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Original poster

AIBU to say he can’t extend his holiday?

190 replies

Youarelreadyenough · 31/01/2022 09:00

We have moved to a lovely location in the South West, our dream place with land, no neighbours etc. almost a holiday destination!

In the last year we have had a few visitors, all for a week except 1 who is now bordering on 4 months here over 3 visits. We love him but it’s very very hard having someone else in your personal space for such an extended period of time and this time around I am really struggling with it and it’s affecting my mental health. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is a lovely helpful guest but it’s just the fact he is there.

He owns and lives in a holiday chalet where he cannot live for 2 months of the year and I think he just assumed he could live here during that time and does not have a back up plan.

He is currently dropping hints about extending his current stay which is due to be up next week and I think he’s hoping to stay until the end of February. I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
AmandaMirandaPanda · 31/01/2022 10:29

He should have asked you well in advance if he could stay the two months, giving you the specific dates. You might then have said he could stay for a shorter amount of time, with agreed-on dates. But he's already stayed more than two months out of the past year?

Is he very short of money at the moment? Otherwise I don't see how he can have nowhere to go. If there's not another few friends or family members that can host him for a week or two each then he can book a short-term rental or stay at a hotel, hostel, B&B, etc. depending on his budget. He can make last-minute plans now, but if you're in England or Wales he may run into high prices/low availability around half-term holidays booking this late. Still very possible, though.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/01/2022 10:32

At least these cases are straightforward, if not easy
Simply tell him you need him gone - if you must, say someone else is due to come and you'll need the room - and that it would be better for him to sort a permanent solution to his housing needs, whether just for the "two months" or anything else

JugglingJanuary · 31/01/2022 10:41

What's the rest of the story?

How old? How's his MH?Does he not working!

The other times he's stayed, was that random or usual family times, like Christmas?

I presume he's single, is he recently out if a relationship? Lonely?

I get this period where he cannot stay in his chalet, but the rest of the time, why doesn't he want to be there or why does he want to be at yours?

YANBU to want your house back to yourselves & you don't have to have him stay when you don't want to, but you say you love him and he's a hood house guest, so I'd be wanting to get to the bottom
of it myself.

Is there anyway you could convert an outbuilding that he could stay in for his two months each winter & use for other guests (paid or unpaid) throughout the year?

Dibbydoos · 31/01/2022 10:44

Why doesn't he have anywhere to go? Cos he can't afford it or cos his living arrangements mean he has no where?

That aside, of course he has somewhere to stay, he just has to arrange it. Tell him your too busy and ask him to find somewhere else, freeloader!

Zilla1 · 31/01/2022 10:45

What was his original plan when he purchased the lease? Was it an extended Winter holiday abroad to cover the 2 months the holiday chalet needs to close? I suppose Covid might have made plan A more difficult if so.

Loopytiles · 31/01/2022 10:47

YABU for having got into this situation!

PainterMummy · 31/01/2022 10:59

Similar happened to a friend of mine (though not family member). Friend Emily came for a visit. My friend assumed for a week or two. It was 3 months!!! And Emily didn’t want to didn’t any money so would go shopping with my friend, adding things to her trolley (personal care items), complain about the food, say she was bored and where was my friend going to take her that day etc. Emily was always around. My friend Never any time alone in her own home or just with her husband. This person arrived early November so was present during Xmas and New Year too! Eventually my friend had enough and said Emily had to book her flights home. Turned out Emily had rented out her own home as it’s a lucrative rental location for winter months for skiing. She had bought super cheap, non changeable tickets for a 6 month stay. Yes, 6 months!! Emily said she had no money to buy new flight (what about all the rental income??). My friend had enough she paid for airline tickets, had her DH take Emily out to the store while she packed Emily’s bag, put in the car and then when Emily came back says let’s go for a drive, taking her to the airport, put out her bags, handed her the tickets and said goodbye, don’t keep in touch.

Now my friend is very rigid on who she allows to stay in her home. Only where she invites them and for set date of arrival and departure, only family gets to stay longer than a week but no more than 2 weeks. (Emily invited herself).

Brideandprejudice · 31/01/2022 11:01

If he's only homeless for 2 months why has he been with you for 4 months?

billy1966 · 31/01/2022 11:02

If you don't woman up quickly you are setting a precedent for 2 months every year.

Is that what you want.

Incredibly presumptuous.

candycane222 · 31/01/2022 11:04

Have you given any hints that he has deliberately ignored, or will thia come completely out of the blue for him. If he genuinely thinks you welcome his extended presence he might be quite upset to know you've been quietly seething inside. Or blindsided by your apparent change of tune. So when you do make clear to him, firmly, what needs to happen, do bear that in mind. Perhaps by apologising for not being clear up till now, before then being clear and unambiguous so he knows where he stands.

If however you have been dropping heavy hints already, you probably just have to go straight in

PasswordEarth · 31/01/2022 11:04

Just no.
It seems people common for people who decide to live in holiday chalet accommodations expect people to put them up for the other 2 months as otherwise it’s not fair, despite the favours all being one way.
Stick to the deadline. You don’t just get people to stay because they want a cheap holiday.

midsomermurderess · 31/01/2022 11:04

I wouldn't be suggesting the poster converts an outbuilding to accommodate a guest who has outstayed their welcome or to encourage visitors when they are clearly a bit tired of all that. She just has to have the conversation with him.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 31/01/2022 11:06

Put yourself out of your misery now. Ask him where he is staying next week. If he suggests staying in with you, tell him no. You want some time to yourself for a while. It might well be an awkward conversation but the sooner you start it the sooner it will be over.

Thirtytimesround · 31/01/2022 11:10

He’s manipulating and using you. If he really wants to live with you a third of the year he needs to have the manners to ask for that like a grownup.

Ten days is my max for a visit before I start getting fed up with family!!

He is not your responsibility and it isn’t your fault he’s chosen to live in a holiday chalet.

whynotwhatknot · 31/01/2022 11:16

Where does he usually go for his 2 months-sounds like hes taking the piss

Dontbeme · 31/01/2022 11:18

He hasn’t done anything wrong and is a lovely helpful guest but it’s just the fact he is there

He's not a guest though, he lives with you. For four months out of the last year he has had your food, drinks, heating, electricity, water, telly, internet, sat on your sofa interrupting any alone time you might have wanted with your husband, probably disrupted friends visits to you and stopped you from having any peace in your own home. It's beyond time for him to go and stay gone. You need to be more strict with visitors as you now live in a holiday spot, the users will come stampeding out of the woodwork.

AtLeastPretendToCare · 31/01/2022 11:18

OP it is time to put your big girl pants on. Make clear that he cannot stay any more AND that he cannot expect to stay with you for prolonged periods going forward. He has made his lifestyle choices, it isn’t for you to bend to meet them.

Eddielzzard · 31/01/2022 11:25

You have to decide what your boundaries are. He's going to assume it's ok if you don't say anything. Are you happy to host him if he contributes to bills? Or happy for him to stay for 2 weeks every year? It's not your problem to facilitate his lack of plans. Would you expect this of him?

MrsCBY · 31/01/2022 11:25

I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

Does he feel terrible that his actions are actually affecting your MH?

I doubt it.

Why is the onus on you to care about his well being, but not vice versa?

MsMarch · 31/01/2022 11:29

@MrsCBY

I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

Does he feel terrible that his actions are actually affecting your MH?

I doubt it.

Why is the onus on you to care about his well being, but not vice versa?

Yes, this. And while women definitely do this, in real life I see it most often when it's a male relative of a woman wh seems to think he can just move in and live the life of riley for as long as he likes. It's weirdly common.
HaveringWavering · 31/01/2022 11:29

He’s your brother. Why can’t you be straight with him? I would say that if all the people I know in the world my brother is the one I can talk to most honestly, when it comes to issues between him and me, that is. I don’t mean I tell him my darkest emotional secrets. But I will tell him eg if the food he has cooked tastes rubbish, or he’s being lazy, or if I don’t like his Xmas present etc. I’d certainly tell him if I needed him out of my house.

The flip side, though, is that I would of course never see him homeless or in trouble. But we’d talk openly about the impact on me.

rookiemere · 31/01/2022 11:30

Another option is he takes a holiday rental nearby if it's about the company not the money.
That way he could see you once a week or whatever is convenient, but he's not living with you.

CanofCant · 31/01/2022 11:32

You can either say something or don't. YANBU to not like this set up.

SlipperTripper · 31/01/2022 11:36

@MrsSkylerWhite

Good grief, no. Love my parents dearly but a week is enough with anyone except immediate family unit.
A recent isolation has proved that 10 days is enough with even the IMMEDIATE family unit! 😂
iamnlhfss · 31/01/2022 11:37

I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go

Why should you feel terrible?
He has chosen to buy and live in a holiday chalet which means he has to live 2 months of the year elsewhere.
That is his choice.
But at the same time he needs to be responsible for finding somewhere else during the 2 months when he cannot live in the chalet. If he didn't have a plan for this then he shouldn't have bought the chalet.

His choices have led him to this situation. And I do not believe for one minute he has nowhere else to go. He just doesn't want to. It's nice where you live. He's got a warm cosy house in a lovely area and has his needs met - I wonder who is doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry for example. Also wonder how much he is contributing financially towards the increase in bills which is inevitable when an extra person stays for several months.

It is not your problem where he goes. Tell him straight that it isn't working for you and that he needs to move on by x date.
He could stay with other friends, he could stay with another relative, he could rent an airbnb short term, he could rent a room in someone's house etcetc.
He's taking the piss.