Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

@liz4change
Thats such good news and wonderful to hear, thank you for posting the update 😊

How is everyone? Im procrastinating when i should be doing housework!
We got finally got pur appeal registration paperwork but appeal isnt until end of April.
As we are appealing to get more tuition hours for GCSE study that date is about as much use as a chocolate teapot.
LA 1 DD 0
Im trying to reframe it as if we do get more hours awarded it would ( hopefully) secure provision for the following academic year?????
Although wouldnt put it passed LA to do an AR almost immediately and try and remove it as it would be end of school year.
DD is doing ok, unusually she saw had 2 invites from friends on same day- she had arranged to go out with a new friend from tuition centre then a close friend rearranged her birthday get together to the same day so it clashed. DD got herself in a right state not wanting to let either of them down and self harmed, I wasnt able to calm her down or reason with her at all.
In the end she saw her new friend during the day and went to sleepover with close friend - so shes going to be exhausted/ drained when i pick her up! But so pleased she managed both.

runneryour LA really goes above and beyond to make it as hard as possible to secure anything,it makes me LIVID on your behalf!(so well-done keep chipping away and not being fobbed off)

And well-done DD for double friend visits.hope the slepover goes well

Groundhog Day here
Round 2 fitting new doors and windows,we now have ANOTHER cracked pain,wrapped in blue film which gives living room a seriously odd hue and the glass for back door cut to wrong size,so that's boarded....
I lost it with liason officer and she's promised all repairs will be done on same day asap.i query front door as was sure I chose red from what was offered in a different style to the navy we were given..she checked,and I was right so that needs sorting too!

I fell asleep with a cat on me Wednesday and she had afreak out - jerks awake with force/claws out and slammed into my hand(whichwas against my face,so could've been much worse)hands ballooned and is still painful minor scratches look fine,pharmacy said on Thursday try antihistamines and see g.p Monday if not better sohopi g that goes down!(not getting much done as very painful and joints are stiff)

Dd2 is a mess,overeating and rapid weight gaining,constant panics about EVERYTHING and attempts reframe thoughts or remind her no point stressing well in advance/our of her control causing massive arguments as im cruelfor invalidating her distress...

D's withdrawn already stressed about school return.struggling get contact transport to chase arrangements

Lil zoo remains spiky and difficult as ever,cannot cope anyone can't see her viewpoint(shutdown)and I'm not going into trying get new clothes or shoes sorted for September,or for home as she has very specific criteria only she knows and if she sees it and refuses wear anything but one pair of jeans and ds long sleeved t shirts at mo(but will not accept be buying exact t shirts as she doesn't want them as her own<gives up>

I must chase up g.p letter regarding supporting her not doing french speaking exam as ifear if they say has todo will refuse engage any schooling.not good as going into year 111 plus HOY is about go into maternity leave and I'm doubtful she will have time build rapport with replacement whom she doesn't currently know at all
Sorry to be such a negative Nelly!!

Hope eberyoneelse is fairing better!

Zoo you don’t have to apologise for off-loading. You have so much on your plate. Your hand sounds painful, I hope it starts to improve. Sorry to hear fitting the new windows and doors haven’t been straightforward again.

Runner I hope DD’s sleepover went well. It is brilliant she has a friend from the tuition centre, and managed to see both friends navigating competing demands, even though it is exhausting. As it is a phase transfer appeal and DD will be out of full time education you can request an expedited hearing. The LA should not remove provision at an AR straight after Tribunal simply because they don’t agree. Depending on specifics, if they tried, JR may be possible.

We are plodding on here. I am tired despite having a quiet-ish weekend.

zoo- you arent a negative nelly- youve a lot going on- I hope windows and doors are put right soon, sounds like a right saga- cant believe how much its been mucked up!
Sorry to hear things are difficult with all your DC -its sounds very draining. Lots of what you say about lil zoo resonates with my experiences with DD.
I hope your hands are better.
Youve reminded me to chase transport, Im also chasing personal budget-I just want to forget about it all during school holidays and give myself a break from thinking about it all but I know I cant afford to let it slide and rely on LA actually doing what they are meant to let alone in time for start of term!
DD enjoyed both day out with new friend and sleepover, Her self harm is looking pretty sore:( pretty gutting she did it as she hasnt done it in a long while.

Sorry you are feeling so tired bounce-hope you get some rest during the school holidays.
I did ask for an expediated appeal when I submitted it but clearly didnt work, I will ask again but not holding up much hope- I did wonder if its worth asking for a paper appeal if it would be quicker. When I chased registration-which took over a month (exceeding tribunals timeframe of 20 days)-they did say they were experiencing unprecedented demand. Feels like the whole system is stacked against children,

Runner glad DD enjoyed seeing both friends. I hope the rebound isn’t too distressing. Personally, I wouldn’t request a paper hearing. They tend to benefit LAs more than parents.

Could l join?

I have a 17 year old ASD Dd who has refused to go to school since March. I’m already sick of fighting the LEA for an EHCP.

I was so desperate l took her to see a private psychiatrist. She started on fluoxetine 4 weeks ago. She does seem better. But still won’t go to school. Even though she wants to learn.

Welcome arseinaCoOpwindow
Have the school offered you any other solutions/part time etc

Thanks bounce - its helpful to hear your advice re paper hearings.
Welcome@arsein thecoopwindow.
I hope fluxetine helps, its good youve seen an improvement already.
Keep pushing for an EHCP.
Can school or LA offer alternative provision/ health needs education ( this also covers MH needs) whilst she is unable to attend school? Defintely ask both school and LA for this.

Welcome ArseInTheCoOpWindow.

Runner unfortunately, ArseInTheCoOpWindow’s DD isn’t CSA, so whilst the LA has the power to make education, they don’t have a statutory duty to, therefore it is unusual for the LA to agree to provide provision.

I'd like to join. I'm absolutely on my knees here with 15 year old dd who suffers with general anxiety/social anxiety, and just found out she has self harmed. Possible asd I think, like her younger brother. On waiting list for NHS help/cahms but GP said could be 2 years wait! No available NHS help in the meantime because she already has referral so they won't offer any other help.
I can't talk to anyone in RL for lots of reasons. Mainly not wanted to break her confidence but also the shame of feeling like a failing parent. Even my own parents have no idea what we are dealing with.
I am drowning under the constant anxiety. My own mental health is suffering as is my marriage because of the stress were under.
It's the angry outbursts, isolating herself from the family by spending all day in her room, 8 hours plus on her phone each day if we let her. I just don't know where to turn for help.

@Theordinary if she is ASD I’d let her stay in her room on screens. She could be in burnout. My dd is 17 ( won’t go to school, fighting for EHCP) spends all her time in her dark room. She’s decompressing.

I just don't know if it is asd or not. I think she's depressed and isolated. Both kids have not seen anyone their own age in the holidays. Ds has no friends. Dd only 1. My mental health is deteriorating rapidly. I'm off these next 2 weeks and I already feel like I can't cope. I'm sat here in tears completely unable to get a grip. She's in her room completely oblivious to it luckily. My son is probably wondering what he's done to upset me. It's all such a mess to be honest. I've just spend 2 hours on hold trying to get through to GP and the phone has cut off without even speaking to anyone to get an appointment. It's just tipped me over the edge a bit right now 😩

If this is any help, anxiety is often the first thing ASD girls present with. And it’s often misdiagnosed as just anxiety.

Her anger is coming from a place of anxiety. Reduce any demands on her.

That's good advice, thank you. There's been literally no demands placed so far today as she's only left her room once to get some food. We're going to the cinema later so hopefully that will be something positive. I think I need to look after my own mental health too. I'll be no help at all if I go under. Everything costs a fortune though. I can't afford 50 quid an hour for counselling particularly when I feel it should be spent for her instead.

Can you afford private?

@Theordinary Just wanted to say you are not alone. I think 15 (year 11) was one of the hardest years dealing with my daughter, again struggling with social anxiety and general anxiety, also had self-harm. I suspect some sort of ND but didn't get very far with the GP on this. At times it has been completely overwhelming. Two years later, things are better although still a bit of a rollercoaster, there are days when I see light at the end of the tunnel and days when I despair but I hold onto the small wins.

Does your GP accept emails or have an online form? I have found that often it's better to fill this in, wait for a phone call with the GP who can then get you an appointment in person.

Okisenough, thanks for your message. It's the worry of it all that overwhelms me. Particularly when I'm in the thick of terrible pmt. I feel like a constant failure that the kids have few friends and are so anti social. I blame myself Constantly for how much they struggle. For myself, I have called my occupational health dept to arrange some counselling. I'm still unsure if the best thing to do re assessment for my daughter. She is reluctant to share a diagnosis with her brother I think. It's heartening to hear that things are improving for your child. I do feel that her age is a major factor in all of this.

Welcome the ordinary
Life sounds very hard at the moment for you,we are here to listen❤️

I have three DC still at home,all diagnosed ASD in past few years despite being in later teen years.

The isolating themselves is hard,dd2 needs decompression/alone time most of my three but still needs some structure(as do all of mine) to keep her on a routine
I am "that" parent who wakes up kids in hols as we spin off routines here all hell breaks lose and try get anyone back onto a schedule come sept will not happen,plus there's depression in the mix and up all night,sleep all day isn't ok with me!

It is very hard not to feel it's your fault,but I think that just being a mum tbh.someone told me once as a mum if you don't feel bad,you probably aren't doing it right!!!the reality is it's not your fault/you haven't failed her.failing would be to abandon her when she needs you most,and you are here asking us for support.yoi obviously love her very much,and she's still in there somewhere.hold on to that,like it's a life raft in a choppy sea

You HAVE to look after yourself
I say it all the time,you cannot pour from an empty cup and anxious children generally need a lot of reassurance and support.you must look at your own needs.what can you do each day to help you cope?over the years we have had painting my nails,eat chocolate locked in the bathroom,read a chapter of a book,step out for a walk alone(obvs any young DC there's still supervision if nec),a bath,cook something to nourish or comfort you,colouring either in a DC book or buy yourself one..there a many things out there.i personally need fresh air and movement(dd2 needs a lot too so we have at least one long walk a day(long be 2+ hours) with natural area be included in that)and be able to offload any stuff day to day helps too.we can help with that

I got a call from D's taxi driver from last year an hour ago saying the firm contacted him they have the contract for September and he's got the job again!
Ecstatic doesn't cover it,I'm so relieved tender has returned to same company and his boss was happy for him to be out taxi again as he is just THE BEST!

I assume in due course I will hear from LA(day before due back probably🤣) so it's one load of my .mind as they had said we will fave to wait til mid October to hear as I was late applying as no one told me I needed to reapply for same placement!

Today D's and dd2 have taken themselves on a hike along a cycle track near us thru open countryside.they left at 730,and are arriving at destination in about 45 mins I've just heard.theyve seen lots horses,the river and walked alongside a lot fields in middle of countryside and had a marvellous time.they will be getting a bus back(which takes 45 minutes!)
Dd2 loves these long walks and now has done a few always remembers her backpack with small snacks,couple bottles water,headlight(in colder months or for very long walks returning from somewhere in case starts to get dark)some first aid bits and her and whoever accompanying her full charged mobiles in case need Google maps/help with anything plus to stay in text contact❤️

Welcome theordinary. Is there a local charity or other organisation who provide support to teens? What support does DD normally receive at school? Do they have a counsellor/mentor/key worker? I would continue pursuing an ASD assessment. Scope offer mentoring to parents of DC undergoing assessment. You may not think it, but there will still be demands placed on DD, even if they are internal demands. How old is DS? Is he receiving any support?

Zoo it is brilliant to hear the taxi is sorted and it’s the same driver. It is lovely to hear DD2 and DS are doing something independently (even if there are many texts).

We also have a lot of structured during holidays as DSs need it. Although I don’t need to wake mine up, they are up early anyway.

@Stilllivinginazoo that's wonderful news about the taxi. I am so pleased for you. And lovely to hear that DS and DD2 got out to enjoy a walk.

@Theordinary I hope you manage to get some counselling via work. I think it definitely helps to talk through some of the things you are going through and feeling with someone who can be objective. Also, you are not a failure, none of us are, we are all just trying to do the best for ourselves and our children with whatever resources we have. It's draining especially emotionally, whenever I receive a text from dd during school, I brace myself and breathe out in relief when it's nothing. All of this takes a toll. Although I do discuss a little bit of what is going on in RL, I keep it shallow on the whole, and I think most people just think it's within the normal teenage angst realm. I've never really discussed the emotional outbursts, meltdowns, tears, anger, terror, self-harm and suicidal thoughts with anyone but the GP who tried and failed to get CAHMs to help. I've shielded the worst from the rest of the family including my DH! When I think about it we are all fecking amazing!!

I am grateful that summer has been largely good with regards to dd. Like some others are experiencing, my dd has started to stress about the start of school. Her counselling has restarted after a summer break so hopefully that will help with her anxiety over this. I am trying to keep my mouth shut and not offer too many solutions, just letting her say what she wants. I feel quite lucky in the sense despite everything including the many days of school missed, she has kept up with school work and should do quite well. She wants to go to university. This is the goal. I don't know what the next school year will bring although I know that for my dd it won't be straightforward. So I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks and not let my own fears for the coming school year cause me anxiety.

@helpddgrow I am so sorry this is happening and hope that things do get better. It sounds like a really stressful time. I have no useful advice but am sending you a virtual hug.

@helpddgrow Im so sorry that sounds extremely stressful and very upsetting for you all.
I hope it improves soon.

Zoo- thats brilliant news!! And very quick too!

@theordinary Welcome!