How do I ignore my sexuality and keep my MH in check?

[Magicmixie]

I’ve been depressed nearly all of my adult life, actually I’ve been depressed all of my adult life and I’m now 40.
Anxious, depressed, self-harm, eating disorders etc
I’ve never fully understood why as I have no ‘reason’ for any of these things, or so I thought.
When I was about 14/15 I suspected I was gay and told my mother I thought this. The way she reacted made me shut it down completely and I decided there was no way I could be anything but straight. I am one long disappointment to my mother anyway, so I should have just ignored her, but at 14 I was terrified.
I’ve been ‘straight’ ever since and I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’ve maintained a marriage, had children and for years and years barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything - I just did what I was supposed to do and concentrated on my children.
However about six months ago I ended up kissing a friend (I know, I know, I’m married and a terrible person) and it brought it all back. I am as certain as I can be that I’m gay, and I really don’t want to be.
I need a way to function with this knowledge and be ok about it. I’m already on antidepressants. I’ve had therapy. Ultimately I don’t want to be gay and I want to be with my family. I don’t really understand why this is now so difficult when I’ve done it for years. I don’t even want to be ‘happy’ I just want to be not actively unhappy. I will settled for numb, which is where I’ve been for a very very long time.
My mother (who I’ve told again as an adult) says I just need to have a life outside of my marriage in terms of friends and career and I have those things. It’s not really helping. The disordered eating is not great and nor is the self-harm.
I have an appointment with the gp to see if I can up the antidepressants.

Perhaps get some therapy to help you work through this?

I’ve been having some. I was having some before I realised and I’ve continued since.
It doesn’t move me forwards.
I’m not sure what will because until I feel as though I can give myself permission to break up the family based on my unhappiness I am stuck.
My therapist said she doesn’t think I am depressed and I am essentially medicating my life. She said I’m feeling like I am because of the situation.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life unhappy? It’s as simple as that. There are no guarantees about what will happen if you leave your marriage. However there is a guarantee if you stay. You will continue to be unhappy.
Your children are being set an example of a miserable, unfulfilled mother who has made them the reason for staying in an unhappy situation. They will know you are unhappy and it will impact them negatively. Don’t make them the reason to stay.

until I feel as though I can give myself permission to break up the family based on my unhappiness I am stuck

Your children will still have a family. Two parents, just in different places. You’re not breaking up a family. You are ending a marriage.

I think you’ve convinced yourself it’s a ‘happy family’. But it’s not. Because you are unhappy. Deeply unhappy.

But that doesn’t seem to matter if everyone else is OK.
I can’t offer these dc anything, my job doesn’t pay brilliantly. DH earns ten times my wage and will be able to take the dc wherever he wants and give them all the opportunities. This is when I think maybe I should just leave on my own and not give a forwarding address. I’m not convinced I’m adding anything of value anywhere.

You think it’s all about money? You think your children only need a parent who can give them material things?

You don’t really think that, do you?

It is the shame talking.

No it’s not all about money but I’d not be able to give them a high standard of living or any opportunities.
I just think when the court looks at it - poor gay mother vs rich straight father - who is going to be given the children?
It makes me feel like giving up.

Why would the Courts care about your sexuality?

The court won’t care if you’re gay or straight.

What do you do for your children at home ? Feed them wash their clothes take them to school ? Comfort them ? All of the above ? That’s what you can offer them !

I’m still not sure why you think sexuality has anything to do with parenting. When a gay couple adopts do you think the court look for all other options because they couldn’t possibly bring up children?!

If you take your sexuality out of it, you still have big problems. A mother who is disappointed in you whatever you do and a husband who would take your children?

A court will not take anyones sexuality into account. If your husband tried to use it against you, it would go against him. The courts don’t even really care about money except that the children have the basics - bed, clothes, toys etc. They don’t care a jot about extravagances. Have you actually worked out what you’d get with your wage, any universal credit and maintenance from your husband?

But what about you - you are entitled to live a peaceful life. I hope you find a way forward. You don’t deserve to be in pain like this and your children would not be better off without you. You have the opportunity here to model to them how to live a life that is true, and not having to live for approval.

I do everything for them at the moment, but anyone could do it - it’s not difficult.
I have sometimes considered just not being here at all because then there’s no shame for my parents, my children get one home and no going back and forth, DH doesn’t get the embarrass the of a gay wife.

Your children would be devastated. Imagine them, picture them being told their Mum who does everything for them is gone.

I think you need to talk to your therapist about why you’re failing to prioritise yourself at all, to the extent you’re prioritising their need to not face their homophobia over your right to a life at all.

OP I was going to come on and say that if your marriage is generally ok etc then you could just develop your own private sexual world while you wait for things to be at an easier point for you in terms of breaking up your marriage - so let yourself indulge in fantasies where you are with a woman.

BUT then I read that sleeping with your husband is so traumatic for you that you are self harming. This has to end. Stop sleeping with him. You don’t want to. It’s causing you psychological and physical harm. It doesn’t matter why you are not attracted to him. It’s actually irrelevant that you’re gay. You’re not attracted to him and sleeping with him is hurting you. You can choose to stop hurting yourself like.

You can leave this marriage and remain single, or outwardly single. You don’t need to break up your marriage for another man or for another woman. You can break up because you aren’t enjoying sleeping with your husband. You don’t need to tell anyone it’s because you are gay. Not until you’re ready. He will be upset but he would probably be even more upset if he knew that you were sleeping with him despite it making you want to hurt yourself. And you don’t have to leave you kids behind either. What about 50/50 shared residence? That might work well too. There are lots of possible patterns that allow kids to see both parents for a decent amount of regular contact. 60/40 and 70/30 are possibilities too, Even if your kids did end up choosing to stay with their dad more, you’d still see them regularly - every other weekend and an overnight or just dinner during the week for example.

Once your out and you have some time alone then you can date women. And it’s no one’s business but your own who you date until you choose to tell them. One day perhaps you will feel able to be out to your family but it’s ok to keep your family life and dating life separate for a while until you’re comfortable with doing that. Even if that means waiting till your kids are teens or young adults. It’s also fine to let your (hopefully stbex)H assume you’re bisexual rather than exclusively lesbian if that helps family relationships stay more stable. Be honest with any new lovers though.

You do not have to and you should not continue to put yourself through this level of suffering in order to keep up appearances. It’s ridiculous. You deserve to feel some happiness in your life. Your self esteem is likely to improve once you stop hurting yourself by trying to pretend everything is ok. It’s not working anyway. The self harm and disordered eating are signs that something is wrong that others will start noticing.

The court don't care about whether you are gay or not.
Who does the majority of child care? Who is responsible for the quality of the time they have at home? I don't mean the holidays, iPads and all that - who deals with doctors appointments, school run, uniform, lunches, household chores, homework, all of the daily admin? That's where the stability is.

Why do you place so little value on yourself? You don't exist purely to make everyone else's lives run smoothly.
Why not take a shot at real happiness and fulfilment instead of just a facade?

You haven't said how old the children are. Is your thinking that you'll stay in the marriage until they're 16? 18? Have moved out?
This is showing them that other people always come first, and that it is acceptable to be miserable and in denial for the sake of aspiring to some hackeneyed "ideal".

I grew up in the 70s where the disabled, gay, people of colour, and women were all considered inferior, and a target of mockery if they did not conform. Being gay was 'wromg' because society had decided that it went against what was 'nice'. That was based on religion.
I hated those times and those views. I asked time and time again why it was so wrong that people who loved each other couldn't marry, and the reason given was that "they can't have children so it's not natural."
For what it's worth, I know lots of gay people (men and women) who have children. Families have accepted this - in some cases slowly.

Sorry for the essay.

@Magicmixie

I do everything for them at the moment, but anyone could do it - it’s not difficult. I have sometimes considered just not being here at all because then there’s no shame for my parents, my children get one home and no going back and forth, DH doesn’t get the embarrass the of a gay wife.

You need to address this very urgently in your therapy. This is completely disordered thinking. You not being there would devastate your children, you are their mother and they love you. This is shame talking.

The courts don't go 'oooh, gay - that's a point off, a bit poor, that's another two points off' - you realise how ridiculous that sounds when I write it down, right?

The courts will look at the main carer and age of the children and take it from there. If older, 50/50 will be the point from which they start. PP is also quite right in that many, many hundreds of thousands of fathers talk about how completely crushed they'd be not to live with their children and then barely manage every other weekend....

Your therapist is right that you're medicating your life, both in terms of anti-depressants, self-harm and eating disorders. But none of this will change until you change your life.

Anyone could ? Yet your DH doesn’t ? Your children will want you. Consistency.

OP your children have a homophobic father and regular access to homophobic grandparents.

Now your son has started showing signs of disordered eating.

I'm not saying the two are 100% linked, but there is the possibility that your son is having to hide who he feels he is because of the life he has currently.

How empowering it would be for your children to see you take steps to improve your wellbeing and shed the guilt of the perfectly normal and acceptable feelings you have.

I would be really interested to know what form your family's homophobia take, that it is SO deeply rooted in you that being gay is shameful? What do your family say or do... what kind of people are they generally that they think being gay on the 21st century is a 'bad' thing?

There is no shame in being gay. I'm a lesbian... I have a wife - and we live the most conservative (definitely witha small c) lives imaginable. We are middle-class with respectable careers, gay and straight friends - including a vicar amongst other professionals and I have a father-in-law who is the most status conscious person you would ever meet.
My wife's mother told her not to tell him about me when we first dated - because he would find it shameful. It took him a while, but once he realised all the friends he tried so deeply to impress didn't give a toss - he slowly moved into the 21st century. There really is NO shame!

I think you are allowing your thougts to get out of control and badly need some help and some perspective. Your children are NOT better off without you and you deserve not to have to live in torment. You are fighting yourself at the moment and you need some real help to start to see that you are as worthy as anyone of living a true and happy life. Do speak to your GP - with some urgency.

Here are some numbers OP... (if MN will let me link here please) please just pick up the phone or write an email and take the first step in coming out to yourself... because I think you have reached crisis point with this and as much as you will it, you won't be able to put it back in the box... so use this as an impetus to move forward instead - with support from those experienced in helping others out there.
Baby steps, no drastic moves...

lgbt.foundation/helpline
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/lgbt/

My mother says they won’t survive the shame and what is she supposed to tell her friends.
She says I’ve coped for this long and she doesn’t see why it’s not such a problem when it’s no advantage to anyone.

now such a problem

Erm...there is a huge advantage... to you!
Does she care so little for you? Who are these friends? You say there is no religious connection but I don't know of anyone - and I mean anyone - who cares or puts so much emphasis on their children's sexuality bringing shame, other than religious fundamentalists! This is a ridiculous situation!

You need to distance yourself from your mother - she does not have your best interests at heart.

@Magicmixie

My mother says they won’t survive the shame and what is she supposed to tell her friends. She says I’ve coped for this long and she doesn’t see why it’s not such a problem when it’s no advantage to anyone.

You need to stop listening to your mother, she's full of shit. Why do you place so much importance on her opinion?

You have six pages worth of responses here and absolutely everyone is saying the same thing, what does that tell you?

Your mum sounds like a homophobic cow to be honest.

What’s it to do with her ? Why would you care what she tells her friends ? Her bigotry is not your problem.

And it would very much be an advantage to you - you’d not be living a lie - and your children as they would know it’s ok to leave a relationship if they aren’t happy and they would get to see their mother happy.

Would you want them to grow up thinking their feelings don’t matter like you say about yours ?

I'm not sure what you want from this thread OP... you are not really engaging but just repeating the line about your mother's shame!

There are scant few details to your posts so it's hard to offer any further suggestions. Sadly, nobody can tell you how to ignore your sexuality and keep your mental health in check at the same time because it's an impossibility. But you do need to heed some of the advice in this thread. You are worthy, you can be happy & your children will be happy...
You posted a thread - so keep taking tiny steps!