My Mum said "You might as well just end it all now"

[CantBeTamed]

Hi,

I'll will try and make a long story short.

I'm 33 I have a myriad of health conditions, some I was born with and some I have acquired. Some are quite serious and potentially life threatening. This has caused me to develop CPTSD on top of the BPD I already have.

I am a very anxious person but always try my very best to "keep calm and carry on". Some days I have some very unpleasant symptoms that I think would push anyone to their limits as they are scary - for example - heart fluttering and all over numbness and tingling.

My Mum has very little sympathy. If I tell her I'm feeling unwell or start to panic she will roll her eyes and just tell me to calm down. I asked her if I could stay at hers for the night yesterday just to give my DH a bit of a break and she started rolling her eyes and sighing, saying "Ugh, do you have to".

This morning I've had to switch from an injectable blood thinner to an oral one which is a huge deal for me because the injectable medicine has become somewhat of a crutch. Without making a fuss I said I was a little nervous about switching as I opened the pill box and she said "Ugh, well I'm afraid you're just going to have to start doing what's best for you and start being more positive, think about the happiness of everyone around you, if you're not going to start being more positive about your health you might as well just end it all now."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I feel so alone and unsupported.

@Elieza I couldn't try any harder to get help than what I'm already trying now. I've even reached out to adult social services to get carers, which is starred soon. I am trying really hard.

Your mother is a vile old cunt.

I'm sorry, OP.

Oh sweetie. I know exactly where you’re coming from. People have a limited amount of sympathy for chronic illness. I don’t think YABU at all though I see both sides. Sometimes you just have to brush off hurtful comments that are made in the heat of the moment.

I'm very sorry that you're feeling like this 💐.

Has your mum always been like this or is it a relatively new thing?

Unfortunately people do have limited emotional resources and supporting friends and family who are struggling long-term can be draining and sap those resources, especially when there is no end in sight. However, you have said that you are seeking help and support, which is incredibly positive and which your mum should recognise.

What is your mum's situation? Does she have a lot on her plate? Is her job stressful? I'm asking this because quite often, when we are struggling, we forget or overlook that others may be having difficulty too because there is no space to look beyond ourselves. And that becomes incredibly tiring for the person who is being asked to provide one-way support when they're just managing to keep their head above water themselves.

@Goldbar It's not a new thing. She has been more unkind lately though. I have alopecia and she keeps making fun of the bit of hair I do have. I have gained quite a lot of weight over the last year and she tells me and everyone else around me/her about it. She tells me how fat my stomach and face looks daily. She believes 99% of my problems are psychological even though she's heard from the mouths of professionals that they are not.

I don’t really understand why you went ahead and stayed with her when she rolled her eyes at you and said, “do you have to?”

Listen to your husband!

@Testina Because I feel guilty for being poorly.

Cross posted. I think you really need to examine why you went to her to give your husband a break. She’s awful. Does your husband have to do physical care? Is that why you wanted to give him a break? (ignore and accept my apologies if that’s too personal a question!)

She sounds awful and toxic and you might feel better if you distanced yourself. She actually sounds like part of the problem.

Agree with this. It’s shit to have chronic illnesses. But some people make their illness their entire life and identity and talk of nothing else. I would also add that it is very, very draining to be around someone who is a) so focused on their own problems that they have no room in their head or conversation for anyone else and/or b) frequently panicking, obsessing and needing reassurance. You say yourself that you are a very anxious person and that your symptoms send you into a panic, and that your DH needs a break from you sometimes. And yes, I do think that “I’m hoping this new medication will be helpful, fingers crossed I’ll see an improvement” is a much healthier and more useful approach than “I am worried this new medication will be bad”. So I can see your mum’s point of view. She shouldn’t have used those words but she clearly didn’t mean it literally.

@Testina Because I do understand what people are saying about negative energy and I don't want him to feel stressed and she's the only other person I have. But no, he does care for me physically, I do that myself.

So sorry you're going through this OP. My DD is a young teen and has MH issues and yes it's draining, but we do our best for her, push school who seem to think she can just pull her socks up and get on with it (needless to say I've not sent her to school since February when this all came out!)
Yes it's exhausting but your nearest and dearest need to support you and each other to help get you through what you need. Yea you need therapy, and you need to embrace it and add these skills they'll teach you into every day life, but you need the support of your family too to help you get yourself into the most positive pathway you can to move onwards.
In sone ways the medical issues are just taking the drugs etc that you need, the MH stuff is harder as it's hidden beneath our surface and invisible in many ways.
Good luck and perhaps ask your DH to help to get your family into a more positive framework to help you

I suffer from anxiety and I suspect ADHD (with compulsive speech).

I annoy myself sometimes, let alone anyone else.

OP your DM was mean saying what she did, but it sounds like she was frustrated with your over-thinking out loud.

If you feel like this is something you need to talk through with your DM, then apologise for putting your anxieties onto her so often, but say that you found that specific comment she made very upsetting.

Then I think you need to look at how he can a break from you without involving her.
Firstly, trust him - if he says, “don’t go to your mum” - then don’t!
Encourage his outside interests - let the time away from you be his positive benefit not you leaving.
Take a quiet evening watching Netflix in another room.
Use a support group to pour out your worries sometimes instead of turning to him.

There has to be better ways than exposing yourself to someone nasty.

That's horrific. Your mum is no good for you. In your position I wouldn't see her again.
this^
People are talking about reasons and context but it doesn’t matter in reality why she’s so cruel. She is just this person unfortunately she’s got a child who needs more support whereas she is not able to any empathy and support. It’s not your fault. Tell her next time that your poor health is her fault because you’ve got your genes from her and some of the issues are result of your upbringing. See how she likes it then.
And don’t go to her again, nothing wrong with “keeping her in the dark” if she asks be short and factual. Is there any chance of joining any FB group or local real group for people with similar health issues?
Some posters clearly don’t get how difficult it is when you’ve got lots of issues and only one person to talk to, it’s too much for that person so I fully understand why you’ve wanted to give your DH a little break and get some support from your mum. Who else, if not she?

@custardbear You sound like a good Mum 💜. I do understand how hard it can be to care for someone, I have a three year old severely autistic son and its hard but I can't imagine telling him some of the things she tells me. She's constantly telling me how hard work I am, she says it to me in front of other people too which is uncomfortable for me and for the other person in the conversation. I already feel like a burden without her constantly telling me I am!

I'm really sorry that your mum responded in this way, it was very brutal in the delivery. It must have been incedibly upsetting for you.

But this is definitely compassion fatigue. One of the greatest design flaws of humans is that it's extraordinarily draining listening to people drip feed about mental or chronic illness. It leaves the "supporting" person thinking "What do you want me to do about this? Why are you talking about this again?" It leave this person feeling that their only role in life is to passively absorb a stream of consciousness of complaints and it creates massive resentment.

Also chronic illnesses by their nature make people very self-absorbed and there's a limit to how much you can listen to someone describing symptoms all day.

I'm being deliberately brutal here because I know it isn't fair but I just want you understand how she experiences it.

I think the only real solution is for you to try to limit yourself, as far as you can, to talking only to professional "listeners" about this. You have a right to be supported by your family and they should certainly be more tactful and considerate. But I think you do need to go the extra mile in trying to think about how this lands with other people.

@Thepeopleversuswork I do understand what you're saying but if I don't go to her she will accuse me of keeping her in the dark. She will say things like "You only want me when it suits". I literally can't win.

Wow. That is so cold

Was she like this when you was a child? If so I'm not surprised you have BPD. Emotionally abusive/unavailable parents are a feature in the vast majority of people with BPD' histories.

I wouldn't dream of saying that to my children. I'm so sorry OP.

She sounds like she's not great for your mental health.

I would work out an amount of contact that you're comfortable with that keeps her happy, ideally over the phone not in person... a chat twice a week, where you only tell her relevant facts about your health if necessary and you are sure to ask her about her, what she's doing etc and talk about other things. No emotion, no drama.

See if that shuts her up and gives you space.

What you're experiencing health wise is... well its shit, theres no two ways about it.

But it has to be said... focusing on other things, getting on with it, having a positive mental attitude and trying bloody hard NOT to moan and whinge or dump the whole lot on others or fish for sympathy, is the way forward.

Try to avoid making your illness/conditions the entirety of who YOU are.. even though it feels like thats the case.

Nothing drives people away faster than those who are negative and emotionally draining to be around - it's not fair, but that is the truth.

I actively police myself on social media where people actually know me, so that I don't have a big blarty rant and grump more than a couple of times a year, and I do try to post positive content.

In person, if people ask me how I am, I will use humour first and ask if they want the long version or the short version (and that I wont be offended if they want the short version).

I make sure to ask how they are and listen.

It isn't easy, its no good pretending that it is - but if you sit there stressing and worrying and focusing on how shit things are, there will be no let up from that.

Exactly right. Just be with people who add value to your life. I know it’s a struggle with chronic illness,and your mother doesn’t want to know apparently. So, take things a day at a time, and be good to yourself. Sending hugs 🤗

Your mother is not your therapist, she is allowed to say she's had enough. It doesn't make her uncaring or not loving you. Some people can't cope with Illness, their own or others. Maybe she even feels guilty if some of it is genetic?

I do get it. I've been ill for 30 years and some weeks I am literally bedbound. Most of the time I'm housebound. I try not to burden my family by talking about it (too much) but I do have code words so they know when I'm really bad with either pain or exhaustion. Then they step up...but they wouldn't if I moaned every day.

Go find a self help group that meets in real life, or Facebook etc. They will understand you more anyway.

I can't believe people aren't more shocked at a mother more or less saying oh well if you don't pull your socks up you might as well kill yourself.

As others have said, BPD is often linked to traumatic and abusive childhoods.

Your later posy about how she makes fun of your weight and hair loss, health related, show she isn't compassion fatigued. She doesn't have any compassion.

Who would mock their adult child like that . Its cruel.

All this plus your health issues will impact your mental health and could make you feel you are a burden and better off dead. You aren't.

But her words are saying I don't care, she says you are exaggerating and cruelty mocks and then says you might as well end it.

For many this could be the tipping point.

There are no excuses whatever for mocking you and saying that. None.
If she feels she is a carer, she can access local carers groups and deal with how she feels.

Please keep away from her.

I know you are waiting for support, but look online for charities that cover your health issues. They often have phone lines and other types of support.
Look at what there is locally. MIND or other mental health charities. Look on your council website at what charities and voluntary sector groups there might be that could be a support, doesn't need to be your specific illness.

Look for online groups where you can get support from others with the same conditions.

Often the charities have groups or online support.

Look elsewhere for support than your cruel mother.

By the way this is national suicide prevention day. Lets start by being aware of the power of words like the mothers .

I think your mother is the cause of your BPD, OP. You should go over to the Stately Home thread.

You are not a burden, she is your burden.