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Original poster

Would you find somewhere else to stay to give DH and DSS 'space'

298 replies

Hop27 · 11/03/2021 08:28

DH has asked if I can stay somewhere else for the weekend to give DSS and him space. No family near and wouldn't feel comfortable asking friends. So it would be a hotel. Is this the right thing to do?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 11/03/2021 10:49

@BrumBoo That is a very insensitive comment. OP is to blamed, and booted out of her home, for trying to have her own child? Even if she did, feeling pushed out about it would not be a reasonable excuse for the child to expect her to leave.

The responsibility for creating a situation in which a child thinks it is appropriate to ask an adult to leave their own home is entirely on his parents, OP hasn't created this monster, so with that in mind your comment is just plain unkind.

BobRossPaints · 11/03/2021 10:49

I think that would be a very dangerous precedent to set. If DSS goes through stages of not liking you, he'll demand you're out of the house whenever it takes his fancy. DH needs to grow a pair and be a parent, not his friend.

anamazingfind · 11/03/2021 10:49

For my own sanity I would enjoy a nice short hotel stay. Can't see what the issue is with having a nice break for myself without a bad atmosphere. Obviously not a long term solution but a one or two off is no problem.

DedlyMedally · 11/03/2021 10:49

I think a lot of people are telling stories of things they would like to do in that situation, because it would make them feel like a badass.

If it's a one-off for some alone time to try to solve the issue, I don't think it's a bad thing. You're an adult. You can make him choose between a good relationship with his partner and his teenage child or you can be reasonable and make a pretty minor compromise to help solve the problem and ease a lot of stress for your partner. Chilling out at a hotel is not what I'd describe as onerous.

Book yourself a massage/spa treatment/male stripper and relax.

lanthanum · 11/03/2021 10:50

Has the lad indicated that he wants to talk things through. If not, his dad may find it's easier to get him talking if they get out of the house, where he can't just retreat from conversation. Teenagers often open up more easily whilst walking or in the car - there aren't any distractions, and they don't have to make eye contact.

You leaving the house also sends a message that the boy may have the power to make that happen again, even if the intention is that it is a one-off.

So all in all, I think you staying put and them going out for the day would make more sense.

IrmaFayLear · 11/03/2021 10:52

May I suggest reading Other People’s Children by Joanna Trollope? It’s a very good tale and raises the blood pressure with the problems of blended families! It depicts the problems of a father as well as a stepmother well. The stepmother’s position is often beyond difficult and a “weak” father is usually a man who is absolutely torn and won’t stand up to poorly-behaved children for fear of losing them.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 11/03/2021 10:52

I'd ask them both to leave. Permanently.

saraclara · 11/03/2021 10:53

If you were going to have a really deep conversation with a teenage child, about a problem that had been manifesting for years and absolutely had to be resolved, a conversation that would probably involve tears and tantrums over multiple days, would you really want it to be in a hotel room?

It's a one off, and a resolution to this long term issue is in OP's interests. In her place I'd plan a nice weekend away from them both, and hope to goodness that it results in DH establishing what's been behind this all along so that life starts to become easier.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/03/2021 10:54

Your DH's ex is turning their son into a vindictive, spiteful, manipulative bully with her poisonous behaviour.

Your DH is enabling her to do so by indulging him in his demands.

This boy's mental health will end up horribly damaged unless someone takes a stand - it may already be too late ("Give me the child until he is seven, and I will give you the man"), but honestly, letting him call the shots, not putting in reasonable boundaries etc - this isn't good for any of his relationships - ever, for the rest of his life.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/03/2021 10:56

Absolutely not. If you dh wants some alone time with his ds he works out a way to do that without throwing you out of your own home or confining you to your bedroom.

He doesn't need a whole weekend to get to the bottom of the problem.

If his ds wont come over when you are there he goes to his ds to find out what is going wrong.

funinthesun19 · 11/03/2021 10:56

No way would I be leaving the house for that reason. It’s the way he’s gone about it that’s just so wrong.
He knew what he was letting himself in for when he moved in with you, and that you will live there and be there when his DS is.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/03/2021 10:58

If you were going to have a really deep conversation with a teenage child, about a problem that had been manifesting for years and absolutely had to be resolved, a conversation that would probably involve tears and tantrums over multiple days, would you really want it to be in a hotel room?

Why not?

It is a neutral space with nothing of the disliked step-parent in it - not a cushion, she's chosen, not a discarded book, not a dropped sock, not an eyelash on a washbasin.

TBH, I think it would be the best place - or, as someone suggested upthread, get a tent. I think PP suggested camping in the garden, but if @Hop27 isn't in the UK it may be possible yo get out into the country on a campsite, or even "wild camp" in woods.

IntermittentParps · 11/03/2021 10:59

No fucking way would I leave. DH needs to step up and make clear to his son that the two of you are a united front.

BrumBoo · 11/03/2021 11:00

[quote aSofaNearYou]@BrumBoo That is a very insensitive comment. OP is to blamed, and booted out of her home, for trying to have her own child? Even if she did, feeling pushed out about it would not be a reasonable excuse for the child to expect her to leave.

The responsibility for creating a situation in which a child thinks it is appropriate to ask an adult to leave their own home is entirely on his parents, OP hasn't created this monster, so with that in mind your comment is just plain unkind.[/quote]
You regressed everything I said into that? Not at all, the op has had a very difficult time and that's absolutely no one's fault. However, her husband's existing child has suffered between his three parents for years, squabbles, disinterest, finger pointing, painting the mum as a nutter who never got over the fact her partner left her with small baby as he simply 'never wanted a relationship with her'.... the many many threads the OP has posted about this doesn't paint any of them in a good light, it's of little surprise the boy is now acting out as a teen. This isn't about a kid who started throwing his weight around, this is the chickens coming home to roost. Its completely unfair for people to be blaming the SS for being a brat when there is a huge back story here.

Vivana · 11/03/2021 11:01

Tell them to put a tent up in the garden and they can have all the space they want then Grin

VettiyaIruken · 11/03/2021 11:02

I wouldn't.
It is giving the child the absolute worst message.

If they don't want to be in the same space then they should be elsewhere. You being booted out of your own home because a child says so is hugely problematic.

However, I'd be more troubled by your husband tbh. That he thinks for a second this is reasonable doesn't bode well for you.

Holly60 · 11/03/2021 11:09

I don’t think it’s a totally unreasonable request to be honest, I can understand him wanting to resolve the issue to make it better for everyone. As long as he books you into a nice hotel and orders you some nice room service!

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 11/03/2021 11:10

Not a chuffin chance! Stay put OP, you’ll make a rod for your own back if you allow a 13 year old child to push you out of your own home.

aSofaNearYou · 11/03/2021 11:11

@DedlyMedally

I think a lot of people are telling stories of things they would like to do in that situation, because it would make them feel like a badass.

If it's a one-off for some alone time to try to solve the issue, I don't think it's a bad thing. You're an adult. You can make him choose between a good relationship with his partner and his teenage child or you can be reasonable and make a pretty minor compromise to help solve the problem and ease a lot of stress for your partner. Chilling out at a hotel is not what I'd describe as onerous.

Book yourself a massage/spa treatment/male stripper and relax.

I can safely say I have absolutely never been asked to leave my house and go and stay in a hotel because somebody visiting didn't like me. It would be a very odd and left field request, so no I don't think it is at all the "badass" thing I would "like" to do to not do this. It would be far more weird for me to do it.

A lot of the differing opinions will be lifestyle/finance related. We can't all easily afford random nights in hotels, or it would be a big deal for us to do so, whereas for some this sort of thing might be a regular recreational activity so no big deal.

The principle remains the same, however. A child should not be able to dictate than an adult must leave their home for no good reason, and it is also very likely to set a precedent given past behaviour of him and his mother.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 11/03/2021 11:11

This clearly isn't going to be a one-off though, not with the DH's attitude. He's simply taking the path of least resistance because he doesn't want or feel able to assert himself with his ex and his DS. Even if they get to have their chat without OP in the house, what's the DH planning to do with the information his DS gives him? He's clearly not going to present a united front with OP so what's the point in talking unless he's prepared to say to DS "Hop is my wife, you don't have to like her but we're a team so she's not going anywhere." If OP leaves for the weekend it will simply establish a new, much weaker, boundary line for the DS/Ex/DH to cross.

funinthesun19 · 11/03/2021 11:22

Why can’t they (Him and his day) be the ones who he books in to a nice hotel? Might be a nice atmosphere to have whatever chat he feels they need to have anyway.
I think booting the op out sets a precedence and the ds will notice this and might expect her to be booted out again.

I like the tent in the garden idea too Smile.

funinthesun19 · 11/03/2021 11:23

Him and his ds*

LilacsFreesias · 11/03/2021 11:26

I'd do it once but if it was asked again I'd say no. If your dh feels that splitting up is the best thing then so be it but I wouldnt be regularly coerced into staying away from my own home.

Standrewsschool · 11/03/2021 11:29

If they need private time to discuss a personal situation, they can go for a walk, or go in another room. I agree with others that by you leaving, it would set a precedent.

If step-son does have a problem with you, then wouldn’t it be better to be there to discuss it, and work through it?

thedancingbear · 11/03/2021 11:31

@IntermittentParps

No fucking way would I leave. DH needs to step up and make clear to his son that the two of you are a united front.
Personally, I'd be putting my kids first. But each to their own.