My Mum said "You might as well just end it all now"

[CantBeTamed]

Hi,

I'll will try and make a long story short.

I'm 33 I have a myriad of health conditions, some I was born with and some I have acquired. Some are quite serious and potentially life threatening. This has caused me to develop CPTSD on top of the BPD I already have.

I am a very anxious person but always try my very best to "keep calm and carry on". Some days I have some very unpleasant symptoms that I think would push anyone to their limits as they are scary - for example - heart fluttering and all over numbness and tingling.

My Mum has very little sympathy. If I tell her I'm feeling unwell or start to panic she will roll her eyes and just tell me to calm down. I asked her if I could stay at hers for the night yesterday just to give my DH a bit of a break and she started rolling her eyes and sighing, saying "Ugh, do you have to".

This morning I've had to switch from an injectable blood thinner to an oral one which is a huge deal for me because the injectable medicine has become somewhat of a crutch. Without making a fuss I said I was a little nervous about switching as I opened the pill box and she said "Ugh, well I'm afraid you're just going to have to start doing what's best for you and start being more positive, think about the happiness of everyone around you, if you're not going to start being more positive about your health you might as well just end it all now."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I feel so alone and unsupported.

How are your dc?

You're not playing the victim surely? That gets tedious.

Ignoring you now. Knock yourself out

You're on a thread with a woman who already feels like she's a burden, telling her that she is in fact a burden? I'm not the horrible one here.

I’m sorry your mum treated you like that. It must be very hard having to deal with so many health issues. It’s hard for you experiencing side effects and pain, it is also however hard when you are the sounding board for someone with multiple health issues. My friend has health issues and her DD has recently been diagnosed with autism. Everything revolves around their family, I didn’t realise how bad it had gotten until my DD broke down crying. She told me that my friends DD would tell her she was a bad friend unless she did what she wanted - because she was autistic. Then my friend would tell me I had no clue how bad everything was in her life and gradually I felt totally drained. Also guilty that DD was involved. You should be able to talk and offload but you also need to be aware that it can be a lot for those listening if it’s all the time.

Probably the ones who suffer life changing illnesses themselves so have a certain perspective. Same as adult carers. The only ones spouting how horrible some posters are, are the ones who don't say they are an adult carer or that they have debilitating medical conditions. Funny that.

Spot on Pixiedust

There are support threads for carers. Kicking a poster when she's down is not a good look. Nor it this.

Again. Those with debilitating medical conditions have offered a unique view to help the op. What have you offered? Instead of bashing those who try to help, and therefore effectively stopping others from trying to help, you are shutting down her help thread. Well done! 👏

The raging, confrontational attitude and projection are hugely counterproductive too - I am sure everyone on this thread is trying to help the OP.

If your health issues have been long term then it is possible your mum has compassion fatigue. Compassion fatigue is a real issue for those who know, are related to or are caring for those with long term health issues. She is only human the same as you. While what she said was awful, people are human and flawed so expecting them to be compassionate all the time, as and when you need it, is an unrealistic expectation...unless they're a saint. I haven't met any of those myself. Having had congenital health issues which have only worsened over the years I have learned that people can be compassionate and caring most of the time but eventually everyone snaps due to fatigue or stressors in their own life.

I am sure everyone on this thread is trying to help the OP.

That's not what I've read. There are some really nasty posts on this thread.

Living with chronic illness is so debilitating. Supporting and/or caring for someone with chronic illness can also be debilitating. However, supporting and/or caring for someone does not give the right to suggest the (cared for) person kills themselves, nor does it afford the right to take the piss about their alopecia or weight. Anyone who does that, stoops to THAT level, is toxic. More shocking that it's the OP's mother is engaging in such spiteful behaviour.

OP, it was mentioned on the first page that your mother is a nasty cunt. In view of what you've posted, I would agree with this.

I sincerely hope that you are able to either work on defining and applying some boundaries with your mother. It would be helpful to you for you to lower your expectations of her too - as in, expect nothing! Also consider low/no contact.

🌻

I am absolutely horrified by some of the posts to this OP. Horrified. This thread is populated with utterly spiteful cunts.

I'm also horrified. It's never ok to say what has been said to her.

I don't think that was OP's mother telling her to go kill herself, it was a cry of frustration at negativity.

My own mother said it to me once, and she had a point - I was so inward looking and focused on the (perfectly understandable) negatives. I needed to give my head a wobble and notice the good things in life that existed alongside the bad.

Well yes. It is hard to explain to anyone that is not a carer for a person with a chronic illness. So I don't try.

Either way, the OP should distance herself from her mother and find other, preferably professional, support.

@CantBeTamed

How are you doing today?

What your Mum said was truly horrible. I think you really need to try to disengage from her. So what if she accuses you of keeping her in the dark? Just say to her that you don't have to tell her everything & what's the point because she says nasty shit to you.

your DH sounds nice from what you've said. I think you're better off trusting what he says! As you do all your own personal care, encourage him to spend time with friend/clubs etc. whatever he feels 'gives him a break'. Discuss what you both need to do if he feels everything is getting a bit much!

stop going to your mother for support.breaks. She's causing more problems than she's solving!!

come here to have a moan/feel heard/feel like you're not alone!!

can you imagine ever saying to your DS, what she says to you??

put yourself first, stop allowing her to beat you down

On any issue re adult carer and their adult child - it is not going to be black and white.

The mother ran out of patience and said something very nasty
The OP seems to want to be defined by her illnesses and that must get tiring

one question is whether your 3 year old son was planned?

@InsertPunHere what do you make of the mother mocking her weight and alopecia? Do you think she didn’t mean that either?

I think they don’t have a healthy relationship.

Probably the ones who suffer life changing illnesses themselves so have a certain perspective. Same as adult carers. The only ones spouting how horrible some posters are, are the ones who don't say they are an adult carer or that they have debilitating medical conditions. Funny that.

@Pixiedust1234 I have a debilitating, permanent condition myself and am a carer for my mother. I'm not perfect nor a saint, but I'm disgusted by some of the things pps have said to the OP and consider them inexcusable. HTH.

^^ first para should have been bolded as quote, obviously