Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

@DarkChocHolic I am really sorry to hear about what your dd has been going through. It's so hard to watch as a parent. We are here for you and feel free to vent and share as much as you need or want. Everyone here is lovely. You and your dd are definitely not alone and I hope that provides some comfort.

Welcome DarkChocHolic. Good luck with the CAMHS appointment. It can help to write a list of things you want to say so you don’t miss anything important and any questions you want to ask. Did DD have to change her plans for sixth form? Or has she been able to continue with her original plan? If she receiving any support from school/college?

OK I hope you are looking after yourself. Caring for DC with additional needs can feel incredibly lonely even when you are surrounded by people.

@okisenough how are you today?
I recognise those feelings, its a hard lonely place sometimes. I hope today is better.

@darkchocholic
Welcome. Im sorry its been so difficult. It is heartbreaking and as a parent you feel so powerless. I hope CAMHS appointment is helpful, please reach out in here as much as you need to. Its a very supportive welcoming group.

Welcome darkchocholic
Depression can come from extended stress/anxiety.i hope that with your dad now on CAMHS radar and g.p being on the ball things start to improve for her
How are you feeling/coping?x

Thank you everyone for the kind words and solidarity.
I wish we all didn't need to be here but equally it's such a relief to be able to vent and be understood by others in the same situation.
Apologies if I miss replying to anyone in particular - not intentional!

I will remember to make a list for Camhs appointment.
As we already have a private counsellor, I wasn't sure whether to take up anything if camhs even offered.
But will see what they have to offer first. I may broach rhe topic of adhd and ask assessment with them and see if they suggest anything.
Equally, we are prepared to go private but no clue where to even look to start.

DD seem to be slowly settling into 6th form. She managed to stay at current school but had to change all her subjects as she didn't meet the grades for original offer.
It's all been very overwhelming for her and the future seems so uncertain. She wants to go to university but again not clear what she wants to do.
If I suggest apprenticeship or gap year she doesn't want to hear about it.
She just says she is sad...I don't know how to change that. She has very few hobbies and interests to distract her.

Thank you to the pp who asked how I was doing.
Am not coping very well. I should be able to help her but sometimes I just want to run away and hide...DH is around and reasonably supportive bit equally busy at work and just doesn't have patience sometimes when DD just cries and cannot say why.

I suppose I can only take it one day at a time and hold on to the good days.
I hope everyone has a good week!

I should be able to help her
An instant mum reflex but as they get older,SEN or not, that's not always what is wanted or needed.
I've discovered these past few years it's ok not to be able to fix things,or have all the answers but to just be there is often "enough"

It's not suprising you feel the way you do.i don't think any of us feel on top of things,or comfortable with everyday.
Hindsight allows us to feel guilty about choices we made and it's incredible hard watching friends/peers doing things ours find so very challenging
It can also be do very lonely,and isolating whether accidental or because of intentional withdrawing..who wants to answer how's<insert child's name>followed by the sometimes critical looks or opinions.

Time gives us many things-
Reflection
Experience- there's a wealth of shared experiences(and bounce kindly offers a huge amount of knowledge on benefits,and education advice)
Strength- to fight when needed(runnerI'm looking to you and your epic LEA battles❤️)and the ability to learn not to take the opinions of others to heart
Resilience- to pick up and keep going on the hardest of days

Our little community here truly understand and venting/reaching out for advice/comfort has given me so much over the years.knowing you are not alone and there are people that completely get it helps💖💖

I am feeling better today so thank you to all those who asked. I generally try to think positively about things but still sometimes you are hit by a wave of emotion and feel unable to get back up!

@DarkChocHolic we all relate to those feelings. I have wanted to hide under a rock very very often. You just want to fix everything for them and it's frustrating and upsetting when it feels like you can't do anything or don't know what to do. I got some good advice once, I can't remember from who but basically it went something like this - they don't want you to fix their feelings & problems, they want to be heard so they can process how they feel and then try and sort out their own problems themselves. Of course, it doesn't apply to every issue that comes up but I did find it helpful during those moments when my dd was just sad/upset/overwhelmed/angry about how things were.

Thank you again for the wise words. It's so true we are not able to fix everything.
I needed to hear that just being there is enough sometimes.
Today has not been a good day.
DD said she didn't have a good day at school but couldn't articulate why.
She didn't want to go to her dance class. I told her it may help with take her mind off things but she didn't go in the end.
DH got upset and had a rant at her..asking her what's wrong. Dd wouldn't reply and just kept quiet and eventually started crying.
A bad evening made worse.. I would say by DH..
Sometimes I get that she needs a push as last week she came back from her dance lesson buzzing.
Obviously that doesn't work every time.
Tomorrow will be better...
Hope everyone is OK today!

@darkchocholic
Sorry Tuesday was so tough. I understand DHs frustration but shouting will only make everyone more stressed and still wont get them to school or activity. But we've all been there!
How are things now?

Weve had a exhausting week.
Last weekend dropped DD19 to her first year at uni - 4 hours away.
And following day took our oldest DD to start her masters at uni 2.5 hours away. Was physically and emotionally drained!
But they seem to be ok, fingers crossed.
DD16 has had issues with her EOTAS timetable again- pulling my hair out, they seem a bit choatic and unreliable. Shes been anxious and is struggling with all of her timetable but im pleased shes managjng some , even most, of it.
LA have invited her providers to a pre tribunal meeting. We havent been invited . Slightly concerned we will be stiched up!
Hope everyone is ok and has a restful weekend.
I will be binging in strictly tonight!

runner how can they have a pre meet with everyone but you?that seems somewhat shady😤

Hope you have made time for yourself this week,even just a few minutes

Darkchoc I can't generalise my my DC dad is king of open mouth and put both feet in never knowing when to pull back or push forward.i put it down to not dealing with it 24/7 like I have to...
Hope you are ok and weekend is quieter

Been tough week here
Lil zoo school refused/had such bad guy pain wouldn't go and after two days at home I resorted to ask them come for her.they sent pastoral care and inclusion head and cajoled her into "the pink room" rather than classes still in Rick and Morty t and jeans to prove it may hurt but be there won't make it worse!
The problem partially us french.we have doc note excusing from oral exam,but they insisting it's still important sit french maybe adding another of the other elements.aftee this week they're having a meeting to discuss as I've made it very clear they risk her not taking any GCSE cons the spring if they push for one I feel isn't significant!
Ds still be extra negative about school every day
Dd2 now on her "gap year" and in progress of tapering meds is hard work
We volunteer at church community cafe one Saturday morning a month.ds man's toaster with bit help lil zoo,who does teas,coffee and man's coffee machine,dd2 washes up,I do front of house and we have another senior church member cooking.its stressful getting everyone there but I think it's important(it runs alongside food bank and tea and toast is free,cooked brekkies are partially funded by junk food campaign to end food waste so bread,tomatoes etc on use by come to us for food bank/cafe)and they are given a treat lunch after(Greg's or subway)

I'm tired.its been a very long week and my coping skills are not helpful ones but I'm struggling to be kind to myself or kick myself up this bum to change things currently
Hoping once get into a better routine of back at school I can start try turn it around

I thought it was dodgy/ undergand too zoo. Tuition service told me that they dont go to these meetings as cant be seen to be in conflict with LA ( LA is their paymaster) so appears their strategy us to refuse to attend- clearly they think LA may be trying to get them to support reduction in hours .
Ridiculous school are insisting lilzoo do french gcse if its causing so much anxiety and creating a barrier to school -good luck with meeting.
I hope DS is ok and able to manage school and access a decent education even if school isnt perfect fit.
Hope DDs gap year is good for her. My DD19 has just had a gap year doing a part time job , she was too anxious to go to uni last year and has autism but a year out did her the world of good , although appreciate her anxiety was nowhere near as bad as your DDs.
Volunteering sounds amazing , very worthwhile, and very good for DC to be involved with. Im pleased you have a church family to support you.
I tend to comfort eat for britain when stressed!

DarkChocHolic not being able to magically fix things is one of the hardest things to accept, I think. Is DD receiving any support at school?

Zoo sorry it has been a difficult and tiring week. Your volunteering sounds brilliant. Have you had any thoughts about requesting an EHCNA for DD3?

Runner I hope DD1 enjoys her masters and DD2 settles at university. If you are feeling bold you could always try inviting yourself. Although this was easier when they were all in person. Have you thought about pushing to not use the tuition centre?

I tend to comfort eat for britain when stressed!

Me too. I really need to lose weight, but I am failing at that.

Thank you @Runnerduck34 A few calm days after last week. Keeping expectations quite low helps.
We had the CAMHS appointment which was quite hard for both DD and I .
I didn't expect them to speak to me as well but found it quite cathartic.
I was drained after it so could empathise how much therapy will take it out of DD
I hope issues with your DDs EOTAS timetable and LA are progressing. I can imagine the unbelievable amount of admin and stress in such things. To add to it, the stress of having to drop older DD's off at uni. Hope you had a restful weekend.

@Stilllivinginazoo school refusal is so hard. Glad your school are being helpful in cajoling. Still doesnt make it any easy for parents to deal with. Totally agree that French shouldn't be an issue. Several of DD's friends got to drop subjects when their mental health dropped in Y11. Languages was the most common. Hope you got to rest after the church Sunday. That is a lot of work!

@1bounceforward2back thank you! she doesn't want support at school but I have let her 6th form coordinator and form tutor know she is struggling.
I may reach out to the SENCo this week too.
She does have private therapy. CAMHS may refer us to the eating disorder unit as that was one of the safe guarding things they identified in addition to her still thinking about OD which is worrying me.

I hope everyone has as good a week as possible and apologies if I have missed replying or tagging anyone

@DarkChocHolic
I find Low or even zero expectations so all pressure is removed does help.
Theres a book called never let go by suzanne alderson (sp?) which might be worth a look, she also has a facebook parenting mental group and runs courses.
CAMHS appointments are emotionally draining- I hope you felt heard.
Hope this week is a better one for everyone.

Bounce-tempting to invite myself but havent heard of the person who is organising it- not someone weve had contact with. Her tuition company said its their policy to refuse to attend these meetings as they cant be in conflict with LA and other provider hasnt started working with her yet so not sure if they will go either.
I have looked for other tutoring companies but we are at the ( sea) edge/ corner of the county and there seems to be no other provider with in person tutoring or crucially any with exam centres that offer access arrangements. If we were across the other side of the county it would be different.
Her tutors are good ( ive fought for the experienced and qualified ones )but that means they are in demand and timetabling is an issue and sadly she seems to get " bumped" if tutors are offered school work.
However i think(?) It has settled down now.
Fingers crossed

@Runnerduck34 yep it does seem shady and also just plain rude! Well done on the university drop-offs. Good luck to both dds.

@Stilllivinginazoo The volunteering sounds amazing and no doubt a great experience for them. I agree that it is silly for the school to choose GCSE French as a sticking point and hope they will see sense.

We have been going to University open days recently. Despite everything, dd still wants to go to Uni next year. I have suggested a gap year but at the moment dd not keen. I hope that once dd leaves behind the school environment, things will get easier but of course, I don't know how things will be.

Hope everyone has an easier week this week.

@helpddgrow
Sorry to hear about the stressful day at school.
The drama with teenage girls being mean at school is unbelievable.
DD was also saying this week how mean 2 of the girls are to another one and I found it so sad and annoying at the same time.
School seems to be the main trigger for so many of us on this thread.
I hope you find the right therapist.
We now have a better one for DD and she is in a slightly better place because of her.
Hope tomorrow is a better day for your DD at school.
Xx

@helpddgrow
So sorry your DD is going through this.
Teenagers can be very cruel sometimes.
Is it worth talking to school? If DD will let you.
School is such a massive part of their lives its so hard when its an unhappy place. She should be able to feel safe there.
I hope home can be her haven and she has friends who value her.
Its actually pretty amazing she is opening up to you, perhaps she just needs someone to support her and listen.
I hope tomorrow is better.

We have been up and down here.
DD had an amazing week last week, managed all tutoring, saw friends.
I was practically somersaulting with happiness ( i know my emotions shouldnt still be linked to her up and downs!)
This week shes crashed, a cycle Id hoped we'd have broken by now.

I haven't read the whole discussion but I have a child who is anxious/stressed and says they have a near constant headache (as a result of the stress). They have seen a GP who referred them to CAMHS but it is not clear what CAMHS are actually going to be able to do and how quickly.

Has anyone's child been prescribed antidepressants and how has that experience been? We've been somewhat reluctant to go down that route as our child is only in their mid-teens but are also keen to get help for them ASAP as their school is suffering, friendships are difficult, there is self harming etc.

Also, is there likely to be therapy offered through CAMHS and is it likely to be of good quality? We are in a position to go private too. It's hard to get straight answers form CAMHS.

Only a psychiatrist can prescribe anti-depressants to under 18s and they should only be prescribed alongside therapy. CAMHS has very long waiting lists for therapy. If you can afford to go private, I would.

Welcome yearofthebuttercup. As Roseau posted, most GPs won’t prescribe antidepressants to DC without them being initiated by a child and adolescent psychiatrist because this is what the NICE guidelines state, and also that it should be alongside therapy rather than instead of. What CAMHS will offer will depend on where you are and individual circumstances. The quality of support and waiting times also varies depending on your area and individual circumstances. What support is the school providing?

Runner glad you have sorted the tuition centre. The boom and bust cycle is really difficult.

HelpDDgrow I hope school is better today. I would also speak to the school.

Thanks for your responses.

We are keen for our child to have therapy alongside any possible medication. Their school has offered counselling but our child has said they didn't find it that helpful.

What other support is the school providing!?

My child has a red card that they can present if they feel overwhelmed in class, and the school nurse is apparently very helpful and supportive, but I'm not aware of any other support. What do you think they should be providing?