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Original poster

Not invited on holiday

404 replies

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:03

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this Sad

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about Sad, we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip BlushSad

OP posts:
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 17:20

@maddy68

I would just like the photo so they all know you have seen it.

Next time you see them I would ask if there was a reason you weren't invited it does seem odd. Is there another reason eg you can't get away without kids or you have mentioned being skint etc?

Nope. None of us have kids. I have a dog but that’s about it, and it’s the sort of trip he would have been able to come on (and loved!!)

Not skint, have actually changed my job to one with more social hours that they know was a big deal for me as it falls in line with many of their working hours.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/04/2022 17:21

@Gonnagetgoing

Sounds very hurtful and deliberate. You could ask them but beware they may make excuses as to why you weren’t invited.

An example re my friends. Once we all went to a historic place for a weekend and didn’t tell one person as she’d been very vocal in the past that she hated historical houses, castles etc but she enjoyed going away on weekend trips. One memorable time we went to Stratford on Avon and she whinged about us visiting Shakespeare’s houses and I think even went off with someone else in our group to do something different.

She was a bit put out that she hadn’t been invited by we told her, it was to Quarry bank mill and you told us you don’t like visiting historical houses/places of interest. Didn’t go into detail. The mill was our main thing to do. I couldn’t have coped with her moaning either!

So the kind thing to do would be to tell her that you knew she hated this thing but the rest of you wanted to do it and you'd do something she liked next time.

Keeping secrets/quiet is hurtful

pictish · 12/04/2022 17:21

Aw OP this is a sad thing. It would eat at me so I’d have to ask…”Is there a reason I wasn’t included in the camping trip? I have to ask because I’m afraid I have upset someone or done something wrong and I’d like a chance to resolve it if I can.”
Something like that…brings it out in the open without accusation.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 17:23

@WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV

But if you truly are like sisters what’s the problem asking them op?
Because I struggle so badly with feelings of abandonment and the worry that everyone in my life secretly hates me (that is purely my anxiety, and they know that is how it manifests) so the thought of hearing it coming from someone else’s mouth rather than from a made up voice inside my own head is terrifying. It sounds ridiculous and it’s so hard to explain unless you’ve ever felt like that.
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/04/2022 17:24

@MarriedThreeChildren

If you don’t want to ask them. Just mention it. Something along the lines of ‘Oh that sounds great. A lot like the trip we did together . I hope you have a lovely time. Next time you organise a trip again, let me know :)’

And thé see what sort if response you get.
A big silence will tell you a lot tbh.

All of that except the part asking to be included next time

Don't leave yourself open

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 17:25

Oh I’d never beg to go. Even I have more self respect than that!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/04/2022 17:26

@1forAll74

It wasn't really rubbed in your face,, but only because you use social media, and saw what they were up to.
And I'm sure they knew that!!
Saskatcha · 12/04/2022 17:28

That’s crap for you. I have a neighbour who I always thought was a close friend. She had a big birthday a few years ago. I took her and her son out and listened to her as she talked about some big struggles she was having with her group of friends. A couple of evenings later I walked past her house on my way to the shops and she was clearly having a birthday party. And they were all there. Including the one who had not been in touch with her for two years until the week before. We are still good friends and I’ll always be there for her but I’ll never forget how I felt at the time. I think she maybe likes keeping friends separate sometimes. Or she didn’t want me to know she was inviting them to things despite everything she had said. I’ll never ask and I’ll never know.

Partyatnumber10 · 12/04/2022 17:29

Nope. None of us have kids. I have a dog but that’s about it, and it’s the sort of trip he would have been able to come on (and loved!!)

Clutching at straws here op but could it be that some of the other group members don't love your dog as much as you do and this is a reason for the lack of invite?

My dsis regularly goes away with a group,one member insists that she has to bring the dog but it's ok because the dog is lovely, well behaved and likes being there.

Except that according to dsis who is no dog lover they then have to search for dog friendly places all the time which curtails activities, plus he is very yappy/barky which she finds annoying.

Have there been other trips that you've brought the dog on?

lunar1 · 12/04/2022 17:29

Your feelings are completely normal and valid. Someone in that group decided to change the dynamic is a spiteful and cowardly way.

Have they been messaging in your normal group while there?

Don't let anyone here minimise your feelings on this.

I think you owe it to yourself to ask, it may be one person who misled the others, in which case three friendships are salvageable.

Or there is the remote possibility that the other two have also become a couple-so it's turned into a couples holiday, in which case they could have just told you!

jampim · 12/04/2022 17:33

Hmm ok. I think it's slightly different if 4/7 went.

I'm in a friendship group where some of us are closer than others.

I'm very close to 3 of them, less so with others. Recently 4 of them went on a spa break for the birthday of one of the ones I'm less close to, to which I wasn't invited. I understood, the other 3 she would say were her best friends. I'm perfectly aware I'm not on of her best friends in the group. So I think that's ok.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 17:35

@Partyatnumber10

Nope. None of us have kids. I have a dog but that’s about it, and it’s the sort of trip he would have been able to come on (and loved!!)

Clutching at straws here op but could it be that some of the other group members don't love your dog as much as you do and this is a reason for the lack of invite?

My dsis regularly goes away with a group,one member insists that she has to bring the dog but it's ok because the dog is lovely, well behaved and likes being there.

Except that according to dsis who is no dog lover they then have to search for dog friendly places all the time which curtails activities, plus he is very yappy/barky which she finds annoying.

Have there been other trips that you've brought the dog on?

They all love him and they’re all ‘dog people’ who have or have had their own dogs. Mine wouldn’t have come with me unless explicitly invited by someone else, he’s more than happy to stay home with DP. I wouldn’t just assume I could bring him IYSWIM, it would only be if someone else suggested it.

He’s been on trips with us before but he’s always been invited, and was impeccably behaved and spent more time being fussed by them than he spent with me the whole trip Smile

OP posts:
Beautifulmonster87 · 12/04/2022 17:36

Ask for sure.
You’ll let it fester away and you’ll never know.
Be brave! You’re always going to wonder. It would really upset me but I’m blunt and would have to ask!

BlueOverYellow · 12/04/2022 17:38

"Wow. Didn't realise I'd been dumped. I'll just exit from the group chats so you don't have to use the one you've clearly set up behind my back to organise a camping trip without me."

They're not your friends. Friends would have at least said something, not hidden it until they were away and enjoying themselves without you.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 17:38

@jampim

Hmm ok. I think it's slightly different if 4/7 went.

I'm in a friendship group where some of us are closer than others.

I'm very close to 3 of them, less so with others. Recently 4 of them went on a spa break for the birthday of one of the ones I'm less close to, to which I wasn't invited. I understood, the other 3 she would say were her best friends. I'm perfectly aware I'm not on of her best friends in the group. So I think that's ok.

Not sure if you started typing this before I clarified, but there has always been the ‘ones who go away’ (which includes me) as the other two have always chosen not to go. I just don’t know how it’s come about that I have been removed from the ‘ones who go away’ if that makes sense. I get on well with everyone in the group and spend time with each of them individually, but there is one I know can be a bit mean. It’s just how she is, her mum and sisters are the same.
OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 12/04/2022 17:41

It certainly looks like shenanigans by the Queen Bee. Don't post anything on SM, just wait until they return then contact the one you're closest to.

Maternitynamechange · 12/04/2022 17:42

Could it be that someone instigated it all who perhaps you’re not closest to? And no one felt comfortable suggesting people to invite?

DebtheSander · 12/04/2022 17:42

I completely get where you are coming from @semicharmed. I had something similar many years ago. I was part of a group of 4 really close friends. Or so I thought.

Friend A was getting married to long term partner. Registry office with just 2 witnesses. I was so happy for her and completely understood her plans. And then on the day I found out that what she had told me in great detail wasn’t the case. Our 2 mutual friends were going. Plus other friends. To the registry office and then out for a big lunch.

I said nothing. It was her day, I had to keep quiet. But I was deeply hurt. One of our mutual friends clicked and tried to make excuses for Friend A. But the damage was done and the group slowly drifted apart.

All Friend A had to say was “We are having just a small day with a few friends. If we were able to invite more, we would have loved for you to come”. I would have wished her well, sent a present etc.

So like you, it’s more about the conversations that may well have gone on behind my back. The decisions behind the exclusion and what you are told or not told. There seems to be no reason to exclude you at all. You sound like a lovely friend. I would gently speak with the person the the group that you are most close to and find out more about what happened.

wheretonow123 · 12/04/2022 17:45

Someone suggested to just do a like on the photo on social media and leave it until the next time that you all meet up. I wouldnt do that as it would reinforce any comment made that you did not want to go.

I would send a factual statement into the group chat like others have suggested - do when it suits you either now or when the holiday is over.

You could then make a call on whether you want to leave the overall group chat - personally I would have that as a last resort as you will be losing a lot of ongoing contact that way. But if their reaction is such that you feel that your membership of the group is over then do that.

spotcheck · 12/04/2022 17:46

@MsTSwift

Very hurtful but you can’t say anything. Just makes it worse and you look like a whiner even less likely to be asked in future. Hard but true.
But why would she want to go with them in the future? Surely asking would put OP out of the misery of not knowing?
TwoleftUggs · 12/04/2022 17:46

I’m not sure why you are worrying about hurting their feelings or spoiling their trip by asking why you weren’t invited, or commenting on the photos. It’s not like they gave a fig about your feelings is it.

hookiewookie29 · 12/04/2022 17:46

What @Brefugee said....then dump them.
I'd have to comment- too many so called friends have walked over me in the past, I don't put up with it anymore.

Toponeniceone · 12/04/2022 17:48

You may as well ask as it's going to change anyway. Just short and factual: looks like a great trip, is there any reason I wasn't invited?

aprilsunshine777 · 12/04/2022 17:49

This is a really crappy thing to happen. I know it's not an easy conversation to have but I think you do need to speak to them about it. Otherwise it will just be niggling at you and it won't help your anxiety or feelings of abandonment.
I'd perhaps say something like "hey girls (or whatever you'd usually say), I noticed that you've all been away to xxxx and I wondered why I haven't been invited as we usually all go together?"

wheretonow123 · 12/04/2022 17:50

@DebtheSander

I completely get where you are coming from *@semicharmed*. I had something similar many years ago. I was part of a group of 4 really close friends. Or so I thought.

Friend A was getting married to long term partner. Registry office with just 2 witnesses. I was so happy for her and completely understood her plans. And then on the day I found out that what she had told me in great detail wasn’t the case. Our 2 mutual friends were going. Plus other friends. To the registry office and then out for a big lunch.

I said nothing. It was her day, I had to keep quiet. But I was deeply hurt. One of our mutual friends clicked and tried to make excuses for Friend A. But the damage was done and the group slowly drifted apart.

All Friend A had to say was “We are having just a small day with a few friends. If we were able to invite more, we would have loved for you to come”. I would have wished her well, sent a present etc.

So like you, it’s more about the conversations that may well have gone on behind my back. The decisions behind the exclusion and what you are told or not told. There seems to be no reason to exclude you at all. You sound like a lovely friend. I would gently speak with the person the the group that you are most close to and find out more about what happened.

Have you any contact with Friend A or the others anymore?