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Original poster

Not invited on holiday

404 replies

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:03

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this Sad

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about Sad, we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip BlushSad

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 12/04/2022 18:15

Living? Loving…. Obviously.

WonderfulYou · 12/04/2022 18:15

I trust that she wouldn’t lie to me and will either tell me I’m being a fucking idiot and they went there for XYZ reason and it wasn’t a deliberate exclusion or she’ll tell me the reason why I was excluded, if I was.

Then wouldn’t she have told you beforehand if you were deliberately excluded or why they chose to not you.

WonderfulYou · 12/04/2022 18:15

Do they all work together or have a hobby together?

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:17

@Heythere13

I suspect it won’t “ruin their trip”, nor will they “be embarrassed”

If anything like the indignant message we received from someone on my friend’s hen do… they will be baffled that the messanger thought they would be invited given not regarded at all as close friend. Then they will move on without another thought.

Thanks for that. Made me feel sooooo much better Hmm
OP posts:
oakleaffy · 12/04/2022 18:18

[quote semicharmed]@pictish I might wait until they come back and send your message to my closest friend within the group. I trust that she wouldn’t lie to me and will either tell me I’m being a fucking idiot and they went there for XYZ reason and it wasn’t a deliberate exclusion or she’ll tell me the reason why I was excluded, if I was.

Thank you all for being gentle with me, I feel like a bit of a fragile child today Sad[/quote]
Stuff like this zaps us right back to childhood.

A very good made for TV film “ Good and bad at games” features these group dynamics alarmingly accurately.

It was with men, but resonated with many people at the time.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:18

@MolkosTeenageAngst

Has the dog always come on the previous trips? If so I would guess he is the problem. You say you would have happily left him behind but maybe your friends didn’t realise that and either assumed you would want to bring him or would have felt that they had to extend the invite to him being as he’s been before. Even if you adore dogs having one on holiday definitely changes the dynamic in terms of planning days out and meals etc so maybe this is why they chose not to invite you, because it felt easier than trying to explain your dog wasn’t welcome.
The dog has nothing to do with this, let’s not focus on him Confused

We’ve all brought our dogs out with us, my dog has nothing to do with this at all!

OP posts:
Yoohoo778611 · 12/04/2022 18:19

Id send a message you say that you don't want to ruin their trip but they haven't cared that they are hurting you.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:19

[quote TizerorFizz]@semicharmed
One persons idea the others went along with?! So that makes it ok then?

As for living them like sisters? Really. That’s a bit OTT. You said you trained together. You didn’t come out of the same womb.[/quote]
And yes. Some people are very close with their friends. It isn’t OTT to love your friends.

OP posts:
DFOD · 12/04/2022 18:22

How is asking now being a drama llama or spoiling it?

Ask your closest friend for some clarity.

It’s up to her then to bring it to the wider group and risk spoiling the vibe or she can just be honest and reassure you.

Don’t stew - be authentic open and assertive. You have agency - use it.

It isn’t a confrontation it’s a request for clarification.

I am concerned that you have a long email drafted out - that’s dangerous and suggests to me that you have spirelled your thoughts with lots of negative assumptions.

Instead be open to ask a short “why?” allowing your friend the opportunity to explain. Assume positive intent - you have no idea if one of the party has bad news / private situation to deal with.

Work on being calm and assertive by taking a simple action rather than escalating your own anxiety which will inevitably leave you potentially unnecessarily brittle and bitter which your friends will sense and not like.

Sort it out - gently and open mindedly.

If there is a simple explanation you will be relieved if there isn’t and you were actively treated badly then you can start working on moving away from this group sooner rather than later. However I suspect it is the former if all you have sensed is reciprocal sisterly love - so get that confirmed and get back to enjoying your day.

TeaKlaxon · 12/04/2022 18:22

@semicharmed

I’m trying to think of scenarios that could have arisen that would make me feel better. It could have been that the couple within the group (A+B) went on a trip away together and stopped off via C’s house (who D was possibly staying with as they are good friends) and C+D have perhaps tagged along on A+B’s planned trip? That would make sense as they’ve gone about 400 miles away and C lives about halfway. I’m not close enough with C to stay with her just the two of us, and whilst I am closest with A+B, I wouldn’t have invited myself away with them unless asked.

The above makes sense and I would like it to be the case as nobody is the bad guy. I’ll keep you posted Smile

So if you're not close enough to C to spend a night at their house, it may just be possible that C was doing the organising and invited those closest to them?

As I say, groups are tricky. Once you get beyond two or three people, the dynamics are a bit messy.

Like I said above, when my friend's friend (X) organised a weekend away, X didn't invite me. That pissed me off a bit as I'd actually tried to be really inclusive of X during lockdown. They were frequently within my rule of 6 when that was a requirement, just because they lived on their own and were relatively new to my city - I'm not close with them but my good friend is. But although I was a bit peeved, I wasn't hurt by X not thinking to invite me.

But I was hurt when I discovered two of my closest friends, who I often go away with, A and B, were invited and were going. I was invited later when A and B realised I wasn't invited - but by then I'd missed ticket sales for an event and felt a bit of an afterthought.

What really hurt though was my insecurity that maybe A and B, who I'd always thought of as being in a friendship group with me, were developing a friendship group that was just as close with X. If it was just A and X, or B and X I wouldn't have minded. But the X, A and B together triggered lots of insecurity.

It's totally normal.

But I would address it in person with the person you're closest too and take it from there.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:23

@MolkosTeenageAngst

Has the dog always come on the previous trips? If so I would guess he is the problem. You say you would have happily left him behind but maybe your friends didn’t realise that and either assumed you would want to bring him or would have felt that they had to extend the invite to him being as he’s been before. Even if you adore dogs having one on holiday definitely changes the dynamic in terms of planning days out and meals etc so maybe this is why they chose not to invite you, because it felt easier than trying to explain your dog wasn’t welcome.
He came on one trip, where we had specifically booked a dog friendly accommodation in a dog friendly for someone else in the group to bring her dog...before I even got my dog. The other dog then didn’t come because he was unwell. My dog then because it was already booked to accommodate for a dog before I even got him.

So no, it isn’t the dog

OP posts:
SergeantCatFlap · 12/04/2022 18:23

Just ask them. If there is something broken in the group, then you'll find out now or later anyway. There is no real difference in asking now - get it over with and maybe it will put your mind a rest.

DebtheSander · 12/04/2022 18:24

@wheretonow123

Only sporadic contact on FB with the mutual friend who tried to broach the subject.

I did try to make an effort for a good year or so. But I never really got over why Friend A lied. Everything she had told me about the day was nonsense. So very, very strange. It was a long time ago now but it taught me a very valuable lesson to not assume that what you feel about a friendship is reciprocated.

But that is why I would advise that @semicharmed talks to the friend in the group she is closest to. The dynamics have most definitely changed in the group and she deserves to know what happened. Someone, somewhere along the line will have decided to set up a separate group chat. Then invite others and not the OP. This is not a “we bumped into each other and went out for lunch”. This is planned and deliberate. The OP may never truly know why but does have the right to know who.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/04/2022 18:27

*The dog has nothing to do with this, let’s not focus on him

We’ve all brought our dogs out with us, my dog has nothing to do with this at all!*

Have they brought their dogs on this trip? Sorry, but the fact you’ve immediately gotten really defensive at the mere mention that it could be related to your dog makes me think it’s even more likely to be part of the reason! I’m not suggesting there is anything wrong with your dog or that they dislike him personally, but if you’re taking it personally that I’ve suggested he could be part of the reason are you sure you wouldn’t have taken the suggestion to leave him at home from your friends personally?

Bottom line is you don’t know why they’ve left you out, hence posting here. I’m not saying it is the dog but it’s not an impossible suggestion! You say you’re all equally close and that you’ve always been on trips with them before so there’s clearly something that’s made them decide not to invite you this time. I was just suggesting the dog as a possibility and as you don’t know the reason I don’t see how you can say with 100% certainty he’s not the issue, unless you are withholding more info?

Jetstream · 12/04/2022 18:28

Say something if you think you can handle it. They might decide to blame you in some form or another.
Otherwise it’s really time to find new friends through hobbies, interests or volunteering.
It’s not you at all, they sound like a bunch of teenage girls at school.

ErinAndTonic · 12/04/2022 18:28

@Cherrysoup

I’d be devastated. I’d have to message my mate to ask wtaf.
This!
DogsNotMen · 12/04/2022 18:29

I’d put a comment on one of the photos. Yes it’s childish but I wouldn’t be able to stop myself

TizerorFizz · 12/04/2022 18:29

@semicharmed
But the group are not begs img like sisters. I’m very sorry but you are deluded. My DD thought the uni girls were her friends. They lied. You have one take on sisterly love and they are not reciprocating. Maybe they are suffocated by it. I would be I think. Most people move on in this situation and accept some might be friends but others are not.

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/04/2022 18:30

I would be upset to. I’m sorry that they are treating you like this.

I’m not as nice as you so would be tempted to comment on the post with something simple like ‘have fun!’
It wouldn’t make me feel better though.

sisuwasabellend · 12/04/2022 18:31

@MsTSwift

Very hurtful but you can’t say anything. Just makes it worse and you look like a whiner even less likely to be asked in future. Hard but true.
Not true at all. It's only "whiny" to seethe about issues in silence. Or on online forums.
Useranon1 · 12/04/2022 18:31

OP please ignore the people who are being dicks. Mumsnet attracts the worst in some people.

You have done nothing wrong and said nothing which indicates a degree of overbearing or deserving of being excluded.

Please do ask. You said you would hate to hear why but believe me the reasons you come up with for yourself will plague you more than the truth.

ItsLisaLou · 12/04/2022 18:31

I really feel for you OP, I’m just as sensitive and anxious about these things so can really understand your reaction. It happened to me once and to this day I still have moments where I wonder what was/is so fundamentally wrong with me that I got rejected by people I thought were friends. You know what though? If I could change one thing, it’s that I would have asked them directly at the time.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:32

@MolkosTeenageAngst

*The dog has nothing to do with this, let’s not focus on him

We’ve all brought our dogs out with us, my dog has nothing to do with this at all!*

Have they brought their dogs on this trip? Sorry, but the fact you’ve immediately gotten really defensive at the mere mention that it could be related to your dog makes me think it’s even more likely to be part of the reason! I’m not suggesting there is anything wrong with your dog or that they dislike him personally, but if you’re taking it personally that I’ve suggested he could be part of the reason are you sure you wouldn’t have taken the suggestion to leave him at home from your friends personally?

Bottom line is you don’t know why they’ve left you out, hence posting here. I’m not saying it is the dog but it’s not an impossible suggestion! You say you’re all equally close and that you’ve always been on trips with them before so there’s clearly something that’s made them decide not to invite you this time. I was just suggesting the dog as a possibility and as you don’t know the reason I don’t see how you can say with 100% certainty he’s not the issue, unless you are withholding more info?

Because I don’t know why you just assumed he was the reason despite me having only mentioned his existence on the off chance Confused

They’ve not brought their dogs because they’d probably die walking more than a few yards due to their breeds whereas mine is the only dog suited to the trip. If he wasn’t invited then that would be more than fine as sometimes I would also like a break from the dog which would be hard to come by in a tent

OP posts:
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:34

[quote TizerorFizz]@semicharmed
But the group are not begs img like sisters. I’m very sorry but you are deluded. My DD thought the uni girls were her friends. They lied. You have one take on sisterly love and they are not reciprocating. Maybe they are suffocated by it. I would be I think. Most people move on in this situation and accept some might be friends but others are not.[/quote]
Does it make you feel good about yourself to go out of your way to make someone else feel terrible? Why would you even say that?

I have explained that I am not an overbearing friend, I don’t declare my love at every moment, I don’t say or do anything that they don’t do. Confused

OP posts:
queensonia · 12/04/2022 18:36

I'd be feeling exactly the same as you. It's incredibly hurtful. I'd message them when they get back saying it looks like they had a great time and you're surprised you didn't know they were going because there was nothing about it on the group chats.
I'd frame it as "surprise" rather than "devastated and disappointed" to keep a bit of dignity.

There's a slim chance that there may be a non-hurtful reason why you weren't invited but if you don't find out one way or another it is going to keep eating you up. Once you have the facts then you can decide how much you want to want to invest in this friendship in the future.