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Original poster

Not invited on holiday

404 replies

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:03

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this Sad

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about Sad, we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip BlushSad

OP posts:
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:41

I’ve just spoken to DP and started to explain what I now think has happened and he thinks it makes perfect sense - A+B (the couple) going to visit C as she lives along the way, D happening to be visiting C and them all going together because staying at C’s would be cheeky if she wasn’t then going with them on the trip.

I think that is actually far more likely than a group of friends who are as close as we are to randomly drop friends from the group whilst maintaining the full group chat as regularly as it is, with no change in tone or indication that someone isn’t liked. I will seek to find out as on reflection and speaking to my DP who is more sane than I am, it seems a more likely scenario.

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CombatBarbie · 12/04/2022 18:42

OP you are going to be stewing on this til they get back and then you may find the answer heartbreaking anyway so it seems like you are delaying the inevitable (understandably) but also with enhanced anxiety because you need to know why.

They aren't sparing your feelings so why spare theirs, and if its an innocent explanation then you won't ruin the trip? The fact you keep posting shows this is bothering you!

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:43

But glad some posters got to stick the boot in and tell me I am ‘suffocating’ and basically deserved it Smile I hope it made your day better to be able to do that Flowers

OP posts:
Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 18:48

@semicharmed

But glad some posters got to stick the boot in and tell me I am ‘suffocating’ and basically deserved it Smile I hope it made your day better to be able to do that Flowers
But op Read your thread You’ve done an about turn from thinking these friends that you “love like sisters” are “rubbing your nose in it” to…. All seems fine actually. It is a touch odd
Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 18:50

* I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been exclude*

But three hours later you’ve concluded that all fine

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:51

Because I will drive myself fucking bananas if I don’t at least try and ignore my own anxiety once in a while. I take it you’ve never struggled with anxiety and the things you can truly convince yourself? You get tunnel vision and can think of nothing else until you take a minute to ground yourself and think logically.

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sarah77Boo · 12/04/2022 18:53

I'd have to pull one of the most approachable friends to ask quietly if I'd done something to be excluded or I'd drive myself absolutely potty stewing on it. It could be the most innocent explanation like someone thought you were doing something else because they got dates mixed up or you could have, in worst case scenario, managed to upset one of them without knowing. I'd have to know either way, it would make me crazy as I'm super over sensitive. I've cried before now because my SIL forgot to invite my son to his cousins party when she had all the other cousins there. I'm a bit too delicate and need to remind myself not everyone thinks of others feelings at all times and some never do! On the other side of the coin if you've upset one of them you can't fix it without knowing. I'd have to nip it in the bud!

OakRowan · 12/04/2022 18:54

I think that of you have the issues of anxiety and fear of abandonment that you describe on here you are absolutely not helping yourself by posting a long thread about it on here, then getting upset at other.posters who have different opinions. You a

Terfydactyl · 12/04/2022 18:54

@Cakeandcardio

Let me tell you in no uncertain times that these people will think they can be bitches and treat you how they want. They will have mob mentality with the posting online and justify it with something you may have done. But if you just cut them loose and absolutely ignore them, they will be shocked to the core. I suggest just completely ignoring them. I've done the same thing in a similar situation. The other person was so smug and high and mighty. Then I just cut them loose. It shocked them. So do it. If they ever ask why, just say you didn't want to be friends with a group who could exclude you so easily. It will hurt like fuck initially but you can do so much better.
Yup, OP I had a similar thing happen but it was 12 close (so I thought) friends not coming to my 40th birthday. Never spoke to any of them after that. Never even looked them up, there is nothing they could say to take that hurt away. They were involved in the planning and everything. And it's over a decade later and I can still get pissed off, not because they didnt come, because one had the cake, one had the wine and champagne etc.
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:54

@Heythere13

* I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been exclude*

But three hours later you’ve concluded that all fine

What do you want? Do you want me to go in all guns blazing and accuse my friends of secretly hating me, or would you rather I listen to my more rational mind telling me that there is probably a logical explanation?

That is literally how anxiety works. I’m quite pleased I’ve managed to pull back from this one with a logical explanation, and you all just happen to be here to see it. I said from the start that this was a thought dumping thread to stop me saying things in real life. You don’t have to follow it 🤷🏼‍♀️

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OakRowan · 12/04/2022 18:56

Are reinforcing your own problems and making it worse for yourself doing this. It isn't healthy, your mh problems are your responsibility to tackle, not theirs, or people on here. The only people you can ask are your friends, done in the right way as suggested loads of times already it need not cause you the anguish you are showing on here. This is an excellent opportunity for you to seek some therapy, treatment, actively tackle the problems that this has brought to the surface for you.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:56

Au contraire. By hashing it out and putting my thoughts in here, with strangers, I have possibly prevented myself from making a total idiot of myself to my friends. I have arrived at a conclusion that makes sense, which I might not ever have reached if I just sat at home and stewed on it alone, or if I messaged them as soon as I saw it.

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Strangeways19 · 12/04/2022 18:57

Maybe you could just say on the page "hey guys you look like you're having a good time when was that arranged - how did I miss it?!"
A bit passive aggressive but I wouldn't care at this point I think they deserve to squirm a bit too.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:58

@OakRowan

Are reinforcing your own problems and making it worse for yourself doing this. It isn't healthy, your mh problems are your responsibility to tackle, not theirs, or people on here. The only people you can ask are your friends, done in the right way as suggested loads of times already it need not cause you the anguish you are showing on here. This is an excellent opportunity for you to seek some therapy, treatment, actively tackle the problems that this has brought to the surface for you.
So hide the thread if you don’t want to listen to me talk about my mental health problems, it isn’t difficult. Patronising me talking about therapy and treatment as if it has never occurred to me isn’t helpful.
OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 12/04/2022 18:58

@semicharmed

Three of us not invited. One never comes to anything and works away but I ALWAYS ask her when I do the organising, and the other hasn’t been asked either and I think is also quite upset but is very shy and probably will never say a word about it.
So you aren’t the only one
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:59

It is quite possible I have engineered all of this in my head, so asking my friends would have made me look like a lunatic if I went in with the disordered and illogical thoughts I was having this morning. Of course my mental health is my responsibility and not theirs, which is exactly why I came here first and didn’t just dump all of this in the group chat.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 12/04/2022 19:00

Whoops hit post message

the pics from xxx look great - I would have loved to come along too so just wondered if there was a reason I wasn’t invited? I have to admit I feel a bit hurt that everyone has gone away without asking me if I would like to come” that’s just how I would deal with it though.

This as well

Tho if not all were invited …..

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 19:00

@Blondeshavemorefun

Whoops hit post message

the pics from xxx look great - I would have loved to come along too so just wondered if there was a reason I wasn’t invited? I have to admit I feel a bit hurt that everyone has gone away without asking me if I would like to come” that’s just how I would deal with it though.

This as well

Tho if not all were invited …..

RTFT
OP posts:
OakRowan · 12/04/2022 19:01

Au contraire? Steady on. Its not healthy to stew and I.agine the worst and post and post and post exaggerated thoughts and fears, making it all worse for next time. You could've just asked them, instead you've filled pages with internal upset, mind reading them all, that doesn't make it easier next time you have to deal with something that triggers you, you make it harder, deeper, stronger if you ruminate on things like this so much. Have you never had any support or treatment? Do you use your friendship group like this, to go over unhappy things?

Ahgoonyegirlye · 12/04/2022 19:01

Only 4 out of 7 going COMPLETELY changes things, and you know it.
Like I tell me kids, everyone can’t be invited to everything all the time…

Partyatnumber10 · 12/04/2022 19:01

@semicharmed

But glad some posters got to stick the boot in and tell me I am ‘suffocating’ and basically deserved it Smile I hope it made your day better to be able to do that Flowers
I'm sorry you're upset op, because honestly if this was me I'd be in floods too. However, I don't think posters who are suggesting reasons are trying to "put the boot in" Rather, people are trying to get you to see different perspectives about how/why this has happened. Group dynamics are tricky and we're often not honest and up front about the issues we have within a group. Your explanation of the couple visiting C...etc is possible, it's also possible that they're just an unpleasant group that you need to back away from. But there are also a range of other possibilities. None of them mean that you're a bad person but it may just be worthwhile having an honest conversation to see if you can resolve things.
Londoncallingme · 12/04/2022 19:01

Say something!
You can’t enjoy the friendship after this anyway, not with this issue festering - perhaps they emailed you and you missed it and they are all wondering why you ignored, or perhaps they just left you out.
But you have to just be totally upfront and ask, either all or one of them.
It’s no good leaving cryptic messages, what’s the point in that? Just ask them why you weren’t invited.

cherish123 · 12/04/2022 19:02

I would not confront. There may be a genuine reason why you weren't invited. See if you can work.out why you weren't. If there is no reason, I'd distance myself from them.

Ahgoonyegirlye · 12/04/2022 19:02

They aren’t laughing at you, I’m sure they didn’t give you a single thought.
That’s reality.
But yes, so speak to them and say you’re hurt at not being invited.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 19:02

This is now turning into me defending my mental health issues to strangers who don’t understand the impact it can have so I don’t think it’s going to be helpful to me anymore.

Thank you to the kind posters who have patiently listened to me unpack and offload but I should probably hide the thread now before I slip back into convincing myself of more nonsense.

OP posts: