Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

With my dd I made a lot of mistakes, I was always trying to find solutions or give advice but I think often they just want to be heard so listening and telling them you understand how sad they must feel etc helped calm my dd down. Try not to expect too much during this time from her.

Speak to your GP and discuss medical options that might help with her anxiety.

How does her anxiety present helpddgrow?
Is it panic attacks/can't breathe etc?
If you can give specifics here we maybe able to find some solutions x

I think the first question is something your dd should speak to her counsellor about, they are more likely to have ideas and techniques. As they get to know your daughter more, they will be able to understand what will work. Also you can ask her to see your daughter more frequently if you, dd and the counsellor feels it will help.

I actually had a couple of counselling sessions myself (with a different counsellor) to help me discuss how it affected me. It helped me to separate my own responses from dd's. I feel I cope better and hence less likely to put my foot in it/make things worse when dd is upset.

Is the counsellor giving DD strategies to manage her anxiety day to day? If not, you need a therapist that can/will. The first things to try are things like grounding techniques, breathing exercise, positive affirmations, meditation, exercise, fresh air (even if it is in the garden), distraction (what does DD normally enjoy doing), looking at sensory needs. Many find animals helpful.

If DD isn’t sleeping, you could request melatonin. Although many GPs won’t prescribe it without it being initiated by paeds or CAMHS. Therefore, you should request a referral to paeds, CAMHS &/or a sleep clinic. Encourage DD to go to bed and get up at normal times. Being awake all night and sleeping all day won’t help.

When you say DD isn't eating, how much exactly is she eating? Will she take a multivitamin?

For you, accepting that you can’t magically fix things no matter how much you which you can.

I was advised by CAMHS to do lots of positive affirmations to try and drown out negative thoughts. I wrote things down with DD ,things like youve got beautiful curly hair, you are very kind, you are talented at art, youre very helpful, youre a fantastic sister etc etc
DD hated it and rejected it and tbh it felt a bit contrived at first but persistance paid off and it increased her self esteem and helped drown out negativity. Takes a quite while to see difference though so keep at it.
Fresh air and exercise are also good mood boosters but i know it can be hard to get them out of the house.
I wouldnt completely dismiss medication, it can be very helpful and has made a significant difference to DD ,but for a child it needs to be prescribed by child and adolescent psychiatrist so via CAMHS or privately but not GP .
Its worth pushing for CAMHS referral from school or GP or you may be able to self refer ,also ask for referral to ASC pathway to investigate potential autism. Autusm in girls is often missed as they are good at masking until they cant cope and it all goes wrong.
I agree that unless DCs behaviour negatively impact others within school their needs do often go under the radar

Both runner and bounce have suggested ideas I was thinking of

My D's needs to be challenged as his asd makes him quite negative and it's surprising how the words we use can affect how we feel..
I.e "there's no point in me doing X as won't make me feel better"
"I can try doing x to see if it helps even a little bit"

You won't think it makes a difference but over time,definately

We use lots breathing techniques here(which I can share),and distractions like adult colouring books(D's loves the intricate ones by Kirby rosanes which you can buy cheaply at the works)
Sensory activities are surprisingly useful- resets like running hands under very cold tap,sniffing peppermint,rosemary or other essential oil that is quite strong/pungent(but pleasant) or chewing gum/sucking on a mint
Dd2 likes bouncing(mini trampoline indoors)or you can buy lavender scented play DOH

We also are big walkers which is excellent way to remove the cortisol build up from be stressed out.dd2 loves going out and walking barefoot in grass where possible/safe to do so<no dog mess or glass etc>

Sleep needs routines no matter how much there are complaints.mine are made to get up or I keep banging around ,hoovering,coming upstairs "to put things away"etc even in the holidays by 8,9 at latest as experience taught me if they get out of habit reining back in is verging on impossible for over a month.not good when September arrives and everyone's overtired,overstimulated and stressed!
Good bedtime habits include blue light glasses if can't win the stay off tech at leastcouple hours before bed(always off an hour before tho.reading,listening music,colouring,magic painting or diamond art are all popular here)initially lots more effort but the gains make it worthwhile and I do think easier implement during hold than during term time when school stresses make it very hard to get anywhere

And don't apologise for how often you post
We understand x

@Stilllivinginazoo @Runnerduck34 @1bounceforward2back and anyone else who offered me wise words and support under a previous name.

Thank you all so much.

CAMHS finally came through for us in December 2022 after leaving us in the wind for the previous two years. Two years of multiple hospital admissions following self harm.

My DD1 sat her GCSE exams last June. All of them. And did well. Her classroom attendance during the year had been around 30%. In school attendance about 50%.

She started sixth form and is doing well. Don't get me wrong, there have been relapses and I remain concerned about support when she ages out of CAMHS later this year.

I couldn't have imagined reaching this level of "normal". Thank you for being here in the club no one wants to be a member of, but here we are

@liz4change I'm so pleased you are able to share some huge steps forward for your D's.

The future always easily evokes fear of what might be,but she's not who she was at the beginning.there maybe bumps in the road ahead,but lessons learned and resilience built there's the chance of new chapters

If you ever need us there's always someone here,and any other news good or bad please feel free to share❤️

help catching anxiety early is a blessing if at all possible,less time for unhelpful coping /habits to build
If prayer offers her comfort that is also a very valid source of mental health support- having faith is proven to promote a sense of well being as the sense of loneliness is lessened

Where I live there are other options available,not just CAMHS that offer free support for anxiety,self harm,and other issues teens have.worth looking to see if your area offers this service too?I know a number of files locally who have benefited from it.they are counsellor,not psychiatrist/psychologists but they do have a wealth of resources available and are well respected in my county

Anxiety can cause so many thoughts rushing around it's can be the focus of attention
Learning to filter it down takes time and practise x

@liz4change that is lovely to hear. What are adult services like near you? Could DD transition to their care once she is too old for CAMHS?

helpddgrow as difficult as it is to accept, you can’t fix DD’s friendship difficulties. As Zoo rightly posted, anxiety can cause concentration difficulties. You also posted DD wasn’t eating, you didn’t expand on that but if you literally meant not eating anything that will be affecting her concentration too. Not sleeping can reduce concentration as well. It could also be disassociation. Are you receiving all the benefits you are entitled to?

Friendship difficulties aren’t something you can fix, though. You can’t turn back the clock and change what has happened, you can force others to be friends, etc. You can do things to help DD, but you can’t fix the friendship difficulties themselves.

Have you looked at UC? The maximum income families with disabled DC can earn before they are no longer eligible is higher than many realise.

Honestly the thing is her anxiety would be so much lower if her friends had not ditched her.

This made it sound like DD is anxious because of what has happened with her previous friends. It was this I was replying to. It is this you cannot fix.