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Original poster

AIBU to say he can’t extend his holiday?

190 replies

Youarelreadyenough · 31/01/2022 09:00

We have moved to a lovely location in the South West, our dream place with land, no neighbours etc. almost a holiday destination!

In the last year we have had a few visitors, all for a week except 1 who is now bordering on 4 months here over 3 visits. We love him but it’s very very hard having someone else in your personal space for such an extended period of time and this time around I am really struggling with it and it’s affecting my mental health. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is a lovely helpful guest but it’s just the fact he is there.

He owns and lives in a holiday chalet where he cannot live for 2 months of the year and I think he just assumed he could live here during that time and does not have a back up plan.

He is currently dropping hints about extending his current stay which is due to be up next week and I think he’s hoping to stay until the end of February. I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
Youarelreadyenough · 01/02/2022 22:06

Well. Update and I suppose trigger warning.

He announced he changed his plans (ie cancelled the hotel he has planned after next week) and is staying until the end of February.

I wimped out of kicking off. Had a panic attack and self harmed for the first time in years.

Yay me.

OP posts:
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 01/02/2022 22:10

OP you say we moved, so I'm assuming that you've got a partner? After your update I think it's time for them to step in and get rid of him, you're understandably overwhelmed. Its not being weak getting someone to do it for you it's self preservation.

RandomMess · 01/02/2022 22:25

Tell him writing?

GettingItOutThere · 01/02/2022 22:30

write him a letter OP. how is it acceptable to feel like this in your own home??

Original poster
Youarelreadyenough · 01/02/2022 22:44

Not man enough to man up against my own brother. What’s the point. Story of my life. World is better off without me

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2022 22:48

Oh Love, I'm so sorry you've harmed yourself. Please consider getting counseling, even short term, to help you get back your 'self' and your equilibrium.

First off, you are just as important a human being as your brother. What you want and need to live a happy life is more important than what a capable adult decides to do in your space' for their own convenience. You and your MH matter^. He needs to be sold that he has taken terrible advantage of your good nature and that he will need to leave now.

You say 'we'. Does that mean you have a DP or someone else who can either go to bat for you or stand with you to tell your brother he must leave?

jackstini · 01/02/2022 22:49

Oh OP, wishing you strength as this is an awful situation for you

Is there anyone else in the house that can help you talk to him?

Give him this thread to read?

NellePorter · 01/02/2022 22:50

Some people do find confrontation hard, it sounds like your brother knows that, and is taking advantage if it.
You sound like a lovely person, please stop him spoiling your life like this. There has been some great advice on here, can you read back through the thread from the beginning?

Gazelda · 01/02/2022 22:52

Ok. One thing at a time.
Are you ok.

post edited by MNHQ

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 01/02/2022 22:54

Evening.

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this, OP. We wanted to share Mind's information with you - it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the link above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide here.

We're going to move this to the Mental Health topic now. Flowers

maybloss2 · 01/02/2022 22:56

Yep op, it’s hard but best to be honest. My bro lived in a van for 2yrs rather than impose on anyone. He told us this is what he’d had to do, once he’d found a flat. He didn’t want to sofa surf. Yr bro has made a choice that leaves him homeless at the wrong time of year-perhaps he should camp for months during the warm weather and have the winter in his chalet.

RandomMess · 01/02/2022 23:00

It isn't easy to stand up to someone who is in your home and is "paying their way" by helping out etc and that doesn't even care enough to think how you may be feeling.

Be kind to yourself Thanks

MrsCBY · 01/02/2022 23:03

I’m sorry to read your update. I think it sounds like your brother is emotionally abusive towards you.

You said we are not close and our relationship over the years has been tumultuous. It’s not a relationship where I can openly express how I feel without major drama.

In other words, you have to walk on eggshells around him.

Now he has unilaterally announced that he is staying longer than planned in your home. Not asked; not sought your permission: announced.

He must know about your fragile MH. Does he care about the impact he has on you? No, he doesn’t. He wouldn’t care even if you spelled it out to him, that much is clear from everything you’ve said. He doesn’t recognise that you’re entitled to your feelings and needs, if they clash with what he wants. He is the only one entitled to have his feelings respected and indulged.

You may love your brother but I’m sorry to say that I doubt very much he loves you.

And I’m so sorry to hear about the self harm. You sound like you’re beating yourself up over it but please try to be kind to yourself if you can. You’re in pain, and you need support. That doesn’t make you a bad person, or a weak person. It makes you someone who’s hurt, someone who deserves compassion.

Is there anyone in your life now who can support you with all this? Because it sounds like there’s a lot more at play here than just the current situation, which is making it all worse, and overwhelming for you. I hope you do have some good people around you, or at least one good person in your life. Flowers

MrsCBY · 01/02/2022 23:06

I posted the above before seeing your second post tonight.

I know you think those feelings “are” you, but they are not. They are the result of people hurting you, treating you badly. You were brave to post here for support. I hope you can continue to do so.

billy1966 · 01/02/2022 23:09

I am so sorry OP.

Do whatever you can to help yourself get through the next few weeks, even if it means leaving for a bit if you can't get your partner to get rid of him.

Focus on not ever allowing him stay again, even if it means going no contact.

Just get through the next bit.

Don't blame yourself.
You poor woman.
Flowers

Nearlyshitmypantsthere · 01/02/2022 23:43

@Youarelreadyenough 💐❤

ANameChangeAgain · 01/02/2022 23:50

Just seen your update. Please be kind to yourself, you are obviously a giver but its time to put yourself first. Please get help. Flowers

Ddot · 02/02/2022 00:38

If it is affecting you this much you need to talk to his children. Tell them the situation and how stressful it is on you. Ask the family for help. As for your statement about the world and you init, get your wellies on and go for some air, feel the chill, hear the birds, stop and smell the winter. Tell that black dog to do one. I hope the family help x

Mamanyt · 02/02/2022 02:50

Goodness. No. This is a "my home, my rules" situation. And it isn't as if you haven't been open to his visiting. Just tell him that, while you have enjoyed having him, it won't be convenient for him to stay the extra time, and that should he extend his vacation, he will have to make other arrangements.

redgirl1 · 02/02/2022 07:07

OP this situation is making you ill so it cannot go on. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. If you cannot speak to your brother directly then do not self hate about it. It is the moment to think about how else you can approach this. Is there a calm 3rd party, relative or friend, that could listen to you and speak with your brother. Hopefully that person could also set out ground rules for future visits.
Going about the communication on a different way will hopefully enable you to tackle issues with your brother in the future.
I think next year your brother needs a conversation where you and his sons are involved about where he is staying and for how long during this 2 months so everyone knows where they stand. Hopefully it could be split between you all.

Ddot · 02/02/2022 07:32

If you really cant get him out then put up with it till feb ends. As he leaves hand him a letter, state that you love him but you will no longer be able to accommodate him and he must make other arrangements for the following year.

dee1969 · 02/02/2022 08:42

Just say no.

bluelemming · 02/02/2022 08:49

Hi OP. You are clearly a very lovely person so you are absolutely needed in this world! Just because you feel unable to stand up to your brother doesn't make you a bad person - far from it.

Is there someone you can confide in who might be able to talk to your brother on your behalf?

hil1910 · 02/02/2022 09:15

Where did he stay prior to your move and why can’t he stay there instead of with you. Presumably he knew the consequences of owning the chalet when he bought it and cannot expect you to accommodate him when he cannot occupy it. Does he pay rent to you, if so then he can rent elsewhere.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/02/2022 09:22

Send me his number and I'll phone him and tell him he can't stay.

Hope you're doing better this morning @Youarelreadyenough.