Would you find somewhere else to stay to give DH and DSS 'space'

[Hop27]

DH has asked if I can stay somewhere else for the weekend to give DSS and him space. No family near and wouldn't feel comfortable asking friends. So it would be a hotel. Is this the right thing to do?

"DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first"

"DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it"

The answer to your question is already there.

Your DH's ex is putting pressure on him to leave you.It'll be nothing to do with putting your DSS but because she's jealous/bitter/batshit crazy.

Your DSS doesn't like you and doesn't want you around because his mother is filling his head with shit about you and about yours and DH's relationship.She's using emotional abuse and blackmail here.

Your DH needs to nip his exes behaviour in the bud otherwise this will continue to affect your DSS.

It's your home and your dh has no back bone, most unattractive, eww.

I think if a weekend was needed without you there 'to get to the bottom of it' then actually a night away in a hotel for the two of them or camping is much better because they would be sharing a room for a start and away from the home environment such as consoles so far more time to actually talk. Also there would be nowhere for the DSS to run to especially if there was limited WiFi.
You leaving the marital home to accommodate the access visit sets a difficult precedent.
If DSS lives with his DM the majority of the time and she is the one feeding poison to him then you are at impasse as this won't stop but also it will be mean DSS will refuse to come to the house.

I feel very sorry for your DH as he is in a difficult situation. As a father he will want to think he has tried everything to sort out the relationship. He won't want the regret of not having tried in later years.

No, you shouldn’t leave your home for the weekend. SS needs to be told that he is always welcome to see you both but you aren’t going anywhere. Your DH can spend quality time with him away from the house (not stay over). Your SS is old enough to be told that his father loves him, cares about him very much but you are his wife which is a permanent arrangement. If SS refuses to see DH for a while that will be his choice.

We had similar behaviour from DH’s ex and children. It did get better once the stepchildren were adults!

Absolutely not! His son sounds like a brat and your DH sounds like an idiot! Do not indulge these ridiculous request and behaviours! If they want some “space”, tell your hotel to book a hotel for himself and his son.

@olivesnutsandcheeseplease

I think if a weekend was needed without you there 'to get to the bottom of it' then actually a night away in a hotel for the two of them or camping is much better because they would be sharing a room for a start and away from the home environment such as consoles so far more time to actually talk. Also there would be nowhere for the DSS to run to especially if there was limited WiFi. You leaving the marital home to accommodate the access visit sets a difficult precedent. If DSS lives with his DM the majority of the time and she is the one feeding poison to him then you are at impasse as this won't stop but also it will be mean DSS will refuse to come to the house.

I feel very sorry for your DH as he is in a difficult situation. As a father he will want to think he has tried everything to sort out the relationship. He won't want the regret of not having tried in later years.

Absolutely agree. In fact, DD, when 13, had a really bad falling out with her best friend - it was mostly DD's fault, but she couldn't see it. We tried to talk about it with her, but what sorted it was when we went away for the weekend. We had a good time doing things, so we got her relaxed, and we could talk over mealtimes and coffee-stops without her being able to run away. Obviously options are rather limited at the moment, but I do think out of the house is better for tackling a teenager about anything.

Do yourself a favour & get permanent space from both of them.

No chance I'd be leaving my home if your dh wants to see his son and he is in a phase of disliking you then do can go to him not you leaving

I think as a one off it would be ok but would probably be better for them to go somewhere. Having said that, maybe there will be high emotions so at home would be a better place to air them.

Is this a new development? Were you the OW? Just wondering what has happened to make a sudden change of there has been one

Ultimately while your DS is refusing to visit if you are there, your DH needs to spend tine with him somehow and as he says ‘try and get to the bottom of it.

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.

Absolutely not, how dare he even ask. If he wants space then he needs to go stay at a hotel, how rude and disrespectful

If you can't persuade your DH to book him and DSS into a hotel then tbh I would do what he asks as a one off. With the understanding that he takes him out for a good few hours so you can come back and do whatever you need to do.

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.

As a one of, I would (assuming it was possible to stay in a hotel etc (and you could afford it) - I dont know what the situation is in the country you are in. It might be worth it for your partner to get to the bottom of the situation. I wouldnt make a habit of it since, while I believe parents should always put their children first, this doesnt extend to allowing them to be in charge of who is staying in the house and who isnt. But as a one of: Fine. I dont know if you share finances but if you don't I would expect your partner to pay.

This is an interesting question, as I've been reading a divorce and separated men's support site to get a different insight for my work. The primary purpose of the site is for dads to get joint custody and to maintain and/or develop a good relationship with their kids at all costs post separation.

The view is that a good father should always put his children first (above his new wife/GF/her kids) and do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with them. If something is cited as the reason for the child not coming over like this, then the usual advice is that the dad should either see the child elsewhere like a hotel or he should rent/buy another place if possible or his wife goes to stay elsewhere when the child comes over.

The thinking is that this will only carry on till the child is 18 and the dad will have developed a solid relationship with his child in the meantime (without his wife present) so as an adult at 18, s/he won't be influenced by the bitter Ex.

If dad doesn't do that, then he risks the relationship with his child deteriorating, as the child refuses to see him when his wife is around. From the child's perspective, their dad has chosen a woman over them.

The dads who aren't willing to see their child without the new wife around are called out by the other men as not putting their kids first.

OP....did you get together soon after the separation?

In view of your previous posts about this boy and his nightmare mother, I absolutely would not be moving out for the weekend.

The boy needs to accept you are part of his father's life and that the house is your home just as much as his.

I can't believe you are still putting up with all this shit.

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.

For that specific purpose, maybe. But as a general rule, no.

Can you find somewhere to make it an indulgent break for you so you actually get some benefit?

@SandyY2K I think what you've posted from that men's forum is interesting but flawed, especially "the dad will have developed a solid relationship with his child in the meantime (without his wife present) so as an adult at 18, s/he won't be influenced by the bitter Ex."

If a child grows up with a spineless father who they know will put their wants (not needs) first at all times the chances of a mutually respectful relationship between father and child are not good. Putting your child first would be refusing to pursue a serious romantic relationship in the first place if the child was that way inclined, not making the decision to get married then relegate your spouse to second class citizen in their own home.

I think I would. I get the point that they could go out, but if there's going to be crying and shouting and potentially the need to have some space from each other over the course of the weekend, then it makes more sense for that to happen in the house where they have what they need and won't be disturbed by having to go and get food /bothering other guests in a hotel etc. But I would make it clear that it is a one of and cannot be considered a longtern solution to the problem

I allay feel hugely sorry for the child in all this - the level of vitriol that his mother has fot the two other carers in his life must be awful to live with. He must be torn between loyally to his primary caregiver and what he experiences at his father's house. Their in usual teenage emotions /desire for independence /lockdown shit and must be seriously struggling with the whole situation. I'm surprised that so many PP's are calling him names and I can't imagine more conflict is going to make things any easier for anyone, let alone him.

@SandyY2K I agree with the other poster who said that logic is flawed. It never ceases to amaze me when people talk about simply getting their partner/spouse to do x/y/z, as though they aren't a person in their own right. The word "audacity" springs to mind. Other people are not controllable variables in the quest to put your children first, you have to be willing for any action on that front to come from yourself. So, yes to staying single, or to seeing the child separately at your own inconvenience. But no to expecting your spouse to put in the effort and, in this case, vacate their own home, to suit your desires and aims.

Also, I don't think I've ever seen a permissive parent treated with anything other than contempt by their DC.

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.

"DH wants to get to the bottom of it."

Hmm, my reflex response was 'Hell, no!', but that made me reconsider. I'd be inclined to talk this aspect through with him, 'get to the bottom of it' is way too vague, I'd want to know how he plans to do that. And if I agreed to do it, it would be set in stone that this was a one-off and NEVER going to happen again so don't even ask.

Although, if he intends to get his son talking, I would suggest he'd have more chance of achieving that if THEY went elsewhere. Nowhere with 'baggage', somewhere completely new to the both of them that you've never been to either. Your house is your house in DSS's eyes. He'll either be resentful being there because it's your home too, or he'll be gleeful that he's managed to eject you - neither mindset will facilitate a heart-to-heart with his Dad.

And maybe some sort of activity weekend if such a thing is available. Some set-up where they can talk whilst not sitting facing each other with the planned activity of 'getting to the bottom of it'.

So overall my response would still be 'no', but for a different reason than reflex.

How did you get to this point when you were so kindly organising such a great holiday for your DSS and his best friend not that long ago??!

@Blueuggboots I'm guessing it was during one of DSS's phases of not really disliking OP.

Putting a child’s needs first is not the same as putting their wants first. Sometimes it’s the opposite.

The view is that a good father should always put his children first (above his new wife/GF/her kids) and do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with them. If something is cited as the reason for the child not coming over like this, then the usual advice is that the dad should either see the child elsewhere like a hotel or he should rent/buy another place if possible or his wife goes to stay elsewhere when the child comes over.

The thinking is that this will only carry on till the child is 18 and the dad will have developed a solid relationship with his child in the meantime (without his wife present) so as an adult at 18, s/he won't be influenced by the bitter Ex.

If dad doesn't do that, then he risks the relationship with his child deteriorating, as the child refuses to see him when his wife is around. From the child's perspective, their dad has chosen a woman over them.

I can't agree with this logic at all, on so many different levels.

Firstly, no one is arguing that OP's DH shouldn't have one-on-one time with his son to work through this - just that OP shouldn't be asked to leave her home to accommodate this as it sets a very bad precedent and will lead SS to think that he can get rid of OP on his request.. DH could easily avoid this issue by taking SS for the weekend somewhere rather than asking OP to go away.

Secondly, problems like this don't disappear when a child turns 18. If left to fester, if anything it will become more ingrained and the child has never had to process the fact that their parent has a new partner. You will end up with a situation where the step-parent is always expected to make themselves scarce when the SC is around, and where does it end?? The child won't suddenly become accepting when they grow up.

Thirdly, if the child's perspective is that by even having his partner in the house their dad is 'choosing a woman over them' then that needs to be changed by dad showing them that his partner is NOT competition and doesn't threaten their relationship - not cutting her out when the child's around so they can see they are the centre of his universe. It's not a healthy or realistic view for a child to hold.