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Original poster

AIBU to say he can’t extend his holiday?

190 replies

Youarelreadyenough · 31/01/2022 09:00

We have moved to a lovely location in the South West, our dream place with land, no neighbours etc. almost a holiday destination!

In the last year we have had a few visitors, all for a week except 1 who is now bordering on 4 months here over 3 visits. We love him but it’s very very hard having someone else in your personal space for such an extended period of time and this time around I am really struggling with it and it’s affecting my mental health. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is a lovely helpful guest but it’s just the fact he is there.

He owns and lives in a holiday chalet where he cannot live for 2 months of the year and I think he just assumed he could live here during that time and does not have a back up plan.

He is currently dropping hints about extending his current stay which is due to be up next week and I think he’s hoping to stay until the end of February. I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Vavavrrooom · 31/01/2022 14:37

It's connected to Council Tax, but not sure what. There are loads of chalets in this area and they all have to be unoccupied for two months of the year

Yep. MY PILs did this then started making noises about splitting the time they needed to be out between us and BIL’s. DH pointed out that we only had a single bed in the spare room, our toddler got up at 6am, we were a no smoking house and he worked evenings.
They started booking into a cheap B&B that offered long stay at cheap rates off season instead -phew! Grin

79andnotout · 31/01/2022 14:39

My brother does this. He works contracts in mines and then is at a loose end. He shows up and you never really know when he's going to go again. He's my brother, so he's always welcome. But at some point we start to get on each others nerves and he slings his hook. It's never reached the point where I've had to tell him to leave. I'm Irish, and in my family you are expected to accommodate family. But we're also generally upfront enough to say when someone has outstayed their welcome.

BliainNua · 31/01/2022 14:43

Yanbu to want your home back. YABU to not just tell him, he's your brother, you'll just have to say it.

movingschmooving · 31/01/2022 14:47

2 nights tops for ANY visitor in my house! Smile

DePfeffoff · 31/01/2022 15:05

@Ariela

Invite another friend (or agree with another friend they're to say they are coming) to stay once your brother's spell is up. Tell your brother you have other friend booked to come so he simply cannot stay.
No need to manufacture excuses. Just tell him it's not convenient for him to stay any longer, full stop. Repeat that if he argues.
purplecorkheart · 31/01/2022 15:24

Hi,
I am afraid you have to say something as otherwise this will become a yearly issue. He needs to make another arrangement air bnb a holiday let etc.

Original poster
Youarelreadyenough · 31/01/2022 17:59

Wow what a lot of great advise! Thank you.

To answer a few of the questions, my mental health has always been a struggle and confrontation and difficult conversations are something I really really struggle with and it does leave me open to being fully taken advantage of! Although he’s my brother and I love him, we are not close and our relationship over the years has been tumultuous. It’s not a relationship where I can openly express how I feel without major drama. So I wimp out.

This is the first year he’s had the chalet so the first time the situation has arisen. He has a history of freeloading, prior to the chalet he dossed at various friends and his sons for years and years and I think they have all now put their foot down. Hence the nowhere else to go because they’ve had enough.

I feel terrible and I know I absolutely shouldn’t because it’s not a situation of my doubt, entirely his. The first visits have been worded as ‘helping you do up the house’ and to be fair he has, but it’s just too much.

General consensus on here (and I think I knew it deep down) was I really do have to put my big girl pants on and just confront it!

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 31/01/2022 18:01

Best suggestion on the thread is the poster who said to ask him where he’s staying next week as you’re looking forward to having your home to yourself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/01/2022 18:22

He has a history of freeloading, prior to the chalet he dossed at various friends and his sons for years and years and I think they have all now put their foot down. Hence the nowhere else to go because they’ve had enough

Quelle surprise Hmm

phishy · 31/01/2022 18:32

Urgh no, get him gone by the original date.

NeverChange · 31/01/2022 18:43

It's been lovely having you to say but if you stay and longer we'll have to start charging you rent!

or

We've had so many visitors since we moved here we really are just looking forward to having the place to ourselves for a while.

He knows bloody well you had confrontation, that's why he is doing it and getting away with it.

iamnlhfss · 31/01/2022 19:03

This is the first year he’s had the chalet so the first time the situation has arisen. He has a history of freeloading, prior to the chalet he dossed at various friends and his sons for years and years and I think they have all now put their foot down. Hence the nowhere else to go because they’ve had enough

Oh he's one of those.....
They latch on to someone and doss at theirs for a while until they get pissed off with them and kick them out. They then move on to the next friend or relation (usually with some sob story about getting kicked out and being homeless woe is me etc.) The person believes the sob story, thinks the person before them was a bit mean etcetc - until they realize themselves some weeks or months later what a freeloader they are so kick them out.
Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.

Don't feel bad OP - as soon as you say he needs to be out on the agreed date he'll be phoning up random people, possibly moaning about you (unjustly of course), some person will take him in. People like him do not end up homeless.
Anyway it can't be long until he can live in the chalet again as he seems to have been with you for an age anyway.

rookiemere · 31/01/2022 19:08

Is there a DH or DP that can speak to him instead?

billy1966 · 31/01/2022 19:36

He's a user and this will be an annual occurrence if you are not very firm.

5zeds · 31/01/2022 19:39

What’s the worst thing that could happen? He could get cross and not like you for a bit. Wouldn’t that be a bit of a relief? It will be fine, just ask him to leave.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 01/02/2022 18:01

You really here asking whether it's unreasonable to want to enjoy and be mentally healthy in your own home?

He needs to leave, he's imposing.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 01/02/2022 18:02

There's a few movies about this, one with Michael Keaton that was brilliant.

Harls1969 · 01/02/2022 18:16

Just tell him what you've told us. You need some time without a house guest. Stand your ground and don't let him negotiate. It's really ok to say no.

camperqueen54 · 01/02/2022 18:50

We've got a friend of my daughters staying. I thought it would be a few nights and it's been weeks! I can offer no advice really. It's not affecting my mental health though. He's actually more considerate than our eldest daughter!

purplecorkheart · 01/02/2022 18:55

Yes it is a time to stand up and be crystal clear with him. His staying is damaging your mental health. You need to tell him that he cannot stay when he cannot stay in his chalet. I suspect that he is being a helpful guest at the moment but that will change rapidly if he feels this is a second home.

wellstopdoingitthen · 01/02/2022 19:21

Once you don the 'big girl pants' and tell him no you will feel so much better.

I, like you, hate confrontation but years ago a friend was moving house and asked to move in with me & my family while her house was having work done. She's a good friend but I knew it would be disastrous (& more than the 2 weeks she estimated). I simply said 'no, I love our friendship too much to do that'. She was taken aback (I always say yes) & very upset at the time but it was so the right thing to do. The renovations took about 3 months & she lost 2 other friends through it.
Be strong, it will pay off.

Tigger1895 · 01/02/2022 19:26

What did he do before you moved?

Cheesychihuahua · 01/02/2022 20:06

Say No I totally feel for you had mil here since July 😲 she's been back to her home twice for about 3 weeks at a time,she doesn't like me or my 4 dogs,it make life very tense and stressful,guess need to know when they have over stayed there welcome

Dnaltocs · 01/02/2022 20:15

As I read the info., I had the impression you were a B&B
It’s time to ask him when he’s going home. Perhaps he’s rented out his home!

CallmeBadJanet · 01/02/2022 21:59

@Youarelreadyenough He is totally using you. Limit his visits to 1 week, no more than 2/3 times a year. Just say you have commitments, no need to explain further than that. Fecking chancer 🙄