My Mum said "You might as well just end it all now"

[CantBeTamed]

Hi,

I'll will try and make a long story short.

I'm 33 I have a myriad of health conditions, some I was born with and some I have acquired. Some are quite serious and potentially life threatening. This has caused me to develop CPTSD on top of the BPD I already have.

I am a very anxious person but always try my very best to "keep calm and carry on". Some days I have some very unpleasant symptoms that I think would push anyone to their limits as they are scary - for example - heart fluttering and all over numbness and tingling.

My Mum has very little sympathy. If I tell her I'm feeling unwell or start to panic she will roll her eyes and just tell me to calm down. I asked her if I could stay at hers for the night yesterday just to give my DH a bit of a break and she started rolling her eyes and sighing, saying "Ugh, do you have to".

This morning I've had to switch from an injectable blood thinner to an oral one which is a huge deal for me because the injectable medicine has become somewhat of a crutch. Without making a fuss I said I was a little nervous about switching as I opened the pill box and she said "Ugh, well I'm afraid you're just going to have to start doing what's best for you and start being more positive, think about the happiness of everyone around you, if you're not going to start being more positive about your health you might as well just end it all now."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I feel so alone and unsupported.

You grew up with constant invalidation from her. She will never change. You do not need her input in your life. Remove yourself as much as you can and give yourself that validation.
As someone with previous bpd I totally get it.

OP, you can’t change your Mum’s attitudes, unfortunately. She is who she is, and she’s clearly not the person to turn to when you need support.

You have your husband and your son, I’d focus on them and maintain minimal contact with your Mum as she makes a fuss when you don’t
(which is just stress for you). I wouldn’t bother staying over with her again, it’s not worth it.

Some parents simply aren’t the way we want them to be ( my Dad isn’t) and as adults it’s best to accept it and move on or it just upsets us. 💐

There's no such thing as better off dead. Dead isn't better or worse, it's nonexistent. You wouldn't exist to feel any sense of relief or rest or anything. It would be like saying a sandwich that doesn't exist tastes better than a sandwich that does — meaningless, regardless of whether the real existing sandwich tastes amazing or terrible.

If you kill yourself you will never know that your suicide attempt worked. You will never know or care about what happens to the people you love, or how they feel about your death. You will be the same as you were before you came into existence — not "you but dead", but literally nothing at all.

It's more likely that if you tried, you would fail. That brings in a new world of shit (trust me) — possible forced treatment, questions about whether you're capable of work or of looking after your child, physical and mental consequences of the damage done, which can be severe and permanent, and a lot of emotional pain for you and for others too.

OP you have a son who has severe ASD and so is ND, you have a personality disorder which is often now classed as a type of neurodivergence and you may well have been genetically predisposed towards - so the chances are your mum is ND too.

Her empathy seems to be way off and her social skills sorely lacking. You need to accept that she is never going to be a wonderful support to you - she just doesn't have the capability, those skills are not available to her. She may also really struggle with having you back in her house if she has undiagnosed ASD because you will impact all her routines and upset her normality. Please try not to take what she says personally.

You need to think about what she is able to give you and not expect any more than that - otherwise you are going to be constantly disappointed. You also need to think about how much information you want to share with her - you are not obliged to tell her anything. You need to find other people for support that are able to give you what you need, it sounds like you have an incredible amount on your plate. I just think you need to take a bit of a step back from your mum, she may have no idea of her impact but you cannot allow her to ruin your self esteem. What happens if you tell her the effect she has on you?

This. Speaking as a caregiver of an adult child. It is incredibly exhausting.

Hello @CantBeTamed we're so sorry to read what you've been going through. Some of your fellow posters have got in touch to say they're worried about you and so we thought we'd post some links that might help.

Please take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources Mental Health webguide. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

You might also find some good support and advice on our Chronic Pain board. They've got a virtual 'support pub' running over there and are a lovely bunch.

We're going to move your thread to the Mental Health board now. Please take a look at the above links and we really do wish you the very best, OP.

OP, go for a walk - do something to distract yourself. You'll feel better for it. Your mum's said cruel things so of course you'll be upset. Go and clear your head - get out into nature, or at least people-watch from a bench whilst pretending to be on your phone!

just to give my DH a bit of a break

I really don’t understand this part.

A break from what?

Christ there are some nasty cruel fuckers on this thread.

Have they all missed the bit where the op says her mother mocks her weight and her hair? To say to your child that they may as well kill themselves is incredibly cruel, no matter what the circumstances.

Op your mother sounds as toxic as fuck. You are wasting your time looking for support from her. I wouldn't be surprised if your BPD has come from the child hood trauma she has doubtless subjected you to.

Please ignore the horrible posters on here and concentrate on the many giving good advice.

@Noteverybodylives The op feels she is sometimes a burden to her DH. Her previous posts have made that clear.

jesus christ some of these replies even worse seeing as its suicide prevention day

op start a new thread somewhere else

cross post thanks mnhq

Wow! I can't believe some of the replies on here
I'm so sorry that your mum and some posters on this thread have been so horrible @CantBeTamed

I wish you well

I wouldn't mock anyone's weight or hair but I would just say that no one realises how tough it is for caregivers until they have to do it themselves. There is a reason professionals are better equipped and sometimes caregivers lash out. Not a good thing to do but it happens.

@NeckFanInSoftPlay some people need a reality check so they can improve their lives the only person who can save her is herself. I spent years expecting others to fix me and make everything better the reality only you can do that for yourself. When you have multiple physical and mental health problems it significantly takes over your life with appointments, hospital stays and day to day care and you lose who you are as a person and you can easily fall into playing the sick victim role and its understandable that people closest to you will get fed up with you and they are well within their rights to set boundaries to. This isn't specifically aimed at op this is what I was like but now I very rarely talk about my health unless its significant, I never talk about aches and pains or medication unless its to my psychiatrist, cpn, g.p or one of my consultants as they are trained and paid to hear it. I also never post on social medial about my health or when im in hospital and my relationships with others have significantly improved. I have become me again and not just someone who is ill all the time. So no my comment wasn't to hurt op to the point she kills herself like you suggested it was to help her try and understand that iv been where she is and how things can improve but only she can do that.

Well said.

@CantBeTamed I understand I have Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, value issues and associated problems. I haven't even told my mum as she would make it all about her. I could do a massive post but am fairly private about this on public forums. If you want to I'm happy to chat via pm

Hi Lovely, I am so sorry to here everything you've been going through.
Unfortunately it seems a lot of people on here don't seem to understand the gravity of the illnesses you have or the physical and mental impact I have no doubt they have on you. I see you've said you also have an autistic son who is 3 and we all know even nt toddlers are tough to manage so I'm sure that must place such a massive amount on your shoulders also.
I can't help but wonder how your mum has acted towards you growing up. It doesn't sound like she has a lot of empathy for your situation, to the point shesounds abusive. Sometimes when we don't have outside perspective we think how our parents treat us is normal but this isn't always the case.
You've mentioned your husband wanted you to come back home, saying you aren't a burden so I wonder is it maybe your mum who has put that in your mind? Perhaps you could sit down with your husband and explain how you're feeling and ask him to be open about how he feels in this situation and what he needs, if anything, from the relationship. That way you can have an honest chat, that from the sounds of it will help you feel better.

I also think it might help to look up narcissistic mothers and how they act towards their children, especially children with medical issues. I know you've said you're mum is upset if you try to distance yourself but sometimes you have to put boundaries in place for your health regardless of how they make others feel.

I really wish I could give you a big hug and I just want you to know that you are loved, you will no doubt be the centre of your sons world and if you ever have any doubts about whether you should be here please remember how much he needs you.

It might be helpful to speak with the samaritans this evening if you're really struggling, sometimes they can even refer you for counselling or it might be helpful to speak with your gp to refer you for some help. If anything it sounds like there's probably years of a horrible mum to unpack never mind everything else!

I really hope things look up soon for you and please ignore some of the comments on here, some people have no empathy and no idea how illness can be devastating.

We have alot in common OP. I have BPD, PTSD, a chronic illness, a severely autistic 4yo and an emotionally unavailable mother.

If you ever want to talk, vent or whatever else then feel free to inbox me. I get it. I totally get it 💐

I've just gone back and read the rest of the posts and I'm disgusted at the way so many of you have ridiculed the OP.

OP - don't take any of that rubbish to heart. It reminds me of the pile ons that follow when a poster mentions being a step parent. BPD is hugely stigmatised and many people are still extremely critical of those who have, in most cases, been horribly abused in childhood.

People who have met one person with BPD who happened to be a bit of a dick, then tar the rest of us with the same brush.

Somebody with BPD is having a hard time = people accuse them of being manipulative, draining etc.

Disgusting. Just Disgusting.

OP.. I really do get it.

I don't make a habit of listing everything on SM but..

I have Ehlers Danlos, POTS, cardiomyopathy, left ventricular dysfunction and a leaking mitral valve, hypothyroidism, type 2 insulin resistant yet insulin controlled diabetes, gastroparesis and a bunch of other autonomic function issues, significant nerve damage that means I can't feel bits of me and other bits make me feel like ive tipped boiling water (or ice cold water) down my leg, or yell in pain, joint pain, b12 deficiency... both my shoulders (rotator cuffs) are knackered and now inoperable, gallstones (ditto inoperable)... severe obstructive sleep apnea (awaiting CPAP machine) and we might as well chuck in a mouthful of broken teeth whilst we're at it.

Life is pain, discomfort, and reliance on other people at this point. I can no longer do my own intimate care. I use a power wheelchair, I take a fist full of medication morning and night plus patches and injections on top.

I am scared every day that I will drop down dead, or worse, have an agonising and lengthy heart attack that will terrify the shit out of my OH and .. ill still die.

But... you CANNOT live like that, permanently terrified of what might happen.

If you do... then all the times it doesn't happen, you've missed out on lots of stuff you could have enjoyed.

All of us will die. That is a certainty, and none of us know if our last day on the planet will be today, tomorrow, next week, next year, 10 years from now... none of us.

We could ALL drop dead at any second.

But if that is our all consuming thought, then we won't ever LIVE will we? And frankly if we AREN'T living... well what is the bloody point?

Find other things to focus on - right now whilst posting I am also working (in fact I am copy writing and I am manning a customer support line for an app... and had to go do that in the middle of this post!), I also have FB to look at and a web based PC game to mess with...

So between all THAT.. I simply do not have TIME to think about the fact I could drop dead, I don't have time to moan about how my arse fucking hurts again and theres a pressure sore forming on my bumcrack and how I can't feel my left ankle and my right hip is about to slip again and my rib is doing stabby pains intermittently...

When all the distractions are gone in the evening, I use TV to distract and in and among all that I have the TENS machine on, massage thingy (I have a whole collection of massage thingies and heaty uppy thingies)...

I never EVER sit and just wallow in it, if I did, I would honestly end it, because it would be horrific.

You're not me - you need to find your own way through this, your own coping strategies and distractions. But you do have to live, rather than just exist!

I would rather drop dead whilst doing something (well I'd like it if id finished the thing first!), than drop dead whilst sat about thinking about the things I can't do.

I spent a lifetime battling to try to get my mother to be a mother. In the end, and this has only happened over the past year, I had to just grieve for the mother I never had and never will have (she's alive lol). It has been painful and I've cried so so much. It's not easy and I'm afraid a lot, but I'm not being rejected over and over and over again.

Your mother's job should be to comfort and support you. If you can't fucking comfort your own child (and I don't care how old your child is), then you're not a mother.

For all of you experts, with and without BPD, one of the more striking characteristics of the disorder is a fear of either abandonment or of rejection.

One point that was raised though among the posters who decided that now might be a good point to stick the boot in, was that dependence breeds further dependence. When I depend on others for my own life, I put my life in their hands. Nobody deserves that privilege. Your mother certainly doesn't.

I am strong and that's why people tried to break me. Break someone enough, you can control them. Your mother is probably sicker than you OP, so now is the time for you to cut her out of your life and get on with your life.

It's super insightful for you to realise this. I try and support my troubled dd and generally do it well, but it sometimes does get overwhelming and impacts on my mental health. Hard for loved ones as well as the struggling person

And even worse given that BPD is marked by self harm and suicide attempts. Who are these people who can be so fucking horrendously callous and cruel?

You're her mother. You signed up to the role.