches story, having spent most of my life up to the age of 24 in poverty. I also have a 4 year old kid. But there is a big problem, I am woefully unhappy.

This isn’t the first time I have had suicidal thoughts. In fact I’ve had them quite often but I’ve managed to brush them aside be in distraction with my super busy but dissatisfying job, my kid (who might be on the spectrum - TBD) etc… I’ve always seen suicide as an act of cowardice, especially if you have children and you might be about to tell was generally raised to repress feelings and carry on with a stiff upper lip but this time, I genuinely think I might do it.

ive never been good at discussing feelings, speaking to therapists etc… I’ve always just been moving a square at a time towards financial goals but these haven’t made me any happier.
Consequently I have a lot of trauma (mental and physical abuse as a child) which I have never discussed which might be a factor in how I’m feeling.

Ultimately I think the root cause is feeling unappreciated.

1. My job is generally unsatisfying and whilst I am senior enough that a pat on the back shouldn’t be necessary to keep me motivated, I find that because my life has been so work centric, I do actually need this from time to time.
2. My marriage is on the rocks. I feel undervalued and picked on for every little thing. I think the reason she does this is because she finds me uninspiring as a man because of weight that I have gained over the last few years and this seeps in to her attitude towards me in all regards. Simple answer would be to lose weight, but I generally struggle with life style given I work over 70hours a week on average in stressful conditions and with everything sleep 4-5 hours a day. Excuses perhaps/most probably.
3. my life is insured for more than £1m so in my head I’m worth more dead. Would be enough to pay the mortgage off and have a few hundred thousand left over. My wife could then remarry and get someone she actually loves and respects.

Again not sure what I am trying to achieve by posting this. Perhaps this is my condensed 13 reasons why or just cathartic in the hope that k don’t actually do this.

@Tiredeimz Suicide doesn’t stop the pain it only moves it

This was the only reason I didn’t commit suicide when I was at my lowest. I couldn’t bear the thought of my Mum blaming herself or ruining my sisters upcoming wedding.
It’s a sobering moment when you realise you are only staying alive for other people.
I’m still working on finding my own reasons for living but I’m getting there.

Talking to my GP was my turning point.

You have a lot of unresolved trauma @SpiritWaning that you need to seek help for. You need to try before deciding suicide is the option.

You owe it to your daughter to try. Otherwise like others have said you are transferring the pain and committing her to a lifetime of misery.

You are enough. You are not alone.

Consequently I have a lot of trauma (mental and physical abuse as a child) which I have never discussed which might be a factor in how I’m feeling.

Not might. 100% is. Your subconscious mind is stuck in that fear and trauma and unable to move on. But you can resolve it. Have a look at these videos to help you understand what trauma does to children;

You aren't alone. You can get past this this.

No no no.
You are very much loved, needed, respected.
Someone mentioned trauma earlier. Completely agree (even if (especially if) you are one of those "my childhood and parents were great" types). Suicide ideation, workaholism, feelings of worthlessness or...no feelings at all.
Another shout out for Bessel Van Der kolks book "the body keeps the score" BUT for something a bit more entry-level Tim fletchers CPTSD videos on YouTube are awesome. Please give this stuff a chance..it'll be worth.. it I promise. Your tribe is out there.. promise.

Just to reiterate Tim fletcher. Youtube. CPTSD. This is trauma. What you describe are the symptoms of your trauma.

OP, could you be feeling broken because you've realised money will buy you superficial contact and acceptance (which is important though), but it won't buy you the meaningful affection, contact and appreciation you wanted?

I know this sounds very cliche but I'm someone whose parent had very much the same mindset as you:

• Overcome their horribly abusive childhood by keeping head buried in job (too scared to reflect on the darkness, view it as unproductive rumination)
• Get superficial admiration and appreciation from their career/employers (almost as a proxy for parental love IMO) and society
• Always moving forward as well as accumulating wealth/financial stability
• Fixated on appearance, believed it determined someone's love/attraction towards them. Unconditionally loved us, very affectionate, but still fixated with appearance
• Fixated with status as well (eg we had to go to posh schools)

Can hardly blame them as there weren't really therapists then.

The above list sounds like you if I'm being honest. You are still believing that that £1m life insurance will ultimately make your wife and kid happy with a dead husband/father, and that your wife wouldn't mind you dying so she could marry someone more physically attractive.

I've never had much motivation in life/career, have badly failed in life especially for the very expensive head start I was given, and have wanted to die since I was a child. The reason is because I've never viewed "getting out of poverty" (or even get rich) or "build a stable family unit" as the solution that would bring me contentment and love, since I knew that hadn't worked for my parent. Yet these 2 hopeless values (money and appearance) were totally subtly ingrained in me since I was young. So there was just no point to life.

The solution is to find other values, ones that are real and genuine. It's very worthwhile to start learning about the worth of yourself and of humans in general, apart from money and appearance. Starting with your ability to unconditionally accept – and then hopefully eventually even love – your self... I know this is a huge ask, but for example, think about how you feel about your own kid, then look at pictures of yourself as a child no matter how painful, and see if you can conjure up any empathy and affection for them, maybe even write a letter to them if you can stomach it.

After a few suicide attempts, have started to properly work on my relationship with myself, and am finding more that actually, I do want to spend time with myself as a person. If you find it too painful to talk to a therapist, I suggest a psychology workbook (www.amazon.co.uk/ACT-Workbook-Depression-Shame-Defectiveness/dp/1684035546/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1RNTF9BF2U2WJ&keywords=workbook+for+depression+and+shame&qid=1672696844&sprefix=workbook+for+depression+and+shame%2Caps%2C102&sr=8-1), or one of those online psychology courses an NHS doctor will give you the link to while you're waitlisted to talk to a therapist. At first, you can just view it as passively "learning" some psychological facts about how the general human brain works and its coping mechanisms.

It could be the job that’s doing you in. Consider quitting, changing jobs, going part time or taking a sabbatical. There’s so much more to life than work, and you may need to strike a better balance.

And yes very much seconded on CPTSD, I personally only faced general shittiness and not sexual abuse etc, but I very much recognise the signs in my parent which led them to that money+appearance+status=affection and acceptance coping mechanism

Parent who was sexually abused*

I’m sorry to hear you feel this way. You are worth more.

I hope this thread will kick start more support irl

Your four year old loves and needs you, and your wife I’m sure would be devastated

You matter. If you kill yourself there will be no you. You are irreplaceable. Your 4 year old won't care about money, he just wants you.

Youre not alone. You can get through this and find peace and tranquility again. There will be a way through and suicide is not in. Please keep talking to us here x

I just came on here to say OP you're amazing. Look at what you have achieved, so so much.

You can take a step back and evaluate things. You can certainly change your job for a start.

Hand hold for you and listening 💐

Ring the Samaritans if you need to speak to someone in RL (as many others have said). They really helped me by listening to me (abuse as a child).

Hi @SpiritWaning sorry you're feeling this way 😔
You sound like a really successful and inspiring person, the world needs people like you.
I hope by writing on MN you will feel a bit better and the supportive comments will help you get through this time.
Sorry if this advice doesn't help but when i feel down a good workout or run with music really helps me. Even if its for 20 minutes.

Op, you sound drained at the minute. Is there anyway of going part time? You need to have a break. Your child needs and loves you now and always. Can you relocate maybe? Somewhere to a slower pace and try a counsillor again til.you find someone you feel comfortable with.

Oh I really wish I had all the words to say to stop you hurting yourself and take away your pain.

I've been there- considering this solution. DD was a baby (she's 8 now). For me the answer was intensive therapy and medication.

I know men find it so difficult to talk through their emotions. This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem though. It can pass, even if you don't see it passing.

You need to think how your son will genuinely feel not having you in his life.

I understand regarding weight gain too. I was very skinny and have piled on the pounds. The difference is that DH is supportive.

Maybe you need to rethink your marriage if you are being put down. It sounds like a part of you thinks you just deserve that treatment. And it does sound like you need therapy.

Please do seek help immediately and talk openly to someone.

I know well meaning people say the things you mention don't sound like thinks you should feel suicidal over but that feeds into the guilt trip loop. Ultimately, the pain and trauma you have repressed is resurfacing.

Please do get help. There is a life beyond this pain.

X

@SpiritWaning
It's not easy and I guess it comes down to wanting to sink or swim, then trying to build step by step to.achieve what you want to achieve, e.g. Day by day, project by project,.step.by step, ect

all the best and positivity

Death is very final isn’t it? Why don’t you give your life another chance with some changes?

you can get a new job, something you’re passionate about and work less hours. You seem to have a high enough income to allow for a career change.

You don’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship, there’s plenty of people out there who will love and respect you unconditionally

Also weight gain can be reversed, I have just lost about 5kg myself in a few weeks. All it takes is to change your priorities and stop seeing yourself as a 2nd priority to work stress etc

In the end, the person that looks in the mirror has the strength and desire to succeed, others can offer great assistance, but in the end,.It's survival of you want to survive.

Lastly death should never be an option, unless.It's for the greater good e.g. Saving the planet, an !military operation etc

You're not selfish, or cowardly. You're in a lot of pain. But suicide will leave irreparable harm behind you, because you are the most important person in the world to your most important person in the world.

Your career isn't worth this. Don't stay in a career which takes so much from you yet doesn't enrich your life. From the moment we start school, we're taught that success looks like one thing - but true success is finding a way to live your life that brings you contentment.

Please, please don't kill yourself. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

We experience suicide ideation when our capacity for coping feel overwhelmed, but that doesn't mean our options are exhausted and you still have all yours to explore.

You've already taken the brave first step in reaching out for help, which is to post here.

That's a huge thing. I know - I've been suicidal and never found the courage to do what you've done. And reaching out shows your innate desire to be alive and to be out of pain.

If you can't face saying it out loud, show this post to your gp or use their econsult if they have it to email them instead. Then let them take the lead.

Your life can be any shape you want it. It doesn't have to be a £1m house and 70+ hour weeks. And it doesn't matter if you don't know yet what you would like your life to look like - you have time to work that out. It's enough right now to know that you don't want it look like this.

Have you ever heard the career advice that it's just as important - if not more so - to know what you don't want in a job than what you do?

Sometimes, working out what you'd prefer to not deal with is a practical way of making some inroads.

You're not alone.

So many men feel just the same as you do - you probably work with a few, too.

And you can keep posting here and talking to us as much as you'd like.

Working through past trauma takes time but that doesn't mean that it's going to be a long time before you start to feel better. Little steps, that's what's key.

Get your gp to sign off you and start looking after you...Focus on rest and engaging with treatment that the gp can support you with - therapy and/or medication. Trust me, it works.

What you need right now is support, time and space. Please don't become another statistic, and let those that love of you how desperate you feel.

Let them help you.

You'll come through this.

All of the advice above but also 4-5 hours sleep doesn't sound a lot, can you get more hours in? May help.. Take care. Your baby needs you x

It is not my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. If you call Samaritans, they will listen and give you the space to share all of your feelings. They won't judge you. They won't tell you that suicide is selfish. They won't try to guilt trip you. They will take you seriously.
Sometimes, just opening up can be the first step someone needs towards making changes in their life.
I hope you will feel able to access some support and understanding.

@QueenSmartypants thank you so much for writing the words that need to be said. OP please know that there are so many people that will absolutely care for you (they may not always show it) but they do. I promise you. Please get professional help.

I have a friend who has lost three male members of her extended family to suicide. The pain lasts a lifetime.

Please, please know that you are not alone.

Hi OP, sorry you're feeing so low.

As PP said, I think your trauma is catching up with you. I grew up observing my dad abusing my mum and have years of suicidal ideation in my past. It's hard to value yourself if you lack a basic sense of safety and have had suffering inflicted randomly.

I stopped seriously considering suicide after witnessing the effects of a suicide - by someone I hadn't known- on a friend. Please don't do this to your wife and kid.

It sounds like your job is difficult to step away from and you may face difficult choices if your mortgage is big, but in the long term, don't just stay in a job you dislike for the money.

For now, please just find some way to look after yourself. Take sick leave. Read the books or watch the videos recommended here. Go for walks, spend some time gazing into a candle flame. Remember stuff you used to be curious about. Whatever floats your boat, just find some solace. Will be holding you in my thoughts.