Would you find somewhere else to stay to give DH and DSS 'space'

[Hop27]

DH has asked if I can stay somewhere else for the weekend to give DSS and him space. No family near and wouldn't feel comfortable asking friends. So it would be a hotel. Is this the right thing to do?

If I'm honest, OP, there is no way I would be TTC with this man. You will ALWAYS come second to his son and no doubt so would a new baby.

You can not send the message to an arsehole ex that she can successfully use her own child to remove you from your own home.

Say that quite clearly to DH, and let him explain that, slightly more diplomatically, but very clearly to this bitter piece of work, who's clearly got nothing in her own life, to be this invested in ruining yours for over a decade. This is appalling. And your DH is enabling it. Without him allowing it, it would not happen. Let her remove contact. Take her to court. Once that power of controlling contact has been taken from her spiteful hands, she's a nobody in your private life, just the other parent with care, which is what she always should have been.

My DD will always come before any future partner I might have and if he has a problem with it then he is not the man for me. I will also want to do thing sometimes with just me and her.

For one time I’d go away (partly because I’d want an evening to relax by myself anyway) but make it clear that it’s only so they can try and sort things out but it won’t be happening again as it is not feasible for you to not be there every time he comes.

I do remember growing up with step parents and loving it when they were at work and hating it when they came back even though they were nice I just couldn’t be myself as much when they were there it felt.

Erm.... That would be NO.
Would I hell be dictated to by a child about when I can be in my own home.
As others have said, dh can go elsewhere with ss if he wants to get to the bottom of it.
You've even offered to lock yourself in a bedroom and it's not good enough?! Beyond unreasonable.

You can not send the message to an arsehole ex that she can successfully use her own child to remove you from your own home.

This!

Hell no. Why on earth should the child be pondered to police that. I have two children and I like to spend one on one time with them where I can, I would never think to banish my dh away. Your dh shouldn't have even suggested this. If his ds wants to spend time alone with him, then he takes him out for a meal and to the park and once lockdown is over they can do more fun stuff together. What would be better would be if he could get to the root cause of any issues his child is having.

Also there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that you need to be completely out of the house for him to "get to the bottom of it". It sounds like a spacious house where you could stay generally out of the way temporarily while he talks to him. Or alternatively he takes him for a walk to talk to him. The expectation to entirety vacate your own home, overnight as well, is ludicrous and frankly insulting. I'm actually annoyed on your behalf tbh.

The view is that a good father should always put his children first (above his new wife/GF/her kids) and do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with them. If something is cited as the reason for the child not coming over like this, then the usual advice is that the dad should either see the child elsewhere like a hotel or he should rent/buy another place if possible or his wife goes to stay elsewhere when the child comes over.

My teens don't like their father's gf (it's not because of anything I've done or said) and they said to him that they'll only go round if she's not there. The gf goes to see her family every other week to accommodate this. This has gone on for 6 years (until Covid) Now that she can't travel to see family, the kids don't go to his home and he sees them for a few hours at weekends.
I personally think it's crazy that she's left EOW for 6 years and he dropped them off here when she was on her way back but it's up to ex to decide. I understand that it's Divorced Dad Guilt but kids need parents to establish boundaries when necessary and giving them too much power makes them the parent rather than child. My kids don't even have to pick up after themselves at their Dad's. It's not resulted in a strong bond with him. They respect me more even though I am the one making them so boring stuff like chores.

OP, definitely don't TTC with him. If dss doesn't want your child around, are you going to hide them away too? It almost certainly won't be the case that this will be a one time deal. What if he wanted you gone every week? Or just Dad and the child there? You being absent is a short term solution and he needs to consider long-term strategies. Dss is at a perfect age to start taking advantage of his Dad's pandering.

If you go elsewhere, make sure that your h pays.

@mycathateseverybody

Putting your child first would be refusing to pursue a serious romantic relationship in the first place if the child was that way inclined, not making the decision to get married then relegate your spouse to second class citizen in their own home.

I agree. In fact they advise the men not to pursue a relationship at all until at least one year post divorce or separation.

Even then only if the child is settled and used to going between 2 homes should they do so.

Sometimes the child is fine and settled, but then (according to the men) their Ex who was alright then gets jealous/bitter and starts causing these problems.

From what I see, there are some men who genuinely have awful ex wives and they manipulate and alienate the kids. They speak badly of the new wife and have been quite nasty....which I hear from SMH as well.

Then there are the dads who never
kids can be fiercely loyal to their mums.....I just feel sorry for the kids who didn't ask for any of this.

Everybody's perspective is so different in these situations, but it comes over like these dads are very scared of losing a relationship with their kids and being labelled a dead beat dad and proving the Ex right.

So, yes to staying single, or to seeing the child separately at your own inconvenience. But no to expecting your spouse to put in the effort and, in this case, vacate their own home, to suit your desires and aims.

I agree. It is indeed for the dad to make the necessary arrangements to see his child elsewhere and not for his wife to vacate their home. It's unreasonable to expect your spouse to do that IMO.

In a slightly different situation I’d say OK as a one off, but in your situation if you do this it capitulates to the ex and step son, and could make the situation worse.

I assume his ex is generating this problem?

I would either just say no, or express the fear that this will make the situation worse rather than better to your husband, and suggest they go away to an air bnb - that might be a better neutral space to sort things out any way. I would also personally see a solicitor, so you are prepared for separation should it happen, as it sounds like your husband doesn’t fully have your back.

Sounds like the start of a slippery slope. So many threads where SMs are tip toeing around in their own home, cooking and cleaning up after rude SC.

OP, he should take DC away for the weekend, don’t go anywhere.

👌✅

@Hop27 what have you decided to do OP?

I'd booked a beautiful hotel with a rooftop pool and asked a girlfriend to join me. At my expense. However that didn't go to plan. I let everything get on top of me and was so ridiculously sad about the situation and all the things that are being said about me. Post edited by MNHQ to remove the mention of method around suicide
Thankfully realised I was being stupid pretty quick and took myself to A&E. Spent 24 hours in there until I was deemed low risk and discharged myself.
After all this is wasn't welcome in my own house. Yes that's right, DH or the utter twat I unfortunately married still expected me to check myself into the hotel. So as not to upset his darling snowflake.
I got myself home and have locked myself in my bedroom. Trying to think what to do next.

You poor thing, it sounds like you have had a truly awful time and been really pushed to the edge. Your DH’s lack of concern about your overdose and his assumption that you’d still go to a hotel is horrid. You are worth so much more than this OP.

Wow OP wasn't expecting that update. Are you ok now?

Your H is a wanker. Do you really want to be with someone who thinks it's ok for you to leave your own home because his teen and ex are throwing tantrums about you? Fuck the lot of them.

Leave him!!!!

And I hope you're ok

@Hop27 so sorry to hear your update, your not so ‘DH’ needs to move out and give you some space, darling I hope that you have some support in real life xxx

for you

Please take care of yourself, get some support, and get out of this situation, as it has clearly become intolerable.

Ah, what an awful situation. Please stand up for yourself, that act alone will make you feel improved. It's your house, go there and make it clear that you won't be dictated to by a 13yr old. If your partner wants the relationship to continue he needs to make it clear to his son that while he doesn't have to like you he does need to respect you. 💗

Please stop trying to get pregnant with him

I've been too scared to even go downstairs to make a tea or flush the toilet in my own house. This is completely ridiculous.

IS your DH really insisting on this and where does he think that you should go to. Is it going to become a habit,to be wanting some space, as just one time, will not solve all the issues here.

I am glad that your Husband want's to get things sorted and try and find some solutions. But his ex is not helping at all, by all that she is unreasonably saying.

I'd leave op.....kick him out and see how he likes it.