Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to say he can’t extend his holiday?

190 replies

Youarelreadyenough · 31/01/2022 09:00

We have moved to a lovely location in the South West, our dream place with land, no neighbours etc. almost a holiday destination!

In the last year we have had a few visitors, all for a week except 1 who is now bordering on 4 months here over 3 visits. We love him but it’s very very hard having someone else in your personal space for such an extended period of time and this time around I am really struggling with it and it’s affecting my mental health. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is a lovely helpful guest but it’s just the fact he is there.

He owns and lives in a holiday chalet where he cannot live for 2 months of the year and I think he just assumed he could live here during that time and does not have a back up plan.

He is currently dropping hints about extending his current stay which is due to be up next week and I think he’s hoping to stay until the end of February. I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
ItoldyouIwastrouble · 31/01/2022 09:09

Seriously no! This is your home, sanctuary and mental wellbeing. 4 months over the year is a third!! Just a, oh that's a shame but that's not possible, it's been lovely having you but we are ready to have our home/space back for a while. Practise it, say it then walk away before you back down. Don't budge!!

Darkstar4855 · 31/01/2022 09:09

Absolutely say no. His lack of a back up plan is not your problem. You will end up with him expecting to stay every year if you don’t stop it now.

Tal45 · 31/01/2022 09:15

Unless he's your son it was extremely rude and presumptuous of him to assume he could stay with you whenever and for as long as he likes. He's taking the piss. You don't have to be rude but you do need to let him know that you need your space back, I would then back away from him as he seems to be taking advantage of you.

Iloveacurry · 31/01/2022 09:20

Who is it? A relation?

Quincythequince · 31/01/2022 09:21

Just tell him no, he can’t stay.
Why have you allowed it for this long already?

Original poster
Youarelreadyenough · 31/01/2022 09:25

He’s my brother and I’ve let it go on this long due to a combination of feeling sorry for him and being too wimpy to say no. I can cope with a couple of weeks at a time but 6+ weeks is not fun!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 31/01/2022 09:28

Bro, what the hell is going on. I know we have a lovely spot here, but so do you. Youre going to have to go back soon as i dont want to fall out with you, but this is doing my head in

Ploppy1322 · 31/01/2022 09:30

No, you need to be blunt, a true friend would have spoken to you first and made arrangements properly. He's trying to manipulate you into letting him stay in your home. However lovely he appears, he's a cheeky user, don't feel guilty, tell him it's time for him to move on x

Cherrysoup · 31/01/2022 09:31

I think you need to woman up and tell him he’s going. Also tell him you aren’t doing this again. Why have you tolerated this? He’s taking the piss, helpful guest or not.

Ariela · 31/01/2022 09:34

Invite another friend (or agree with another friend they're to say they are coming) to stay once your brother's spell is up. Tell your brother you have other friend booked to come so he simply cannot stay.

NoSquirrels · 31/01/2022 09:35

You need to tell him you absolutely can’t offer more than 3 weeks stay in a 3-month period. Mean it and stick to it.

NoSquirrels · 31/01/2022 09:37

You need a really honest chat where you say this isn’t going to work every winter, the limits of your hospitality are X, and he needs to go and rent an air bnb ASAP if he wants to be invited back at all!

ChampagneLassie · 31/01/2022 09:40

@Ariela

Invite another friend (or agree with another friend they're to say they are coming) to stay once your brother's spell is up. Tell your brother you have other friend booked to come so he simply cannot stay.
I don't understand the tendency of people to make up nonsense rather than the truth! People can tell when people are lying and it creates all sorts of problems. This implies OP loves a revolving door of guests and he may well assume its fair game whenever its free. Just tell your brother how you feel - its been lovely having him but you need your personal space back. If he cares about you he'll understand. If his reaction is anything else then he is being selfish and you shouldn't give a toss.
DisforDarkChocolate · 31/01/2022 09:43

I think you need to set a clear boundaries when you have a place people will want to visit.

So, say no this time and then tell everyone something like there is now a one week maximum visit, twice a year maximum and must be in different quarters. Also set aside several weeks no one can come at all. If you don't you'll end up running a free hotel.

Dora33 · 31/01/2022 09:46

You have been very kind allowing your brother to stay so long but he needs to sort his accommodation out.
I couldn't imagine having anyone stay so long & so frequently. Does he even have friends or work in your area that he would leave your house for? As I find when people stay, it changes my routines as I need to give up time to include them in day, plus the extra load of someone living in the house.
At the next hint drop, just say you have helped him out so much already and it's not possible for him to stay longer. If pressed, say for your own head space, you aren't able to have any guests staying after next week.
He needs to realise he has overstayed his welcome. Maybe going forward set boundaries of the max anyone can stay and use that as as blanket rule for everyone.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 31/01/2022 09:46

Where does he usually go for the two months?

Quincythequince · 31/01/2022 09:50

Did he in any way intimate what he would need to stay whilst his place is not usable? I mean, what on earth did he plan to do when he bought a property with these kind of restrictions?

Is this typical of his behaviour usually?

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/01/2022 09:53

Good grief, no. Love my parents dearly but a week is enough with anyone except immediate family unit.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 31/01/2022 09:57

I'd imagine if this was me with my sister I'd be screaming ^get out of my house" a la Peggy Mitchell by now.

Flipflopblowout · 31/01/2022 09:58

He is going to have to grow a pair and sort himself out but he won't do it unless you have the talk and sort out boundaries.

rookiemere · 31/01/2022 10:02

You need to have a serious chat with him. Say what you've said here, that he's a great guest and you're happy for him to come for x days at a time, but you can't be used as his alternative accommodation for the whole period his lodge is not available and he'll need to make alternative arrangements.

BlingLoving · 31/01/2022 10:11

I will never understand how this happens. Surely this is just a normal conversation, "Listen brother, you've been here for 3 months , time to move on. And no, sorry, you can't stay on. I need my home for myself again. Been lovely to see you."

Cantleave · 31/01/2022 10:18

@Youarelreadyenough “he cannot live for 2 months of the year”?
But he has already stayed for “4 months here over 3 visits” in the last year? So it isn’t just the 2 months he can’t stay in his own ‘home’! He’s not happy with 4 months, he wants to stay even longer, in other words he wants to live with you nearly half of the year???

If his home/chalet aren’t suitable for him to live in he needs to sell up and find somewhere that is suitable, not think you are a second home he can stay in whenever he likes! You really need to discuss with him properly, not make excuses why he can’t stay, just that he CANNOT stay for these lengths of time. End of!

HairyScaryMonster · 31/01/2022 10:25

That's bonkers! He needs to pay for somewhere else to stay.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/01/2022 10:27

You need to speak to him. His chalet lease terms are not your issue to solve.
Say you like seeing him and are happy for short visits but that’s it.