Close to killing myself

[SpiritWaning]

Firstly. I don’t know what I am expecting to achieve but writing this post. Perhaps it is because I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone else.

I am a man in my mid 30s. By most conventional metrics I would be deemed relatively successful. I recently bought my first house at more than £1m. I earn over £100k a year. Both of which could be seen as the completion of a rags to riches story, having spent most of my life up to the age of 24 in poverty. I also have a 4 year old kid. But there is a big problem, I am woefully unhappy.

This isn’t the first time I have had suicidal thoughts. In fact I’ve had them quite often but I’ve managed to brush them aside be in distraction with my super busy but dissatisfying job, my kid (who might be on the spectrum - TBD) etc… I’ve always seen suicide as an act of cowardice, especially if you have children and you might be about to tell was generally raised to repress feelings and carry on with a stiff upper lip but this time, I genuinely think I might do it.

ive never been good at discussing feelings, speaking to therapists etc… I’ve always just been moving a square at a time towards financial goals but these haven’t made me any happier.
Consequently I have a lot of trauma (mental and physical abuse as a child) which I have never discussed which might be a factor in how I’m feeling.

Ultimately I think the root cause is feeling unappreciated.

1. My job is generally unsatisfying and whilst I am senior enough that a pat on the back shouldn’t be necessary to keep me motivated, I find that because my life has been so work centric, I do actually need this from time to time.
2. My marriage is on the rocks. I feel undervalued and picked on for every little thing. I think the reason she does this is because she finds me uninspiring as a man because of weight that I have gained over the last few years and this seeps in to her attitude towards me in all regards. Simple answer would be to lose weight, but I generally struggle with life style given I work over 70hours a week on average in stressful conditions and with everything sleep 4-5 hours a day. Excuses perhaps/most probably.
3. my life is insured for more than £1m so in my head I’m worth more dead. Would be enough to pay the mortgage off and have a few hundred thousand left over. My wife could then remarry and get someone she actually loves and respects.

Again not sure what I am trying to achieve by posting this. Perhaps this is my condensed 13 reasons why or just cathartic in the hope that k don’t actually do this.

Hi Spirit,
I’m not sure any of us can ever be sure that we can make our lives happy, but we can do things to make them less unhappy.

You certainly can because you have done such a fantastic job of working hard towards financial success. Neither the work nor the money are making you happy but you know you have drive and grit.

Honestly, I would start with counselling. Someone to be objective, empathetic, on your side and helping you build new skills to empower yourself. Survivors of Childhood abuse deserve all the support they can get to deal with the long term affects.

Also your marriage. It must be incredibly precarious to go from parents, those who should protect you, who abuse you to a wife who attacks and derided you. You can’t thrive like that. But you can leave. Your money gives you that option. Yes, you will be poorer, but who cares? Wealthy isn’t happy.

But it may be that counselling shines a light in a way forwards with your wife. If you both wanted to try.

One way or another there is a path for you to less unhappiness. Hard to find it in the confusion at the moment but give it a go with some counselling OP and someone with your capacity for hard work will find it. And you will come out stronger and the best Dad for your child, whatever he needs.

Please don't do it. Lots of us experience highs and lows in life, you will be happy again if you stick around. Do it for your wife and kid but do it firstly for yourself you are so worth it.

I wi join you in getting fit this year! What about taking a walk at lunchtimes?

See I there is anything to do to get a better work life balance eg delegating at work, getting work to pay for a life coach. Find things you enjoy doing outside of work for you. It will take some organising but things will get better.

Counselling will help with the abuse. It was never your fault.

You clearly have ambition and drive to make it to a million pound house and 100k a year from poverty.
don’t give up on yourself, if your job is not fulfilling despite the money change it.

maybe your wife is is tired after looking after a toddler and not getting to see you because of your 70hr weeks.

I think you have seen first hand that money does not buy happiness.
do you have some savings to enable a career break?
some companies allow sabbaticals

please don’t give up everyone around you will miss you, everyone around you will be deeply affected and your son will grow up without a father a couple of hundred grand and a nice house won’t replace you

You often read of suicide being "cowardly" but when you think about it, that's such a ridiculous comment. It must be incredibly painful mentally.

Ultimately, suicidal ideation is a mental health issue. In short, you need urgent medical help, just as you would for a serious physical issue.

You don't have to put up with this. Yes, maybe your relationship is contributing to your unhappiness but there is never one factor, it is a complex thing and professional help can support you to untangle your issues and find meaning again.

You don't need to be rich or slim to be a great person. Being there, physically and emotionally, for your child will make you a brilliant dad. But you can't do that fully until you are a bit better. You probably need a good rest, some space, a good listening ear and a plan. Please ask for help.

80 incredible strangers have all been along before me to support you, and tell you that you are worth it. Please stay around 💐

You have done well to reach out.

My dad died through suicide. I’ve come close myself, but have managed to pull through partly by thinking about all the good stuff my dad missed out on. Anxiety and magnifying situations can lead to spur of the moment decisions. It’s easy too to feel trapped and without options, counselling can really help widen your thinking and help lift you out of the despair. It’s tough, and shite, and unfair, but you can rebuild. Time to be a bit selfish, get yourself through, in healthy ways, so you can be the best father/version of you. Good luck, and keep talking x

I think given your username you’re a Gang of Youths fan. Take note of what Dave says, there’s no more heroic thing than going to sleep feeling like you do with the hope that tomorrow will be better. But you need action: appt with mental health S/W and GP for possible medication then a straight talk with your wife about the future which may or may not include her ! We’re all watching tonight to support you.♡

You matter! You are important! You will get through this! Look at the positives!

You have a
Child - what a gift
Job - if your not happy in it then find something else
Youth - you are young you have so much ahead of you and time to change things your not happy with
Weight - you can loose it or tone up
Marriage - work in it or if your not being treated good and you are happy then you can walk away. You deserve to be happy too

Please speak with the Samaritans and the GP. Medication? Therapy?

And practice some self care such as
Bath/ shower
Lavender under pillow
Lavender lotions
Sleep with white noise might make your wife relax too
Exercise even if it's just a brief walk
Sing your heart out it helps
Laugh - watch only funny movies or films
Don't drink alcohol but drink lots of water
Change your diet to a healthy one
Get your self new bed sheets and pajamas to relax in
Get a hobby - anything
Tell your wife how you are feeling
Tell friends how you are feeling - if you don't have anyone then join a club and get chatting to people
Write down why you are great and read it out loud every morning
Write down how you are feeling

You can do this

Firstly, I am so sorry you feel this way.

As someone who works in mental health and speaks with men on a regular basis I want to tell you that you are not alone. Please have a look for men's mental health support groups in your area. I know Andy's man club runs all over the UK.

andysmanclub.co.uk/find-your-nearest-group/

There is help out there. Please don't suffer alone. Contact your Gp, samaritans, shout and look for mens mental health groups. What you ideally need is a psychologist to help your understand how your past trauma affects your mental health now. Your gp should be able to make a referral, however, another option would be to see one privately. But in the meantime, if you feel your are actively going to end your life and are about to carry out your plan, please attend A&E where you will be seen by the crisis mental health team.

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/

I also quoted this poster because I just wanted to say that not all life insurance policies pay out for suicide. My friends husband ended his life several years ago. Life insurance wouldn't pay out because it was suicide. Her children were young at the time and they lost their home. They are ok, they got a house with the council but it has been really difficult for them with losing their husband and dad and losing their home and her job at the time because she couldn't cope with the grief and raising two young children whilst being homeless. I just wanted to share this story to let you know that whilst suicide ends your pain, it will be the beginning of your wife & children's.

Lastly, I really hope that you seek help & support. Life does not have to be this way, there is help out there.

Wishing you all the best.

The point about your wife being able to remarry and be with someone else struck a chord with me OP. I’ve been there thinking everyone would be better off with me around. Desperate to feel that I had some value but feeling worthless. Also with a traumatic childhood including every kind of abuse but the emotional abuse being the worst.

I had chronically low self esteem from my core beliefs (set down in childhood) that I was worthless and didn’t deserve a happy life like ‘normal’ people. No matter what I achieved I didn’t deserve it.

Before you do anything else, I would urge you to explore what your core beliefs are about yourself and challenge them wholeheartedly! IME most suicidal people don’t actually want to die, they just want the pain to stop. The only thing that stopped me carrying it out was not wanting my own DC to feel anything like I did in that they weren’t worth me staying for and then the cycle continuing.

Also having your own DC can bring childhood trauma to the fore as you realise that you would be horrified if they went through what you did. Is your DC at an age that something happened/started happening to you as a child?

Could you give yourself 6 months to explore this with a private therapist and then see how you feel about yourself? Don’t bother with GP, you’ll wait for months. You are well worth the expense no matter what you may tell yourself. You’ve got absolutely nothing to lose at this point, tell the therapist everything, no shame, they’ll have heard similar before. Sometimes just saying what happened to you out loud starts the processing and healing. You need to prioritise on sleep as well as running on empty heightens all our demons and anxieties.

Are you sure your wife is digging you about your weight to be nasty or is she concerned for your health? With such low self esteem, you could be misconstruing it? I know I did with my DH. I didn’t tell him about my childhood until early 40’s and was in therapy because I never believed it was that bad until then. Can you have a frank talk with her when your little one is not about? Does she know about your childhood?

As PP have said, you are not alone in where you are. True that suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that can be, if not fully resolved, worked through to a point that you want to live.

Morning @SpiritWaning how are you feeling today?

Hi Op
I am sorry to hear you feel this way, even before I read in your thread Op, that you had extremely traumatic dysfunctional childhood,

I knew that you had experienced/suffered this,
How did I know that?
It's because I have experienced a experienced a very Crap childhood myself in children's ect,

I feel a lot of your high achieving ways, career wise, is because of having such a Crap childhood, it's made you feel worthless, given you such low self esteem, that you don't feel worthy enough, unless you work yourself into the ground,
That's why you are perfectionist about yourself,
A workaholic,

There is very enlightening Talks on youtube by Dr Gabor Mate, he is world renowned Psychologyist,Author (who is like human "whisper")
He experienced a shit childhood himself,experienced Holocaust growing up etc.

The Myth of Normal Talk/ book by Dr Gabor Mate,
Will really help you understand why you are the way you are,

Also seriously look ,research into finding various different Therapies that are effective for Psychological /Psyche issues, even ones that specialise in childhood traumas issues too,

Hi Op

Also look into Mumsnet Op threads on people experiences on having various Therapies and how it's helped them too.

Keep an open mind,
don't be put off, if one type of therapy is not as effective for you as you thought it will be,

you will eventually sooner or later will find a therapy or Therapies that will be better more effective will work for you.

I think what is Compounds, makes it even harder emotionally for you to seek help, is obviously the social stigma of mental health,

Especially for men, society judgemental attitudes, towards mental health,
Really Fucks up People's Minds too,

Society attitudes to mental Health issues is to think people are like 🤖 Robots, !

Which is Seriously Weird thinking for Society to judge people like this,

The only glimmer of light to come out of covid 19 Pandemic is that Society attitudes has started to shift/ to realise, that mental health issues is Connected to having Adverse (Shit) experiences in life,

Dr Gabor Mate world renowned Psychologyist (Human Whisper )

Makes a compellingly talks /case that having shitty experiences in life, how it can be detrimental to ones emotional /physical well being ect.

Also there are other Talks/Podcasts self help books 📚 can support you to discover better help emotionally.

The first step is reaching out for help Op
takes Courage to do so, especially when we live in such a judgemental society.

Hi Op
I ment to say, I experienced a Shit childhood myself in children's home,ect,
thankfully I did have some good childhood experiences being adopted,but unfortunately I didn't experience enough good experiences to counter act the Reality of Shit childhood experiences too.

OP, I haven’t read the entire thread, but re the talking about feelings stuff.

I was the same (I also have a lot of trauma in my past), I hated talking to therapists, used to tell them what I thought they wanted to hear. Now I realise that I simply hadn’t found the right therapist- and when I did, it saved my life

Please don’t give up 🌸

Hi Op
I agree with other person/people who posted replied to your Op Thread,
I really think it's about time,long overdue, you think about yourself and your emotional needs,

I think you need to take a sabbatical from work demands,to reflect, consirder how to look after yourself better,(not to carry on neglecting yourself,
Which is obviously detrimental to your well being,
Like, what happened to you as a child.

I think you Need to seriously use sabbatical break from work, as a time to see how you can find a much better work/life balance ect,
,and whether working so many hours,like this
Is really worth it,!

Rember it's better to have a better quality of life,(lower pay work, than make yourself ill,
Your health is so much more important,

Just thinking a well being/or spiritual retreats would be beneficial to you,helping /support to change your mindset too.

Look on the Internet to find out about Retreats like these too in uk or even abroad retreats too.

Hi Op
Also I think joining a regular healthspa sessions membership such as using Jacuzzi ,sauna swimming 🏊‍♂️ pool ect,
Would be beneficial for you too.

Also having regular complentary Therapies sessions would help you feel better,
Give you a much needed boost emotionally.

I was just thinking of Men's Shed charity, which is charity for men doing wood work/creating wood craft objects, and helps men to talk about stuff in their minds, in a non judgement environment.

I don't know if they have Mens Shed charity in England,
As I live in Wales,
But if you are interested? you can find out.

I spoke to my wife (more like argued) before my original post.

I said that my life is just stress all round and that I feel she picks on me for no reason/constantly expresses negativity to me be it my weight, what she deems is messiness, how I am not being a good role model to our son, other small things etc… and that if she pushes me anymore I will just take my life.

I don’t know whether she doesn’t care or whether she thinks I am exaggerating. But she doesn’t seem to understand why I feel life is just a slog. I’m more than aware that financially, I’m relatively privileged and my 16 year old self that walked 3 miles to school for lack of bus fare and living a temp accommodation sharing a room with my mentally ill and abusive mother would probably slap me and tell me to man up. But I have relatively little joy - still driving my first car, which is 12 years old little runaround. Still worrying about money (as we pay privately for certain therapies for my son), working on average 70 hours a week, up to sometimes 110 hours a week. Then coming back to an environment where I don’t feel appreciated or valued is draining. I don’t feel my family appreciate the burden I take on myself for them given I spend very little on myself and put all my money in to paying the mortgage, bills, expenses and savings.

My wife works also, so not like everything is on me and not like I expect the red carpet and a whiskey in hand when I come back home from work like it’s the 1950s but I just thought life would be better than it is. I thought my kid would love me so intensely but half the time he hits me and has social issues (possibly autistic). I thought life would be more comfortable/enjoyable. I also didn’t mention I have another kid on the way (relatively early stages) which I know makes my thoughts and intents extra selfish.

Im not one of these Andrew Tate hyper masculine men but I have to a degree operated with a similar mentality. Get on with it. Don’t complain. Ride the problem. Don’t show weakness….It’s exhausting.

On taking sick leave. The worries I have on how society will perceive me, the impact on my career/ability to provide have stopped me from doing so. sounds weird to say that I’ve justified suicide as being the easier option because of the life insurance payouts.

On my childhood trauma. Perhaps I need to speak to someone. Perhaps making peace with/understanding the current impacts it has on me (such as my short temper) will help, I don’t know.

It’s not that I want to, to kill myself and leave one (maybe 2) children fatherless. It’s selfish but I need life to be greener and I just don’t see it happening. I don’t know how or when I will be happy or have ever truly been happy at any point in my life. If happiness is not meant for me, maybe it’s just easier to go. I’m also scared that speaking to my GP will just make life worse, as being a certain title/pay band is the only half way validating thing I have. If that goes downhill, not only am I loser. I’m a loser that can’t provide.

Also want to thank the responses. Some of these look helpful and will look in to it.

Life is hard.

Really hard. And it can be a real slog.

It sounds like your life had been harder than others and there's no shame in struggling with that.

These boards are filled with posts from mothers who struggle with slog, struggle with autistic or disabled children. See no hope or happiness in their future.

I say this only to show that you're not alone.

Re your wife: your communications with each other are up the spout. Your throwing your pain, anger and frustrations at each other and I suspect neither of you are actually hearing the other. I'm going to guess that she's struggling too.

Again, this doesn't diminish what you're going through.

I suggest you find a good relationship counsellor who can help you listen to each other - active listening is important. I suspect you're both seeking validation from each other and both hitting walls.

A good counsellor can help you both come together again and start working as a team. To understand each others struggles and frustrations in a proactive way. Definitely more important with another baby on the way!

If you don't address the communication issues in your relationship, you may not have one for much longer.

Re. Time off from work. Consider arranging a sabbatical. And/or say you need to time to look after your child. But there's no shame in being honest, admitting you're mental health is struggling so much doesn't mean you're weak or that you're bad at your job.

When the check engine light on your car flashes up, you take it to get fixed - you don't keep driving it and hope no one will notice.
But a therapist can also help you reframe your feelings about masculinity and mental health so that you can deal with it better and address it with work in such a way you don't feel you're showing weakness.

I work in a competitive corporate world in the City and I've seen senior execs and directors cry because they're struggling with their mental health and marital troubles. It's really more normal than you think!

If you're not ready to look at time off from work, that's fine and your choice. But please do reach out to your gp because they can really help.

As a pp said, change your life, don't end it!
Jobs
Marriages
Houses
Lifestyles
They can all be changed. You are unique and can never be replaced. Your suicide would 'bequeath' a lifetime of emotional pain on your child, I.e. you would be passing the pain on, not ending it.

Sending you strength.

You are probaly depressed, please seek some professional advice. Having suffered from suicidal ideation and going through some years of professional help and therapy, if it helps you can PM for a chat. My issues were mainly childhood related.

I felt like this OP, a couple of years ago, and had a detailed suicide plan I had decided to enact. The day I decided that I happened to read in a newspaper an article by someone called Joey Essex (who I had never heard of, reality tv star I gather) whose mum killed herself when he was a child. He talked about how this affected him deeply still and he said, ' My Mum got rid of all her pain, but what about me?'

That stopped me in my tracks.

Ten years ago I was in a very similar situation to you. In a job that paid very well, two DCs in private school / nursery, worked / studied hard to get where I was, working up to 70 hours a week when I should have been working 30, my self worth was completely tied to my job etc. Then I had a minor car accident and started crying and couldn’t stop. I had no choice but to be signed off work for nearly 2 months, started taking Prozac and eventually had counselling.

Once the medication kicked in it gave me enough clarity of thought to make some difficult decisions and 3 months later I left my stressful job and became self employed in a completely new but much more relaxed field. The counselling helped me understand how childhood trauma had shaped who I was and how I made decisions. You’ve made the first step by admitting here that you need help, make a second step by calling your GP and telling them absolutely everything. You can be happy, it’s not going to happen overnight but once you accept help, things will start to improve.