I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Have you been assessed?

Autism but high functioning?

I haven't Pumpkinstace. I have done a few of the online assessment type quizzes as I went down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why I am so crap, came out with inconclusive results and was put off by the questions that definitely don't sound like me, like an inability to relax. I am afraid of even raising the question to a health professional for fear of being laughed at or told don't be so ridiculous, lots of people are disorganised.

I haven't really looked into that TeaBea2019. I confess to having only a very rudimentary understanding of autism, probably encompassing some common myths. I would say that I believe myself to have a reasonably high degree of emotional intelligence and able to pick up on subtle social and emotional cues which I believe wouldn't really point to that but happy to be educated if I have misconceptions.

I think only an assessment can give you a true answer.

I thought I wouldn't get diagnosed and I'd be laughed at a neurotic.

Turns out I'm more neurodiverse than I thought.

I think the other aspects of ADHD which come up and really do not resonate for me are the being quick thinking and calm in a crisis and the effect of stimulants like caffeine. I absolutely hate the feeling of having had too much coffee and feel panicky and jittery.

The aspects that do strongly resonate are difficulty prioritising, sensitivity to/overwhelm with too many sounds, constantly losing things, piles of stuff everywhere, difficulty in focusing on conversations because of my loud internal dialogue, accidentally interrupting a lot, having a million ideas but not being able to execute them, focusing intently on something almost to the point of obsession, to the detriment of other activities, before losing interest.

exceptionalindividuals.com/about-us/blog/signs-of-autism-in-women-new/

Autism is different in females. If you only have basic knowledge you might have overlooked it as a possibility.

Thank you so much for replying both of you.

If you don't mind me asking Pumpkinstace, what were you diagnosed with? Was it ADHD? Was it initially via a GP referral?

It makes me feel a bit tired even thinking about going through the process to be honest. I am not sure I would even tell anyone if I were diagnosed with something- I feel like a fraud even thinking about it. It would help though, I think, if there were some kind of explanation for why I find some things difficult.

Dyspraxia? I think there's an overlap with adhd. Is it the processing bit? My DD gets overwhelmed when faced with a large tasks. She needs clear I structuring one step at a time. E.g. Tidy you room doesn't work because it overwhelms her.

Sounds like dyspraxia or maybe adhd (there is cross over)

Thanks for the suggestion Newnormal. Some bits fit but others less so. Have good dexterity and fine motor skills - I can crochet for example.

Diagnosis : just basically rubbish at adulting.

Am sure you’re not “rubbish at adulting” OP.

Another thing to consider might be whether you had any adverse childhood experiences/ trauma? That can produce all kinds of effects which often get misdiagnosed as this or that.

You sound like me and my DD, both adults and both autistic. I get support through social services to help me 'adult' better. Prior to that everything was chaotic.

This is a pretty good screening tool, although it is still weighted towards a male presentation of autism:

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/autism-and-aspergers/adult-autism-test/test?restart=00401c72cbe658c7bd3db62e5c93d587&fbclid=IwAR3XRy3ZwRrPMe_2BVALHUaGC_JvUoDbYBqN_n2Ju9TlIWkMBnwYIUZWCYE

It sounds like ADHD to me. Just because you don't tick every single box doesn't mean it isnt. My DS has adhd and when he was diagnosed I started to think that I probably have it too. I think because I procrastinate so much and im chaotic I try to overcompensate for that by coming up with lots of systems to be organised. Have you done an.pnline screening test?

ASD

I have some similar problems - though not when actually In A Job, because I then have to go to the place and do stuff.

I have to produce a pre-meeting booklet every year, and every year I don't email people early enough, and don't write up last year's minutes early enough, and don't sort out when I'm going to use the photocopier early enough, and EVERY BLOODY YEAR for the last 11 years I have said this time it will be different, and then I've spent three weeks thinking I really should email people about the reports... and now the meeting is in 11 days time and I still haven't emailed Geoff about getting hold of the hall key for the photocopying.

Pathological Demand Avoidance, I think it's called - possibly a trait of ASD (which I'm fairly certain I have) or ADHD (which I am beginning to wonder whether I have).

(Oh, and I got a 2:II too. Every now and again I'd get full marks in my handed-in worksheet (maths) so I was obviously following the concepts - just couldn't translate to a proper result. And I usually have to send my Christmas cards first class)

I'm not sure I can offer any advice, mind. But it's not just you.

Op women with adhd learn to adapt and mask at an early age, a bit like women with autism do. It may well be that you've picked up techniques to manage adhd traits, it doesn't mean that you don't have it.

Also for a dx of adhd you'll need to have demonstrated symptoms as a child - would any of the adhd symptoms that present in girls have applied?

I think you'd benefit from an assessment if it's dragging you down so much tbh, if its not adhd they might determine there's another reason for it.

I echo AnnaFiveTowns

Just because you don't tick every single box doesn't mean it isnt

I'll bet no-one who has any named neurodiverse condition that there's such an online test for could tick all of the boxes. The most anyone would achieve is 'some of those things sound a bit like me and others don't'.
No-one with a neurodiverse condition can diagnose themselves online with a few tickybox answers either - otherwise what would be the point of having an assessment carried out by medical professionals?

Several traits of one neurodiverse condition can also be present in another, it's possible to have one as the primary diagnosis and more as secondary. Only trained medical professionals can pick it all apart, which is why a professional diagnosis can help someone understand themselves. Knowing there's a reason for your seeming inability to do things like other people do can be a massive relief and a massive boost to your self-esteem.

Don't want to read and run but you sound very much like me. Was diagnosed with autism at 40 earlier this year. If I were you I'd keep an open mind about it.

I've not got a lot of time at the moment to reply but just wanted to say I relate to so much of what you've said. Whole family have their shit together, I'm never late but often very early due to anxiety about being late, I can't hold a job down these days, have a v understanding DH who works but is also a bit messy but doesn't care 😂 Honestly I feel so similar. I have about 10 alarms every day for small things. I feel I can do one area of life properly at a time. I was able to hold down a job before having my kid but haven't managed since I had him. He's 7 now. I feel I'm an ok mother but can't do much else on top of being a mum. My kid just takes up so much of my head space.

I love meeting new people but get overwhelmed easily and have trouble keeping friendships if they want a lot of my time.

Watching with interest. I suspect I'm either a shit, lazy adult or I have adhd and asd or something.

I could have written your post OP. Years ago I got a private diagnosis of inattentive type ADD (no H bc not hyperactive). I don’t have every single trait but all I know is I was very unhappy living in a messy house, disorganized at home and work, when I am actually quite capable. I was prescribed stimulants — methylphenidate at first, now switched to Elvanse. It was LIFE CHANGING. I was able to earn a master’s degree and my career has been on a good track. It’s hard to explain but when I’m on the right meds I feel myself but just more competent. Even for personal stuff I am so much more productive and efficient when I’ve taken a dose.

I take at least one day off the meds per week, more if I’m on holiday, and I went off them for my pregnancies. But other than that I would not go without these meds! I am so much happier and calmer now that I know I can get things done. Don’t get me wrong, my house isn’t totally in order and I still procrastinate but not nearly as much.

Please don’t feel shame about this, everyone has different brain chemistry and you only get one life so if you can make it better you should.

I have autism, and pretty sure I have adhd too. I'm hardly ever late because I get anxiety about it, so it's one thing I can concentrate on. I find i tend to focus on that one thing though, so I will be ready to go hours before I need to be but cannot do anything else during that time as my focus is completely on having to be at that place at that time. So basically I will sit and do nothing for hours because I am doing one thing later.

I'm fine for day to day stuff like the school run, as that's routine, it's if it's anything different from that.

I just thought I was useless at being an adult, until my youngest was going through assessment (he also has autism and adhd) and when I read up about it it was like reading about myself as a child. The Penny dropped!

I got my autism diagnosis privately, because it didn't involve phoning anyone or having to persuade a GP I've never met to refer me. Not sure if I'll ever do anything about getting assessed for adhd.

It sounds like you have adhd to me and I’m a psychologist. I would get assessed

Don't forget that you will have developed your own strategies to deal with aspects of the ADHD (if you have it), but it does sound like you may have it.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I really do appreciate it. It's kind of exhausting feeling this way so maybe pushing for assessment is worth it. Of course my adhd-like traits are helpfully another barrier to assessment as I will need to gather my emotional resources to tackle the call. Getting through to my GP is a mission so if I don't manage to get through it may take me another week or two to remember to try again and be up to it.

Merry a 2:2 in maths is nothing to sniff at! That's a proper subject!! Mine is only in French, so nowhere near as serious. I have some interesting memories of -lack of-- organisation at university - the holidays often used to take me by complete surprise. I was totally baffled by people who seemed to know what was going on.....