Would you find somewhere else to stay to give DH and DSS 'space'

[Hop27]

DH has asked if I can stay somewhere else for the weekend to give DSS and him space. No family near and wouldn't feel comfortable asking friends. So it would be a hotel. Is this the right thing to do?

I'd do it but make it clear that it was absolutely a one-off and not back down, ever.

Horrible situation. This boy will grow, some distance from mum may help. Relate family counselling? Address real issues not imagined or invented ones. Good luck

He needs to tell his 13 year old son that he can't be a spoilt entitled little shit for the rest of his life. Then if he's still adamant he wants you to give them space for a couple of days he needs to be booking you into the most expensive and lavish spa hotel you can find!! Plus paying for a few treatments too.

But putting your kids first by... expecting someone else to leave? That isn't putting your kids first, that's entitlement. Putting your kids first would be taking them somewhere private for a discussion, if necessary.

And that's without mentioning whether breaking up with your wife of 12 years, who has done nothing to your child, just because they say so, is "putting them first" or indulging them to a dangerous and detrimental degree that will negatively impact them in later life.

Sorry, that was for @thedancingbear

I haven't read your previous threads, but on this one alone, no. Why are you with someone who could even suggest this?

@thedancingbear sometimes we have to do things in the kids best interest that they don't like. I don't think asking stepmum to leave the house while he is there is at all beneficial to the child in the long run. It will just teach them that if they protest enough they will get what they want.

As a one off to allow my DH to have a discussion with him about his behaviour, then yes.
As a regular occurrence or because the child was refusing to come otherwise? No.

It really depends on what the child is going through, and what issues they need to resolve. I would consider this if my dss was struggling and needed time with his father to work things through.
I wouldn't be happy to leave, but I also wouldn't be happy to stay if it meant that dss was going through something and me staying meant any issues got worse.

It doesn't sound like a spoilt brat dictating in this case, but obviously we only have basic info.

Only reason I think you should consider it is because my dd, also 13, asked me a few times to spend one on one time. It was put off and put off due to basically life and family commitments and she seemed ok, just a bit quiet perhaps. She ended up overdosing one evening. I wish I'd taken a hard stance and told eveyone (dp included) that I needed to spend time with her to find out why so quiet. Everytime I asked she said she was fine, but did want to spend some time with me.
She was fine, and is fine now, but it really hit home that I should have prioritised her when she asked (she didn't demand and she is far from a spoilt brat).

Is it feasible for you to book a spa or something somewhere? Or just book a nice hotel with room service and chill for an evening? Not ideal, and only you know the situation with your dss and whether this would be a decent thing to do.

If you are in England you might have a problem finding a hotel that would provide you with accommodation. At the moment there are only very specific categories of people that can use hotels. But I wouldn't be turfed out of my house.

I think if you bow to this suggestion, you're opening up the floodgates for future requests. You are married, living in a jointly owned marital home. He's treating you like a girlfriend who doesn't live with him, when a "don't come over this weekend, DS and I need some quality time together" conversation would be perfectly reasonable.

Surely stepson is old enough to realise there aren't many places you can go and stay at the moment.

In any case, it would set a precedent; you should not be driven out of your own home even for a day, never mind a night too.

If it is really important to 'get to the bottom' of this issue, can he not visit his son at mum's home for a day and she go out for a few hours?

I also don't get why ex wants your husband to leave you, presumably she would be the same with anyone else so what's the point? After all these years one would have hoped she'd have moved on but, whatever, it is not right to involve children in parental disputes unless it really cannot be avoided.

Good luck.

I think if it's with a view to solving an ongoing issue I would give it a shot.

It allows that space for DH to maybe set some standards for expected behaviour from DSS without you being in the background - so DSS can not turn it around on you somehow. It gives that clear distance between you, that the talk is coming from the father and not 'the wicked stepmother'!

13 yo can be manipulative barstewards.

I’d be firm and say no.
You and DH are the adults. It is your home, you both pay for it and decisions are made jointly .

DH needs to remind the 13yo that he is married, you are his wife, he does not get to dictate whether you stay in your own home or not and the 13yo is welcome at any time.

If DH wants to get to the bottom of it then he should take the 13yo camping or somewhere similar. OR if the EX wife has made this suggestion/is pushing this too. She should vacate her home so their child can spend 1-2-1 time with your DH in a ‘safe space’ ie 13yos main home.

Either way your DH needs to grow a spine and fast.

DSS is 13 and you've been together 6 years? Clearly EXW is poisoning the child's mind.
Your DH needs to grow some and put his son straight right now. You deserve respect for putting up with this but he needs to get a grip and make clear to his son you're there to stay. Don't leave your home, make him take his son out and that will set boundaries. If the DSS rules the roost it will never stop.

When you go on holiday do you take him? Is he included in joyful outings to build memories. Been there and its difficult, takes joint commitment, effort and a lot of talking. possibly consider family counselling

@cuparfull they’ve been Together 12 years. So dss was 1. Maybe that why ex is a bit bitter.

Two things stand out here.

Stepson won’t visit if you’re there.
His mother is angling for your husband to leave you.

Sounds like the mother is feeding your stepson nonsense and lies about you, judging by what the stepson is saying.

If you leave the house for a weekend, it will become a regular requirement. That’s quite a commitment.

If your stepson and his dad want time alone, they can talk about whatever it is that needs to be aired on a long 3 hour walk (somewhere nearby). Take a packed lunch.

I’d be worried the husband is going to move out over the weekend whilst you’re there!

*not there.

the dancing bear:
Personally, I'd be putting my kids first. But each to their own.
......
I think the op's husband is trying to put his child first but, really, should the op be driven out of her own home to stay in a hotel, especially during the pandemic? That seems grossly unfair.

[quote Youllbeoldertoo]@cuparfull they’ve been Together 12 years. So dss was 1. Maybe that why ex is a bit bitter.[/quote]
More than 12 years, the op has often said that the pregnancy was an 'accident' and the reason the ex is so bitter is apparently her now-husband didn't envisage a relationship and a child with ex, and bravery carried on as long as possible before leaving her and baby SS.

No one should be bitter for 12 odd years, but it's not stemmed from nothing. Absolutely one of the cases where I'm sure the ex's version of events would be just as interesting to read but, but ultimately its a now angry, hormonal 13 year old who's the result of whatever went on between the adults.

If you leave the house for a weekend, it will become a regular requirement.

This^^

He will have 'won' by forcing you out of your own home. It wouldn't be the last time and buys into the ex's agenda.

[quote MuddleMoo]@thedancingbear sometimes we have to do things in the kids best interest that they don't like. I don't think asking stepmum to leave the house while he is there is at all beneficial to the child in the long run. It will just teach them that if they protest enough they will get what they want.[/quote]
Agree.

It's a lesson in being manipulative.

I also don't get why ex wants your husband to leave you, presumably she would be the same with anyone else so what's the point?

Spite.

The gift that keeps on giving.

[quote MuddleMoo]@thedancingbear sometimes we have to do things in the kids best interest that they don't like. I don't think asking stepmum to leave the house while he is there is at all beneficial to the child in the long run. It will just teach them that if they protest enough they will get what they want.[/quote]
Absolutely agree with this.

It is not in this boy's best interests to just be able to demand totally unreasonable things and get them.

It doesn't sound like OP has done anything to warrant this dislike and certainly not to this level. Whether he likes it or not, he HAS a stepmum and his dad can either let himself be manipulated into asking his own wife to leave her home so the boy doesn't sulk, or he can at least attempt to tackle the issue.

It is up to your DH to find somewhere else to stay, not you.