Close to killing myself

[SpiritWaning]

Firstly. I don’t know what I am expecting to achieve but writing this post. Perhaps it is because I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone else.

I am a man in my mid 30s. By most conventional metrics I would be deemed relatively successful. I recently bought my first house at more than £1m. I earn over £100k a year. Both of which could be seen as the completion of a rags to riches story, having spent most of my life up to the age of 24 in poverty. I also have a 4 year old kid. But there is a big problem, I am woefully unhappy.

This isn’t the first time I have had suicidal thoughts. In fact I’ve had them quite often but I’ve managed to brush them aside be in distraction with my super busy but dissatisfying job, my kid (who might be on the spectrum - TBD) etc… I’ve always seen suicide as an act of cowardice, especially if you have children and you might be about to tell was generally raised to repress feelings and carry on with a stiff upper lip but this time, I genuinely think I might do it.

ive never been good at discussing feelings, speaking to therapists etc… I’ve always just been moving a square at a time towards financial goals but these haven’t made me any happier.
Consequently I have a lot of trauma (mental and physical abuse as a child) which I have never discussed which might be a factor in how I’m feeling.

Ultimately I think the root cause is feeling unappreciated.

1. My job is generally unsatisfying and whilst I am senior enough that a pat on the back shouldn’t be necessary to keep me motivated, I find that because my life has been so work centric, I do actually need this from time to time.
2. My marriage is on the rocks. I feel undervalued and picked on for every little thing. I think the reason she does this is because she finds me uninspiring as a man because of weight that I have gained over the last few years and this seeps in to her attitude towards me in all regards. Simple answer would be to lose weight, but I generally struggle with life style given I work over 70hours a week on average in stressful conditions and with everything sleep 4-5 hours a day. Excuses perhaps/most probably.
3. my life is insured for more than £1m so in my head I’m worth more dead. Would be enough to pay the mortgage off and have a few hundred thousand left over. My wife could then remarry and get someone she actually loves and respects.

Again not sure what I am trying to achieve by posting this. Perhaps this is my condensed 13 reasons why or just cathartic in the hope that k don’t actually do this.

Hi OP. Would you like to DM me? I am in a very similar position to you, both regarding the suicidal ideation and stereotypically successful career (rocky marriage, also). I haven’t seeked professional help whether it’s therapy or medication, I suspect you haven’t either. If not, all the best, I hope things get better for us both.

@SpiritWaning also, chronic sleep deprivation is a killer. In all senses of the word- it'll take time to replenish your sleep, but it's crucial to recovering.

Please do it before it takes a dreadful toll on physhealth.

@Namaste6 thank you

Hello OP,

I just wanted to tell you I am here for you. Don’t do it. Your boy needs you.

Sending love x

Apologies for typo and formatting - its a MN formatting bug

Some links to help you @SpiritWaning

www.thecalmzone.net/

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/useful-contacts/

I think Calm Zone has a focus on male mental health too.

Someone once told me something that I hope helps.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
All of your reasons for wanting to take your life are temporary and changeable.
I know it feels like it isn't right now but it is. With some help and support, you can get though this. Please don't think your alone, your not.
Stop judging what is good by others measuring pole. A good job, money and a house does not mean happy.
Please phone someone, talk to someone and know we are all here

Hello OP.

I appreciate you for posting what you did. It's hard for anyone to say, and I'm grateful for those that have the courage to say it. It offers others a chance to reach out and help. It gave me pause to reflect on my own values and how I sometimes under-appreciate others. It reminded me that you can never truly know what others are going through.

You can tell by the number of responses already that a great many people want to help you, and I too would encourage you to seek out help in the real world. There's only so much that an internet forum can provide. For all I know, in real life we might be colleagues, or relatives, or school friends. And I'm sure that in real life, you'd be inundated with the same support you've had here if you shared your feelings as candidly with them as you've done with us.

But most of all - thank you for posting what you did. You are not unappreciated at all. Best wishes my friend.

Please know your worth. Of course your child loves and adores you & perhaps you have parents & other family too.

Try to do things that you enjoy & spend a little time each day doing these things.

You have done well to get a high paid job, but perhaps you need to change jobs to find something where you are valued.

You really are loved. Be kind to yourself.

@SpiritWaning on this big ole planet, there is only one you. You are unique. You cannot be replaced, and are very much needed by your loved ones. Look at what you have already achieved, despite having a horrendous first chapter to your story. You are obviously made of strong stuff, but that strength is being put to the test right now. You are stretching yourself to the limit, overworking, not sleeping enough, not fuelling your body correctly etc, there’s no wonder you are breaking down and have lost your light. You’re looking at the future with hopelessness, because you are feeling hopeless right now. BUT THIS IS NOT A PERMANENT STATE, time moves on, situations and feelings change, because that is life, nothing is ever set in stone, the good times, or the bad. Think of the good times you’ve had, and the joy you felt in those times, the birth of your son, falling in love with your wife, that great promotion, as unfathomable as it may feel right now, you WILL feel that joy again, without a doubt, but first you need to address the things that are causing the sadness. Speak to your GP, speak to your closest confidant, whether that be your wife or not. Speak to your boss about some time off, or if you don’t feel like stepping back from work completely is right for you, then at least reduce hours for a while. Overhaul your sleep and diet, nourish yourself with nutritious food, get out in nature, all these things will start to heal you. Remember, THIS IS NOT A PERMANENT STATE. X

Please don't. You would be missed too much. Please reach out for help to Samaritans. Or please keep posting on here.

You sound eloquent and self-aware - you only have one life. Your child and your family and friends want you to be here.

Another one here saying please don’t do this. You are worth more than you know.
this feeling you have can pass if you get help, help is out there if you keep talking.
sending you big hug right now.

They won’t get the life insurance if you kill yourself.

Look into the,eyes of your 4 year old . A truly beautiful achievement ..unconditional love always.

OP if you are in crisis please go to A&E, call the Samaritans and consider medication.

Stay for your 4 year old if nothing else. Stay for them until it’s not so painful any more. Lots of good advice on this thread. You don’t have Bipolar but Joe Tracini speaks very movingly and openly about suicide. Keep talking. amp.theguardian.com/society/2020/aug/17/bpd-and-me-how-comedian-joe-tracini-saved-his-own-life-and-gave-hope-to-others

Four to five hours sleep is nowhere near enough, especially over the long term. Sleep deprivation does serious things to all aspects of your health. I appreciate that you have many other things going on in your life besides this, but it may be one aspect you could look at and do something about right now.

Stay till the end of your natural life span, OP. You don't know how the story ends.

Another thing I meant to say, op. Sometimes all you need to do is cling on by a fingernail.

That's all it takes to give yourself the time needed to get help and heal. While you're clinging on, things will change.

Neutral moments will creep in among the bad. Then a few good. You'll realise one day hasn't been so bad.

Then you'll find you'll have a moment where you realise you feel happiness. It might be momentary, but it'll be there and it'll be big.

Eventually, the neutral and good times will balance out the bad times. Then they'll outweigh them.

Recovery from depression isn't linear,but with each bump you'll come back a bit quicker, a bit more easily

@SpiritWaning

I wrote this from personal experience 5 years ago. I have been where you are many times since I was young. Please read it. Then please come back and give me your thoughts:

sweatpantsandcoffee.com/sweatpants-sanity-the-s-word/

I look forward to hearing your opinions.

OP - you are loved. Your child needs you. Your family need you and they WANT you here. Please do not do this.

Speak to someone in real life.

No amount of money will be good enough, you are a person, their person. Speak to someone

Hi op, I’ve been where you are. Boxing Day 2016, I had (a then) 2 year old, divorced and basically felt like it was all over for me. I wasn’t sure how I’d do it but I was sure as hell ready to go.

I couldn’t reach anyone on the phone due to their own commitments that day, I finally
got hold of a friend who stayed on the phone with me till I was able to refocus - the thoughts were rushing around my head I needed grounding.

for the next few days I felt like I’d cheated death. I looked around the room imaging how
it would be if I’d gone through with it. How surreal it felt. But I also realised what I actually wanted more than to die was for the pain I felt to go away.

this is all suicide is, nobody actually wants to kill themselves; they just want the pain to stop. And it will.

I reached out to the gp, got on antidepressants, got some private counselling (it can take a few goes to find someone who “suits” you) but once I did these things it truly did help. If it takes time for you to be ready for that help, Samaritans are really worth their weight in gold, I called them and it was like talking to someone who just knew what to do/say. It’s intimidating but you really never regret the call. Again it feels surreal after for a while but that’s reality catching up with you - you don’t actually want to die.

I think often about that period in my life, the things I’d have left behind, seeing my son grow, the holidays I’ve been on the friends I’ve made. All because I just decided to stay a bit longer. Put off death for another day.

I’ve also been affected by suicide, not
someone close, a mum friend of a friend sort of thing - didn’t know her but knowing she had a family, children, a life, and took her own I still think about her years later - suicide has a ripple effect, you think you’ll save everyone the grief of you just cut yourself out of it, but the truth is it’ll ripple and affect people, some you may not even know. That’s how important you are.

I doubt a few paragraphs will be able to help you op suddenly feel better, suicide doesn’t work like that but you’ve posted, you’ve reached out which tells me largely that this is something you don’t want and without even knowing anything more than what you have posted I can tell you now your life is worth living it is worth sticking around for a bit longer, not only for your child, but for you too. You matter. You are worth it.

I wish I could reach through the phone and help more. It’s such a close personal experience for me, I know how it feels to be that close to the edge. Stay a bit longer op, you matter.

@SpiritWaning

I wrote one other which I hope will
make you feel less alone and misunderstood. I understand. I get it, and so do many many others:

at.tumblr.com/beeinmybonnet/the-warrior/u9nal1xmthvq

(I had forgotten all about these blog posts but dug them out this evening after reading your post)

To all the kind hearted well meaning posters who are begging OP to stay for other people’s sakes (even his own child), this is rarely helpful and can make things worse. A suicidal person is acutely aware of the damage it would inflict, and doesn’t benefit from more guilt and responsibility being piled on in this way.

A person who has reached this point needs the weight lifted, not added to, and deserves to want to stay alive for their own sake alone.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low OP but you will get though this. Lots of people care, I care, lots of PP’s care and you’re family and friends care, even if they don’t actively show it.

All the points you’ve mentioned can be changed. Find a more satisfying job and forget the money, this clearly isn’t making you happy. If you’re marriage isn’t happy, you need to communicate with your wife as you have done here or end things and find someone who will care for you as you deserve and bring you nothing but happiness. Go and see a therapist, do not worry if you’re not great at talking or communicating just give it a try. Try to find things you genuinely enjoy, life shouldn’t just be about working.

Taking steps to improve your life and find enjoyment is far better than seeking an easy way out. Your son needs you OP, you may not see it now but you will reap the rewards in the future.

You can do this. Please PM me if you need someone to talk to - I’m sure many people here would be willing to listen OP. 💐

This will destroy the life of your child and everyone around you. The immense pain and trauma you will cause your child, family and everyone around you for generations will never go away. It will ruin them. Please seek help.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so very unhappy. My friend committed suicide recently and left behind a spouse and two young children. My friend thought they were doing the right thing, was too depressed to think straight.

At the memorial service my main thought was if my friend could come back and see the utter devastation they had caused it would have stopped them in their tracks. The children are devastated, it will be with them their entire lives. The spouse doesn’t know where to turn and has had to give up work, not for financial reasons but to make sure the children have a parent at home after such a traumatic event and feel loved. The wider family and friends are devastated and picking up the pieces. Lives are changed for ever.

Whatever it might feel like now - perhaps that people are better off without you - could not be further from the truth. Pause, seek out help (medical or therapy or both). Life is worth living for you and your family. Don’t give up.