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Original poster

Would you find somewhere else to stay to give DH and DSS 'space'

298 replies

Hop27 · 11/03/2021 08:28

DH has asked if I can stay somewhere else for the weekend to give DSS and him space. No family near and wouldn't feel comfortable asking friends. So it would be a hotel. Is this the right thing to do?

OP posts:
NotSeenBulling · 14/03/2021 08:54

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.
He should be 'getting to the bottom of it' away from your home then.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/03/2021 08:57

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You shouldn't have to hide anywhere because other people have decided a 13yo should rule the roost. I know this is MN and stepmothers can do no right but that is YOUR home. And this will not get better unless your DH does something now.

Hope you're feeling better Thanks

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/03/2021 09:00

@Mix56

Your life is more important than both of them. It's clearly a toxic environment for everyone, you are being driven out, husband is pathetic & spectacularly uncaring. If you go anywhere, it should be for good. You need to extricate yourself from this misery
Agree.

Hop - this was a desperate cry for help, and the person who supposedly loves you can't even recognise that his behaviour, and that of his son, has pushed you to this extreme. And he doesn't care. As long as HE is alright, and HIS SON is alright, that's all that matters.

Thank heavens you went to A&E - but I think you know what you have to do. I just hope you can find the emotional and mental strength to do it. You MUST leave this man if you are to have any chance of happiness - or even of a peaceful life.

Firstly - get all your financial ducks in a row. Then tell him to congratulate his son and his ex - they have won. you haven't the strength to fight them any longer.

Put the house on the market and get a good lawyer.

However,as for today - make as much noise as you like. Play loud music, put the TV on, go downstairs and clash around in the kitchen as you make YOURSELF a meal, cup of tea, whatever.

If your "D"H says anything tell him it's your home, too, and that if he doesn't want to spend time in it with you, then he knows where he can find a hotel.

Please DO NOT have a baby with this man!

Then get him out of your life and put this behind you as a learning experience. Communicate only through your solicitor.

I don't know how you've stood it so long.

tommyhoundmum · 14/03/2021 09:06

No, he needs to make an arrangement to do something with his child. Do not allow anyone to break up your relationship with your partner.

How did it end?

AgentJohnson · 14/03/2021 09:06

There’s no epiphany waiting for this man around the corner. Prioritising someone who treats you like an option is never a good idea.

You could have died! Time to take back the power you’ve surrendered to this twat and tell him you’re done putting up with his crap.

MiaowMiaow99 · 14/03/2021 09:08

The problem is, the timing of the cry for help forced your husband to choose you or his DS.
He picked is DS. And although I've not read your previous posts it sounds like he always will.
So you now know, loud and clear, exactly where you are in the pecking order.
It's up to you whether you accept this and stay with him or choose not to and leave.

Confusedandshaken · 14/03/2021 09:13

@MiaowMiaow99

The problem is, the timing of the cry for help forced your husband to choose you or his DS. He picked is DS. And although I've not read your previous posts it sounds like he always will. So you now know, loud and clear, exactly where you are in the pecking order. It's up to you whether you accept this and stay with him or choose not to and leave.
I agree with this. He picked his DS which was absolutely the right thing for him to do.

You have some tough choices ahead of you OP.

TiersForFears1 · 14/03/2021 09:23

I'm so sorry about what is happening. Is this the first time you've taken an overdose? Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 14/03/2021 09:44

Please look I to leaving him @hop27 if he wanted you to still go to hotel after last night he has really showed his true colours to what a heartless man he is. Hope you're feeling better today.

Twillow · 14/03/2021 09:44

I wonder if there's a lot more going on than you've said.

To me, in your second post it sounds entirely reasonable that your husnband has asked for this as a one-off to get to the bottom of a situation that is affecting all of you. If it were a request for you to eave every time ss visits that would be different.

I'm of course sorry to hear you felt so bad you resorted to an overdose, but I'm a bit unsure why this escalated to that point. On the face of it staying in a luxury hotel for a weekend even withou a friend would be heaven for many.
Do you tend to feels abandoned and desperate if you believe that you have been left out or excluded? Have you been depressed for other reasons? Is it the pressure from exW and DH not standing up to that.
In one sense it is very much about the child's interests but it should not be translated into a choice/option situation. All parties should be invested in the child's happiness by making their own adult relationships better (in an ideal world...)

It seems as though the situation will be more difficult now, I'm sorry to say, as your husband will understandably be resentful of you for adding drama to what was already a difficult triangle. I don't know you, and can't judge who is clearly in the right or otherwise but this sounds a sad mess. I'd urge you all to look into some family counselling, or for yourself at the very least.

StephenBelafonte · 14/03/2021 10:03

No I wouldn't be going into a hotel for my dh and my dss to have some time away from me.

In my house, I'm the matriach.

MichelleScarn · 14/03/2021 10:06

He picked his DS which was absolutely the right thing for him to do.

You think its right the dh told a just discharged from hospital op she's not welcome in her own home till the dh and dss decides she can come back?!

LuaDipa · 14/03/2021 10:07

As pp’s have says, this situation is damaging to you. Please listen to them and consider extricating yourself. Yes your dh has to prioritise his ds, but that shouldn’t mean completely neglecting and ignoring your needs. He is happy for you to be alone feeling like this, when most people wouldn’t leave their worst enemy after an attempt to take their own life, because it suits him. Let that sink in. You can do so much better than this. Please contact your friends and family and get the support you deserve.

MotherofTerriers · 14/03/2021 10:08

Your husband has shown you who he is, how much he cares about you and where you sit in his order of priorities.
Have a good look at you financial situation and make an appointment with a lawyer.
Could you buy him out of your house? Would you want to? If not get estate agents round to value it.
This isn’t going to get better, you deserve a better relationship than this

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2021 10:45

It seems as though the situation will be more difficult now, I'm sorry to say, as your husband will understandably be resentful of you for adding drama to what was already a difficult triangle.

I'm sorry, but are you actually saying that it is understandable and appropriate for him to feel resentful of her for overdosing?

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2021 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk Guidelines.

LucieStar · 14/03/2021 11:13

I can't believe what I'm reading.

A woman who has felt desperate enough to take an overdose is seeking support online, and is referred to as "another fucked up adult" and being accused of "adding to the drama" in relation to her stepchild and causing her husband to "resent" her.

Empathy clearly not people's strong point this morning, then ... Hmm

MNHQ
CarolineMumsnet · 14/03/2021 11:33

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way and about what you are going through at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. We also wanted to share these resources here which you might find helpful. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Very best wishes from all of us at MNHQ.
Flowers Flowers Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2021 11:42

@LucieStar

I can't believe what I'm reading.

A woman who has felt desperate enough to take an overdose is seeking support online, and is referred to as "another fucked up adult" and being accused of "adding to the drama" in relation to her stepchild and causing her husband to "resent" her.

Empathy clearly not people's strong point this morning, then ... Hmm

Tbf the vast majority of messages have been supportive, but jesus christ there have been a few corkers.
warmandtoasty2day · 14/03/2021 11:58

a four bed house, i'm wondering if he is looking to move dss in, with the thought you will quietly go away as you are feeling fragile ?
total bastard in any case not doing his son any favours either as he seems to be enabling the entitled behaviour.

Gobbeldegook · 14/03/2021 12:53
Flowers
Mix56 · 14/03/2021 14:02

This child must gave known you since he was at least 7 years old... It's not as though you gave just arrived in his adolescent life... Your husband has made a massive mess of the relationship between you. Sounds like the child needs to be told he cannot put OP out of the house that belongs equally.
He can refuse to see his father,
He is 13 he can legally opt out if he wants to now,

LucieStar · 14/03/2021 16:43

Tbf the vast majority of messages have been supportive, but jesus christ there have been a few corkers.

I know. A few too many in my view. Dreadful.

Usagi12 · 14/03/2021 16:48

I've not read the whole thread but if his goal is to spend some private time with his son to find out what's going on with him then you should let him do what he feels comfortable with. As long as this is a short term solution to an immediate need.

Oldbutstillgotit · 14/03/2021 18:55

Usagi12
Can I respectfully suggest you do read the full thread ?