How do I ignore my sexuality and keep my MH in check?

[Magicmixie]

I’ve been depressed nearly all of my adult life, actually I’ve been depressed all of my adult life and I’m now 40.
Anxious, depressed, self-harm, eating disorders etc
I’ve never fully understood why as I have no ‘reason’ for any of these things, or so I thought.
When I was about 14/15 I suspected I was gay and told my mother I thought this. The way she reacted made me shut it down completely and I decided there was no way I could be anything but straight. I am one long disappointment to my mother anyway, so I should have just ignored her, but at 14 I was terrified.
I’ve been ‘straight’ ever since and I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’ve maintained a marriage, had children and for years and years barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything - I just did what I was supposed to do and concentrated on my children.
However about six months ago I ended up kissing a friend (I know, I know, I’m married and a terrible person) and it brought it all back. I am as certain as I can be that I’m gay, and I really don’t want to be.
I need a way to function with this knowledge and be ok about it. I’m already on antidepressants. I’ve had therapy. Ultimately I don’t want to be gay and I want to be with my family. I don’t really understand why this is now so difficult when I’ve done it for years. I don’t even want to be ‘happy’ I just want to be not actively unhappy. I will settled for numb, which is where I’ve been for a very very long time.
My mother (who I’ve told again as an adult) says I just need to have a life outside of my marriage in terms of friends and career and I have those things. It’s not really helping. The disordered eating is not great and nor is the self-harm.
I have an appointment with the gp to see if I can up the antidepressants.

@Magicmixie

I think I’d probably just not have another relationship at all. It wouldn’t really be fair to them because I’m fully aware I’d not be able to be open about being with them. It would have to remain a secret.

Plenty of single parents date and take time to introduce their kids until they are in a serious relationship. My DH and I were together 18 months before I met his DC.

@Magicmixie

Because ‘lesbian’ is still used as an insult in school and so is gay. Transgender and non-binary are generally much more accepted.

And schools are working hard (or should be) to stamp this out, under their anti-bullying policy and under the equality act.

How old are your children?

For a start I think you need to find someone in real life to confide in other than your mum.
Have you considered just telling your husband you don't want a physical relationship anymore? Of course it would be better to be totally honest but could that be a stepping stone to change for you? So life your life as a gay woman but just one who chooses not to be in a gay relationship a the moment?

Would it help to think of the process as taking baby steps.

Divorce because your unhappy.

Sort out living arrangements for DC.

Start spending more time with other LGBT people. This could be completely separate from your DC if you want it to be. Lots of people date and don’t introduce partners to their DC for a long time.

Come out to everyone once you’ve had chance to live as your sexuality a bit more and feel happy in yourself. In this scenario your kids I assume will already be living with you most of the time, and will see how much happier you are! Your DH will have moved on, his family won’t really care.

I don’t know if that would help you move forward?

Op I was in a shit marriage for 16yrs because I didn't want to break up the family for the kids sake. When I left their dad finally after years of depression and suicidal ideation, do you know what they told me? They said if I every went back to him they'll leave me!! That was coming from 11 and 16 yr olds. They said it was painful seeing me like that and wished I left years ago. Sorry for any mistakes trying to rush as I'm late for work 😬 but born to run by Bruce Springsteen just came on my playlist and I thought it's a sign. You deserve happiness!!! And you need to remind yourself that. Take care of yourself.

Could you leave your husband, because you don't love him anymore and the marriage is making you unhappy, but don't mention your sexuallity?

Then you can explore your sexuallity without cheating, see how you feel/cope without your husband, then if you do meet a woman you want to be in a ltr with, you can come out when the time feels right?

My friend has recently been through this. She and her husband broke up then around a year later she met a lovely woman. She waited a while to introduce the DC but now they know her and it's all fine.
To the best of my knowledge she hasn't lost a single friend over it, and her family have accepted it (after some initial shock!)

You only get one life OP, you shouldn't live yours being mentally destroyed by the fear of what some narrow-minded people will think if you are honest about yourself.

OP I think your mother's attitude has done enormous damage, and you have internalised this awful sense of shame about who you are.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are who you are, and you can't simply will yourself to be straight.

You said that being gay/lesbian is not acceptable to society but that is really not the case anymore. I'm a similar age to you and the vast majority of people in our generation (and those coming after us) are accepting. We have gay friends, family, colleagues, etc. It's not something to be hidden, as was the case decades ago. Older generations obviously grew up in a different world, but many of them are very understanding too, especially once they know someone who is gay. Anyone who doesn't accept you isn't worth bothering with.

It's better for your children to have a happy mum than a miserable one.

It's better for your husband to be set free from a marriage where his wife is not attracted to him.

Most importantly, it's better for you to be true to yourself than to live a life of misery.

Are your family/community very religious @Magicmixie? Because this feels like a very strong and old fashioned reaction that you’re anticipating towards coming out. In this day and age, there’s very unlikely to be much reaction after maybe some initial shock.

@Magicmixie

Because ‘lesbian’ is still used as an insult in school and so is gay. Transgender and non-binary are generally much more accepted.

you know that this is really not OK?

That school clamp down on it, and pull kids up on it, and that it is no longer considered to be Ok?

I am really wondering where you are. I have 3 teens in secondary, they are very cool about gay kids, in fact one of my dds is gay.

There is an acceptance, they shrug and it is just normal.

really sad that that is not your experience

‘Gay’ is still used as an insult in my DS’ school. I’ve come down hard when I’ve seen/heard it but teachers & parents don’t hear every conversation so it’s impossible to police plus some fuckwit parents talk like that anyway.

No my family isn’t very religious but they are very about what ‘looks’ good. They know how unhappy I am but would still much rather I maintained the status quo.

If it's any consolation my father was gay and kept it to himself. Instead he became depressed, alcoholic and ended up dying suddenly through health problems, attributed in part to drinking. This was 25 years ago. A lot has moved on since then. However, even back then I would rather that he be truthful. The lies resulted in him being unhappy and that impacted upon all of us. Children are far more estute that you would imagine and your MH wil be impacting them. They deserve a happy mum. I personally wouldn't discuss anything with your own mother. Discuss with friends, seek help, talk to your Dr, connect with other gay people who will have been through the same. All your children will want is for you to be happy, so do what you have to do! You won't lose them over this. This is an opportunity for you to become closer and happier as a result.

OP you are holding in a massive amount of self-hatred and internalised homophobia. That can only continue to eat away at you. You cannot deny your sexuality to yourself forever. And when you can finally admit it - to yourself first of all... I'm sure you will only feel relief and know that the sky isn't going to fall in because you are a lesbian.

I'm not saying it will be easy - but it is the only way forward for your sanity. As others have said though, that can be in baby steps. Your family sound awful... but as you take baby steps into being true to yourself, you will meet others along the way who will be able to support you where your family cannot. And sometimes people can surprise you.

Can I recommend the book 'Hidden Nature' by Alys Fowler. There were no children involved, but she went through a lot of the emotions I think you may be feeling when questioning how and when to come out and leave her (terminally ill) husband to save her own sanity.

@Magicmixie

No my family isn’t very religious but they are very about what ‘looks’ good. They know how unhappy I am but would still much rather I maintained the status quo.

It doesn't look 'bad' to be gay. This is a very outdated view and it's not how the majority of people think.

If your family truly know how unhappy you are living a lie, and encourage you to do it anyway, they do not have your best interests at heart. I agree with PPs that you need friends to talk to, not your mother.

Are they really very homophobic or is it possible that you are catastrophising a bit?

They know. My mother knows that sleeping with my husband causes me to self harm - she’s seen the burns.
She still wants me to stay. I’m way too old to really care what my mother thinks but this deeply upsets me.

@Magicmixie

They know. My mother knows that sleeping with my husband causes me to self harm - she’s seen the burns. She still wants me to stay. I’m way too old to really care what my mother thinks but this deeply upsets me.

It absolutely is upsetting and her behaviour is appalling. Can you distance yourself from her a bit while you work through all of this?

I’ve tried. Unfortunately my parents look after my children one afternoon after school a week so I’m still seeing them and feel like I ‘owe’ them. The dc love seeing their grandparents too.
It’s ridiculous but even at my age I would feel more validated if she were different. Instead she says I’ve done it this long and she doesn’t see why I can’t carry on.

Oh sweetheart, your sadness and internalised homophobia jumps off the page

You are gay. That’s a fact. You can either love the rest of your one, precious life in misery, or you can live an authentic life filled with love for yourself and for others. Your
family might have 1950s attitudes but you’ll find the rest of world has moved on and you’d be quite unremarkable to most people The best possible example you can set to your children is to show them that it’s ok to be themselves.

(i’m bisexual myself - the LGBT community is diverse, welcoming and kind and you will be loved and supported, i promise)

You must stop sleeping with your husband - it’s not fair on him and more importantly it’s not fair on you. Both of you deserve a sex life that’s authentic and brings joy - not one based on discomfort and sadness.

You need to stop talking about this to your mum or family, get some external support from friends and a therapist and possibly a charity like

mindout.org.uk/

Your parents don’t have your best interests at heart.

Definitely don’t have sex with your husband. I don’t know what sort of man he is, but If he believes you are a willing participant, then it’s not fair on him. I can’t imagine how upset DH would be if he found out I was self harming as a result of sleeping with him.

Have you thought about any of the practicalities of splitting up? It is inevitable and something you need to start thinking about

DH has just been talking about his friend who split from his wife and how he couldn’t bear not seeing his children everyday.
Maybe if I leave, I leave on my own and he keeps the dc and the house etc. I sort of feel like that’s only fair given that this is my fault.

We are not living in the 1950/ anymore. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to other women. Your mothers attitude is irrelevant.
If your husband uses your sexuality against you he won’t get far.
My advice: Leave your husband. No need to give a reason, you are just very unhappy. That’s enough.

Your kids will settle down and accept things in time. Once they do, it’s time to move forward and explore your sexuality.

You can’t wast the rest of your life. You e wasted enough time.

@Magicmixie

DH has just been talking about his friend who split from his wife and how he couldn’t bear not seeing his children everyday. Maybe if I leave, I leave on my own and he keeps the dc and the house etc. I sort of feel like that’s only fair given that this is my fault.

You are desperate to punish yourself, aren't you? Assuming you'll lose everything and everyone as a punishment for being gay - it's just another form of self-harm, and one that leaves you trapped in this agony.

You could have 50/50 care of your DCs, they could move happily between two houses where they are loved and wanted.

Remember, the only reason you need to leave a relationship is that you are unhappy. That's good enough.

My heart goes out to you OP :( bit before you start jumping to custody arrangements you really need to sort out your internal self. I second all the posters advising therapy - not for your sexuality, but for what your family have done to your sense of self and the value you place on your own well-being. It is not normal for a mother to shrug off her child self harming, or for a woman to be so afraid of her husband’s reaction to her feelings.