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Original poster

Would you find somewhere else to stay to give DH and DSS 'space'

298 replies

Hop27 · 11/03/2021 08:28

DH has asked if I can stay somewhere else for the weekend to give DSS and him space. No family near and wouldn't feel comfortable asking friends. So it would be a hotel. Is this the right thing to do?

OP posts:
Radio4Rocks · 11/03/2021 09:02

*by a child

Norwaydidnthappen · 11/03/2021 09:02

They can go on a long walk if they want to spend some time together. I understand the desire to have some quality time just the two of them but they can’t kick you out of your own home.

Roszie · 11/03/2021 09:04

Would I let a 13yo dictate that? No. Absolutely not.

saraclara · 11/03/2021 09:04

@Hop27

Not in the UK. DSS goes through phases of really disliking me. DH's ex is putting pressure on DH to leave me, because he should always put his child first. Large 4 bed house. Have offered to hide in my room for the weekend l, spend the day away. But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it.
If it's a one off and this long term issue really needs resolving, then I'd do it. If there was a huge problem between me and one of my daughters that really needed resolving, I'd not want anyone else around. Someone being in another part of the house is still a presence in a psychological sense. So in your position I'd empathise with what the partner wants to achieve and how they want to do it.

However I'd want this presented in a 'sara is away this weekend visiting a friend' way, not an 'I've asked sara to move out for the weekend so we can talk' way.

Iwonder08 · 11/03/2021 09:05

OP, I would say you appreciate that they need to talk without you, however it is your DH who I should arrange to stay away with his son, not you. Suggest he should take him away somewhere for the weekend. Explain that you are not being stubborn, but it is really bad to set this very dangerous precedent when a child is allowed to think he can force an adult out of their own home

Chloemol · 11/03/2021 09:08

No, he can take dss somewhere

aSofaNearYou · 11/03/2021 09:19

*You absolutely can't set a precident that you will exclude yourself from your own home on the say-so of a child. You are (I presume?) married to this man and are not going anywhere.

DH can take DSS elsewhere - camping, hotel, whatever is legal where you are. There is plenty of space in the world, your home is not up for negotiation.*

This. I would be tempted if DH was going to buy me a nice spa weekend (and explain it to his son like that so he didn't get the idea it was happening upon his request), but otherwise no.

Eddielzzard · 11/03/2021 09:25

I can't see how you leaving for the weekend will help. It'll just be every time DSS comes over then. What is your relationship like other than this?

This is frankly awful, to turf you out your home.

RootyT00t · 11/03/2021 09:26

@Roszie

Would I let a 13yo dictate that? No. Absolutely not.
He isn't.
RootyT00t · 11/03/2021 09:27

I think if OP asked if DH could go away for the night so she could spend time 1-1 with her daughter, the responses would be different.

tara66 · 11/03/2021 09:27

NO!

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/03/2021 09:27

"But DSS (13) won't come if I'm about and DH wants to get to the bottom of it."

So, in that case, I might be prepared to do that as a one off, if it was asked kindly not demanded. But better DH takes him away for a weekend - which would be better - less charged to be on neutral turf. Sounds like a nightmare.

aSofaNearYou · 11/03/2021 09:30

@RootyT00t

I think if OP asked if DH could go away for the night so she could spend time 1-1 with her daughter, the responses would be different.
Why?
pinkyredrose · 11/03/2021 09:30

No chance in hell would i leave my home to appease a spoilt child. Your DH is the problem. Do you really want years of this?

Beautiful3 · 11/03/2021 09:30

No I wouldn't do that!!! It means he thinks he can ask you to leave everytime! It's your home too. I would just squirrel away in the bedroom/kitchen and leave them to it. It's such a ridiculous request.

Confusedandshaken · 11/03/2021 09:31

Assuming that there isn't a massive history of you being pushed aside I think I would do it. One weekend for the DSS to have his dad 100% to himself in a normal home environment doesn't seem unreasonable.

OTOH I agree that this should be presented to the son as you having chosen to do something fun that weekend, that you are sorry not to see him but hope him and his dad have a good weekend together and you are looking forward to seeing him next time. .

Felifox · 11/03/2021 09:33

It sounds as though his dm is influencing your DSS. I can understand your dh wanting to get to the bottom of it. But it needs to he them going away to talk about it. DSS has to accept you are part of his df's life and are there when he visits.

But 13 can be difficult age for a teenage boy.

timeisnotaline · 11/03/2021 09:35

What does your dh think this will accomplish? I think from the backstory the only thing it will achieve is regular pressure to get you out of the way, which seems a step in the wrong direction. Dh should take him somewhere. Amd ask dh what he wants to get out of the weekend. If it’s just time with his son fine. If it’s more than that best he be honest with himself.

aSofaNearYou · 11/03/2021 09:38

@Confusedandshaken

Assuming that there isn't a massive history of you being pushed aside I think I would do it. One weekend for the DSS to have his dad 100% to himself in a normal home environment doesn't seem unreasonable.

OTOH I agree that this should be presented to the son as you having chosen to do something fun that weekend, that you are sorry not to see him but hope him and his dad have a good weekend together and you are looking forward to seeing him next time. .

Well there obviously is a back story if the DSS goes through noticeable periods of disliking her, and his mum puts pressure on OPs DH to leave her. She is already putting up with a lot.
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/03/2021 09:39

Haven’t seen the back story but no, I wouldn’t be vacating my home to pander to this bullshit. If he won’t see his dad in your home because you’re there then dad sees him elsewhere or they don’t see each other.

Slippery slope. And why does your husband care more what his ex thinks then his wife?

Cocogreen · 11/03/2021 09:40

I think your husband should book a night away in a hotel for himself and his son. Why should you be the one to have to absent yourself?

Whatcouldshehavebeen · 11/03/2021 09:42

Why does he dislike you?

MrsWooster · 11/03/2021 09:43

Is this dss or is this ex w? Something on the way you phrased it made me wonder if this is not about the boy...

zigzog44 · 11/03/2021 09:44

There’s absolutely no way you should be pushed out of your own home because your stepson dislikes you, it’s your home.
Is there a back story to this?

Tigertigertigertiger · 11/03/2021 09:44

Yes you absolutely should.
It’s not that unreasonable a request and your husband absolutely needs to put his child first. If the child won’t visit when you are there then there is a big problem that needs sorting out.

As someone else said , if a woman came on here and said

“ my 13 year old daughter lives with my ex husband and visits at weekends and hates my second husband . She is now saying she won’t visit if my husband is home. Is it unreasonable of me to ask my dh to move out for the weekend so I can spend time with dd and try to get to the bottom of this ?”

Would the responses be the same ?