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Original poster

Would you find somewhere else to stay to give DH and DSS 'space'

298 replies

Hop27 · 11/03/2021 08:28

DH has asked if I can stay somewhere else for the weekend to give DSS and him space. No family near and wouldn't feel comfortable asking friends. So it would be a hotel. Is this the right thing to do?

OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 11/03/2021 10:10

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Could ds and dp sleep in a tent in the garden voila loads of space. Seriously op don't put up with it. I would never dream of telling my partner he couldn't stay in our house and he dosnt even own /pay towards it!
This isn't a bad idea actually.. might help them bond.
Bibidy · 11/03/2021 10:10

OMG, absolutely no chance OP!

So this kid already 'doesn't like' you and now his dad wants to make it look like if he just refuses to come over because you're there then you get sent away??

No way. He can go and see SS elsewhere, you stay in your home.

Bibidy · 11/03/2021 10:11

@Tigertigertigertiger

Yes you absolutely should. It’s not that unreasonable a request and your husband absolutely needs to put his child first. If the child won’t visit when you are there then there is a big problem that needs sorting out.

As someone else said , if a woman came on here and said

“ my 13 year old daughter lives with my ex husband and visits at weekends and hates my second husband . She is now saying she won’t visit if my husband is home. Is it unreasonable of me to ask my dh to move out for the weekend so I can spend time with dd and try to get to the bottom of this ?”

Would the responses be the same ?

You can't ask someone to leave their home!!

Nothing wrong with trying to get to the bottom of it, but HE should be taking his son to a hotel/grandparents for the weekend if he wants to have a proper chat with him away from OP. Not forcing her out of her own home.

Cornishclio · 11/03/2021 10:13

I have read your other thread from last year and this seems to be a pattern. You have been with your DH for 12 years and your DSS is only early teens so you have been together for the majority of his life and either he suffers with massive anxiety or has endured the drip of poison from your DHs ex in his ear. Your DH seems to be trying not to rock the boat but giving him a weekend on his own with his son is not the issue as you keep away from him anyway. It is a control issue totally in that both the son and your DHs ex think they can push you out by your DSS refusing to visit unless you are not there.

They both need counselling, your DH needs to get more assertive and should put himself out more to be firmer with his son that your relationship is not something they can control. I would not ignore the DSS or hide away if he comes. If he refuses to come I would say you are willing to work on a relationship with him if that is what he wants but he has to be civil and if he does not want to visit that is his prerogative and his Dad will come and visit him instead. Don't apologise as you have not done anything wrong. From the sound of it he lies and is nasty and although a child or young teen that sort of behaviour needs to be called out regardless of the reasons behind it which is undoubtedly a spiteful ex. Be civil but firm with him. Children need boundaries.

Dontbeme · 11/03/2021 10:13

Wait this is kid that accused you of trying to poison him, then he and his mad mother wanted you, your DH and the two of them to go on a cruise at Christmas as a big family holiday?

OP the issue is not the ex, not the DC, the issue is your DH and his dithering about putting his head in the sand and doing nothing to put a stop to this nonsense. You are together 12 years, married 5 and this is still going on, this woman that he had a short relationship with is still trying to split you up 12 years later? You need to have it out with your DH, no more being pushed about by his ex using the DC as a weapon, no more of your DH telling you to ignore this behaviour.

AnotherBoredOne · 11/03/2021 10:14

Go and have a nice weekend away, let them sort it out. But don't make it a regular thing. If they need space going forward they go away it do day trips.

trevthecat · 11/03/2021 10:14

I think the issue here is dh. He needs to stick up for you. He needs to tell the ex he won't be splitting and the son to grow up and accept that you live there too as his wife. If you leave for the weekend, it will be asked again and again. You can't let a spoilt brat win this

BobsDouble · 11/03/2021 10:14

I think yes as a one off, in the hope it might help get to the bottom of things and clear the air.

Taikoo · 11/03/2021 10:17

Fuckin' hell, i can see where the son gets his issues from.
They both are horrible.
Tell your "D"H to go and fuck off for himself and honestly I would reconsider my marriage to such a cheeky prick.

countbackfromten · 11/03/2021 10:19

No no no no no. No. How dare he ask you that. He needs to step up and be a parent and stop letting DSS dictate things.

Minimumstandard · 11/03/2021 10:20

For a one-off, I'd do it. Find the link for a very nice hotel you want to stay in, send it to your DH and ask him to book you a room and tell him to transfer you £100 to cover eating out and activities while you're there.

ilovebrie8 · 11/03/2021 10:22

Categorically no OP! This is not acceptable you being asked to clear off and leave you home that’s astounding ...your DH needs or grow a pair and put a stop to his son thinking he can call the shots. If he doesn’t then I’d think long and hard about staying in this relationship...

Youllbeoldertoo · 11/03/2021 10:24

@Hop27 let me get this straight, dss was happy for you to take him and a friend on a luxury holiday and really spoil him with goodie bags, new clothes and adventures? But now wants space? This is a crock of shit. I take back what I said about leaving, stay and make it clear you’re here for good!

Kitdeluca1 · 11/03/2021 10:24

As a one off yes I think I would, however if DSS reports back to his mum this will be seen as a win and I feel that this would then be something your expected to do regularly. I’d make it very clear to your DH that this is a one time thing and you won’t be pushed out of your home. I really believe that a lot of these ‘wicked stepmother’ posts have an ex wife puppet master behind them, judging by your other posts I’d say I’m probably right in this case.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/03/2021 10:32

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.
Let THEM go to a hotel.

Putting your child first is one thing - indulging them is another. It may be that your DH's ex is putting (emotional) pressure on their son to cause trouble between the two of you.

Don't be forced from your home - let him take his child somewhere for a "dad-and-lad bonding weekend".

It is not up to you to be forced out of your home. If DSS refuses to come, then your DH will have to find somewhere else to meet him.

starfishmummy · 11/03/2021 10:32

As a one off then I would consider either you or father and son going to a hotel for the weekend. Or maybe father and son camping trip depending on the weather where youbare. But I somehow suspect that this is not going to be a one off.

PurpleRainDancer · 11/03/2021 10:33

@dementedpixie

No I wouldn't be leaving my house. Can't they go out somewhere if they need space?
This
PurpleRainDancer · 11/03/2021 10:35

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.
If you’re having to ‘hide’ in your own home you need to reevaluate your marriage.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/03/2021 10:36

@RedcurrantPuff

Don’t go, what kind of message does that send to the kid who frankly needs a boot up the arse and to get over himself.
THIS ^

and this v v v v v

I think it's important to maintain a boundary that that isn't acceptable to kick you out of your own house

BrumBoo · 11/03/2021 10:36

A million and one threads about your stepson and his 'evil' mother over the last couple of years from you, op. Never any change. Not sure what you're expecting from this thread either.

The whole situation never seems as black and white as you put it, the old story about you meeting your husband and she was the bitter ex who should never have fallen pregnant and could never move on stinks of 'the script'. Your own difficulties with you SS have always come through, and at times it reads like you believe the fact you have money to throw at him makes up for years of contentious issues between all of his parents. I know you've had personal issues as well, and the fact you have been very desperately trying to have your own child with your husband will not have gone unnoticed by SS, he may feel like he doesn't really fit in with either family. So honestly, maybe it would be good for them to have one weekend together alone - however (depending on you own lockdown situation over there), this doesn't mean you having to leave.

As always, I feel for your SS. I feel this 'war' will only get worse as he fully enters his teen years and I hope he can come out the other side of it a somewhat balanced adult.

Gobbeldegook · 11/03/2021 10:42

We've been through similar. Did everything I could to accommodate DSS, it's never been good enough. Every time we thought we were getting somewhere and building a relationship at last, his mother would start dripping poison in his ear about us. It's always been the mother, poor boy was terrified of letting her down, so did whatever she said or wanted, while my DH fought for a relationship with him. He's 19 now and has gone NC with us and his young siblings, because his mother had a disagreement (money) with my DH.
Usually issues boiled down to money. We pay a significant amount of maintenance, originally more than we needed to, until the NC happened. But she was always asking for more money for shoes and clothes etc (but smoking 40 a day 🙄)

In hindsight, DH should have put his foot down more when DSS was younger, but we were so terrified the mother would stop contact, as she frequently did, we just kept the peace. If we could have a do over we would have gone to court and tried for a residency order, because what I thought at the beginning was just a jelous ex, turned out to be quite the narcissist. She's done so much damage.
Please don't let the same thing happen to you guys. Put that woman in her place and don't let that poor boy be manipulated by her, and don't let him rule the roost at your home either.

YoniAndGuy · 11/03/2021 10:44

No. No way.

It is definitely not the answer to the problem and is likely to make it worse. Yes to DSS being prioritised. Yes to your DH spending all time with him alone and acknowledging his feelings.

A flat NO to DSS being shown that he can pull a face and actually get you 'removed' from your own home. - that just should never even be something that is even up for discussion. It's YOUR home. The end.

Even more of a flat NO to DSS's mother seeing this and helping to manipulate the situation further... which it sounds like is probably not helping her son at all.

Tell your DH quite calmly and pleasantly that you don't have a problem, if he does, then as the person with the problem it's up to him to change what he does.

caringcarer · 11/03/2021 10:46

Your DH needs to tell his son you are his wife and this is your home too. He is welcome to stay but you will not be leaving your own home to accommodate him. Your DH should not have even asked you this.

EggscellentEggplant · 11/03/2021 10:47

If its allowed wherever you are I'd book myself into a nice spa hotel on DHs dime and enjoy itGrin

BringMeTea · 11/03/2021 10:48

Is this a joke? Don't be ridiculous. Of course not.