Page 11 | Not invited on holiday

semicharmed · 2022-04-12T14:03:45+00:00

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this [sad] I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year. I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about [sad], we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful. Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip [blush][sad]

EmoIsntDead · 12/04/2022 19:04

@BulletTrain

I couldn't leave this and pretend I didn't know. Don't be a doormat.

Me neither, I'd have to say something.

Bikeybikeface · 12/04/2022 19:04

Ignore the nasty witches OP, some people just love to stick the boot in. We have seven in my friendship group and sometimes one or the other can’t make it to something but we would alway invite everyone.

Angryattrackandtrace · 12/04/2022 19:05

WTF is wrong with some folk in this thread.

OP some people are mean, this thread is a perfect example of that.

Hope your friends have a reasonable excuse for their behaviour and your manage to get some sleep tonight without that churning feeling in your stomach x

dapsnotplimsolls · 12/04/2022 19:05

@semicharmed - ignore the unpleasant posters, most people have been supportive and understanding. It's IABU - you always get some posters who will attack the OP.

Waterfallgirl · 12/04/2022 19:06

@Bikeybikeface

Ignore the nasty witches OP, some people just love to stick the boot in. We have seven in my friendship group and sometimes one or the other can’t make it to something but we would alway invite everyone.

Yes this.

Just be honest, message all of them, ‘ I saw you went on a trip together at the weekend. I’d like to have come, any reason why I wasn’t invited?’

PaddingtonLostHisHat · 12/04/2022 19:06

I read another thread very like this. It turned out only one of the group deliberately left one friend out. The others all wondered why the one friend wasn't there but just assumed she hadn't been able to- until they got home and found out the truth.
I would be incredibly hurt too OP. I hope you get this sorted. The fact they've all happily put photos up for you to see makes me think someone's being devious and the others aren't aware.

Original poster

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 19:07

@OakRowan

Au contraire? Steady on. Its not healthy to stew and I.agine the worst and post and post and post exaggerated thoughts and fears, making it all worse for next time. You could've just asked them, instead you've filled pages with internal upset, mind reading them all, that doesn't make it easier next time you have to deal with something that triggers you, you make it harder, deeper, stronger if you ruminate on things like this so much. Have you never had any support or treatment? Do you use your friendship group like this, to go over unhappy things?

No. I have already explained that I never mention things that bother me to my friends and I am not a Debbie downer in real life! I deliberately posted anonymously as I don’t want my crazy thoughts to be connected to any of my ‘real life’ stuff.

I have also explained that I was not in any reasonable or rational frame of mind to be asking them anything this morning as I was angry and upset so anything I said to them might have reflected that. I have used this post to dump my own feelings and thoughts that might have caused damage if said in real life. You can hide the thread if you don’t like what you read, and everything I’ve written here will never have an impact on anyone I know, but if I had said them out loud to my friends I could have done a lot of damage. Can’t you understand that?

OP posts:

Pippbean · 12/04/2022 19:08

@semicharmed
I'm so sorry. This is the kind of thing that happens to me all of the time!
I always think well I wouldn't do that to someone, so why would they do it to me?
But people do. Then have the audacity to feel affronted when you confront them so I generally don't. It's quite incredible how people can't acknowledge how they've hurt you.
It's no reflection on you. I'm sure you are a really good friend :)

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/04/2022 19:09

I have RTFT

I still agree that you need to ask

And sorry your a and b, then going to c snd de bring there doesn’t make sense

You plan a camping trip

Not just tag along

Who is your good friend in this. C or d

bitchymcbitch · 12/04/2022 19:09

I would just comment 'looks like a lovely time being had by all' and leave it at that.

Of course your feelings are hurt OP, but people don't have to invite everyone to everything.

Personally, I wouldn't waste my energy on negative feelings. I doubt they have had a meeting and said 'let's not invite @semicharmed '.
They haven't abandoned you!
Probably they just planned a little thing and didn't want to put it to the whole group. Which isn't breaking any rules.

Smile, wish them well and then enjoy the times when you do come together

Original poster

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 19:10

@Angryattrackandtrace

WTF is wrong with some folk in this thread.

OP some people are mean, this thread is a perfect example of that.

Hope your friends have a reasonable excuse for their behaviour and your manage to get some sleep tonight without that churning feeling in your stomach x

I actually do feel a lot better having put all my thoughts in order and having people I don’t know and who don’t know me listen to them because I won’t hurt them by doing so.

OP posts:

OakRowan · 12/04/2022 19:13

Everything you have written here has an impact on you though, making your anxiety worse, reinforcing the abandonment issues. You haven't solved that or made it smaller. That's not healthy. I hope you do end up seeing it as an opportunity to tackle it, its a shame for you that you feel like this, honestly, it doesn't have to be forever, its something you could get help for and recover from, instead of suffering. From experience. Its not something I dont understand, quite the opposite, if you do something in real life about it your much happier life could just be about to begin, with help and support. Its a horrible feeling, what you are experiencing, but there are solutions.

Supergirl1958 · 12/04/2022 19:13

@semicharmed

I do have a particularly close friend within the group who knows I have always struggled with feelings of abandonment and anxiety so I will probably speak to her at some point and just ask her honestly why I was excluded. I don’t think my reaction is necessarily normal as I don’t think most people would be this hurt or upset but it’s knocked my self esteem for six and I feel truly horrible about myself which is something I’ve managed to keep under control for years

@semicharmed your reaction is totally normal! It’s absolutely wrong of them to not include you knowing that you have self esteem issues, and if I were you I would totally call them out on it right now! Sod the holiday

I’ve a group of friends who I was supposed to go away with years ago, but I didn’t because I developed a fear of flying! They embarrassed me publicly on social media, posing with my personalised vest on a balcony and laughing with people who asked why I wasn’t there. Years later we went to Ireland for a hen do and the bride begged me to fly with them rather than get the ferry because her happiness was more important than my genuine fear…I mean ffs really??? Secondly when I got there by ferry I was horrifically travel sick because the crossing was awful and spilt water on the back of the taxi drivers seat forcing him to fine me €100 because he thought it was sick! Then another friend slagged me off to another taxi driver because I wasn’t flying with the rest of the group thinking I was in the second of the group’s taxis, but I was in hers! Needless to say we aren’t friends anymore!!!

Hope you find out why your friends left you out! Truly awful!!

Original poster

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 19:13

@Blondeshavemorefun

I have RTFT

I still agree that you need to ask

And sorry your a and b, then going to c snd de bring there doesn’t make sense

You plan a camping trip

Not just tag along

Who is your good friend in this. C or d

Neither. A+B are my closest friends. They are a couple. C and D are close friends but live miles apart so D often goes to visit C. C lives halfway between where A + B live and where they have gone camping. It’s a 5hr trip to go all the way there so stopping off at C’s makes sense. Wouldn’t you feel rude staying at someone’s house as a waypoint if you weren’t then going to invite them on the trip?

OP posts:

ErinAndTonic · 12/04/2022 19:14

I'm glad you've got another solution that's making you feel better, hope it is the case - but I agree with the other person who said you don't spontaneously do something like this, it would be planned so they were packed accordingly surely?

Hope you get to the bottom of it either way

EarringsandLipstick · 12/04/2022 19:15

@MolkosTeenageAngst

Has the dog always come on the previous trips? If so I would guess he is the problem. You say you would have happily left him behind but maybe your friends didn’t realise that and either assumed you would want to bring him or would have felt that they had to extend the invite to him being as he’s been before. Even if you adore dogs having one on holiday definitely changes the dynamic in terms of planning days out and meals etc so maybe this is why they chose not to invite you, because it felt easier than trying to explain your dog wasn’t welcome.

These are such weird suggestions.

Of course it's not the dog.

It's OP's shitty friendship group. OP sounds lovely and basically too nice - people can pick up on this & consciously or unconsciously take advantage / treat you badly. (I've been that soldier unfortunately, gradually improving).

OP, I think asking, without context or excuses, just a direct question, ideally to their face (s), would be both important, and right.

Original poster

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 19:17

@OakRowan

Everything you have written here has an impact on you though, making your anxiety worse, reinforcing the abandonment issues. You haven't solved that or made it smaller. That's not healthy. I hope you do end up seeing it as an opportunity to tackle it, its a shame for you that you feel like this, honestly, it doesn't have to be forever, its something you could get help for and recover from, instead of suffering. From experience. Its not something I dont understand, quite the opposite, if you do something in real life about it your much happier life could just be about to begin, with help and support. Its a horrible feeling, what you are experiencing, but there are solutions.

I actually feel a LOT better and have arrived at a more sensible conclusion. My anxiety is mostly under control (I don’t just let myself flounder despite what you seem to think) but as with all illnesses, there can be unexpected flareups. Your condescending suggestion that I should ‘get some help’ isn’t helpful.

Believe me, saying all this shit in real life would have had far worse ramifications than it will ever have saying it in private.

OP posts:

Strangeways19 · 12/04/2022 19:17

Ah it's been solved, well done OP great that you've managed to resolve things yourself

EarringsandLipstick · 12/04/2022 19:17

@MolkosTeenageAngst

*The dog has nothing to do with this, let’s not focus on him

We’ve all brought our dogs out with us, my dog has nothing to do with this at all!*

Have they brought their dogs on this trip? Sorry, but the fact you’ve immediately gotten really defensive at the mere mention that it could be related to your dog makes me think it’s even more likely to be part of the reason! I’m not suggesting there is anything wrong with your dog or that they dislike him personally, but if you’re taking it personally that I’ve suggested he could be part of the reason are you sure you wouldn’t have taken the suggestion to leave him at home from your friends personally?

Bottom line is you don’t know why they’ve left you out, hence posting here. I’m not saying it is the dog but it’s not an impossible suggestion! You say you’re all equally close and that you’ve always been on trips with them before so there’s clearly something that’s made them decide not to invite you this time. I was just suggesting the dog as a possibility and as you don’t know the reason I don’t see how you can say with 100% certainty he’s not the issue, unless you are withholding more info?

Completely mad

It's. Not. The. Dog.

If it was, they'd have said to their very good friend, oh can you leave Fido at home thus time.

Original poster

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 19:18

@ErinAndTonic

I'm glad you've got another solution that's making you feel better, hope it is the case - but I agree with the other person who said you don't spontaneously do something like this, it would be planned so they were packed accordingly surely?

Hope you get to the bottom of it either way

Yes, they would have packed but I think the reason for it only being the four of them makes sense in the scenario I’ve described rather than them deliberately planning it without me. I’ve tried to make it make sense as I don’t want to see the worst in them without concrete proof.

OP posts:

Cherry79 · 12/04/2022 19:20

I think I would just ask the good friend you have and tell them not to speak to the rest of the group. Your explanation seems quite complex , is it realistic, not sure. I would just ask your good friend and hopefully it will put your mind at rest

EarringsandLipstick · 12/04/2022 19:20

@OakRowan

Au contraire? Steady on. Its not healthy to stew and I.agine the worst and post and post and post exaggerated thoughts and fears, making it all worse for next time. You could've just asked them, instead you've filled pages with internal upset, mind reading them all, that doesn't make it easier next time you have to deal with something that triggers you, you make it harder, deeper, stronger if you ruminate on things like this so much. Have you never had any support or treatment? Do you use your friendship group like this, to go over unhappy things?

God, what an awful post. Imagine being so shitty to someone who is upset? The OP has not done anything wrong, and sounds clear & level-headed.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/04/2022 19:23

Tho if they’ve gone camping where and b live, who are your closest friends again why wouldn’t they say to you

I don’t mean to make you feel bad 💐

But you do need to know

Or will always wonder

And if there is a reason then need to find new friends as these people aren’t friends

Calmdown14 · 12/04/2022 19:23

I can totally see why you are hurt.

I would suspect it's been less planned than you are worried about. Perhaps two of the friends who are close booked a camping pod or such like (thinking probably not a tent in this weather?) And maybe it's fairly close to the couple and they've said 'it sleeps four if you fancy it for a night'?
Five is an awkward number to accommodate and there may not have been any other options to book.

It is poor that no one has realised you might be upset though.

Personally, good friends are hard to come by and I wouldn't burn any bridges with messages that may be taken wrong.
I suspect you growing a bit apart as a group is kind of inevitable as all your lives get more complicated.

I would maintain them as nice people to have in your life but make sure you invest in your other friendships too. You sound lovely

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/04/2022 19:24

Sorry ignore that. Not where a and b live

I Re read what you wrote

Tho either way if a and b are close friends you need to ask them