How do I ignore my sexuality and keep my MH in check?

[Magicmixie]

I’ve been depressed nearly all of my adult life, actually I’ve been depressed all of my adult life and I’m now 40.
Anxious, depressed, self-harm, eating disorders etc
I’ve never fully understood why as I have no ‘reason’ for any of these things, or so I thought.
When I was about 14/15 I suspected I was gay and told my mother I thought this. The way she reacted made me shut it down completely and I decided there was no way I could be anything but straight. I am one long disappointment to my mother anyway, so I should have just ignored her, but at 14 I was terrified.
I’ve been ‘straight’ ever since and I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’ve maintained a marriage, had children and for years and years barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything - I just did what I was supposed to do and concentrated on my children.
However about six months ago I ended up kissing a friend (I know, I know, I’m married and a terrible person) and it brought it all back. I am as certain as I can be that I’m gay, and I really don’t want to be.
I need a way to function with this knowledge and be ok about it. I’m already on antidepressants. I’ve had therapy. Ultimately I don’t want to be gay and I want to be with my family. I don’t really understand why this is now so difficult when I’ve done it for years. I don’t even want to be ‘happy’ I just want to be not actively unhappy. I will settled for numb, which is where I’ve been for a very very long time.
My mother (who I’ve told again as an adult) says I just need to have a life outside of my marriage in terms of friends and career and I have those things. It’s not really helping. The disordered eating is not great and nor is the self-harm.
I have an appointment with the gp to see if I can up the antidepressants.

7 years ago a couple in our social group split. She had fallen in love with a woman and realised she had suppressed her sexuality.
Not going to lie, it was messy. But it's done. The children survived, everyone moved on and all is well now.
Better you do it now while there is no one else seriously involved (I'm going g to cut Yiu some slack and ignore the kiss).

From your DH’s point of view it’s no different to you not wanting to be married to him because you’d prefer to be with someone else. And you married him without ever really loving him. Lots of straight people have done this too for various reasons and now feel trapped. So your DH would have a right to feel angry and your being gay shouldn’t make him feel more sympathetic.
The question (as it is for so many people, gay or straight, male or female) is whether you leave now, splitting the family, or wait till the children are older but then you are lying to your DH and taking away his options.
I don’t know the answer but I think, as far as your DH goes, being gay is a bit of a red herring.

I think I’d probably just not have another relationship at all. It wouldn’t really be fair to them because I’m fully aware I’d not be able to be open about being with them. It would have to remain a secret.

It is really important to understand that no-one in authority will in anyway use your sexuality in the custody/welfare of your children.

If you leave, you will need to negotiate custody. If necessary in the court. Your sexuality will not go against you.

You are worried that your kids will be damaged by your leaving. You are right it won't be easy, and yes there will be knock on effects, but honestly? You sound so unhappy, and it is not a good role model for your kids to have a mentally unhappy shut down Mum. They will be harmed by that too.

It is time to be honest with yourself, and nice to yourself.
Living numb is no live, at the moment your are sacrificing yourself for your dh and kids. That is really sad.

A court will not give your husband custody because you are gay. Courts will look at who can provide the children with the most stable home life, who is the primary caregiver, and more often than not that is the woman. Sexuality does not come into it.

There is still stigma around being gay, and it sounds like you have been around homophobic people for so longer you've started to believe what they say. They are wrong.

Your child is already showing signs of being unhappy and possibly following your unhealthy coping mechanisms. Can you use that to try to help yourself? More children end up damaged because they're in an unhappy home with mum and dad, than do living with just one parent.

My psychologist told me that depression can be your subconscious trying to tell you something in your life is hopeless, in the only way it can.
So it could very well be that you are more depressed because of having to pass as straight.
I left my marriage because it was hopeless (different cause but I was pretending/numbing to stay married) and I feel better. I'm more authentic.

Surely there are couples who have left their "straight" husband and gone on to have RL with a woman though? In fact this happened to a friend of mine .I would be surprised if DH didnt have an inkling though.It is the 21st c and people can be gay and have a family you know! Look you say you would be happy being straight ,but what you mean is you would fulfil societys expectations of you .Ie" happily married mum of two" and all that.You cannot hide who you are ,its an intrinsic part of your character .You may find the LGBT helpline useful .You will be able to talk in depth about your feelings to someone experienced .One things for sure you cannot go on like this ,it is making you unhappy

I don't understand why you think this would upset/anger your children unless they've been raised to be homophobic which is another issue entirely...

I’m sure cheating on your dh with an om is less acceptable than saying actually I’m gay.

OP, can I ask - are there cultural or religious reasons at play here? I find your view of homosexuality unusual in this dya and age, so I wonder if it is coming from a background where it is still unacceptable to be gay?

I think it is worth remembereing, that if you leave because you are unhappy, you don't have to have another relationship. But getting out of the wrong marriage will give you freedom to be yourself. To say this is me, I am gay, I am just going to live me life as me. This is who I am. That will immediately help your mental health.

Also, your kids will be 100% fine with knowing you are gay. Really, kids don't care, what they want is for your to be a happy healthy mum.
Your oldest son is really being effected by this, you owe it to them to be honest.

From the perspective of someone whose parent was gay and waited ten years to leave after admitting it to themselves, don't wait. Secrecy and the fall out of that (which might be betrayal, an inability to connect properly with your family, or your own mental illness) is much, much worse than the honest breakup of a family. If your kids are coming up to puberty this is true x ten because how can they discover themselves in a healthy way if their parent hasn't?

I do sympathise, by the way. I don't think you're a monster and I think very few things are not complicated. But honesty is the path through complication.

they’d say it wasn’t a suitable environment for the children to be raised in

OP even if they did think this it absolutely would not stand up in court as a reason for you not to have custody of your DC. Firstly they can’t discriminate against gay/lesbian people like that! It’s illegal.

I know someone who came out in his late 40s when he had a wife and a youngish teenage son. Nobody was angry, they were just sad. It was a shame that the man had hidden it for so long.

Fast forward 10 years and everyone in the family is happier. The wife has re-married and is much happier, the dad lives the life he wants, he tried settling down with a man but he didn’t fancy the quiet life! And the Son has a great relationship with both parents.

Op I’m so sorry to hear of your feeling terrible. Trying to carry on being someone you are not can be absolutely exhausting mentally, no wonder you are feeling so terrible if you have being trying your very best to be what you think you need to be.
I spent my teenage years doing as you have, try my best not to be attracted to women because I wanted a “normal” life with a husband and babies. Honestly accepting myself was so difficult but I now have a loving wife and babies. There is no reason you would lose your children, it’s possible to have joint custody I would assume. Have you spoken to your husband?

Your depression, eating disorder and self harming may negatively affect your dc. They may feel depressed as a result of living in an unhappy household and imitate your harmful behaviours. You don’t want them to develop anorexia and self harm too.

You have deceived your dh, but you don’t have to continue to do so. Be true to yourself and your family. In time, they will accept you and understand why you are the way you are (ie unhappy about pretending).

Your thinking is very muddled, which is unsurprising given you’ve been burying this for all your life.

Your husband may try to use your sexuality against you but it won’t wash in the courts so it’s irrelevant.

Splitting up does not automatically ‘damage’ children, particularly where the home was unhappy. You think your eldest is already negatively affected thus proving the point.

I know several lesbians with ex-husbands and children and also one ex-lesbian with a current husband. It’s really not uncommon and is no one else’s business but yours, as long as the children are cared for.

This isn’t going to go away, you’re going to have to face it.

I think it’s time to be truthful with yourself and accept your sexuality. Maybe this is a good time to be open with your husband about how you feel and decide where you both want to go from here.

My eldest is homophobic. He has picked it up from his dad and from school. There’s a good chance he works opt to live with his dad, even though he has always been closer to me. I think he’d be horrified and ashamed. Bit like the rest of my family 🙄

OP I have friends who were in a similar situation to you and indeed one of them still isn't out to her children or family. Everyone just pretends that they are in what's been described as a Boston marriage in another thread - two women living together for companionship. It's not idea, but it's a million percent better than when they were both suppressing their true identities.

My point being, you don't have to do this all at once. You don't have to tell your husband on Friday then lead the parade at Pride on the Saturday, you know? You can leave a marriage because you're unhappy. And you are unhappy, if you're kissing other people. Start making plans to leave your marriage and you'll start to feel better. Be honest with your therapist and consider changing to one who has expertise in this field. Stop talking to your mother about this. She's not on your side, that's a shame but you are in control of what she knows.

Keep posting here, find a Lesbian space to post on too, start moving forward. It doesn't matter if it's baby steps, honestly it doesn't. But you can't stay stuck like this, it's killing you and it's harming your children.

I don't think you should assume your children would reject you. I have two friends who came out later in life, left their husbands and in both cases the children are still with them, one has dependent children and they are fine with it and the older one sees the grandkids all the time.

You are coming from a place of depression and catastrophising, so you have concluded some very wrong things about what would happen if you left your husband.

I suppose what you have to start thinking is a) what's the damage if I stay unhappy depressed with an eating disorder to my kids vs what's the damage if I leave and set up a new life in which I am myself. There isn't an option where there's no damage because you are quite unwell already and that will impact on them. The better way to see it is- in which situation might my children flourish? My suspicion is that they would flourish if you were feeling better, and so that's the priority, not whether you and your husband are together.

Almost 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, why would yours be the one that is totally outside the bounds of what anyone could accept but everyone else is ok to go live a happier life.

Do you have therapy or counselling? It seems to me that would be the best way to explore this stuff.

Your son is only repeating what he heard at home, worryingly. What if he were gay or one of your other children were? Do you want this cycle of unhappiness to continue?

If he lived with your husband, that might be better. He may not accept it straight away, but it is very very much more accepted now in society, and my children's generation are leading the way in being open about mums/dads/brothers/sisters and themselves and their sexuality, so I don't think it would be as horrifying to him as you suspect, and if it was, that means someone has taught him to hate gay people- that's actually another reason not to stay in your current situation and not challenge anything,

Hugs to you, OP. You sound worn down with it all. I like the post about 'baby steps' above and think that may help you.

@Magicmixie

My eldest is homophobic. He has picked it up from his dad and from school. There’s a good chance he works opt to live with his dad, even though he has always been closer to me. I think he’d be horrified and ashamed. Bit like the rest of my family 🙄

why from school? That should not be the attitude of staff or kids?

It sounds like you are perhaps surrounded by a very archaic group of people and that is making this even harder for you.

I think you would be surprised to find that many people who are gay live happy lives surrounded by people that accept and care about them.

Hiding yourself is not good for you and really not good for your children. Would you want one of them to live this way?

I think you need a new counselor, a plan to tell your husband, and ultimately a path to living an honest life. You don’t have to immediately leave and start a relationship. The simple words “I think you must know I am terribly unhappy.” Might be a good start. He also deserves someone that can fully love him romantically.

This won’t be easy, but it’s not a selfish act to live life honestly. The selfish part will end the moment you come clean and start making changes.

Hi Op,

I think you need to get some counselling so you can talk to someone impartial who isn’t going to judge you and will keep everything in confidence.

It sounds like you are getting worse so keeping going as things are isn’t going to help anyone, particularly your children.

Coming out and getting divorced don’t have to be done at the same time and tbh I would probably get the divorce and custody done before I officially came out to everyone. It’s never a great idea to go from one long term relationship to the next so, take your time and get your head in a good place before you come out.

In terms of your husband, what is done is done, those years married can’t be changed, so is it crueller to keep the marriage going longer than it already has been? You both deserve a proper marriage and this isn’t it. The sooner it ends, you can both grieve for it, get your heads clear and then move on when the times right.

Youre becoming more and more aware that you can only lie to yourself for so long, but you cant lie to yourself forever. You are going to have to accept this at some point.

Because ‘lesbian’ is still used as an insult in school and so is gay. Transgender and non-binary are generally much more accepted.