My Mum said "You might as well just end it all now"

[CantBeTamed]

Hi,

I'll will try and make a long story short.

I'm 33 I have a myriad of health conditions, some I was born with and some I have acquired. Some are quite serious and potentially life threatening. This has caused me to develop CPTSD on top of the BPD I already have.

I am a very anxious person but always try my very best to "keep calm and carry on". Some days I have some very unpleasant symptoms that I think would push anyone to their limits as they are scary - for example - heart fluttering and all over numbness and tingling.

My Mum has very little sympathy. If I tell her I'm feeling unwell or start to panic she will roll her eyes and just tell me to calm down. I asked her if I could stay at hers for the night yesterday just to give my DH a bit of a break and she started rolling her eyes and sighing, saying "Ugh, do you have to".

This morning I've had to switch from an injectable blood thinner to an oral one which is a huge deal for me because the injectable medicine has become somewhat of a crutch. Without making a fuss I said I was a little nervous about switching as I opened the pill box and she said "Ugh, well I'm afraid you're just going to have to start doing what's best for you and start being more positive, think about the happiness of everyone around you, if you're not going to start being more positive about your health you might as well just end it all now."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I feel so alone and unsupported.

Sorry to hear this OP, this sounds so hard.

there’s probably some people who may be able to give more MH focused advice on the MH board. How’s your mum’s mental health in general?

I'm not sure I'm going to be much help here but I'll reply anyway.

Your dm was obviously completely out of order with what she said.

I have a question, why would your dh need a break from you? Do you think you (can't think of a nice word, sorry..) dramatise what's happening?

I have a chronic blood cancer and have been through various treatments and try to stay positive about the situation. When things set me back, I do have a moan but then just crack on.

Do you think you may be in a negative (understandable) mindset and it's affecting your nearest and dearest.

She shouldn't have said that and I'm sorry she did.

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Is it possible that this takes a lot of space in conversations and your DM feels a little like everything is about you?

Being ill is no fun and it's very easy to fall into the trap of having a very small world and therefore talking about only you and your experiences a lot which can grate on others.

She shouldn't have said that particular phrase however do you ever express Amy positivity or focus on stuff other than your health conditions? It can get frustrating for relatives of those with various illnesess to tolerate years of daily negativity even if its fair enough due to what you're going through. Maybe try and focus on your good days and good things in general for a bit and keep your thoughts about negative things to yourself for a bit (or find someone more understanding to vent to for a while) and see if that improves your relationship with your mum.

I seldom post, but was browsing and saw yours and that there's been little time for anyone to reply yet, so just wanted to post to say, as you wait for more dedicated MN-etters(!), that at least one random person out in t'internet ether is thinking of you and sending you positive vibes this very minute. Your mum's response sounds very unusual. I'm reluctant to say more, as there's clearly a wealth of context I don't know of or understand here, but maybe you could look into professional support if you're not already receiving it - it can make a world of difference - and, in the meantime, please do look after yourself. Things will get easier.

This is said from a kind place so please read into it positively.
I'm autistic and sometimes, if I'm honest, both my husband and my mum get sick to death of me. They get fed up of supporting me and sometimes my quirks are frustrating and annoying.
Sometimes it causes them to say things they don't necessarily mean.
Maybe you and your mum have some healing to do and she needs a bit of a break from supporting you for a while. When I become to much I double my efforts to sort myself out independently and to keep some of my emotional angst to myself.
It's a sad reality but the people around us can only take so much

Sorry you feel unsupported. Do you have friends you can speak to? Maybe distance yourself from your mum for a bit and don't mention your health if she's going to be like that. I find friends can be better to talk to.

BPD is usually (not always) as a result of childhood abuse. Unfortunately, you need to find comfort in people other than your parents. For whatever reason, they have hurt you and you will never get them to change. Much love to you.

Go back to your husband. Stop clinging onto hope that your mother will change. She won't. Take it from me.

I am so sorry that your Mum said that to you. I had a condition that made my heart race. It's the scariest feeling in the world and you have my sympathy. Sometimes my partner has been less than supportive. It's not as if you want to have the condition is it?

That's horrific. Your mum is no good for you. In your position I wouldn't see her again.

You can't re-write history. Your mother is less than caring to put it mildly. Focus on being around people who do in fact care about you and love you. You will never get what you want from your mother. Stop trying to as it will destroy you. You have a partner and he loves you. Don't waste your time trying to get someone to be who they never were. Your mother never was a mother to you, nor will she ever be.

That sucks she said that.

I had a relative like that. Basically was fed up hearing about my health issues.

I felt like saying if you’re fed up hearing think about how I feel as I’m living with this shit on a daily basis.

It could be for a number of reasons. Such as:

1. She wants everything to be about her.
2. She feels guilty for not being a better parent and your illness reminds her how helpless she is to fix it. Again, all about her.
3. She can’t handle things just now as she’s going through her own shit and she’s at breaking point.
4. She’s fed up with you not seeking professional help (if she’s suggested it before and thinks you’re not trying hard enough and knows help is available and you deliberately don’t take it and need to man/woman up more)

whatever the reason, im sorry she said that to you and I hope you manage to get through this ok. It’s scary and horrible when your body does stuff you can’t control. I get it as I’ve lived it. But some haven’t and are incapable of imagining it.

Obviously your mum shouldn’t have said that but is there any truth in what she said about you never being positive? I don’t know what your conditions are but I’ve also got BPD and a chronic illness and the two things you mentioned (tingling and palpitations and changing from an injectable to an oral medication) don’t really sound that big a deal. I know I was awful to be around at times when my BPD was untreated. If you’ve never had any support from your mum though maybe it’s time to spend less time with her and with people who do care about you.

This

I have a friend of a friend and, whilst I'm sympathetic, her whole world revolves around the illnesses and it gets very draining very, very quickly. To be honest, I avoid her when I can as I find such negativity affects me too much. We all need to protect ourselves and your mum perhaps had that moment.

I'm sorry you have a tough time, but you need to look at how you communicate with loved ones.

I felt like saying if you’re fed up hearing think about how I feel as I’m living with this shit on a daily basis

Fair enough, but you also need to understand that many people won't want to hear about it all the time. It's really, really draining. Giving sympathy 100% of the time you're with someone is not a relationship.

@TedMullins I do struggle to be positive because I physically feel so unwell all of the time. When I say tingling, I mean whole body numbness that feels like you're going to pass out. I have heart failure, dilated cardiomyopathy, chronic pulmonary embolisms and autonomic dysfunction. I can barely walk. I know that a medicine change isn't a big deal for some people but for me it is.

@ChestnutGrove I don't really have anyone else other than my DH.

@Whoareyoumyfriend I do understand what you're saying but if I try and keep her at a distance she complains that I'm keeping her in the dark!

You sound just like me apart from I know how irritating I am. You need to realise how draining it can be to be around people with mental illness. Cut your mum some slack, she's not a trained professional she's your mum, she won't always say exactly the right thing and will sometimes get exhausted of dealing with you, the fact she's stays in your life shows she cares and she's trying.

Do you/dh/dm work? Does a lot of life revolve on caring for you? It does sound dreadfully uncaring but there is such a thing as compassion fatigue when a carer is broken by their role. What level of care do you need? Why can't your dh just have a night at/with friends? Can you not be left on your own unsupervised?

I doubt it’s a shock to you that your mum is like this. So why did you choose to go to her? Why does your husband need a break from you?

She wasn’t actually suggesting you top yourself. She said “ you might as well” in the context that you seem to not being able to appreciate life.

She didn’t actually want you at hers for whatever reason but she obviously has let you stay. I think that shows she does care and you have a husband.

Being alone is fine ( if your disabilities allow it). I think you need to find things to empower you that don’t need other people. Getting fitter, writing a book, painting anything. Not just get a hobby but find something else in your life aside from just illness.

This a brave and realistic post.

It sounds like your mum has had enough. It is fine for her to tell you her boundaries, but it was an awful thing to say. Has she tried to tell you she doesn't want to hear about it in gentler ways before?

Accept this is a boundary she has set, don't speak about your health around her unless she asks and then keep it short and factual.

I'm sorry you feel unsupported, you do need support and your mum is not able to carry that role. Sounds like your DH has reached a limit too if he needs a break.

In the absence of anyone else you'll need to look for professional support, can GP refer you for counselling or can you pay? Group therapy can be very affordable (often near free) and gives you a chance to be heard whilst also hearing other people's issues and realising you are not alone.

Also worthwhile seeing how you can improve your ability to support yourself. Presumably saying how anxious you are feeling doesn't make you feel better so something like CBT through a book or online course might help?

@DoodlePug I have been referred for therapy, I'm just waiting for it to start.

@Testina He didn't say he needed one, he said I should come home, I just feel like a burden.

@MichelleScarn My Mum and DH work full time. Both of them have friends and go out regularly with them.