Would you find somewhere else to stay to give DH and DSS 'space'

[Hop27]

DH has asked if I can stay somewhere else for the weekend to give DSS and him space. No family near and wouldn't feel comfortable asking friends. So it would be a hotel. Is this the right thing to do?

Nope.
Let your DH tell his 13yr old DS that you have gone (as that will meet the criteria that a child has demanded of their parent) but you don't go anywhere.
When the child gets there, some house rules need to be set down and one of them is that the home is for DH, YOU and his DS.

If the roles were reversed and your daughter was asking for time with you alone and your DH was asked to leave, would he go? Do you think he should be asked to leave? I would say the answer to those would be no, he wouldn't and no he shouldn't be asked to leave, especially if as you've mentioned, it's a 4 bedroom house and you can keep away from each other while still remaining under the same roof.

Just my take on the situation.

No way! DSS needs a chat about how it’s your home as well, you’re part of his Dads life now but it doesn’t change his Dad’s love for him etc. And his Mum needs to get over herself!

If DH and dss want space they can go on a trip together, not kick you out of your home!

@Tigertigertigertiger

Yes you absolutely should. It’s not that unreasonable a request and your husband absolutely needs to put his child first. If the child won’t visit when you are there then there is a big problem that needs sorting out.

As someone else said , if a woman came on here and said

“ my 13 year old daughter lives with my ex husband and visits at weekends and hates my second husband . She is now saying she won’t visit if my husband is home. Is it unreasonable of me to ask my dh to move out for the weekend so I can spend time with dd and try to get to the bottom of this ?”

Would the responses be the same ?

No, the responses would be completely different. Particularly if the poster was asking for it as a one-off.

There are some really thoughtful posts on this thread, but also a load of typical knee-jerk nonsense.

@Tigertigertigertiger

Yes you absolutely should. It’s not that unreasonable a request and your husband absolutely needs to put his child first. If the child won’t visit when you are there then there is a big problem that needs sorting out.

As someone else said , if a woman came on here and said

“ my 13 year old daughter lives with my ex husband and visits at weekends and hates my second husband . She is now saying she won’t visit if my husband is home. Is it unreasonable of me to ask my dh to move out for the weekend so I can spend time with dd and try to get to the bottom of this ?”

Would the responses be the same ?

If the responses weren't the same, it would be a reflection of how many women think it is reasonable to be atrocious partners because they have kids 🙄

Yes, it is an unreasonable request, especially when you take into consideration the context of the childs "complaints".

If her DH wants to put his child first then HE must do it, not boot OP out of her home. Entitlement at it's finest.

NO. Let him book a hotel for him and his son if he doesn't want you around. It is your home. This is a dangerous precedent to set if DSS thinks by kicking up a fuss then you move out to accommodate him. What a cheek.

If this were a regular thing, I’d say no because you shouldn’t be routinely kicked out of your home.

If it were a one off, then I’d say ‘Sure, which 5-star hotel are you going to book me into for the weekend? Please make sure it has either a pool or a day spa’.

This is tricky. I’d do as they ask in this instance so they can’t say “oh but you wouldn't give us space” I would express to your husband how hurt you are in having to leave and I would consider maybe leaving for good. You have a DH problem.

Do not leave your own home. You are being set up to fail. Your husband really thinks it's reasonable that his ex (through your DSS) can control what you do in your own home???

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.

I think the key here is "get to the bottom of it". If he is asking you to stay somewhere else so they can talk about this whole thing then I would do it. You being in the bedroom and then coming to dinner etc. Would make is very awkward and the kid might not be open and honest. With you being out of the house the conversation can be longer, take breaks, throw temper tantrum and get back to comvo.

If he wants you out of the house for the wekedn cause it is easier not to deal with problem then fuck that.

Tigertigertigertiger No difference, of course they would be the same.

OP, I agree with others, if DH wants alone time with his son then THEY can go elsewhere. If you give in to this, what else will the brat be demanding?

@Hop27

Married 6 years, together longer. Joint ownership of the home.

This is your home! If he wants “space” to have 1:1 time with his son then they should go away for the weekend or spend a day away from home and then come back in the evening.

Your husband needs to try to mend this relationship between you and your SS. It has been 6 years. He shouldn’t push you away.

As someone else said , if a woman came on here and said

“ my 13 year old daughter lives with my ex husband and visits at weekends and hates my second husband . She is now saying she won’t visit if my husband is home. Is it unreasonable of me to ask my dh to move out for the weekend so I can spend time with dd and try to get to the bottom of this ?”

Would the responses be the same ?
That situation is nothing like this situation though. Plus, I'd imagine the woman would get a kicking for marrying a man that her daughter hates as well.

This situation is more like:
My daughter lives with my ex, and my ex has huge issues with my new husband. In the time I have been with my husband, my ex has been telling me I should leave my husband on his say so. My ex has also been telling my daughter these things as well. Unsurprisingly this is causing tension at home as my daughter now hates my husband. My 13 year old daughter is now saying that she won't come to stay unless I kick my husband out for the weekend on her say so. For reference, we live in a large 4 bedroom house and my husband has already said that he'll keep himself out the way because he understands there's a lot of tension stirred up by my ex."

People would rightly point out that the ex was trying to hinder the relationship between mum and daughter, that he was being controlling and that he was using their child as a weapon to try and ruin the mum's relationship.

No way would I be leaving my own home. They can go away together if they need 'space'.

@Hop27

Married 6 years, together longer. Joint ownership of the home.

No, you shouldn’t go. Does your H expect you to?

@Tigertigertigertiger

Yes you absolutely should. It’s not that unreasonable a request and your husband absolutely needs to put his child first. If the child won’t visit when you are there then there is a big problem that needs sorting out.

As someone else said , if a woman came on here and said

“ my 13 year old daughter lives with my ex husband and visits at weekends and hates my second husband . She is now saying she won’t visit if my husband is home. Is it unreasonable of me to ask my dh to move out for the weekend so I can spend time with dd and try to get to the bottom of this ?”

Would the responses be the same ?

Course they wouldn't.

Women are always right and men are always wrong.

@Youllbeoldertoo

This is tricky. I’d do as they ask in this instance so they can’t say “oh but you wouldn't give us space” I would express to your husband how hurt you are in having to leave and I would consider maybe leaving for good. You have a DH problem.

But why should a person be expected to give others space by not being in their own home? The obvious (and correct) response if they were to say that would be "you were perfectly capable of going out yourself if you wanted space". There is no other context in which a family member could be reasonably berated for not leaving their own home to give others space.

I think the key here is "get to the bottom of it". If he is asking you to stay somewhere else so they can talk about this whole thing then I would do it. You being in the bedroom and then coming to dinner etc. Would make is very awkward and the kid might not be open and honest. With you being out of the house the conversation can be longer, take breaks, throw temper tantrum and get back to comvo.

The same would be true if THEY were out of the house for the weekend, and that wouldn't be an imposition on OP.

“my 13 year old daughter lives with my ex husband and visits at weekends and hates my second husband . She is now saying she won’t visit if my husband is home. Is it unreasonable of me to ask my dh to move out for the weekend so I can spend time with dd and try to get to the bottom of this”

I don’t agree with this either. The DM and DD should spend 1:1 time away from home, not kick the DP out of his own home.

If OP’s DH wants OP to move out for the weekend, then he needs to pay for a spa weekend. He needs to pay for overnight stay and a range of spa treatments. If he asks OP to pay for a budget hotel then that is not on.

Women are always right and men are always wrong.
Hardly.

I'd argue that any parent who was so invested in trying to destroy their ex's marriage is a controlling arsehole, regardless of their sex.

In this situation it's a female ex who thinks she has the right to dictate to her ex who he can marry, and has been dripping this in the ear of their child. In the middle of this there is now a 13 year old who feels entitled to kick another woman out of her home.

This isn't about men vs women. It's about whether controlling ex partners should be allowed to use their children as weapons against their other parent, and whether someone should be kicked out of their own house because a manipulative ex is shit stirring.

As a one off yes. He will need to go to a hotel next time.

@CuteBear

“my 13 year old daughter lives with my ex husband and visits at weekends and hates my second husband . She is now saying she won’t visit if my husband is home. Is it unreasonable of me to ask my dh to move out for the weekend so I can spend time with dd and try to get to the bottom of this”

I don’t agree with this either. The DM and DD should spend 1:1 time away from home, not kick the DP out of his own home.

If OP’s DH wants OP to move out for the weekend, then he needs to pay for a spa weekend. He needs to pay for overnight stay and a range of spa treatments. If he asks OP to pay for a budget hotel then that is not on.

Agreed. This should only be considered if OP going away would be an actual treat for her.

Basically no. I would say fair enough if your family was around and you could have a family weekend, but kicked out of your house, alone for the weekend. Sod that!!

Your DH takes his son away for the weekend.

I’d go to a fancy hotel (if they’re open) and have a lovely spa weekend and some you time. I would usually suggest staying at home but I do think it is a good idea that your DH gets to the bottom of why he feels that way and you may feel uncomfortable if you’re there too.

Ha... no I wouldn’t be moving out my own home to accommodate a spoiled child.

Could ds and dp sleep in a tent in the garden voila loads of space.
Seriously op don't put up with it. I would never dream of telling my partner he couldn't stay in our house and he dosnt even own /pay towards it!