My Mum said "You might as well just end it all now"

[CantBeTamed]

Hi,

I'll will try and make a long story short.

I'm 33 I have a myriad of health conditions, some I was born with and some I have acquired. Some are quite serious and potentially life threatening. This has caused me to develop CPTSD on top of the BPD I already have.

I am a very anxious person but always try my very best to "keep calm and carry on". Some days I have some very unpleasant symptoms that I think would push anyone to their limits as they are scary - for example - heart fluttering and all over numbness and tingling.

My Mum has very little sympathy. If I tell her I'm feeling unwell or start to panic she will roll her eyes and just tell me to calm down. I asked her if I could stay at hers for the night yesterday just to give my DH a bit of a break and she started rolling her eyes and sighing, saying "Ugh, do you have to".

This morning I've had to switch from an injectable blood thinner to an oral one which is a huge deal for me because the injectable medicine has become somewhat of a crutch. Without making a fuss I said I was a little nervous about switching as I opened the pill box and she said "Ugh, well I'm afraid you're just going to have to start doing what's best for you and start being more positive, think about the happiness of everyone around you, if you're not going to start being more positive about your health you might as well just end it all now."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I feel so alone and unsupported.

Your mother has had enough. Whether or not she is right to have had enough I can't say; but the fact is that you are an adult and married and it is not her job to keep looking after you. She has done her hard work and she wants a break. She is a person with needs too. Time to seek support elsewhere, or even better, learn to be your own support.

It is also entirely possible that your Mother is an uncaring rude arsehole AND... that you are relentlessly negative and are hard work to be around for some people. This is not necessarily an either or situation.

It IS extremely hard work to stop chronic health issues and disability becoming who you are - I do know this and understand, it is a big part of who I am, but I have to actively work hard to ensure thats not the whole story.

Absolutely 100% this. @WiddlinDiddlin wrote it perfectly.

It is hardwork to ensure that chronic health doesn't become who you are. But the hard work is worth it.

Wish I could write as well as WiddlinDiddlin xx

^ I agree with @WiddlinDiddlin.

And your post isnt as toxic as fuck then? Emotional blackmailing and abusive just because another human being cant cope with(possible) non stop complaining and mememe syndrome?

@forrestgreen me too with BC

A data analyst with "BPD", Ehlers-Danlos, a son with "severe autism", a hard time tolerating weird bodily sensations, and difficult relationships with family members who say tactless things.

FFS you're like the walking stereotype of the late-diagnosed female autistic adult. Get on the waiting list for assessment and find out if you're autistic.

I've lost count of the number of women I've known who've been medicated and therapised to fuck for "BPD", usually with a diagnosed autistic brother or son, who just needed to be told why they have such a hard time with things people think are easy, and to be given actually relevant info and coping strategies.

can people read she takes the piss out of op having alopecia and her weight

you need to distance yourself from her shes supposed to be there for you but shes not

Are you trying to push OP to kill herself???? Good lord! Telling someone who's mentally ill that people with mental health issues are draining? Appalling behaviour

I feel for you. I'm living with chronic ill health and today I've not been able to do very much at all.
Is there a group you could join locally? There's an org in Glasgow for disabled people- they do fun courses, friendship groups, activism etc. I think it would be good to widen your social circle and spend time with people who can relate to what you are going through. Connection is very important to your wellbeing.
And do not say another word or ask for another thing from your Mum. Brene Brown talks about not showing our vulnerabilities to people who aren't safe, might be worth checking out her TED talks or books
I wish you the very best. People who are healthy have no concept how difficult every day life can be living in pain. I meditate, do yoga when I can move, journal, pray, name what I am grateful for- I have to do these things proactively so I don't fall into a pit of despair. I have a lot to be thankful for too!
Xxx

I’m sorry your going through this, she sounds like my mum actually. Just put out weird interest, why does she keep saying ‘ugh’ too you? It’s horrible

I can't believe how horrible some people have been to me. I am sat alone in my bathroom sobbing. I'm trying my best. I think I would be better off dead.

I don't have mememe syndrome. I am frightened I'm going to die

You are certainly NOT better off dead. I’m a mental health nurse. If you ever want to talk please pm me. Please do not think you are better off dead. To the people making her feel like this, you’re all vile

I think some people have been cruel here. OP has such a lot she's dealing with. I can see how difficult it must be to support someone with many illnesses and mental health problems but we could have been kinder here. It's not like OP has chosen this.

I had a health condition for a very long time (and have an ongoing MH condition). However, I generally gave/give myself a metaphorical kick and didn't/don't inflict it on the people around me too. I'm afraid I'm with your mum here, OP.

Please don't listen to some of the horrible posters on here op. They're just plain nasty.
I have no useful advice but please know you are not a burden and are a valuable and worthwhile person especially to your DH and son.

It's a horrible thing to say but I can only imagine she is having difficulty dealing with your illnessess and this is her way of showing it. Perhaps she genuinely thinks she is being helpful, or perhaps she is feeling triggered by it. You will only really know by having an honest discussion with her of you feel you can. It's not an excuse but people of a certain age expect an unhealthy level of stoicism and can be truly shit at anything mental health related!

Sorry, OP - you have my sympathy, but those swathes of depressive conditions can make the victim (understandably) quite self-absorbed. It's tough on those around them. Maybe count the number of times you comment, indirectly or directly, about one of your conditions to explore how wearing it might be on those around you?

No you aren't better off dead. But to ask your mother to be a support to your mh is wrong. To complain that she doesn't help is very wrong. You need to look elsewhere. Its not your mothers fault she can't help you. There's a reason those in mh positions are well trained.

You are very inward looking atm. I get it. I really do. But seek help from those who have trained.

OP your mum sounds incredibly toxic whether she is struggling or not! BPD/c-PTSD can often be linked with childhood trauma inflicted by parents - was she like this with you growing up as well?
You mentioned you have a son. Do you need any help caring for him due to your health? That must be difficult. Does your mum play any role in his care at all?

There are always plenty of people lurking on AIBU just waiting to lay in to anyone posting. AIBU is not the place for issues where you are vulnerable. Report your post and ask for it to be moved to a Relationships or wherever you feel is appropriate.

Please try to blank out anything nasty and undermining said here - they are people who thrive on kicking others when they are down.

Your mother is clearly the reason for your BPD. How invalidating! The only advice I can give is that I just think of these people who can’t support others as emotionally Ill equipt. She can’t help having no tools for empathy and no tolerance of stress anymore than you call help your illnesses.
don’t take anything personally from her. You wouldn’t expect a newborn to say hello to you because they physically can’t. In all your interactions with her bare that in mind.

sorry you are going through this xxxx

OP it's hard to take this out of context. It's very draining and hard trying to support someone who is constantly negative and who has poor mental health, and that can cause secondary depression in other family members. Maybe she is struggling to cope with it as every conversation takes a very negative turn which is very wearing. That's fair. It's not your fault, it's a medical condition, but she's only human. It's hard to deal with.

However if she's very mean and this is the thousandth nasty comment about anything and everything then you have my sympathy!