How do I ignore my sexuality and keep my MH in check?

[Magicmixie]

I’ve been depressed nearly all of my adult life, actually I’ve been depressed all of my adult life and I’m now 40.
Anxious, depressed, self-harm, eating disorders etc
I’ve never fully understood why as I have no ‘reason’ for any of these things, or so I thought.
When I was about 14/15 I suspected I was gay and told my mother I thought this. The way she reacted made me shut it down completely and I decided there was no way I could be anything but straight. I am one long disappointment to my mother anyway, so I should have just ignored her, but at 14 I was terrified.
I’ve been ‘straight’ ever since and I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’ve maintained a marriage, had children and for years and years barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything - I just did what I was supposed to do and concentrated on my children.
However about six months ago I ended up kissing a friend (I know, I know, I’m married and a terrible person) and it brought it all back. I am as certain as I can be that I’m gay, and I really don’t want to be.
I need a way to function with this knowledge and be ok about it. I’m already on antidepressants. I’ve had therapy. Ultimately I don’t want to be gay and I want to be with my family. I don’t really understand why this is now so difficult when I’ve done it for years. I don’t even want to be ‘happy’ I just want to be not actively unhappy. I will settled for numb, which is where I’ve been for a very very long time.
My mother (who I’ve told again as an adult) says I just need to have a life outside of my marriage in terms of friends and career and I have those things. It’s not really helping. The disordered eating is not great and nor is the self-harm.
I have an appointment with the gp to see if I can up the antidepressants.

@Magicmixie

Whingasaurus I’ve chosen not to be gay so far though.

No you haven't. You've chosen to ignore it which has negatively impacted on your mental health.

Splitting up a relationship affects all kids negatively somehow. That’s not to say it is always the wrong thing but I think it must damage them in some way? It seems selfish to blow up their family over this.

my husband would use it against me to try and get full custody of the children

Why do you think this?

Because he’d be justifiably angry and he’d think me being gay would impact the children negatively. His whole family would be like that - they’d say it wasn’t a suitable environment for the children to be raised in.
Even though I’m not anticipating that I’d ever be open about having a same sex partner in front of my children whatever happens. They don’t ever need to know.

I don't know if this is any help, OP but I am in my 50s, as is a good friend of mine. When friend and their siblings were early 20s, their parents split up. Their mother came out as gay shortly afterwards.
All adult siblings have a good relationship with their mother. (Father had health issues and died some years ago, I don't know about their relationship with him)

There are few people who would end a friendship over someone's sexuality, and if they do, I would suggest that they were never worthy of being a friend in the first place.

You sound really depressed, and I think that your mother did a lot of damage by her attitude. I'm sorry that you were not listened to and supported in your teens.

As PPs have said, some counselling would help you here. Not to not be gay, but to accept yourself, to love yourself, and to see what options there are without sacrificing your happiness to appease what you think people might say.

You sound like you have such a weight to carry. It's very thoughtful of you to consider the effects of your actions on your family but your present unhappiness will not be unnoticed or unfelt by them.
You can't stop how you feel about other women and I think you need to come to terms with those thoughts first. Your Mum has made you feel guilty and ashamed about something you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed about.

OP if you’re gay you’re gay. It’s the same as if you have brown eyes or blue, it’s part of your make up.

Your mother has no say in your sexuality. And so long as you’re a good mum, and I’m sure you are, it will have absolutely no bearing on custody arrangements for your children. And as for your husband. Ok, he might or might not be shocked and possibly very angry and upset that he didn’t know but he will learn to live with it and by staying with him you’re cheating him of a partnership with someone who wants to be with him

I have a friend who came out to her husband and children a few years ago. It was hard and her mum found it hard to process and blamed herself for not knowing. And her husband was devastated as he adored her. Her kids, took it in their stride and were happy to have a happier mum. A few years down the line she has a fabulous girlfriend and her husband is engaged to a lovely lady and they co-parent very well.

Be true to yourself

Would it help to think of it less as being gay, and more of needing to leave your husband because you're not happy?

You can leave it you want to. Yes it will likely be upsetting and difficult and your children might well be upset too, but ultimately you can leave and it will be ok. If you meet someone afterwards that's great, but it doesn't feel like that's your goal here - the unhappy marriage is the problem.

It sounds like your husband and his family are homophobic, which is awful to know and deal with, but the courts will not agree with him and you will be able to keep your children.

Fwiw I have a lot of lesbian friends, many of whom have children. Some birth children, some adopted. It's an outdated view that a same sex household is inferior to a heterosexual one. It wouldn't affect your custody of your children. No court would take that view.

@Magicmixie you can live like this. You’re gay. You need to accept and embrace that in order to be happy. And your kids won’t thank you long term for staying in a sham marriage “for them”.

Also, it’s beyond sad that you’ve never had sex or a relationship with someone that you’re genuinely attracted to. You have to make a change. It’s non negotiable; you’ll end up either dead or collapsed in a heap on a psych ward if you don’t. Yes, there will be hurt and unpleasantness, but in this day and age there very little chance that you’ll lose your kids or parents. None of this will be easy but it’ll be worth it. You can’t go on all your life denying such a fundamental thing.

Being gay doesn’t make you a bad parent so your dh couldn’t use it to deny you custody of your dc.
Both yours and his family sound homophobic to me.
I think initially you need support to come to terms with your sexuality.
Then perhaps you will feel confident to make decisions about your future.
Remember dc are pretty resilient and a good mother is what’s important and your sexuality doesn’t alter that.

Reading this makes me so sad.

I have a sister who's gay, fortunately she wasn't married with dc but she spent years in denial and was so depressed until she finally came out in her thirties. She's now married to a wonderful woman and is a totally different person. I also know three lesbians who were previously married to men with dc and are now living happily with another woman - none of their children have turned against them.

None of us know your parents, or your husband. We don't know how they will react should you decide to be your true self. But surely your dc notice your mental health problems? It's impossible to mask it all the time.

Please seek therapy OP, there is so much more to this than can be dealt with in a MN post. I wish you luck and hope you can untangle this and live a happy life

@Magicmixie

Whingasaurus I’ve chosen not to be gay so far though.

You can't choose not to be gay. You've chosen not to live as a gay person.

You sound so unhappy. I know lesbians with kids, no one asks them it’s just accepted they was with a man for a while.

Hello she might have been happier if she’d come out earlier, but would you have been?
Yes, I believe so. Impossible to say really, but I'd much rather have had her present and well than what we actually lived through. I'm happier with my relationship with her now than I've been at any point previously. People who think they hide things well often don't. She does say now that she regrets not coming out decades earlier, her only pull back on that is that she may have had less children.

You're not numb though. Ignoring who you are has crippled your mental health.

I'd stop confiding in your mother for a start. You can't run away from yourself. If you're gay then you're gay.

Thank you for all the responses. They are helpful to me and I’m really grateful no one has told me I’m a terrible person who has wasted my Dh’s time (which would be a fair comment).

I guess I’m trying to work out if I’m depressed etc because of hiding being gay or if I’d be like this anyway. I’ve certainly grown more and more depressed over the years, is that just life? I cannot understand why everyone isn’t depressed when life IS so depressing.

My older child knows I am unhappy - it does impact him. His eating is also becoming disordered and I know it’s from watching me.

I suspect that you will never be happy or well until you live a truthful life.
I don’t know why you think you will lose your kids, and I’m sure your family will come round to it. Your mum has had enough warning.
Your husband is living a lie too, but he doesn’t know it.
Free yourself 💐

It is always better for the child to have happy, stable parents who can show them what a true, loving relationship looks like. You can't do that if you are lying to yourself and everyone else about who you are and are incredibly depressed. That's not good for the children. I was far, far happier once my parents were divorced so no, separation doesn't always negatively impact the children.

Also, your sexuality isn't something shameful that needs to be hidden - if you were to divorce and your husband found a new girlfriend would he be expected to hide that from them too? We live in the 21st century and nobody is going to take your children away because you're a lesbian. That would be ridiculous no matter how backwards the wider family might be. I do think you need help with accepting who you are, there's clearly alot of negative feelings you have around yourself but you cannot go on like this your mental health will only get worse. You don't deserve to live your life in misery and your children deserve a happy mum and your husband deserves the chance to find someone who loves him too.

*and certain people deserve a slap for their blatant homophobia but that's another matter....

I often think if I’d met another man my parents would be much more ok with that than me breaking up the marriage because I’m gay.
My mother has said she doesn’t understand why I’ve been ‘straight’ all these years. I said to her about trying to come out in my teens and she said yes but you were only young and you weren’t old enough to know then.
I absolutely was. I’ve known all my life, if I’m honest.

And in fact I do have friends who have ended marriages when they’ve met someone else. Two are now remarried to the men they left their husbands for. That seems more acceptable than the situation I am in - in terms of society I mean.

@Magicmixie

Because he’d be justifiably angry and he’d think me being gay would impact the children negatively. His whole family would be like that - they’d say it wasn’t a suitable environment for the children to be raised in. Even though I’m not anticipating that I’d ever be open about having a same sex partner in front of my children whatever happens. They don’t ever need to know.

You sound so ashamed.

It would be OK to have a relationship with whoever you please ‘in front of your children’ if you’re no longer married to their father.

No one can use your sexuality against you for custody, no court would agree.

Your upbringing and your husband’s family sound repressive - I’m wondering if there’s a cultural element too? But whilst you fear the worst, it’s likely the reality would not be anything like as bad. There would be a horrible period of disruption and upset, but it would improve.

You can’t stay in a marriage where you feel violated.

You don’t have to tell anyone you’re breaking up your marriage because you’re gay.

You can divorce for any reason- just being unhappy is enough.

I guess I’m trying to work out if I’m depressed etc because of hiding being gay or if I’d be like this anyway. I’ve certainly grown more and more depressed over the years, is that just life? I cannot understand why everyone isn’t depressed when life IS so depressing

I'm really sad to read this. I hope you are OK right now.

To answer your question, no, being depressed isn't just life. You don't have to be depressed, but you are in a difficult place which is the result of years of denying who you are, so this is big. As long you live against your own self, you won't be happy, because you are denying something that cannot be denied - it's a core part of who you are. It's like trying to pretend your eyes are a different colour than they are.

When you see the GP about antidepressants, please ask about counselling too. Antidepressants are like a plaster for the surface but they won't address the real deep-rooted issues. You need to talk this through with someone and figure out a way that you can live as your authentic self. There are counsellors who specialise in working with LGBT+ people with issues just like this. Please seek out some help and good luck, and finally you have not done anything wrong and are not a bad person - society has let you down.

You don’t need to end your marriage for another person, you can just end it.
Go off and be yourself, single, for a while and see what happens. Let everyone settle into the new life before looking for a relationship.