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Original poster

AIBU to say he can’t extend his holiday?

190 replies

Youarelreadyenough · 31/01/2022 09:00

We have moved to a lovely location in the South West, our dream place with land, no neighbours etc. almost a holiday destination!

In the last year we have had a few visitors, all for a week except 1 who is now bordering on 4 months here over 3 visits. We love him but it’s very very hard having someone else in your personal space for such an extended period of time and this time around I am really struggling with it and it’s affecting my mental health. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is a lovely helpful guest but it’s just the fact he is there.

He owns and lives in a holiday chalet where he cannot live for 2 months of the year and I think he just assumed he could live here during that time and does not have a back up plan.

He is currently dropping hints about extending his current stay which is due to be up next week and I think he’s hoping to stay until the end of February. I absolutely cannot cope with this but feel terrible that he has nowhere else to go.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 31/01/2022 12:50

@ItoldyouIwastrouble

Seriously no! This is your home, sanctuary and mental wellbeing. 4 months over the year is a third!! Just a, oh that's a shame but that's not possible, it's been lovely having you but we are ready to have our home/space back for a while. Practise it, say it then walk away before you back down. Don't budge!!
Say this, because it's the truth!

Why, incidentally, do you feel sorry for him? I'm sure you have your reasons, but why should his wants/needs trump yours?

onedayoranother · 31/01/2022 13:01

He's your brother! Just tell him it's not on and on future his visits will be limited to two weeks (or whatever)! Tell him to go! You don't have to make up an excuse! He's obviously not taking your feelings into account so don't bother with his.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2022 13:01

Yes I also thought the first poster nailed it!

“It’s been lovely to have you but we’re ready for our own space back now”

Also incredulous at the Emily story above!

mumwon · 31/01/2022 13:08

you have building or decoration work that needs doing so sorry or a blunt we are busy this winter or no cannot do this this year

GnomeDePlume · 31/01/2022 13:09

This is a common problem for people living in 'interesting' locations. The first time I read about it was in Peter Mayle's A Year in Provence.

People we know dealt with potential visitors by say we would love to see you, let us know when you are thinking of coming over and we will make suggestions for accommodation.

Once people knew their visit was going to be on their own account the number of potential visitors dropped markedly.

PrincessNutella · 31/01/2022 13:14

What do you mean he has nowhere else to go? He's an adult. He has literally anywhere else on the planet to go but where you are. You are 2000 percent right to boot him out.

iamnlhfss · 31/01/2022 13:17

No to him staying.
No to making up stories/excuses about needing the room for someone else. Lies like that catch you up in the end because he'll just think he can stay again for as long as he likes if there's no well else using the room.
And definitely NO to converting an outbuilding. What the absolute fuck?=?? Most bonkers suggestion on Mumsnet this year so far.

iamnlhfss · 31/01/2022 13:19

This is a common problem for people living in 'interesting' locations. The first time I read about it was in Peter Mayle's A Year in Provence

Yup, I live in an interesting location in the Alps and loads of people wanted to come and stay until they found out I have a tiny one-bed flat and there's no room for anyone and I suggested they stay at the hotel next door or in a holiday apartment nearby.
Then no one wanted to come anymore. Freeloaders looking for a free skiing holiday...

GnomeDePlume · 31/01/2022 13:25

Thankfully when we livedin the Netherlands we were closer to Rotterdam than Amsterdam so not too many wanted to visit just for touristic purposes.

SeaToSki · 31/01/2022 13:27

He isnt a guest, he is a lodger

GnomeDePlume · 31/01/2022 13:32

@SeaToSki

He isnt a guest, he is a lodger
And can be evicted with minimal notice
TillyTopper · 31/01/2022 13:32

Of course you tell him no! It's your home (really why would you let yourself be walked all over like this?)

ADisgruntledPelican · 31/01/2022 13:38

There's too much information missing eg where he usually lives; why he had the expectation he could stay; why you've never discussed this with him.
You need to sit him down and explain he can't stay and agree at that point when you are happy for him to stay. Put the dates in writing and agree them. Then you don't need to worry about it recurring.
Are you sure your partner hasn't given your DB an expectation that he can stay as long as he wants? I'd probably check that first.

butterpuffed · 31/01/2022 13:40

@Zilla1

What was his original plan when he purchased the lease? Was it an extended Winter holiday abroad to cover the 2 months the holiday chalet needs to close? I suppose Covid might have made plan A more difficult if so.
It's connected to Council Tax, but not sure what. There are loads of chalets in this area and they all have to be unoccupied for two months of the year.
BlowDryRat · 31/01/2022 13:43

YANBU. Just say no, it doesn't work for you and you're looking forward to having your house to yourselves.

godmum56 · 31/01/2022 13:43

yes l lots of holiday homes can't be occupied for the whole of the year....it also limits the right to build permanent housing on the land....so a farmer can diversify into holiday caravans but on the basis of those, cannot then build on the land or sell the land for building.

GnomeDePlume · 31/01/2022 13:43

It is to do with defining parks as holiday or residential.

Loki01 · 31/01/2022 14:00

I would not say no to my brother who hasnt done anything wrong as you put it.
Could you make up some rules?

Nightwithhertrainofstars · 31/01/2022 14:01

"I don't understand the tendency of people to make up nonsense rather than the truth!"

As PP says, I see this so often on MN. Somebody has a problem that requires them to have a direct conversation with someone and be assertive and there are often suggestions that they fabricate some excuse. Maybe I've been living outside the UK for too long but this just doesn't make sense to me. The only solution here is to be direct, or he'll just keep coming back. Set some really clear boundaries.

Chloemol · 31/01/2022 14:02

Just say no, he can air B and B

unlikelytobe · 31/01/2022 14:08

How old is your brother? Surely he's capable of sorting his alternative accommodation out for the time he can't occupy the chalet. He knew what the deal was when he bought it so did he just assume you'd be his back up or is this only since you moved somewhere nice?

If he offers rent refuse or it will formalise this arrangement. Be clear with him you need your space back and he can't take advantage in this way.

CruCru · 31/01/2022 14:08

This happens quite often to people who move to interesting places (or have second homes). It's too easy to find yourself in the position where someone (not even someone close to you) expects that they will always have the second week of August slot.

This is where it's more polite to be direct. "It’s been lovely to have you but we’re ready for our own space back now" - I like this very much.

VodselForDinner · 31/01/2022 14:26

People who make the consequences of their choices someone else’s problems are my biggest pet hate in life.

My brother is like this. He’s computer illiterate, and loves to travel, but won’t spend extra money to use a travel agent so expects everyone else to research and book his holidays for him. Oh, and he doesn’t like to use his credit card online so tries to talk people into using theirs instead.

Fuck that. Seriously.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 31/01/2022 14:27

@Nutsabouttopic
We too moved to a very desirable holiday location. It was for ohs job, location was a bonus. We love it BUT some people got the idea it is their holiday home. I would get messages saying "Saw the forecast so we'll be down tomorrow" . Would come stay anything from two days to two weeks. I would end up cooking, cleaning, babysitting. They were all inlaws so I didn't say anything for a while. I said it to oh, who was working most of the time they were here. Next time message came in and every time after, he answers " let us know where you are booked into and we will try to meet you". Of course they were not happy but as he pointed out we never stayed with any of them nor were we invited too. He told them this is our home not a holiday property with live in staff. We have had them to stay but at our invitation with clear dates. Put your foot down now not just for your brother but for all "visitors". It's your home

That's the way to do it, well done Nuts! @Youarelreadyenough, don't ask him where he's staying next week in case he says 'here' or he 'doesn't know' and will expect to keep staying with you. Just sit him down ASAP and say 'it's been great seeing you but it's time to go, we want our space back and BTW, you'll need to make other arrangements next year for the closed season as we get too many visitors'. 'But it will be lovely to have you stay for a few days.'

Love the Emily story @PainterMummy - should have done it sooner!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/01/2022 14:35

I don't understand the tendency of people to make up nonsense rather than the truth!

It wouldn't be my choice personally, but I think it's sometimes suggested for the sake of those who gets themselves in a stew over saying no

Not ideal perhaps, but better (and a lot quicker for some) than developing a bit of assertiveness, which tends to be more a work in progress