Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

My partner is leaving me

137 replies

sadandfedup21 · 10/10/2021 20:09

Sorry it's not an AIBU but I'm so down. I have PND and a 6 month old. He's leaving from tomorrow he's just told me. I have no idea how I'm going to get through it alone. Sad

OP posts:
Jeschara · 10/10/2021 20:51

I hope you get through this.

sadandfedup21 · 10/10/2021 20:51

He will refuse to go now

OP posts:
Jeschara · 10/10/2021 20:52

Sorry meant to add to my post above, that I wish you all the best and hope you get support.

sadandfedup21 · 10/10/2021 20:52

Our house is privately rented (joint tenancy) and i can't afford it by myself. I'm also on mat leave right now so have less money. I will sink financially

OP posts:
inmyslippers · 10/10/2021 20:54

Probably doesn't feel it now but my life is waaay easier as a single mum. Not to say it doesn't have its ups and downs.

Tbird5 · 10/10/2021 20:56

Apply for universal credit. That will give you some financial help. I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in a same situation 3 months ago. You will get through this I promise you xxx

Embroidery · 10/10/2021 20:57

I'm so sorry.
You will get through this and come out stronger. Rely on family support x

He will probably go back on the idea btw or go then come crawling back. But its up to you whether to let him. Does he have other children. Is your ds his first? He could be having quite bad PND himself if he's trying to run away.. Unless there's OW?

sadandfedup21 · 10/10/2021 20:59

Not sure about OW. I haven't ruled it out. He has form Confused

OP posts:
sadandfedup21 · 10/10/2021 21:00

Can't lean on family right now for support as they live far away

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/10/2021 21:01

Can you move home to your father and sister?

You need supportive people around you.

Don't you worry about him hearing you telling it like it is.

If you can move to you father or sisters, contact the landlord and tell him you have been left by him, cannot afford the rend and need to move home with the baby.

Be honest.
You need support.
Flowers

Westenra · 10/10/2021 21:06

I'm sorry.

I remember when my ex left - over a decade in - it was exactly as you describe. Out of the blue and while he was hanging around after announcing it, it was as if a switch had flicked in him and nothing about me and my reactions mattered. He acted as if we had never loved each other.

Within 24 hours I went from wanting to get away to wanting to reassert myself in that space - and actually that weird shift in him made it easier, in the long run, to stop minding.

There was another woman - he didn't tell me straight away but made no sense until then. Like she had just slotted into my place in his head.

If you can, focus on business.

Don't force him out tonight instead of tomorrow for the sake of it. He's still named on the tenancy. He's responsible for his share of rent until you update the agreement. He needs to clear his goods away. Leave him to it - arrange to visit friends if you can. Don't help.

He's obviously got somewhere to go / someone to go to. So he needs to understand that he'll be liable for child maintenance, since an infant won't handle 50-50 parenting. He's also responsible for communicating changes to your landlord. This is his mess - let him handle the pressure and not just walk away.

You may well feel a lot better without him and I hope you've good friends who will help you through.

SnowyQueen · 10/10/2021 21:16

I’m sorry to hear thisSad was the relationship a bit rocky before the baby came along? I’m asking this because he might be really stressed or depressed? Ring up your dad and sister x

MrMrsJones · 10/10/2021 21:20

What a dick..

I bet there is OW

As him to leave to give you some space, I expect he is waiting for you to bey h to stay...don't do that

Westenra · 10/10/2021 21:21

@billy1966

Can you move home to your father and sister?

You need supportive people around you.

Don't you worry about him hearing you telling it like it is.

If you can move to you father or sisters, contact the landlord and tell him you have been left by him, cannot afford the rend and need to move home with the baby.

Be honest.
You need support.
Flowers

Crossed with @billy1966 - yes, if you can move with the child, tell your landlord and don't be ashamed. How's rent being paid now? He doesn't get to pull out unilaterally. If you're both leaving, whatever arrangement you have now can stay for the notice period.

I really loved my ex - and if he had come and said, I'm struggling with the relationship, can we talk, is it still working, I'd have retained respect for him. This was his reaction to a short period when I wasn't well - just up and out with someone else. And he had no child in the picture.

Don't be ashamed. Be angry if it helps, but with the aim of getting him to own his problems. He's not just trying to leave you. He's trying to leave all his responsibilities. Don't be sucked in to sorting it all out because he wants to check out. Good luck Flowers

RandomMess · 10/10/2021 21:22
Thanks

Put a claim in for UC tomorrow even if he doesn't leave but start living separately no laundry, meals, joint shopping etc.

Could you go stay with your Dad or sister for a while?

bluejelly · 10/10/2021 21:25

I broke up with my ex when my baby was v young (he cheated). Felt like the worst thing in the world but i got through it. She's now an adult, I remarried and have two amazing stepchildren. You will get through this, don't lose hope.

LowlandLucky · 10/10/2021 21:29

I so feel for you. I know you are hurting and can't see you will ever be happy again but you will. Just take each moment as it comes. Tomorrow take the keys off of him, take the baby for a walk and tell him to be gone by the time you get back. Please please call you friend now. Please keep posting, we are all here for you x x

DameMaureen · 10/10/2021 21:30

@sadandfedup21

How can he be downstairs acting like nothing happened? I don't get it
In his head he has already moved on..
CantThinkOfaUserNameAgain · 10/10/2021 21:35

I am so sorry.

But I promise you one thing it is going to be OK and you and your little one will thrive.
One day you will meet someone Kind and gentle who respects you and you will look angl. on tonight and thank your lucky stars that tonight your life changed.

You aren’t there yet but it will happen.

It happened to me and I was alone (without my mum too) with 2 young kids. That was 11 years ago and life is very very good.

You deserve the world and so much more.

Just take it hour by hour.

On a practical side If you can - make sure you have the passwords for the Bank Accounts. I would strongly suggest moving 50% of any joint funds into your own personal account. Make sure if he has payslips at home you put one away .. at some point you may need to prove his income.

You will only get one shot at a divorce agreement and if you can make your life easier later but getting hold of important paper work tonight please do it.

Workinghardeveryday · 10/10/2021 21:35

Hugs op, we are always here to chat, I know that doesn’t help much right now. Feel free to pm me xx

Cryalot2 · 10/10/2021 21:40

Just wanting to know how you areFlowers

LittleOwl153 · 10/10/2021 21:42

DO NOT do the "pick me" dance. He has made his choice let him go. Now you need to get your ducks in a row...

Do you have any joint accounts? If you do - close them. Take at least half the money - plus this months rent. As a joint tenant he is liable for it. Don't let him clear you out as well.

Put in a claim for Universal Credit as well as Child Maintenance. The sooner you get those in the sooner the money starts to come in. You are doing a solo UC claim and a CMS claim from him for your child. You do not need any more than basic details about him so don't delay because of details.

How much is your rent? Check out what Universal Credit housing allowance for your area is. You will only be entitled to a 1-bed so likely the rate will not cover the whole rent but you might be able to make it work. If not then don't take over the tenancy. Your Ex Partner will need to sort that out with the landlord if you cannot pay. You can offer what the housing allowance is to the landlord and say they will need to deal with you partner for the remainer or let you out of the agreement.

You may find your depression lifts without him around - it is amazing the impact these men have. However if not get the help you need through your GP/Health Visitor.

Talk to family and friends - who cares what he thinks... He is the cause of all this!

Above all - take care!

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 10/10/2021 21:47

I second the advice about moving 50% of money from any joint accounts now. I never though my ExH would clean out our joint account but he did Sad

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 10/10/2021 21:48

And this months rent as pp said

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 21:50

Apply for universal credit tomorrow. They will cover a certain amount of your rent depending on your income.

Take a couple days to yourself and concentrate on you and your child before worrying about anything else right now.
You could see if your sister or friend will stay with you for a few days just to have some extra support.