Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

If you can find an outside therapist then I would give that a try. Cahms can take forever to get back to you and sadly because they are so overwhelmed with requests to help, they often only respond to those in severe crisis.

My dc had school counselling and it wasn't helpful, partly because they are closely linked to the school and have to inform the teachers of any safeguarding concerns (this is of course important) but the result was that my dc did not feel safe telling them anything. We now have one outside and I feel we are slowly making progress. I regret wasting time with the school one.

@Runnerduck34 yep we all recognise that up and down cycle.

Hoping everyone's child has a good day today.

What other SEN support the school could provide depends on what DD is struggling with. Some examples: allowing use of noise cancelling headphones, key worker/mentor, arriving/leaving 5/10 mins early/late, moving between lessons 5 mins early, emotional literacy support, friendship support, use of laptop and other assistive tech, advance notice of changes/lesson content, thinking about placement within classrooms, movement breaks to try to reduce the number of times DD reaches the stage of being overwhelmed…

@yyearofthebuttercup
So to add to all the good advice above.
Meds really helped by DDs who both were prescribed meds in their mid teens.

I was wary at first but it did make a positive difference.
But its trial and error getting the right one and the right dose.
Can get side effects for first few weeks and it also takes a couple of months to start to see benefits so it can look like things are worse before they are better.
Most GPs wont prescribe to u18s, accessing CAMHs psychiatrist is difficult so if GP wont prescribe seeing a private child and adolescent psychiatrist may be way forward if its an option.
Finding a therapist they click with is also trial and error. My DD does art therapy as she likes to do something whilst talking so its less intense.

Thanks for your good advice.

DD had a meltdown today getting ready for a birthday party.
Seriously unhappy with everything about her body and refused to go..
She is quite overweight but it's so hard to tell her to cut down on rubbish eating.
I have no idea what to say when she is sobbing her heart out saying "I hate my body"
Any suggestions?

Grateful that in the end she cheered herself up and got ready and I dropped her off at the station.

I am wiped out though!

@darkchocholic
Typed a reply then my phone died and I lost it - grrr!
Anyways i hope she had a nice time, its great she did actually go in the end. Hope you had a restful evening after all the high emotions.
Ive been through this a few times and no failsafe advice - sorry but i know how hard it is.
Teenage angst over appearance is normal but in our DDs its really amplified.
What sort of helped-
Short term- planning outfit( and possibly second choice) making sure its washed and ironed . Helps take some pressure off but isnt foolproof- my DD procrastinates over this.
Positive affirmations every day to praise them, point out what they did well ( helpfulness, kindness, school work etc) what they are good at ( art, sport, cooking etc), how good that look ( outfit, hair, eyes, a colour suits etc )
Can be something really small, they may slap you down but keep going.
And repeat repeat repeat ideally several times a day but at least once a day- long term build self esteem , positive outlook .
Food is tricky when they are teens you cant control it but i guess only buying healthy snacks/ lower calorie options and healthy dinners at home may help make a difference.
Going for a walk, swim or bike ride as a family might help too , good for emotional and physical health but realise there may well be resistance to this!
Hope today is easier and DD had a good time, she did amazing to go when she was so anxious

@Runnerduck34
Thank you!
You have given me some great suggestions.
Getting outfit and back up outfit ready before hand is something that we can certainly try. I would have never thought of this one.
Positive affirmation is also great- I consciously need to try more of this.
She did have a good time in the end and I am so glad it was her decision to go and not me forcing her to.
Yes, consciously trying to have less junk in the house. She really needs all the help and me to be firm as she is bordering on the obese category.
It's sad that the food options at school are dire..packed lunch seems so uncool at 6th form!
We sadly have no luck in family activities such as walks...
Hope everyone is having a good Sunday
Xx

@DarkChocHolic @Runnerduck34 I definitely hear you on the body image issues. No advice that has not already been mentioned just solidarity.

I hope everyone has had a decent few weeks and looking forward to half term.

We have been up and down here with some good moments, ok moments and terrible moments. Things are a little fraught at the moment with a birthday coming soon and all the anxiety that comes with it. DC doesn't want a fuss or a party but of course, we are doing something. Throw in increased school workload, all the stuff involved in applying for University, thinking about the future, and here we are largely exhausted on the floor........I really really hope that when I say things will be easier next year, I am right, I really need to believe that!

Sorry I disappeared,we are struggling then last week we all dropped after D's bought in a conscious cold and cough bug which tbh I was convinced was covid(tested - throughout but was ROUGH dd2 has still not shaken the cough and wheezing a bit,but think finally turning a corner)

I am losing will to live with matcover HOY for lil zoo..she has no drive or ideas,I'd slow to get back to you and passes buck every opportunity 😞
French is still on the cards despite having doc note..it's a double read or write as speaking excluded which hasn't reduced anxiety and french days mostly doesn't go in
Checking what's happen Ehcp is now a Sen team deciding whether go ahead or not(she's in yr11)rather then when it's go be complete and attendance is worst ever been as not check ins,support or anything
Lil zoo adamant everything in place for exams but I'm not convinced as tends hold a I'm on it attitude but does very little
Dd2 is breaking me..with no school now her gapyear is constant reasurance and her grip on me/whole house is suffocatingly tight.aitism suppor workshops only think hope I have and they are fantastic resources
She's attended an ASD support group once which went ok,now convinced as most dont work it's ok she stays with me like thisforever rather than go uni here next year
Money is problematic,gets pipbut clings towvery penny to spend on snacks(gaining weight at speed) and fidget/latest hyper fixations.eefuses entertain idea anything should go towards her upkeep
Ds plodding on,liason support worker quit.hes struggling socially as masks constantly and exhausted and irritated at home.gets two weeks half term but already fret about having to go back his continuous negativity is draining

Sorry for the rant/braindump

Hope everyone's ok x

@Stilllivinginazoo glad you are all feeling better.

For DD2, is she (or you on her behalf if you are her appointee) claiming UC?
Can you sit down with DD2 and list household expenses and work out how much you are spending to support her even though you are no longer receiving any monies for her? Has DD2 had a social care assessment? It could look at a PA to help her. If she isn’t going to go to university you should also request an EHCNA for her.

If you pay council tax are you aware you can be discounted as a carers to an adult living in the same house who isn’t a spouse/partner?

If the school won’t request an EHCNA for DD3 you can do it yourself. IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

@DarkChocHolic would DD use a trampoline or exercise equipment at home?

@Okisenough
I know what you mean about Birthdays and the stress they bring. It is a special time but somehow it ends up causing anguish at ours especially for DD who has no close friends.
So we try to overcompensate but it is never the same!

@Stilllivinginazoo rant away...sorry you are still having trouble over dropping French. Unbelievable how inflexible some schools can be.

@1bounceforward2back DD does have a gym membership that I should really cancel as she never goes. I hold on to the hope she will go regularly at some point.
Her eating at school is shocking. She regularly goes over her budget and its coke, crisps, sweets and iced tea every single day!
I am going to ask her to pay me back for being overdrawn now she is earning.
Today she cancelled her therapy session at the last minute so I had to pay 50 pounds.
she quoted she was too traumatised to "talk" today as she had a bad day at school but the real reason i discovered is so she can go into town with some friends after school.
Its the dishonesty that genuinely bothers me.
Sometimes I think this whole mental health thing is her taking me for a mug so I back off and have no boundaries.
Honestly fed up today :-(

Hello everyone, good to hear your updates , sorry so many are having a difficult time.
Its so draining.
Zoo- always feel free to rant away to us.
Hope you are all feeling better now.
I agree with bounce that its not unreasonable to ask dd make a contribution to living costs with some of her pip.
Cant believe lilzoos school arent backing down over french- utter madness
Okisenough, I hope DC has a good birthday- lets hope next year is better!
Sorry youre so fed up darkchocholic, ive also been in situation for having to pay for sessions DD didnt attend. Its frustrating and sometimes difficult to unpick whats really going on with them.
I have occasionally used the cancelled therapy sessions myself to talk about suppport strategies etc.

DD is really low atm, seems depressed very hard to see her so low. Her oldest sister shared some photos and video from a holiday we had 7 years ago- I realised that ive forgotton what it was like when she was carefree and happy, right now I cant see that she will ever be better, it does feel neverending.
Im glad its nearly half term and even though im working the hamster wheel feeling will slow down

@Runnerduck34
Big hugs. Its awful seeing our kids depressed.
Especially as there seems to be very little we can say and do to make things better.
Like you, old photographs make me so emotional.
We live very close to DDs school and when I see the new year 7s walking by so cheerful in their shiny new uniforms it takes me back to the days when DD was happy and excited.
Now we cannot wait to get out of the school gates!
Half term is a welcome respite for many like us...
I hope you have a quiet week
Xx

@Stilllivinginazoo I really wish I could walk into your school and wobble their heads about French. I don't understand their stubbornness on this.

Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone. I am hoping it will go well and her mood will be in a good place. She doesn't want a fuss but then compares with friends who are doing big things. It's tough. Fingers crossed.

I also relate to the feelings of old photos and counselling. I know counselling can be a slow process but sometimes I wish I could see more progress. I try to remind myself that she's engaging so that's a win.

Hugs to all of you @Stilllivinginazoo @DarkChocHolic @Runnerduck34 and anyone just reading who is going through similar.

Had to do an emergency run to the vets today
One of our cats has been put to sleep,I'm devestated as he chose me at rescue centre 11 years ago and has been a devoted companion
Dd2 is very upset,but after losing his brother suddenly few years back she will be following pattern it seems and has now shutdown.it won't be mentioned again for a few weeks then she will start processing grief

I really need a break,life has been relentless recently

@Stilllivinginazoo I am so sorry to hear about your cat x

Hope half term brings you some much-needed rest.

@Stilllivinginazoo I'm so sorry about your cat. This is a really difficult time for you all, you have my sympathy xx

Oh @Stilllivinginazoo
So sorry to hear that.
Do allow yourself to grieve too...
Big hugs..xx

Zoo- so sorry to hear about your cat
I hope get some rest and relaxation at half term

Hi everybody, hope it is ok if I join you.

My DS (15) is feeling extremely low and has been self-harming and having suicidal thoughts. We have seen the CAHMs crisis team a couple of times - they have been very supportive, but are just going to refer us to a local charity which has a long waiting list. We are trying to find a private therapist but it's hard to find one that DS clicks with.

DS won't talk at all about how he is feeling. All he will say is that he is very tired. He has been going into school part-time but gets very wiped out. School are supportive but as DS is in Y11 they are getting stressed about exams (he didn't go in for his mocks this week).

I'm finding it so hard not knowing what might help. There are a few issues going on which I'm sure are contributing. DS is trans and this has impacted his relationship with his dad. He has some sensory issues which make school hard work. I don't think he has ADHD or autism but he's definitely "something" if you know what I mean.

I am just feeling so wiped out and exhausted. All I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there for ever. I think in a way maybe I'm feeling what DS is feeling? Obviously I am trying to stay positive for him and make sure that home is a cosy environment with nice food etc.

There's so much on this thread that resonates with me - I'm sorry that you are all going through this too.

@tartandress a warm welcome to our little corner of mumsnet. Sending you a hug and just letting you know that we hear you and understand. It's hard and heartbreaking watching our dc struggle and it really takes a toll. Always feel free to rant to us, I often find just sharing my difficult days lightens the load. I hope you and DS get some rest this weekend x

The only thing I would suggest is it might be worth talking to a psychiatrist to check out this 'something', if it can be diagnosed then you will have a clearer idea about what to do next.

@tartandress
Welcome and so sorry you are here.
Please use this safe space to vent and seek reassurance.
My DD is similar to your DS
I.suspect borderline ND but she is certainly suffering from low mood and possibly depression.
Please ask camhs to refer to psychiatrist. Or if you can afford private do go that route.
DS may need more help than just therapy.
As much as I don't want to go down the medication route, I am bringing myself to accept that DD may need it.
I am with you on crawling in bed and never having to get up...
It does affect us significantly.
Don't feel guilty and you are not alone.
Xx

@tartandress
drlisadamour.com/when-is-anxiety-a-disorder-when-does-sadness-become-depression/

I found listening to this very helpful.

Thanks for your kind words, guys, that means a lot. I will listen to that podcast, @DarkChocHolic, thank you! @Okisenough I agree, having a diagnosis feels like it would be really helpful

@tartandress welcome.
Sounds like there is so much going on.
One thing that struck me is that you mentioned sensory issues. This is commonly linked with autism and autistic teens are much much more likely to identify as trans.
Its defintely something worth exploring and doing some reading around as autism doesnt always present like you think it may.
Do you have any support or time for yourself? How you feel really resonates. Can you carve out a little bit of time for you? It might also be worth visiting your GP to get support for YOU.
Dont underestimate the impact on your own health and wellbeing and do try to priorotise yourself even for a small portion of every day.

@darkchocholic thank you for link to podcast- Ive just listened☺️