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Mental health

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Original poster

AIBU to say he can’t extend his holiday?

190 replies

Youarelreadyenough · 31/01/2022 09:00

We have moved to a lovely location in the South West, our dream place with land, no neighbours etc. almost a holiday destination!

In the last year we have had a few visitors, all for a week except 1 who is now bordering on 4 months here over 3 visits. We love him but it’s very very hard having someone else in your personal space for such an extended period of time and this time around I am really struggling with it and it’s affecting my mental health. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is a lovely helpful guest but it’s just the fact he is there.

He owns and lives in a holiday chalet where he cannot live for 2 months of the year and I think he just assumed he could live here during that time and does not have a back up plan.

He is currently dropping hints about extending his current stay which is due to be up next week and I think he’s hoping to stay until the end of February. I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoing · 31/01/2022 11:38

@PainterMummy

Similar happened to a friend of mine (though not family member). Friend Emily came for a visit. My friend assumed for a week or two. It was 3 months!!! And Emily didn’t want to didn’t any money so would go shopping with my friend, adding things to her trolley (personal care items), complain about the food, say she was bored and where was my friend going to take her that day etc. Emily was always around. My friend Never any time alone in her own home or just with her husband. This person arrived early November so was present during Xmas and New Year too! Eventually my friend had enough and said Emily had to book her flights home. Turned out Emily had rented out her own home as it’s a lucrative rental location for winter months for skiing. She had bought super cheap, non changeable tickets for a 6 month stay. Yes, 6 months!! Emily said she had no money to buy new flight (what about all the rental income??). My friend had enough she paid for airline tickets, had her DH take Emily out to the store while she packed Emily’s bag, put in the car and then when Emily came back says let’s go for a drive, taking her to the airport, put out her bags, handed her the tickets and said goodbye, don’t keep in touch.

Now my friend is very rigid on who she allows to stay in her home. Only where she invites them and for set date of arrival and departure, only family gets to stay longer than a week but no more than 2 weeks. (Emily invited herself).

@PainterMummy - this happened to my parents a long time ago! Best friend of stepdad's won a writing competition and went all over India/Nepal etc travelling and writing (he was funny), then decided to come and stay with us (we were 12 and 10 at the time) and parents. 2-3 weeks turned into 3 months! He'd make fun of us kids (what we ate) and was being very picky and before he left paid for a slap up meal but I think stepdad and mum had a chat with him about 'going home' which was to Australia. No GF to tie him down or kids so he was basically living a single life and did nothing, no cleaning etc!

GatoradeMeBitch · 31/01/2022 11:39

Do you have a friend you can confide in who would suddenly want or need to visit, so you will need the space free?

IncompleteSenten · 31/01/2022 11:40

Normally I'd say ignore hints but if he's actually in your home then if you ignore hints what's stopping him from just staying?

You need to sit down and have a very honest conversation with him

You cannot stay here for the 2 months every year you can't be at the park. You chose to live there, knowing the restrictions. You need to make alternative arrangements from now on.

Yes, he'll probably be pissed off. They normally are. But you need to tackle it head on or you won't solve it.

5zeds · 31/01/2022 11:42

You moved Devon didn’t you? It’s both brilliant and exhausting that people always come for extended stays, and back again.

Put him to work. It will solve itself

CanofCant · 31/01/2022 11:44

And if he is pissed off instead of being grateful for you hospitality and apologetic for overstaying his welcome then he will be no loss. He's just assumed he has an open ended stay.

emmathedilemma · 31/01/2022 11:44

That's not a holiday, that's being a lodger!

BeginningBridge · 31/01/2022 11:47

It is likely to be a condition of the holiday chalet licence that your brother has a permanent residence elsewhere ( I have to show a council tax bill for my main residence when asked).

So be wary if he asks for a copy of your council tax bill!

334bu · 31/01/2022 11:53

except 1 who is now bordering on 4 months here over 3 visits.

As he only needs to be out of his chalet for two months and he is now looking to extend stay, why did he need to stay for those other two months? Is he using your house as a way of letting out his holiday home and if he does, is he giving you a fair share of the rent he is receiving?

SockFluffInTheBath · 31/01/2022 11:57

You need to swallow a brave pill OP and tell him you are not his second home. Tell him he needs to be gone by the end of the week, and that although you love him you can have too much of a good thing and you don’t expect to see him again before next year. Tell him he’s welcome for 2 weeks only per year to head him off thinking he can move back in next time.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/01/2022 12:00

Don't have him to stay this time. His failure to plan for his accommodation requirements does not constitute an emergency on your part.

You've been more than hospitable to him up to now and I'd say to him "Brother, I realise that you're planning on coming to stay next week/month but this no longer suits us. You'll have to stay elsewhere if you're planning on coming. We'd love to meet up for dinner one of the nights you're in the locality but you can't stay here."

If he needs to pay for somewhere to stay, perhaps he won't visit as frequently.
If he asks why it no longer suits, just repeat (broken record style) "it just doesn't suit us for you to stay". If he gets no traction to asking why, he'll give up.

That's my advice.

fourandtwo · 31/01/2022 12:05

@Ariela

Invite another friend (or agree with another friend they're to say they are coming) to stay once your brother's spell is up. Tell your brother you have other friend booked to come so he simply cannot stay.

This is really terrible advice. It’s either a lie or means the OP has to allow someone else into her home, which is compromising her mental health already. Stop trying to make other people comfortable when you are anything but. Extend the courtesy to yourself and politely but bluntly tell him exactly what you have said in your OP. Good luck.

GettingItOutThere · 31/01/2022 12:09

this is insaine!!!

woman up and tell him he has to go! he is a grown man and needs to sort his own accomodation out!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/01/2022 12:17

Where did he used to stay for those two months before you moved to your present home?

Let him start going back there again.

He's a grown up, in full command of his faculties - he's not your responsibility.

Nutsabouttopic · 31/01/2022 12:22

We too moved to a very desirable holiday location. It was for ohs job, location was a bonus. We love it BUT some people got the idea it is their holiday home. I would get messages saying "Saw the forecast so we'll be down tomorrow" . Would come stay anything from two days to two weeks. I would end up cooking, cleaning, babysitting. They were all inlaws so I didn't say anything for a while. I said it to oh, who was working most of the time they were here. Next time message came in and every time after, he answers " let us know where you are booked into and we will try to meet you". Of course they were not happy but as he pointed out we never stayed with any of them nor were we invited too. He told them this is our home not a holiday property with live in staff. We have had them to stay but at our invitation with clear dates. Put your foot down now not just for your brother but for all "visitors". It's your home

ChargingBuck · 31/01/2022 12:24

Congrats on your new home OP :)

He owns and lives in a holiday chalet where he cannot live for 2 months of the year and I think he just assumed he could live here during that time and does not have a back up plan.

Where did he spend those 2 months each year before you bought your ranch?

Why does he imagine he can squat with you, & that you will just accept that?

Does he pay rent, does he seek your consent about his assumptions - or does he go through your partner?

ChargingBuck · 31/01/2022 12:25

@Youarelreadyenough

He’s my brother and I’ve let it go on this long due to a combination of feeling sorry for him and being too wimpy to say no. I can cope with a couple of weeks at a time but 6+ weeks is not fun!

How would DB feel about you assuming you could just move into his chalet for 2 months, without asking first or having any discussion?

IntermittentParps · 31/01/2022 12:26

He's taking the piss. He needs to sort out his living arrangements properly.
He's your brother; surely you can say, 'I need my house back to myself now.'?
And fix firm stay dates in the future! (with everyone).

ChargingBuck · 31/01/2022 12:30

Is there anyway you could convert an outbuilding that he could stay in for his two months each winter & use for other guests (paid or unpaid) throughout the year?

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

FinallyHere · 31/01/2022 12:34

It's a mystery to me why you would ask the advice of strangers rather than have a conversation with your brother. Say it's been great to see him but it is now time for him to move on.

Let him know that in future, he needs to plan for visiting you for no more than a long weekend at a time, twice a year being plenty.

If you can't be straight with him like this, what is holding you back from doing so?

MooSakah · 31/01/2022 12:35

Tell him no. And if you wanted to be nice offer to help him look for accommodation where he can live 12 months of the year.

amusedbush · 31/01/2022 12:35

I feel ill reading this - I can cope with my family for the length of time it takes to eat a meal, any longer and they start getting on my nerves. Having them stay for weeks on end would make me sell up and move across the world

LookItsMeAgain · 31/01/2022 12:37

@JugglingJanuary - to your comment " Is there anyway you could convert an outbuilding that he could stay in for his two months each winter & use for other guests (paid or unpaid) throughout the year? "
why on earth should the OP go to additional expense for the sake of her brother not planning his life and accommodation requirements without her being in them???

That is the most bizarre suggestion I've read in a long time. The OP needs a break, from everyone including her brother and you suggest that she set up some sort of B&B in an outbuilding???

I'll go for it ---- are you on glue??????????

MooSakah · 31/01/2022 12:39

Is there anyway you could convert an outbuilding that he could stay in for his two months each winter & use for other guests (paid or unpaid) throughout the year? haha what?! This is such a weird suggestion!

ChargingBuck · 31/01/2022 12:41

Right, @LookItsMeAgain!

It's as if an OP was posted asking for advice how to stop a colleague sexually harassing her in the workplace, so PP suggests she could get him to stop by asking him to mug her instead.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 31/01/2022 12:42

You need to be blunt and say you were OK with him staying here for a week or two but this is becoming like his second home now and you feel like your personal space is being intruded on.

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