AIBU to say he can’t extend his holiday?

[Youarelreadyenough]

We have moved to a lovely location in the South West, our dream place with land, no neighbours etc. almost a holiday destination!

In the last year we have had a few visitors, all for a week except 1 who is now bordering on 4 months here over 3 visits. We love him but it’s very very hard having someone else in your personal space for such an extended period of time and this time around I am really struggling with it and it’s affecting my mental health. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is a lovely helpful guest but it’s just the fact he is there.

He owns and lives in a holiday chalet where he cannot live for 2 months of the year and I think he just assumed he could live here during that time and does not have a back up plan.

He is currently dropping hints about extending his current stay which is due to be up next week and I think he’s hoping to stay until the end of February. I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

AIBU to say no?

Oh my goodness OP your last update made me want to send a hug. Go on the/ Show him the Spareroom UK app, there's also VRBO formerly Homeaway. DH is a contractor and we use them all the time. DB will easily find a lodging for two months a year. If you've accepted the rest of the month (and you know you shouldn't but just power through at this point and thank goodness Feb is short) you can text after he leaves
"you'll have to make other arrangements next time" and everytime he suggests a visit ongoing "no that doesn't work for us". I completely sympathise that it's very hard to do when he's physically in your space- so keep him out of it from now on. I hate confrontation on my own behalf but can stand up for others. I almost want your D(amn)B's number so I can ring him and tell him off! Makes me think there should be a Mumsnet CF exchange service where we anxious types can shout at each other's jerk relatives on request.

Not man enough to man up against my own brother. What’s the point. Story of my life. World is better off without me

OP the world is not better off without you. You sound like a very caring person and unfortunately caring people can get taken advantage of by others, at great expense to their own mental health.
If you don't feel able to tell him to leave, do you have a partner or spouse who can tell him to leave for you. You mention "we" in your first post so I'm presuming someone else lives there with you. Please ask your partner to get your brother out before your mental health deteriorates any more.
If your partner can't or won't speak to your brother, write your brother a letter and give it to him. In it tell him straight that he needs to be out by such and such a date as you need your space urgently.

He is completely taking advantage of your caring nature. You have done nothing wrong here at all. Having to tell him to leave is a very difficult thing to do so you should not blame yourself or say you are too weak or whatever.

Oh OP

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low. You are not the problem here. You really are not. And I bet he is using your history with him and dislike of confrontation to bulldozer you. Selfish prick.

In terms of going forward I would say
A) saying no doesn’t need to involve a row; and
B) him treating you like this is badly affected your mental health. How dare he treat you like this!

When you’re feeling a bit stronger options include
saying “you took me somewhat by surprise when you told me you expected to stay longer. I’ve reflected on it and this doesn’t work for us”
Then refuse to get into a debate just tell him “we’ve put you up for a long time now and it is time for you to move on.”
I would also make clear that if he wants to stay in future he needs to ask and not expect your home will be available.

If he starts upping the drama just stay calm and don’t engage. Broke record - time to move on. No need to justify your decision and get into why’s.

You mention “we” moved so do you have a partner who can either have the conversation with you or for you?

Op big hugs - you are more than amazing just letting him stay in your home.

Oh OP. I’m so very sorry to read your update. You must be so worn down to feel that way. It is not you, you’re not a bad person. You’re a good person who is being taken advantage of by your relative.

Please, please don’t harm yourself. It is not you and it is not your fault. When you’ve been worn down, it is difficult to get the strength to stick up for yourself. That does not make this scenario your fault. Fault is totally with your relative.

Big hug for you.

OP we’re all behind you, no one is judging you here, we want the best for you

Where the fuck is your DH in all of this? Does he know you’ve self harmed through the stress of it all? He needs to step up for your sake x

@Youarelreadyenough I am so sorry. Can you get your DH to tell your brother to just sod off?

Sending hugs OP. I also don’t like confrontation and uncomfortable situations. I also wouldn’t have said anything. You’re not the only one!! 💗

So sorry OP. Keep posting, we are here to support you xx

@Youarelreadyenough

I hope you're feeling better.

Listen, I know we've all told you that it's OK for you to tell your brother 'no'. But it's OK, too, if you just can't bring yourself to do it. We're not going to slam you and we'll still be here to hold your hand until he's gone. So don't fear coming back if you need support to get through the month.

OP how are you?

Sorry for the delay in updating. I am not in a good place.

To answer the question about ‘we’ my partner and I moved here but we split up in October I now it’s just me. Guess I’m just not out of the habit of saying we after 16 years.

Honestly, I am not okay. I am not strong enough to confront or ask him to leave so I am just trying to manage it day by day. I have a docs appointment to see about upping my anti depressants.

Thank you for all your kind words and concern, it really is appreciated xx

Oh I'm sorry OP, you'll find a solution. Do you have a friend who could come over and be there with you when you talk to him. Maybe arrange a day out with a mate and let him know on your way out the door so he's no real time to discuss it? Xx

I'm glad you've made a Dr appt. At this point you're doing what you feel 'safe' in doing, managing day to day. Do remember that if the opportunity arises and you feel safe in doing it, you can still tell him to leave. And if there is a possibility of even short term counseling or group therapy to get you through the month, do it.

Do you have the ability to get out of the house during the day to get some time away from him? Taking walks or visiting with someone? Going into town? Working in the garden? Does he have friends you could 'encourage' him to go and visit? Although you need to be careful with that so that he doesn't decide to invite them there instead.

Are you able to set up a 'sanctuary' in your bedroom? Move in books, magazines, maybe a TV? Somewhere you can shut the door and be alone?

I know none of this is optimal for your peace and quiet. But right now I think it's about trying to get as much time as you can without him 'in your view' as it were.

You'll get through this. Just focus on you and what you need to manage.

Still thinking of you and hoping your appointment goes well

Praying for strength and confidence for you. You are worth so much more than you think

Oh OP, sounds like you’ve had a tough few months. It’s a shame your bloody brother is too selfish to see what he’s doing to you. Hopefully the GP can help. I agree with the PP about making yourself a little nest somewhere and shutting the world out. The birds and flowers will be out in force soon, spring will um spring and that might help lift the grey x

UPDATE

it took a total meltdown and a lot of alcohol but I’ve told him and he’s going in Friday not to return until at least next year! If at all 😬

Well done!

Gosh - sounds like your buttons were pushed beyond endurance! How did he take it? And more importantly, how do you feel?

it took a total meltdown and a lot of alcohol but I’ve told him and he’s going in Friday not to return until at least next year! If at all

Good!
Not the meltdown and alcohol obviously but telling him!! Bloody good riddance.
And now you can take some time for yourself and allow yourself to heal after the end of your relationship which was never going to happen with some leech hanging around stressing you out.

Well done OP! I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now, and that it look so much for you to stand up for yourself.

Well done OP, that's magnificent of you

Oh, wonderful!!!!

You did it!!! Even if it did take liquid courage, YOU DID IT!!!

I echo what @haismfh has said:
^Good!
Not the meltdown and alcohol obviously but telling him!! Bloody good riddance. And now you can take some time for yourself and allow yourself to heal after the end of your relationship which was never going to happen with some leech hanging around stressing you out.^

You need the time to deal with your break up and everything else that has been going on in your life.
I genuinely wish you all the very best.

(oh, and my offer to phone him to tell him to leave should he ever show up again uninvited still stands)

Well done OP.

Whilst a total meltdown would never be my starting position in communication sometimes that is exactly what it takes with people who will ride roughshod over more subtle forms of communication. Now he is in no doubt as to where you stand.