How do I ignore my sexuality and keep my MH in check?

[Magicmixie]

I’ve been depressed nearly all of my adult life, actually I’ve been depressed all of my adult life and I’m now 40.
Anxious, depressed, self-harm, eating disorders etc
I’ve never fully understood why as I have no ‘reason’ for any of these things, or so I thought.
When I was about 14/15 I suspected I was gay and told my mother I thought this. The way she reacted made me shut it down completely and I decided there was no way I could be anything but straight. I am one long disappointment to my mother anyway, so I should have just ignored her, but at 14 I was terrified.
I’ve been ‘straight’ ever since and I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’ve maintained a marriage, had children and for years and years barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything - I just did what I was supposed to do and concentrated on my children.
However about six months ago I ended up kissing a friend (I know, I know, I’m married and a terrible person) and it brought it all back. I am as certain as I can be that I’m gay, and I really don’t want to be.
I need a way to function with this knowledge and be ok about it. I’m already on antidepressants. I’ve had therapy. Ultimately I don’t want to be gay and I want to be with my family. I don’t really understand why this is now so difficult when I’ve done it for years. I don’t even want to be ‘happy’ I just want to be not actively unhappy. I will settled for numb, which is where I’ve been for a very very long time.
My mother (who I’ve told again as an adult) says I just need to have a life outside of my marriage in terms of friends and career and I have those things. It’s not really helping. The disordered eating is not great and nor is the self-harm.
I have an appointment with the gp to see if I can up the antidepressants.

@Magicmixie you've been given wonderful counsell and advice here and I hope you embrace it and take steps to free yourself. I fully endorse you separating from your husband without mentioning your sexuality to him or your mother. That's for you to explore when you are free, and can built a lesbian support network. There are lesbians everywhere, many of whom have walked your walk. Reach out to them, they are your tribe,they will help you.

Everything you have said here is about what other people think. It doesn't MATTER what your mother or your husband or anyone else think. Not even your children, so long as you continue to parent them lovingly . This is YOUR life. Do what makes you happy whilst continuing to be a good , happy and loving parent. You can't live your life according to what other people think. You are a grown woman with children yourself, why does your mother's opinion matter so much to you?

You need to keep in mind this isn’t your fault, you were born gay & you can’t help it same as I was born heterosexual and I can’t change that.

[quote Joystir59]@Magicmixie you've been given wonderful counsell and advice here and I hope you embrace it and take steps to free yourself. I fully endorse you separating from your husband without mentioning your sexuality to him or your mother. That's for you to explore when you are free, and can built a lesbian support network. There are lesbians everywhere, many of whom have walked your walk. Reach out to them, they are your tribe,they will help you.[/quote]
So true @Joystir59, so very, very true. @Magicmixie you know what, you may even choose to live the rest of your life celibate, but your tribe will still be there for you. There could be so much joy in your future.

But separate first. Then see how YOU feel. What YOU want to do.

If you need someone with a crystal ball... I am around your age and with similar issues around orientation. That, compounded with a lot of stress resulted in a nervous breakdown, relationship breakdown (at the same time) and lots of time on benzos and off work. Oh, and lots of therapy. I read in one of the books that there is a theory that your true self will always try to break free. Ultimately, you are who you are and the path to happiness is through acceptance of that. Therapy will help if you can afford it.

You might find everyone copes better than you think if you don’t give them the choice. My cousin came out as gay in his late twenties and announced he was getting married to another man and honestly, I fully expected my uncle to disown him as he is a very traditional conservative Christian who fully bought into the belief that being gay is sinful. He didn’t speak to him for about a year but everyone else was fine about it, and his mother was actually relieved as she knew he’d been really unhappy for a long time and we have bipolar disorder and suicides in the family and she was terrified that he was terribly depressed and would kill himself. And my uncle interestingly did lots and lots of reading and talking to people in the church and ultimately did a total 360 and is now a huge advocate of the church being more understanding and accepting of gay people! Never thought I’d see that day! They are now very close and he came to their wedding etc and everyone is happy. Obviously it doesn’t always work out so well but I really thought it was an intractable situation with my uncle and he came around in the end.

Unfortunately, sexuality is not a choice. If you are gay then I think the best thing to do is to talk with your wife about it. You are a grown adult and you know this, so don’t let what your mother told you affect your whole life.

Firstly why do you feel the need to tell your mother about your sexuality? It’s none of her business. You shouldn’t care what she thinks or need her approval. You’re a gown woman.
secondly, being gay isn’t something to be ashamed of. You’re gay. Own it.
Thirdly, nothing makes children more unhappy than the unhappiness of their parents. It will be blatantly obvious to them that you’re unhappy and that will impact them.
You matter. . Your happiness matters. You owe it to to yourself to live authentically. Have the courage to be honest with your husband. End the relationship. Be honest with your children. Start to take control of your own life.

Oops… zombie thread!