Close to killing myself

[SpiritWaning]

Firstly. I don’t know what I am expecting to achieve but writing this post. Perhaps it is because I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone else.

I am a man in my mid 30s. By most conventional metrics I would be deemed relatively successful. I recently bought my first house at more than £1m. I earn over £100k a year. Both of which could be seen as the completion of a rags to riches story, having spent most of my life up to the age of 24 in poverty. I also have a 4 year old kid. But there is a big problem, I am woefully unhappy.

This isn’t the first time I have had suicidal thoughts. In fact I’ve had them quite often but I’ve managed to brush them aside be in distraction with my super busy but dissatisfying job, my kid (who might be on the spectrum - TBD) etc… I’ve always seen suicide as an act of cowardice, especially if you have children and you might be about to tell was generally raised to repress feelings and carry on with a stiff upper lip but this time, I genuinely think I might do it.

ive never been good at discussing feelings, speaking to therapists etc… I’ve always just been moving a square at a time towards financial goals but these haven’t made me any happier.
Consequently I have a lot of trauma (mental and physical abuse as a child) which I have never discussed which might be a factor in how I’m feeling.

Ultimately I think the root cause is feeling unappreciated.

1. My job is generally unsatisfying and whilst I am senior enough that a pat on the back shouldn’t be necessary to keep me motivated, I find that because my life has been so work centric, I do actually need this from time to time.
2. My marriage is on the rocks. I feel undervalued and picked on for every little thing. I think the reason she does this is because she finds me uninspiring as a man because of weight that I have gained over the last few years and this seeps in to her attitude towards me in all regards. Simple answer would be to lose weight, but I generally struggle with life style given I work over 70hours a week on average in stressful conditions and with everything sleep 4-5 hours a day. Excuses perhaps/most probably.
3. my life is insured for more than £1m so in my head I’m worth more dead. Would be enough to pay the mortgage off and have a few hundred thousand left over. My wife could then remarry and get someone she actually loves and respects.

Again not sure what I am trying to achieve by posting this. Perhaps this is my condensed 13 reasons why or just cathartic in the hope that k don’t actually do this.

Hello
Well done for reaching out here

There is more to life than money or weight. I am currently typing over my middle age spread
It's not too late to change all of this
If you have dc you will be affecting their futures hugely
Sending love and please ring the Samaritans and seek help

My dad killed himself and I miss him so much. No one in your life would be better without you. I think my dad thought that the life insurance thing would make our lives better- it didn’t. It messed us all up so much. He missed everything- walking me down the aisle, meeting grandchildren. I think you writing on here means you don’t want to do it and you want help. It might seem impossible but there is help out there. And you could find someone else to be with who loves and respects you for who you are.
your son needs you. Call someone for help- Samaritans, gp, mind, whoever you can call.

You can't leave your child fatherless. It is selfish, there's no getting away from it. No harm in trying counselling if you think it would help to talk about your childhood but first port of call is your GP tomorrow. Have you told your wife how you feel, that you're suicidal?

Please get some help. Text SHOUT to 85258. Someone will text you back to support you. They are 24/7. Take care x

I’ve had suicidal ideation for years. So I feel your pain. I think if there was a switch I could flip that just ended it all instantly I’d do it.

Are you on any medication? I ask because once I started on anti depressants it went from actively planning suicide to just mulling it over on the regular. I mean hardly a great leap but it’s kept me here another 15 years. I should have used those 15 years more wisely, and there’s nothing to say you couldn’t do a lot better than me.

Sounds a bit like you’re in a pressure cooker with zero release, just constant upping of said pressure slowly, bit by bit. From wife, kid worry, work.

Do you do anything for YOU? Golf, hiking, swimming, a book club, anything at all? Sounds to me like you could really do with having some specific time to sit with your own thoughts away from everyone and everything that causes you stress. 70 hour weeks are brutal. I was very envious of your statement about the high earnings and wonderful house (genuine well done by the way) until I read the hours you do.

Im rambling now. But I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, I know the pain is somehow immeasurable and simultaneously the most numb a person could feel. Sending a hug x

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well at the moment. Your kid really needs you to seek help and not complete suicide. Do you have someone you could call to sit with you through these feelings?

Trauma and it's effects are real. I'm so sorry your parents were not able to give you a secure childhood that you deserved. I know you don't see yourself talking with a therapist but there are so many physical ways to work on childhood trauma and hope for recovery.

Would you be up for reading the book or listening to the audiobook of The Body Keeps the Score? It's a great explanation of what happens to us when we experience trauma. Sending you supportive wishes.

You are definitely not worth more dead. Suicide doesn’t stop the pain it only moves it and this time it will move it onto your child/wife. No amount of money could ever replace you. You need to communicate with your wife and tell her how you feel. Contact your GP, there is also lots of private therapy options. I hope you get the help you need.

Speak to someone, anyone. GP, crisis team, SHOUT or a family member. Anyone who can see you face to face and "anchor" you while you feel this way.
Believe me I know how bleak it feels. Like there's no hope that you'll ever feel a passion for anything in life again so you may as well stop here.
You are so important though. You have a child that loves you and needs you. Why do you get to choose whether your child keeps their dad or not? I don't mean that harshly. Just that nobody should actively make that choice to turn their child's world upside down by removing one of their most important people but when we're in the depth of suicidal feelings we don't see how needed and loved we are.

Check in with us whenever you need. Just keep holding on and one day you'll look back and be so glad you did. It will take some time but you can do it.

Would they receive the £1m insurance if you killed yourself?

Apart from that, no, they wouldn't be better without you. Two of my relatives thought that when they got sick. All the family would rather help them. Get help.

Please talk to someone in real life OP.
I am so sorry that you feel like this. Having lost friends and a close relative to suicide, I can tell you that it leaves agonising pain and devastation for the people left behind. Whatever you are thinking, it isn’t the truth. Thoughts that your loved ones would be better off, wouldn’t miss you, don’t need you. Not the truth. Depression tells lies.
You sound emotionally and physically exhausted. You have hit rock bottom but things can and will get better once you have some support.
If you feel like you are going to take things further please, please call the Samaritans or your GP.
I hope you can get some real support now OP.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]]
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

OP, we really hope things improve for you soon.

@SpiritWaning 💐❤️

You can change your life, you don't need to end it. There is more to it all than work, money cannot make anyone happy or fulfilled.

Tell us OP, what would be your dream place to live?

You can go there, you can make things happen. Your son needs his dad, if you and your wife are unhappy then split, find someone who makes who happy and accepts you.

We only get one chance at this. Don't let it go to waste, no regrets.

Is there an Andy's Man Club near you, OP? Brilliant support group for men.
All the best to you.

You need to tell someone in real life how you are feeling .... writing it here is a start. Phone someone now your partner, a friend, a helpline , anyone.

It's the start of getting help and getting better.

Please call Samaritans. You have many experiences and feelings which are having an impact on your thinking, and in return, your thinking is impacting on how you’re feeling. You can change this 💐

Please realise you're brilliant.

Imagine you are sitting next to someone you really love and care about more than anything, what would you say to them if they said they wanted to kill themselves?

Speak to yourself as you would that person.

You're better off alive if not for anything your kid, you can make small tiny changes everyday which will build and build. Go for little walks in random places. Begin to look at healthy food as tonic for your soul.

We're here for you.

Please please don't follow through with this.

My son took his own life two years ago. No-one knew anything was wrong so it was like throwing a grenade into the lives of his family and friends. It has been devastating and none of us will ever get over it or be able to lead 'normal' lives again.

There is help out there and people who love you and need you and want you to be in their lives. There are other things you can do to improve the things you don't like; an honest conversation with your wife? Counselling? A complete career overhaul? Getting a private fitness coach or life coach to help work on some goals?

Please don't do this. I would give my left arm and my right leg to have been able to say this to my son. To tell him how much he is loved and that nothing is as bad as it seems right now. With help and the right support you can get through this and learn to love yourself and your life again.

You are worth much more to your son than all the money in this world.

Lots of good advice here. I once considered suicide. My child was my anchor to carry on living. I couldn't leave them behind. I realised I had to keep talking to friends and family, to helplines, and to my GP. I was blown away by how many people I spoke to who said, yes, been there, I kind of know what you're going through. You think you are alone in this, but you will find out, you are not. Eventually you will find more and more reasons why you are a brilliant person. It raises you up.

Take a pause OP. Follow the advice given here. It will get better.

Thankyou for writing here @SpiritWaning You've come to a great place for support.

Please make a call to Samaritans if you are able. The act of talking to someone gets that intense dialogue out of your head just by sharing your words. It really eases the pressure.

No amount of money can replace you. Your friends and family would do all they can to help you if they knew how you are feeling.

My dad took his life and the ripples extend far and wide, but right now I understand you aren't looking at this.

Please make that call.

All the best and positively

I don’t feel like I’m in a position to give advice on this right now so what I’ll do is suggest that you read or listen to some Mo Gawdat.

If you do, you’ll see why I think it might be helpful to you on the whole ‘success and nice things not bringing happiness’ point. He’s the only person in a long time who has engaged me on the subject.

I hope you find your way to happiness.

You are not selfish. And it’s not better for others if you aren’t here. Don’t add those things to your pile of things to grapple with.

You sound like a thoughtful person. Sometimes life is very hard to deal with but it will be worth it for your family -and for yourself - if you can get through this.

I can only suggest small steps towards change. So focusing more on yourself and less on work. You sound like you might be in corporate law. That’s tough and long hours.

You need to get better and you are absolutely worth it. You’ve had to work hard to achieve in your career and you have a family which is also an achievement. So for now try to accept that you are feeling unwell and you need to focus on yourself for a bit.
Don’t worry about how much you weigh. However if you enjoy taking exercise as time for yourself then you could set some time aside for this.

I know it’s very hard to change your mindset. I’m actually feeling extremely low myself although thankfully not suicidal. I’m having to accept I’m not well though. And trying to take things easy.

call one of the organisations people above have suggested.
take care and I hope you feel much better soon.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I've been on both sides of the coin, wanting to do it myself for decades and having my son attempt it.

PLEASE DON'T.

The things you've mentioned aren't worth ending your life over. I understand why you're feeling like you are, but honestly, things won't always be like this. I've struggled for 3 decades with mental health issues and there was a time where every night I would beg to die in my sleep and when I woke up in the morning I felt like I was being punished to keep living the hell I was (and still am).

Speak to someone in your real life, friend, family member, your wife, failing that, Contact the crisis team, they are really good, I personally didn't find the Samaritans that helpful.

Anyway, once again, don't do it - I'm
not going to say you're 'selfish' because being so slow that you're wanting to die isn't selfish is wanting to end your pain - but it will hurt your kiddo for years and years to come.

Ultimately I think the root cause is feeling unappreciated

Do you think your 4 year old show appreciation now? You have a duty of care. What do you think of the impact of you taking your life on your 4 years old? For me, that is a good enough reason to think again. You are not alone. You have someone that you being there may have great impact on the future. Money can't buy love and affection.