How do I ignore my sexuality and keep my MH in check?

[Magicmixie]

I’ve been depressed nearly all of my adult life, actually I’ve been depressed all of my adult life and I’m now 40.
Anxious, depressed, self-harm, eating disorders etc
I’ve never fully understood why as I have no ‘reason’ for any of these things, or so I thought.
When I was about 14/15 I suspected I was gay and told my mother I thought this. The way she reacted made me shut it down completely and I decided there was no way I could be anything but straight. I am one long disappointment to my mother anyway, so I should have just ignored her, but at 14 I was terrified.
I’ve been ‘straight’ ever since and I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’ve maintained a marriage, had children and for years and years barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything - I just did what I was supposed to do and concentrated on my children.
However about six months ago I ended up kissing a friend (I know, I know, I’m married and a terrible person) and it brought it all back. I am as certain as I can be that I’m gay, and I really don’t want to be.
I need a way to function with this knowledge and be ok about it. I’m already on antidepressants. I’ve had therapy. Ultimately I don’t want to be gay and I want to be with my family. I don’t really understand why this is now so difficult when I’ve done it for years. I don’t even want to be ‘happy’ I just want to be not actively unhappy. I will settled for numb, which is where I’ve been for a very very long time.
My mother (who I’ve told again as an adult) says I just need to have a life outside of my marriage in terms of friends and career and I have those things. It’s not really helping. The disordered eating is not great and nor is the self-harm.
I have an appointment with the gp to see if I can up the antidepressants.

So your mum would rather you had sex with your husband under duress and then burn yourself than just live a happy life?

And you continue to value her opinion?

You don’t actually have to have sex with your husband. If you don’t he might look elsewhere & your off the hook then.

None of us have to have sex if we don’t want to, and it must be awful for you.

I suppose I want to find an answer that I haven’t thought of yet, even though there probably isn’t one.
I would like to go back the time when I didn’t really ‘know.’ I suspected but was numb and functioning. It was better than now.
My mother is very concerned with how things look, she often tells me about how successful her friends’ children are. I think the subtext there is that I am not successful. 😂

I say this in the nicest possible way OP, you have an awful amount of internalised homophobia. Very likely because your mum has taught you that it's a shameful thing to be gay. It's ABSOLUTELY NOT a shameful thing. But I'm running away from what you are, you are curable depressed and you absolutely can not ever be straight. You say yourself, your husband feels like a violation. That is so heart breaking sad I am struggling to wrap my head around the depth of misery you must feel.

Your husband absolutely can not get custody of up children because you are gay. That is incredibly homophobic to suggest that somebody is a bad parent due to their sexuality. If you are the primary care giver and do the majority of drs /dentist/school runs etc then you will often retain the majority of the custody.

You deserve to be happy. And your husband deserves to find somebody that will love him and want him in a way that you can't. As much as he may fight it, he deserves the truth. He may be angry, and rightly so. But not because you are gay, but because you have been forcing yourself to have sex with him and in your own words have felt so violated.

Your kids will be absolutely fine. They might even like to meet the happy version of their mother, because that could actually be your future if you are brave enough to take it.

@Magicmixie

I suppose I want to find an answer that I haven’t thought of yet, even though there probably isn’t one. I would like to go back the time when I didn’t really ‘know.’ I suspected but was numb and functioning. It was better than now. My mother is very concerned with how things look, she often tells me about how successful her friends’ children are. I think the subtext there is that I am not successful. 😂

Nobody is going to tell you that you can pretend to be straight and live a happy life. Because you can't, as you're experiencing right now.

You need to accept yourself and stop trying to will yourself straight. And stop obsessing about what your mother will say.

You need some serious therapy OP but you also need to be open to it. Based on this thread it feels like you just shut down every suggestion that would actually help you.

Wow I don’t really understand your mum at all! The shame of what?! And why do THEY need to survive anything? I know there’s a lot of people telling you a lot of things right now. Please try and think this through logically; what does being gay have to do with parenting? Why would anyone (that needs to, courts or whoever) care whether you were gay? Ask yourself and follow your answers to the end

Just to highlight the point about therapy and convincing yourself not to be gay - it’s actually forbidden by the BACP for therapists to support you to do this.

Have you told your therapist you're gay? If they know they can help you work towards acceptance of yourself which is the only way for you to find peace and happiness.

A few weeks ago I read about a couple in the US. The met and married in the 60s, I think, in a time and place where being gay was a huge no no.

They came out to each other quite early on and decided to stay together for the sake of appearances and to get the family they both wanted.

A few years ago one of their children came out as gay and it was the push they needed to acknowledge their own sexualities, to divorce and to live their lives as their true selves. They are still great friends and live near each other. They wish they'd done it sooner. The world didn't implode when they came out. Their children still loved them and they were happy.

Ok - so you either have a Boston marriage (which is what a very close relative of mine had) - everyone knew they were partners but as they got together approx 1960s and luckily when the DC were adults it didn’t break up a family. Or you divorce and have or not a relationship with a woman as I know several women who’ve done this.

You certainly shouldn’t feel punished, any stigma or anything. Ok it’s not conventional but it’s certainly not taboo by any stretch. Maybe the therapy would help you cope with the fall out based on either of the scenarios above.

In one of the cases above my relative was bisexual and by the time she died I think she may have been straight again. But in your case it’s so clear cut that you’re gay that you need help in accepting and embracing this and once you do, a lot of your other issues will fade away.

Oh OP. I want to give you a huge hug.

This sounds so hard. I am sorry your mother reacted this way. My friend went through similar, lived in shame for years, never brought her girlfriend home. Turns out her mum had totally accepted it but hadn't said anything, and hadn't realised how upsetting her original gut reaction had been.

You are fine as you are. The love between a woman and another woman is beautiful and sacred. I am bisexual and relate to a lot of this but what you describe is so much harder than what I ever went through. You deserve to live and be what you are. Which is perfect and fine as you are!!

There are therapists who specialise in this. Please give yourself this.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

Again a huge hug from across the internet to wherever you are.

OP this is absolutely heartbreaking. I can feel your pain through your posts. I'm going to be blunt: your mum can get to fuck. The way she feels about keeping up appearances and that being gay is shameful is not shared by everyone. I won't pretend homophobia doesn't exist today – clearly, as your mum is demonstrating, it does – but there is absolutely nothing shameful about being gay, and I seriously doubt your friends would judge you if you came out and left your marriage. If they are true friends, they'd want to support you.

You've internalised so many messages that you don't matter, which is just so sad to read. You DO matter and you DO deserve to be happy – even if that is at the expense of someone else's happiness. The kids will adapt. Your husband – well, he'll just have to deal with it, won't he. Marriages and relationships break up all the time. I've been dumped before when I really didn't want the relationship to end, it was devastating, but I got over it and moved on because I had no choice. The person who wants to end the relationship gets the final say, because breaking up isn't a democracy.

I'd argue that even if you weren't gay it's not healthy for them to be around their father's homophobic attitudes. Are you concerned he might try and poison them again you if you left? That's a pretty good reason not to leave them with him, isn't it?

The only thing I'd think of someone in your position who left their marriage and came out, is how brave they were, and what a wonderful relief that they finally get to live their authentic life. I don't believe that other people's happiness should come before your own (or anyone's) even if it's kids –long term, the worst thing to do for kids is stay in an unhappy relationship. It'll really fuck up their ideas and behaviours around relationships when they're adults. Even if you think they're shielded from it, they pick things up subconsciously. Trust me, I know, I wish more than anything that my parents had divorced.

What I'm trying to say OP is that YOU MATTER. This is something I think you need to work on with your therapist, to start believing your needs can be prioritised and that you deserve to be happy.

Can you sort alternative childcare? It sounds like cutting your mum out of your life might be the first step to feeling better about yourself.

Honestly, your mum sounds evil. People have cut their mothers out of their lives (and their children's lives), justifiably, for a lot less.

@Magicmixie

My mother says they won’t survive the shame and what is she supposed to tell her friends. She says I’ve coped for this long and she doesn’t see why it’s not such a problem when it’s no advantage to anyone.

Bollocks. If she's ashamed then that's her problem, but it's not going to actually kill her. Cop on and give your head a wobble OP.

I have huge amounts of sympathy for you but it's time to step into the light lass.

Your mother will cope. It's her turn to cope with something she doesn't like, you've done it for long enough.

Have you read Harry Potter? Do you know about Boggarts - representations of our deepest fears that are overcome by laughing at them. Start laughing at your mother. Release the hold she has over you. It's not real. If she chooses to be ashamed then .... she'll feel ashamed. That's it. That's all. Her choice. Laugh at her, she's an idiot.

[quote Pebble21uk]I would be really interested to know what form your family's homophobia take, that it is SO deeply rooted in you that being gay is shameful? What do your family say or do... what kind of people are they generally that they think being gay on the 21st century is a 'bad' thing?

There is no shame in being gay. I'm a lesbian... I have a wife - and we live the most conservative (definitely witha small c) lives imaginable. We are middle-class with respectable careers, gay and straight friends - including a vicar amongst other professionals and I have a father-in-law who is the most status conscious person you would ever meet.
My wife's mother told her not to tell him about me when we first dated - because he would find it shameful. It took him a while, but once he realised all the friends he tried so deeply to impress didn't give a toss - he slowly moved into the 21st century. There really is NO shame!

I think you are allowing your thougts to get out of control and badly need some help and some perspective. Your children are NOT better off without you and you deserve not to have to live in torment. You are fighting yourself at the moment and you need some real help to start to see that you are as worthy as anyone of living a true and happy life. Do speak to your GP - with some urgency.

Here are some numbers OP... (if MN will let me link here please) please just pick up the phone or write an email and take the first step in coming out to yourself... because I think you have reached crisis point with this and as much as you will it, you won't be able to put it back in the box... so use this as an impetus to move forward instead - with support from those experienced in helping others out there.
Baby steps, no drastic moves...

lgbt.foundation/helpline
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/lgbt/[/quote]
Bumping this again @Magicmixie - use the helpline. Please.

There is an LGBT meet up in a city nearby this weekend.
I’m really tempted.

Please don't do that OP. That would feel to me like you're looking to cheat. I think first of all you need to speak to your husband really openly. He deserves to know how you are feeling and then you can take it from there. He may he more understanding than you think.

No, it’s more I want to see if it feels like a ‘fit.’ I can’t really explain it any other way.

Husband is homophobic. It won’t do any good at all to talk to him.

I’d go. You might meet a woman whose been through the same.

I think separation is the first step. get yourself and your sons in a position where you arent coerced into bed, where you can take time away from your parents. Be alone. There doesnt seem to be much time or thought given to you.

Then, as the situation becomes the new normal and you think about whether to start dating, then start thinking about the kind of person you might want to get to know.

@Magicmixie

Whingasaurus I’ve chosen not to be gay so far though.

This is so damaging. Being gay is not something you choose. It's not a lifestyle. It's part of who you are, and by ignoring it, you're making yourself depressed and talking about not wanting "to be here."

Do you really think that's better for your children than a mother out of the marriage - let alone with someone she actually loves?

@Magicmixie

There is an LGBT meet up in a city nearby this weekend. I’m really tempted.

Go. Explore. I hope you find the courage to be who you are. And while my previous post was maybe harsh, I do know how difficult it is.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I think separation is the first step. get yourself and your sons in a position where you arent coerced into bed, where you can take time away from your parents. Be alone. There doesnt seem to be much time or thought given to you.

Then, as the situation becomes the new normal and you think about whether to start dating, then start thinking about the kind of person you might want to get to know.

This. Separate first. The only reason you need to leave a relationship is that it is not working for you and makes you miserable. Sleeping with someone you don’t want to sleep with is a regular rape event, enough to make anyone reach for self numbing medication. You don’t need to mention being gay, don’t bring it into the discussion, certainly do not speak to your mother about it. Keep it private until you have some time and space to explore it. Your children love you and gain great nourishment from your love. I grew up without my mother and I can tell you it has not improved my life. As your husband earns well, your children will benefit from that . Their homophobic attitudes may well change as they grow up, or not. The very best thing about divorce is you get some down time; lie ins, long baths, long reads, hobby time. It’s very, very nice. Get some good legal advice and start moving forward. Your children won’t like the change, they never do, but they get used to it, they always do. It’s not your fault you were born gay anymore than if you were born with brown eyes or curly hair. You deserve a happier life as much as any other single person in your family.

@Magicmixie

Because he’d be justifiably angry and he’d think me being gay would impact the children negatively. His whole family would be like that - they’d say it wasn’t a suitable environment for the children to be raised in. Even though I’m not anticipating that I’d ever be open about having a same sex partner in front of my children whatever happens. They don’t ever need to know.

Why don't your children deserve to see you happy?

OP this is so sad and frustrating to read! Your internalised homophobia runs so deep causing you to create issues where none exist. I appreciate you are bound to have concerns about breaking up the family but all this talk about custody arrangements having something to do with the sexuality of the parent? It’s like reading something from the dark ages! Do you actually believe this or is this your shame talking? Surely you know that, in this day and age, a judge would be dismissed for awarding custody based on someone’s sexuality. The courts have absolutely zero interest in a parent’s sexuality. There are a lot of gay parents in the world OP, do you think they all have their children taken off them? It would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad.

Your mother is an awful excuse for a parent and grandparent who, like PPs have said, hasn’t earned the right to your consideration. You need to stop letting her awful views colour your own. She’s happy to watch you deteriorate further and further into the ground and for her grandchildren to watch it happening, as long as she doesn’t have to deal with the ‘shame’ of having a daughter who, god forbid, fancies women. It’s all so idiotic.

The way you’re talking it’s like there aren’t any other gay people in your family. If there are no openly gay people then you can guarantee there are others in your situation. Some or all of your children might be gay, even your homophobic son, as we have obviously seen in your example that those attitudes often come from a place of internalised homophobia from someone who isn’t ‘out’. Has that never occurred to you that you could be bringing up a gay child in the same homophobic environment as you were brought up in? You would be such a positive example to your children by embracing who you are. It wouldn’t need to be all at once. Leave the marriage first, continue on in therapy, get yourself sorted financially, then you can start to think about exploring your sexuality and gradually introducing the idea to your children. You’ve already told your mother so you never need to discuss this with her ever again! You’ll soon realise there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when she’s not poisoning you with her horrible outdated views!