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Original poster

Not invited on holiday

404 replies

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:03

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this Sad

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about Sad, we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip BlushSad

OP posts:
HopeIsNotAStrategy · 12/04/2022 17:50

@pictish

Aw OP this is a sad thing. It would eat at me so I’d have to ask…”Is there a reason I wasn’t included in the camping trip? I have to ask because I’m afraid I have upset someone or done something wrong and I’d like a chance to resolve it if I can.” Something like that…brings it out in the open without accusation.
I think this is wise advice OP. I'm sorry this has upset you. Have an un -MN hug. ().
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 17:54

@pictish I might wait until they come back and send your message to my closest friend within the group. I trust that she wouldn’t lie to me and will either tell me I’m being a fucking idiot and they went there for XYZ reason and it wasn’t a deliberate exclusion or she’ll tell me the reason why I was excluded, if I was.

Thank you all for being gentle with me, I feel like a bit of a fragile child today Sad

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 12/04/2022 17:55

@pictish

Aw OP this is a sad thing. It would eat at me so I’d have to ask…”Is there a reason I wasn’t included in the camping trip? I have to ask because I’m afraid I have upset someone or done something wrong and I’d like a chance to resolve it if I can.” Something like that…brings it out in the open without accusation.
I'd do this.

At least initially.

And then, because I'm such a big wean, I'd probably go for the nuclear option and leave both group chats, regardless of the answer they give. Grin.

Bjarnum · 12/04/2022 17:55

This situation seems to occur a lot. People are horrible. Often for no reason other than they can. Call them out on it - you don't have much to lose they are not your friends. But giving them a few uncomfortable moments might make them think twice before doing it to someone else.

TeaKlaxon · 12/04/2022 17:57

Group dynamics can be hard. You mention that you're closer to one or two of the four. That's totally normal. I have two very close friends. We often go away with different combinations of friends. I've only ever been away when it's just the three of us, but have been away lots when its the three of us plus X and Y, or the three of us plus A and B etc.

If both of those friends went away without me, I'd be very hurt. But if X and Y, or A and B went away without be I wouldn't. Even though we're friends who have been away together.

So it is possible that some of the group feel less close to you than they do the others. That's not a reflection on you but also not a reflection on them. It can be crap if you feel close to them but they don't reciprocate.

I would dismiss the advice of anyone telling you to make pass ag comments - you're a grown-up so just address it head on. I think doing it in person, over a coffee with the person you're closest to would be best. No game playing 'oh what were you up to last week' traps. Just a direct 'I felt quite hurt that you guys went away without inviting me and wanted to see if there was any particular reason?'

If there is no reason, or a very flimsy reason, then you might need to distance yourself from the group and focus on people who make you feel better about yourself. If there's a reason like 'Oh, X organised it and she doesn't feel as close to you and the other two who weren't invited' then that gives you something to go on. You can then decide whether to ignore X and focus on others in the group, or to distance yourself completely.

Ilostit · 12/04/2022 17:59

Just ask now? Why wait for them to come back?

BowerOfBramble · 12/04/2022 18:02

I would message the one you're closest to and keep it simple. "Hi Friend, just saw you're on holiday with the girls. Hate to admit it but I'm a bit gutted not to be invited - can I ask why?"

Worst case scenario is you lose the friendships but if you don't ask, you may keep them but they'll be worthless as you won't know why.

BTW I have done this - asked - before and been told things like "X organised it and she doesn't know you well", "we wanted to keep things smaller this time" or "you said you were busy this weekend" all of which were kind of fine in different ways!

BoodleBug51 · 12/04/2022 18:03

Thing is, it's going to be as awkward as hell from now on whether you say something or not. You're going to be aware you have a group chat that you're not on, and they do things without you.

I'd honestly take the higher road and move on without them. They're just going to make you feel shit about yourself time and time again because you're going to constantly question your value to them.

You're worth better, surely Flowers

NurseBernard · 12/04/2022 18:03

Some people just can’t resist social media, can they?

They go to great lengths to keep the trip a secret while arranging it, silently not saying a thing, and even obviously setting up a seperate group chat to organise it.

But all that goes out the window once there, and the compulsion to share on social media becomes too great.

What’s the point of the former, if you’re going to do the latter? Just be open about it.

OP - I’m really sorry you’re in this position. They obviously have no issue with you knowing about the trip. So surely it’s going to look odd if you don’t ask?

pictish’s suggestion is a good one.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:04

@Ilostit

Just ask now? Why wait for them to come back?
As pathetic as it sounds, I don’t want to ruin their trip and if it turns out to have been one person’s idea, I don’t want to make things awkward for them while they are all stuck up a mountain together.

Rightly or wrongly, I’m quite weak when it comes to confrontation (with people I love or like, anyway) and I don’t want to risk being the cause of someone else feeling how I feel. That’s the only way I can explain it. I know it makes me sound like a tree-hugging drip but that’s how I am Blush

OP posts:
TabithaHazel · 12/04/2022 18:04

I think you should ask them now - so what if it makes them feel uncomfortable, they must have known how uncomfortable this would make you feel so why spare their feelings. It could just be a case of crossed wires though, maybe someone mentioned it to you and you declined as you'd misunderstood or they weren't clear?

Choice4567 · 12/04/2022 18:05
Flowers
Echobelly · 12/04/2022 18:05

I'd wait as asking during the holiday could open one up to accusations of being a drama llama/spoiling it for other people - even if those are totally unfair. It's all more under OP's control if they ask closest friend afterward.

Saltyquiche · 12/04/2022 18:07

Are you the poster who declined a holiday abroad with a friendship group and after was disappointed they then booked the holiday without your inclusion

Angryattrackandtrace · 12/04/2022 18:09

I’ve had something very similar to me. I have anxiety and I can’t even tell you how much I thought and Uber thought and over thought some more about it.

Actually, I had a little counselling to help me deal with it as I wept for days and I know that’s not a normal response.

I sometimes think I’m over it and feel great, and then I see something else on social media and I have that gut wrenching feeling for days. I’ve muted most of them on social media now. Sorry you’re hurting OP. Everyone says “get new friends” but it’s not that simple is it… it doesn’t stop the hurt. 🤷🏻‍♀️

oakleaffy · 12/04/2022 18:09

@semicharmed
This is something I have had experience of, as a teenager- groups are very strange, usually there is a “ Ringleader “ a lieutenant, and various arselickers-

I have never been one for “Groups” , one to ones are much better.

It is quite a common scenario, unfortunately, a group coalesces like frogspawn, leaving someone out for whatever reason.
Don’t be their scapegoat-
You are worth so much more.
🙂

NurseBernard · 12/04/2022 18:09

There’s no point encouraging the OP to just ask now.

Aside from it coming across like people are wanting an update for their own gratification, it isn’t how the OP (IMO understandably) wants to handle it.

oakleaffy · 12/04/2022 18:10

Social media is shite!
It’s usually used as a boast - fest.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:12

I’m trying to think of scenarios that could have arisen that would make me feel better. It could have been that the couple within the group (A+B) went on a trip away together and stopped off via C’s house (who D was possibly staying with as they are good friends) and C+D have perhaps tagged along on A+B’s planned trip? That would make sense as they’ve gone about 400 miles away and C lives about halfway. I’m not close enough with C to stay with her just the two of us, and whilst I am closest with A+B, I wouldn’t have invited myself away with them unless asked.

The above makes sense and I would like it to be the case as nobody is the bad guy. I’ll keep you posted Smile

OP posts:
Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 18:12

I suspect it won’t “ruin their trip”, nor will they “be embarrassed”

If anything like the indignant message we received from someone on my friend’s hen do… they will be baffled that the messanger thought they would be invited given not regarded at all as close friend. Then they will move on without another thought.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 18:12

@Saltyquiche

Are you the poster who declined a holiday abroad with a friendship group and after was disappointed they then booked the holiday without your inclusion
No?
OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/04/2022 18:13

Has the dog always come on the previous trips? If so I would guess he is the problem. You say you would have happily left him behind but maybe your friends didn’t realise that and either assumed you would want to bring him or would have felt that they had to extend the invite to him being as he’s been before. Even if you adore dogs having one on holiday definitely changes the dynamic in terms of planning days out and meals etc so maybe this is why they chose not to invite you, because it felt easier than trying to explain your dog wasn’t welcome.

TeaKlaxon · 12/04/2022 18:14

@TabithaHazel

I think you should ask them now - so what if it makes them feel uncomfortable, they must have known how uncomfortable this would make you feel so why spare their feelings. It could just be a case of crossed wires though, maybe someone mentioned it to you and you declined as you'd misunderstood or they weren't clear?
This could be the case. There could genuinely be crossed wires, and it's good to give them a chance to clear it up if so. Though I think its a conversation better had in person.

I have so many whatsapp groups with different permutations of friends. Not because of trying to exclude anyone. But for example, a few years ago some of my friend group and I went on holiday. Others were invited but couldn't come. The Whatsapp group for that holiday (set up specifically so people could discuss flights, hotels etc) then got used for other things after the holiday. Because it had most of the people I might invite to a dinner party, say, or most of the people I might suggest going to the cinema with.

Of course I wasn't until another similar group gets resurrected by a friend who isn't on that group that I even remember that it doesn't have all my friends on it.

I've been the 'victim' of that too. A couple of years ago, a friend messaged me to ask if I wanted to go on a weekend away. I was pleased to be asked (as it was a regular weekend they tended to do with another friend who I wasn't close to, so I'd never been before). Then I discovered that actually the plans had been made a couple of months before by my friend's friend (who I know but am not close to) and a couple of mutual friends were invited right at the start. They then realised that they'd just completely forgotten to invite me - it was a combination of the friend's friend being not so close to me, and them not checking the membership of the whatsapp group. I was a bit hurt and really didn't want to go if I was an afterthought. As it turned out I had a clash anyway and couldn't go. But I did say to my friends who were invited that I was a bit hurt not to have been included at the outset - they held their hands up and admitted they'd messed up by not checking I was included earlier. Sometimes friends just mess up.

Is it possible that there was some event, or some occasion that they had to organise in the past that you couldn't make, and someone just used the whatsapp group for that occassion as a proxy to organise this trip for some reason?

Crankley · 12/04/2022 18:14

OP you're not alone, anyone would feel hurt. I wouldn't send them a message. Do you all often meet up? If so I would wait until then and ask the question. No time for them to come up with fancy excuses. Ask and wait for one of them to speak.

After that I would leave and dump them all as friends.

TizerorFizz · 12/04/2022 18:14

@semicharmed
One persons idea the others went along with?! So that makes it ok then?

As for living them like sisters? Really. That’s a bit OTT. You said you trained together. You didn’t come out of the same womb.