How do I ignore my sexuality and keep my MH in check?

[Magicmixie]

I’ve been depressed nearly all of my adult life, actually I’ve been depressed all of my adult life and I’m now 40.
Anxious, depressed, self-harm, eating disorders etc
I’ve never fully understood why as I have no ‘reason’ for any of these things, or so I thought.
When I was about 14/15 I suspected I was gay and told my mother I thought this. The way she reacted made me shut it down completely and I decided there was no way I could be anything but straight. I am one long disappointment to my mother anyway, so I should have just ignored her, but at 14 I was terrified.
I’ve been ‘straight’ ever since and I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’ve maintained a marriage, had children and for years and years barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything - I just did what I was supposed to do and concentrated on my children.
However about six months ago I ended up kissing a friend (I know, I know, I’m married and a terrible person) and it brought it all back. I am as certain as I can be that I’m gay, and I really don’t want to be.
I need a way to function with this knowledge and be ok about it. I’m already on antidepressants. I’ve had therapy. Ultimately I don’t want to be gay and I want to be with my family. I don’t really understand why this is now so difficult when I’ve done it for years. I don’t even want to be ‘happy’ I just want to be not actively unhappy. I will settled for numb, which is where I’ve been for a very very long time.
My mother (who I’ve told again as an adult) says I just need to have a life outside of my marriage in terms of friends and career and I have those things. It’s not really helping. The disordered eating is not great and nor is the self-harm.
I have an appointment with the gp to see if I can up the antidepressants.

OP long gone are the days where there is stigma around being gay. It is perfectly natural to be attracted to the opposite sex.

Your mother has no say in your sexual preferences at all.

But what you have to do is be honest with your wife. Its not fair that she has been lied to all because your mother has twisted your perception on being gay.

You are 40 years old and now is the time to start being honest to yourself and your wife.

Your mum has absolutely no skin in this.

What is the worst thing that can happen if you just admit your sexuality?
What do you have to gain from coming out?

But also, you really are not doing your partner any favours here. S/he didn't knowingly sign up for a life of being your cover, so you really are being unfair.

Perhaps invest in some counselling to help sort this out?
💐

No no - I am female. I am married to a man.
I should have said lesbian I guess.

Has the OP stated that he is a gay man!!

You can't ignore your sexuality and keep your mental health! They go hand in hand. You have to address this and soon.

I’m sorry, but you can’t. What you can have is your family, to love them and be loved and innate happiness with no mental health problems, no self harm, ie the life you want. You can only have this by coming to terms with your sexuality and how you live with it. I strongly recommend some counselling to help you. Your family will be so much happier too, people, adults and children always pick up when something is wrong and they’ll suffer too. I have a lesbian dd who I love wholeheartedly, your Mum won’t stop loving you.

@Magicmixie

No no - I am female. I am married to a man. I should have said lesbian I guess.

OP I assumed you were female from your post. I honestly don’t understand the assumption made in the first reply.

The worst thing that could happen is I lose all my family (possible), devastate my husband and lose my children over it as well.
Fairly sure I’d lose my parents, my husband would use it against me to try and get full custody of the children.

Your husband sounds horrendous if he would do this.

Talk to your gp and be honest. They can recommend counselling.

I’ve been having therapy but it’s made no difference unfortunately. I’m not sure it’ll ever get to the point where I can accept it because it’s really really really not what I want, it makes me so angry because I don’t understand how I can feel like that and yet on some level not be able to stop it.

You need to come out to yourself. Find local lesbian meetups and start to find lesbian friends. Online and then in real.life. You've been depressed long enough! This part of yourself will not go away. Being a lesbian is at the core of your being- you've denied the beating heart of your being for far too long. Find support, perhaps counselling can help with this, start to come out to yourself, then eventually to your husband. You face a huge upheaval in your life, no two ways about it, but stifling who you are had made, will continue to make you unwell

I'm a lesbian who came out in her late thirties, and had to tell my husband and leave him and it was acrimonious and difficult, and I know many lesbians who have had to deal with the fall out of coming out and who have children in the mix. Some have stayed in the marriage until their children have grown some have left when their children were young. Many different scenarios, but the common thread is that need within to be, and become who you truly are.

How do you feel about your husband? Do you still love him? I guess I'm thinking about the "Boston marriage" thread and wondering if something like that would work. Massive leap though really since he is in for a huge shock.

Sorry you're in this situation and that your mum didn't support you in the first place.

Thank you all for being kind.
Believe me I’m not ‘choosing’ to feel this. If I could not be feeling it I would. It makes me angry because I want my family and that should take precedence over anything else. Logically and rationally I know that, I can’t understand how I can want something so much and it still feel like it does when I’m with my husband - like a violation.

Your husband can't use your sexuality to take the children away.

If you are incredibly depressed though, ( and I say this with kindness) is he the one that looks after everything if you are unable? If you are miserable in your current life, it may get to a point where he leaves anyways. Perhaps if you are honest with him, you can both find a way forward in parenting together.

Perhaps therapy didn't work before because you were trying to squash who you are.

Talk to us about your Husband, what’s your relationship like? Is him you don’t want to lose or his say over the children. If you could still have the children, but live separately from him would you be fine?

No, I still manage to function. I get up, I get the kids to school, I go to work, I fetch the kids, I look after them.
I’d like to go to bed and not get back up but this isn’t possible. Easily the best times of my life are when I’m asleep and when I get up in the morning I count how long it is til I can be asleep again. I’d like to sleep all the time. I’d like to not be here at all.
It’s all very self-indulgent.

If I could leave my husband and the children be ok and if he were ok as well - I’d do it. I don’t think any of them would be ok though and that’s what keeps me here. If they weren’t ok then I’d be unhappy anyway and on top of being unhappy I’d feel guilt.
The other option is wait another ten years or so.

I just don’t want to be gay. My marriage isn’t perfect but it’s good enough that if I were straight it would be fine.

My own mother tried to hide herself like this, it wasn't good for anyone involved. I figured it out when she was in her second long term relationship with a man, regularly drunk and crying about not liking men and no one understanding, always brushed it off the next day.

After her mum died, she met a lovely woman who is now her wife. She did lose some friends over it, but she made new ones and she's far happier and much more stable now than she was at any point during my childhood.

I think it probably has to come out eventually.

You can't choose not to be gay. You can't reconcile thus, therapise it away or ignore it. You have to deal with this.

Hello she might have been happier if she’d come out earlier, but would you have been?
This is what I cannot weigh up, the cost of being gay vs the cost of my family. It seems to high a price to pay and I go round and round in circles.
I feel checked out all of the time and I don’t know how to be checked back in.

Whingasaurus I’ve chosen not to be gay so far though.

How old are your kids?
Why do you think that splitting up would harm them?

OP
Why would your children not be ok?

You don't have to tell them everything all at once.

You are not doing anyone any favours by using them as an excuse to remain unhappy.
Do you genuinely think they'll thank you for it when they're older?