My Mum said "You might as well just end it all now"

[CantBeTamed]

Hi,

I'll will try and make a long story short.

I'm 33 I have a myriad of health conditions, some I was born with and some I have acquired. Some are quite serious and potentially life threatening. This has caused me to develop CPTSD on top of the BPD I already have.

I am a very anxious person but always try my very best to "keep calm and carry on". Some days I have some very unpleasant symptoms that I think would push anyone to their limits as they are scary - for example - heart fluttering and all over numbness and tingling.

My Mum has very little sympathy. If I tell her I'm feeling unwell or start to panic she will roll her eyes and just tell me to calm down. I asked her if I could stay at hers for the night yesterday just to give my DH a bit of a break and she started rolling her eyes and sighing, saying "Ugh, do you have to".

This morning I've had to switch from an injectable blood thinner to an oral one which is a huge deal for me because the injectable medicine has become somewhat of a crutch. Without making a fuss I said I was a little nervous about switching as I opened the pill box and she said "Ugh, well I'm afraid you're just going to have to start doing what's best for you and start being more positive, think about the happiness of everyone around you, if you're not going to start being more positive about your health you might as well just end it all now."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I feel so alone and unsupported.

Do you have POTs it’s an autonomic nervous system disorder and one of the symptoms is anxiety

How often do you talk about yourself in terms of your illness? There’s more to you than your physical symptoms - so if your main topic of conversation is your conditions, medications, how you’re feeling, etc, then I can see why people find that difficult. Compassion fatigue is a real thing.

Your mum sounds incredibly uncaring so it’s no wonder you are anxious.

I was mis-diagnosed with BPD but actually have ADHD, talking a stimulant daily has done wonders for my anxiety levels as it helps to regulate my emotions. It doesn’t sound like you are getting the right help for your MH.

We know understand my mum has unmediated ADHD which is why she’s always been such as emotional mess.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's the sort of phrasing my family would use, without in any way meaning it literally.

i think your mum is saying very clearly that she doesn’t want to support you with your health issues.

Can you love her if she doesn’t?

I think what your mum was saying was a variation on the line "get busy living or get busy dying".

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog No, all of my care is out of area.

@Doingprettywellthanks Yes I'm under The Royal Brompton Hospital.

@Doingprettywellthanks I have a congenital narrow airway, dilated cardiomyopathy, chronic pulmonary embolisms, autonomic dysfunction, ehlers danlos and scoliosis.

@YelloCar If I'm in a bad flare or she asks I will talk about how I'm feeling.

YANBU

It's horrific that your mother would say that to you. Some parents are shit. No mother should say that to their child. Anyone who says that has no idea of the impact a loss through suicide has. The fact she said that to you shows she isn't the parent you need or deserve, but that is not your fault....She is probably parenting in the way she was parented too, so there will probably be shit in her past that she is repeating.

Take care xx

@SPSM No, I'm probably not but it's not from lack of trying to get it.

Perhaps you need to get your mother in front of your consultant for her to explain to your mother what all this means say to say. To refresh her memory!

Do you work op?

@Doingprettywellthanks I have a part time job as a data analyst.

@Horcruxe My behaviour?? You mean my being unwell??

How does your dh fare? Does he work or your carer?

,@Doingprettywellthanks He works full time. He doesn't do anything physical for me.

This may seem harsh but I suspect Op that your “myriad of health conditions” define you.

Is there anything in life that brings you joy that when you engage with people you can talk about that? Rather than how your health issues have been that week?

Probably your relentless negativity. Which I'm pretty sure is what she's referring to when she says you need to be more positive.

While what she said was uncaring and she definitely should have said something more tactful, she has a chronically ill daughter who also suffers from anxiety. I can see how compassion fatigue might cause her to be snippy.

Then think about why he would even need a break from you.

You sound perfectly independent to spend time apart - even if that’s one night a week that you watch a film in your bedroom and one night a week he goes to a book club.

Either de-condition yourself from thinking you’re a negative energy burden (thanks, mum 😉) or recognise the things you do that create that negative energy, and work on those.

My sister has complicated and interlinked physical and mental health issues, and honesty - sometimes it would help if she counted to 10 and thought:

• have I said anything to this person today that is about them
• have I said anything to this person today that is about me but not related to my health

If you’re thinking, “but I’m not like your sister!” then stop thinking that you’re a negative energy burden!

I think a major factor in the root of your problems is your mother.

To call her unkind is an understatement.

I hope your therapist can help you navigate around or away from her.

My mum has never once asked how I am, so I do sympathise with you. I've learned to keep myself to myself and not tell my family anything as they can never be positive or even remotely helpful. I've grown a very thick skin. Glad you will be accessing therapy. I wish I had done that years ago. No words of help here but a virtual hand hold and well wishes for you 💐

I have MS and I go to weekly support groups to help. I find it helps my mental health being with like minded people.

There are some people in the group who don't have much going on at home and it's obvious that all they talk about first and foremost is their health. It is SO draining. They suck all the joy out of every conversation and every situation.

I'm sorry OP but if your DH needs a break from you, then maybe you are "too much" and too dramatic for everyone around you.

Disability is awful. I get it. But it is boring too....

Hi Op, I too live with chronic illness but can thankfully still work and do my best to live as normal a life as possible. I am very thankful to the NHS for their treatment, which undoubtedly saved my life and my autoimmune illness is in remission.

Two things stood out in your post - you said you feel lonely and unsupported . Can you explain that in more detail and how your mother, for example, could support you with this?

loneliness, in particular, is tricky for others to resolve but it is something you can control by looking at widening your network, for example. If you are unable to go out, there are friendships which can be safely formed online.

I have always said that a positive mental attitude saved my life, I observe this in others who face chronic and critical illness who have far better outcomes than others.

There is a lot to unpick, and therapy would be a helpful in your situation

Your mum sounds toxic. She needs a gentle reminder that she isn't getting any younger and that one day SHE could be the one with deteriorating health issues and in need of a little bit of sympathy and understanding herself.